A Full-Cast Audio Drama
The script of the full-cast audio drama adapted from the novel The Reek of Exile Isle. There is no narrator. Scene, sound and music cues are as performed.
Scene: lake day.
Sound: jet ski engine.
DALE Hollis was asleep, but his keys were in a bowl by the door. That's basically a yes.
Sound: jet ski sinking.
(A pause.)
DALE Huh. Deeper than it looked.
Music: main theme.
BROCK (excited) From LineCrush. The Reek of Exile Isle. Twelve castaways. One island. And one smell nobody will admit to.
Scene: laundromat.
Sound: answering machine beep.
DALE Hi. You've reached Dale Tummins. I'm a consultant. People ask what I consult on. That's exactly the kind of question I'd normally charge for.
DALE Right now I'm an adventurer between adventures. The gap's run about nine years. But an adventure's like a bus. Stand in one place long enough and it'll hit you.
DALE I live above the Sudsy Duck Laundromat, so if you hear thumping, that's the dryers. Leave a message. Unless this is Hollis.
Sound: answering machine beep.
Sound: phone ring.
Sound: answering machine beep.
HOLLIS (muffled) Dale. It's Hollis. I can hear the dryers. That jet ski was worth four thousand dollars.
DALE Seems like a lot, for something that's mainly a house for fish now.
HOLLIS Did you just pick up?
DALE No.
HOLLIS I don't care about the fish, Dale.
DALE That's a pretty revealing thing to say, Hollis. Think hard about the kind of man you're becoming.
Sound: phone hangup.
DALE Lake Wendle taught me something, though. A jet ski doesn't float once it's full of lake. People go to college for four years and never learn that.
Sound: door pound.
DALE (whispering) Bathtub.
(A pause.)
Sound: sneeze.
DALE Hollis doesn't sneeze.
PHIL (muffled) Dale? It's Phil. I can hear you breathing.
Sound: door open.
PHIL (out of breath) Dale, I got cast. Exile Isle. Eleven tries, and they finally said yes. Season Thirty-One. It's called Ride or Die, and everybody goes on in pairs.
DALE Good for you, Phil.
PHIL I need a partner.
(A pause.)
DALE Don't look at me like that. That's the look a dog gives you when you're holding a sandwich.
DALE Phil, you're my best friend and my only friend. I consider that efficient. But I'm very busy. I've got three consulting opportunities pending.
PHIL Pending what?
DALE Me thinking about them. Also, I have a strict policy. I don't go anywhere the food is bugs.
PHIL I understand.
Sound: truck idle.
DALE Hang on. Red pickup truck, across the street. Bumper sticker says, My other ride is a jet ski. I feel that's a little pointed.
DALE (panicked) Phil, I've reconsidered. I can't let my best friend go to a dangerous island alone. And I won't even ask you to pay me.
PHIL (crying) Dale, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
DALE Great. Cry lower. Below the windowsill.
DALE Millions of people are going to watch this, Phil. They'll need something to call me. Short and powerful. Fits on a T-shirt.
PHIL You could just be Dale.
DALE Dale's the name of a guy who's about to back a truck into something. I need a nickname.
Sound: door pound.
HOLLIS (muffled) Dale!
DALE Back in the bathtub. Both of us.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: office.
DALE Two days to drive to Los Angeles, Phil. Two days at fifty-five miles an hour.
PHIL The speed limit's a maximum, Dale.
DALE It's an opening offer.
PHIL There's a woman over there eating a raw onion like an apple.
DALE So the producers remember her. Amateur. I'm just going to sit here and radiate. You can't teach radiating. Believe me, people have asked.
WOMAN Dale Tummies?
PHIL (whispering) She said Tummies.
DALE That's how you know it's getting around.
Sound: door slam.
Scene: office.
PSYCHOLOGIST Have a seat, Mister Tummins. I'm Doctor Haverkamp. Describe yourself in three words.
DALE Brave, honest, and. Can I get back to you on the third one?
(A pause.)
DALE You're writing a lot. Nobody writes that much about a boring person.
PSYCHOLOGIST Do you ever feel that people are plotting against you?
DALE Only the ones who are.
PSYCHOLOGIST How do you handle conflict?
DALE The way the great generals did. From a hill, far away, with binoculars, while somebody else handles it.
PSYCHOLOGIST I'm going to show you some inkblots. What do you see?
DALE Butterfly.
PSYCHOLOGIST And this one?
DALE Butterfly that owes me money.
PSYCHOLOGIST And this one?
DALE Same butterfly. He's hired a lawyer. He's stopped returning my calls.
PRODUCER (muffled) Villain.
MAN (muffled, laughing) Oh, he's perfect.
DALE Is that mirror laughing at me?
PSYCHOLOGIST Please ignore the mirror.
DALE They said villain, but they meant hero. A villain's just a hero seen from the other side, and they're on the other side of the glass.
PSYCHOLOGIST Do you have a nickname?
DALE In the consulting world, they call me The Closer.
PSYCHOLOGIST What have you closed?
DALE Mostly accounts. And the occasional lake.
PSYCHOLOGIST Can you explain the lake?
DALE That's proprietary.
DALE You underlined one word three times. I can read upside down. It starts with un. There are only so many good words that start with un, and I feel I've earned every one.
Sound: elevator ding.
Scene: office.
DALE An hour and forty minutes, Phil. They brought in a second psychologist and a man from legal. How long was yours?
PHIL Eight minutes. Mostly my allergies. And whether I'd ever eaten a bee on purpose.
DALE Oh, look. Brock Sterling. Safari vest, indoors, in case a lion jumps him at the water cooler. Mister Sterling. Dale Tummins. You might want to start practicing that.
(A pause.)
BROCK Great energy.
BROCK Gary? Gary, can I see you a second? Who let him up here?
DALE He's obviously intimidated by me.
PHIL Dale, he asked security who let you in.
DALE Exactly. He wanted to know who to thank.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: airplane cabin.
Sound: airplane ding.
PHIL Day zero. Somewhere over the Pacific. Dale stole a hundred and twelve tiny bottles of shampoo from the hotel.
DALE Borrowed. For the island. There's no money out there, Phil, and in a society with no money, something has to become money. I plan to be the guy with the shampoo.
PHIL He also took body lotion.
DALE You've got to diversify.
DALE Seven across. Four-letter ocean bird. Duck.
SEATMATE I didn't ask for help.
DALE That's how you know a man's too proud to.
SEATMATE Ducks don't go to the ocean.
DALE Probably because of people like you.
(A pause.)
SEATMATE Miss? I'll give that teenager forty dollars to switch seats with me.
ATTENDANT Pretzels?
DALE Just one bag, thanks. And while you're handing Phil his, I'll take the basket.
ATTENDANT Sir, that's the whole basket.
DALE A free thing offered to one person is offered to everybody. I'm everybody's representative.
DALE What are you writing, Phil?
PHIL Everything. It's a waterproof journal. I held it under the hotel faucet for ten minutes to test it.
DALE Does everything include the pretzels?
PHIL Especially the pretzels.
DALE Somewhere down there is Hollis, no bigger than an ant. If I dropped a pretzel from up here, it'd almost certainly miss him. But I like to give luck a chance. Miss, does this window open?
ATTENDANT No.
DALE I'll be writing to the airline.
PHIL Dale, do you think being famous will change you?
DALE No. Except in the ways I'm looking forward to.
PHIL I'm writing that down.
Scene: ship deck.
TIFFANI Day zero, you guys. We're on a boat. I'm literally shaking.
BRAYDEN We're so blessed.
DALE (whispering) I've ranked everybody, Phil. First impressions are the only accurate ones. They form before people start talking and ruin it.
DALE (whispering) Number one, the old man everybody's hugging. Grandpa Ray. Anybody that easy to love is hiding something.
GRANDPA RAY Well, hello there, little fella. You can sit on my shoulder.
DALE A seagull, Phil. A seagull just landed on him.
GUS (crying) I'm sorry. It's just, the sun's touching the water.
DALE Number two, the giant crying at the sunset. A man who cries like that in public has nothing left to lose.
PHIL The woman reading the chemistry journal is Professor Annette Lund. She won a Nobel Prize.
DALE They give those to all kinds of people. Even for peace.
DALE And dead last, the lady at the rail. Marisol. Coast Guard rescue swimmer. She looked at me for one second, then looked very hard at the ocean. You don't worry about somebody who's already yours.
DALE On a ship, a man needs nautical authority. Captain Dale, reporting.
CREW Sir, please stay behind the yellow line.
DALE He didn't say Captain. I'm having him demoted.
MARISOL Is he with you?
PHIL (proud) Yes.
MARISOL I'm sorry.
DALE Hear that, Phil? She's already worried about the day I leave her.
DALE Poor thing.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: ship deck.
CREW (shouting) Kalaboo Island, a hundred yards that way! You've got sixty seconds to grab what you can carry and get to the beach!
Sound: air horn.
DALE Machete, pot, rice, rope, one enormous crate. The biggest box holds the best thing, Phil. It's the whole basis of Christmas.
Sound: splash big.
Scene: beach day.
PHIL (out of breath) Dale, you could kick.
DALE You put on your application you're a strong swimmer. This is your chance to prove it. A good friend gives you chances like that.
GRANDPA RAY Morning, fellas!
PHIL Marisol just passed us. She's got the machete in her teeth and Grandpa Ray on her hip.
DALE Even while being rescued, that man is campaigning.
Sound: crate drop.
BROCK Welcome to Kalaboo Island!
DALE How are you completely dry?
BROCK Helicopter.
DALE Strange way to arrive at a show about being marooned. But I'm not judging. I arrived on a crate.
Sound: wood crack.
(A pause.)
GUS Are those pillows?
PROFESSOR LUND Forty decorative throw pillows. Coral and teal. Some with tassels.
TIFFANI That one says Beach, Please.
DALE It was a strategic choice.
MARISOL What's the strategy?
DALE If I told you, it wouldn't be strategic anymore.
GRANDPA RAY Back in Season Nine, a woman named Doreen grabbed a crate of rubber ducks. It went very badly for her.
GUS (laughing) Poor Doreen.
DALE I'd like to meet Doreen someday. Sounds like we have a lot in common.
DALE Mainly vision.
BROCK Season Thirty-One. Ride or Die. Blue bandannas, you are Barracuda. Yellow bandannas, you are Gecko. Dale, Phil, Marisol, Ray, Professor Lund, and Gus.
TIFFANI (excited) Day one, you guys. We're Barracuda, and we are so blessed.
DALE I've never been blessed that fast in my life. It usually takes me a few days to get anything.
DALE Marisol tied her bandanna around her wrist, Phil. So I'm tying mine around my wrist. So she'll know.
PHIL She just moved hers to her head.
DALE Yellow. It's the color of gold, and the sun, and champions. Also cowardice, but only in very old movies, and nobody watches those anymore except cowards.
BROCK Wanna know what you're playing for?
(A pause.)
PHIL (whispering) Why is he waiting?
DALE (whispering) A crab just walked across his boot. I think even the crab wants to know.
BROCK One million dollars.
Sound: crowd gasp.
DALE I'm not gasping, Phil. I already spent it. Apart from a small part I set aside for Hollis.
DALE In theory.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: jungle day.
Sound: footsteps jungle.
DALE Single file, Gecko. I'll lead. A leader's hands have to be free to point.
Sound: sneeze.
Sound: sneeze.
PROFESSOR LUND Good heavens. What is that?
PHIL Is that the island?
Sound: camera beep.
Scene: confessional.
DALE Is it on? Okay. This is the confessional. Once a day they make you sit on a log and talk to a camera alone. I don't have anything to confess. And if I did, I'd tell a priest. A priest keeps quiet. A camera does the opposite for a living.
DALE That's Dusty behind the camera. Gray ponytail. Sunburn in the exact shape of his camera strap. Dusty's not allowed to talk to us. Right, Dusty?
(A pause.)
DALE See? Great listener.
DALE The smell of this island is hard to describe. Picture a hard-boiled egg that died inside a wet dog. Then the dog crawled inside a bigger, older dog to be alone.
DALE So I took Gus aside. The biggest person makes the biggest smell. It's the same with trucks.
Scene: jungle day.
DALE (gentle) Gus, it's nothing to be ashamed of. Everybody's body does things. Yours just does them on a bigger scale.
GUS (crying) Oh no. I'm so sorry, Dale. I had no idea.
DALE Here. Take my bandanna too, for a second layer. Nobody apologizes for something they didn't do.
Scene: confessional.
DALE For some reason, Dusty, the smell never bothered me much.
(A pause.)
Scene: beach day.
Sound: goat bleat.
GRANDPA RAY Everybody, this is Carol. She comes with the campsite. Named after my first dental hygienist. Same gentle eyes.
DALE Her pupils go sideways. Carol and I understand each other. Neither of us asked to come here, and we both plan to eat whatever we want.
GRANDPA RAY In Season Twelve, the best shelter was a simple A-frame, lashed with vines.
DALE Thanks for the history lesson, Ray. But this isn't Season Twelve. I'll be foreman. My real innovation is the pillows.
DALE Tying vines takes hours. So we wedge a pillow into every joint, like mortar. Bamboo is strong but hard. Pillows are soft but weak. Together, you get strong and soft at the same time, like a great leader. Or a good dinner roll.
PROFESSOR LUND Dale, won't the pillows compress under load?
DALE Let me explain compression to you, Professor. I'll go slowly and use my hands, since you're a chemist and not a builder.
PROFESSOR LUND I see. I'm going to go sit down the beach for a while.
DALE Done. Coral and teal, tassels on the corners. Professor, since you doubted it, you can be the first one in.
PROFESSOR LUND Fine. But if this falls on me, Dale, I'm writing a paper about it.
DALE (proud) It's holding.
Sound: goat chewing.
PHIL Dale, Carol's eating the tassel on the corner pillow.
DALE That's fine. That's not the.
Sound: shelter collapse.
Sound: glasses crunch.
(A pause.)
MARISOL Professor? Are you okay?
PROFESSOR LUND I'm fine. My glasses aren't. One lens is gone, and the other is cracked.
DALE The crack looks like a lightning bolt. It makes you look like a wizard.
PROFESSOR LUND (sighing) Thank you, Dale.
DALE She lay down too scientifically, Phil. Too much weight on one side.
PHIL She just lay down, Dale.
DALE Exactly. Like a scientist.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: beach day.
Sound: stomach rumble.
DALE Day two. We have rice, a pot, and no fire. Uncooked rice is technically food, the same way a brick is technically a house.
GUS (crying) Forty minutes, and nothing. My palms are all blisters.
PHIL It's partly the sunset from last night. He's still thinking about it.
GRANDPA RAY In Season Six, a man named Hector made fire with a bow drill and a shoelace.
MARISOL Give me that branch. And my shoelace. Okay. Smoke.
DALE (excited) Go, Marisol! Go!
PHIL Dale, the smoke went out.
DALE I cheered first. That way it's clear I was supporting her, and not the smoke.
PROFESSOR LUND Fire needs three things. Heat, fuel, and oxygen.
DALE You forgot the fourth thing, Professor. Leadership.
PROFESSOR LUND I'll make a note of it.
MARISOL The problem is tinder. Everything here's damp. We need something dry enough to catch from one ember.
GUS You all right, Dale? You've been staring at nothing for a while.
DALE I'm inventing.
DALE Phil, your journal's waterproof, right? You've shown us. The water beads up and rolls right off.
PHIL (proud) Every time.
DALE So if water can't get in there, the inside of that journal is the driest place on the island.
MARISOL I've got an ember. Does anybody have anything dry?
DALE I do.
PHIL Dale, that's my.
Sound: paper burn.
Sound: fire catch.
DALE Waterproof is very different from fireproof. They printed the first word right on the cover and never once mentioned the second. I feel that's a little sneaky.
PHIL (panicked) Hot, hot, hot. I got it. I got it out.
Scene: camp fire night.
DALE So that was the challenge, the setbacks, and my bold idea. I left out Marisol's ember, for time.
PHIL That's not how I remember it.
DALE Phil, a third of what you remember is ash now. I'd be careful about correcting people.
PHIL There's one line left on the first page. Dale took the.
DALE And I know how that sentence ends. Dale took the lead. From now on, you can all call me The Flame.
GRANDPA RAY Sure thing, Dale.
GUS Okay, Dale.
GUS It's nice to have something covering up the other smell.
Sound: goat chewing.
PHIL (sad) Carol ate a page. That was the page about the pretzels.
DALE Carol's the kind of friend who takes care of things for you without being asked.
Music: tender piano.
PHIL (gentle) Day two. Dale used my journal as kindling. I'm writing this on the part that didn't burn. We have fire. Everyone is warm. Dale says to call him The Flame.
PHIL Nobody does.
Music: sting comic.
Sound: camera beep.
Scene: confessional.
DALE Day three. Dusty, I've been thinking about strategy. The key to this game is trust. You get people to trust you completely. That way, when you betray them, it really means something.
(A pause.)
DALE Not that I'd ever betray anybody. That's what separates me from these animals.
Sound: camera beep.
DALE Okay, forget trust. The real key is staying invisible. You lie low, let the big personalities wreck each other, and nobody remembers you're here.
DALE Are you getting my good side? I want this in the opening credits. Slow motion. Maybe an eagle lands on my arm. I'm great at holding still for birds.
(A pause.)
Sound: camera beep.
DALE New breakthrough. The key is loyalty. I'm saying this with my hand on my heart.
DALE And now I'm using the same hand to take a banana out of Grandpa Ray's bag. He left it right here.
GRANDPA RAY Morning, Dale.
DALE Morning, Ray.
DALE (whispering) He winked at me, Dusty. Uh-oh. A man who winks while you rob him has already decided how he'll get even. I'll be watching Ray closely from now on.
DALE Especially while he sleeps.
Sound: camera beep.
DALE Most players form alliances of three or four, then spend the whole game worrying about who'll flip. Not me. I formed an alliance of one. It's me.
DALE We meet every evening behind the latrine trench. Mostly it goes great. One night I accused myself of leaking information to Phil, and things got heated. I went for a walk to cool off. When I came back, I apologized. I accepted.
DALE Phil's technically my partner. But he's more of an asset, like a mule or a savings bond. I'll carry Phil as far as I can, then set him down someplace comfortable, near water, and keep going.
PHIL (out of breath) Water's here, Dale. I got both jugs.
DALE Swing the camera back, Dusty. That's not the story.
Sound: camera beep.
DALE I won't let romance distract me from the game. Marisol looked at me twice today. Once when I was standing in front of the water jug, and once when I accidentally stepped in the fire. Both times, she held the look.
(A pause.)
DALE I can tell you're moved too, Dusty. You're wearing that bandanna over your nose again.
Sound: wave crash.
DALE (shouting) Dusty? You're a lot farther away today. Monday you were ten feet off. Now you're knee-deep in the lagoon.
DALE (shouting) Smart! That smell's coming from inland. You keep your distance from that jungle!
(A pause.)
DALE He nodded. Or a wave hit him.
Music: sting comic.
Music: previously on.
BROCK Previously, on Exile Isle. Twelve strangers. Six pairs. One beautiful island that smells, frankly, like something died in a sock.
BROCK Gecko made fire. Barracuda made friends. And Dale Tummins made an alliance. With himself.
BROCK Somebody goes home soon. And I've been polishing my snuffer.
Scene: beach day.
Sound: footsteps sand.
KEVIN Water. Release forms. Water. Initial where it says initial, please. Sign where it says sign.
DALE Kevin. Come here a second. You've got a little sunscreen on your nose.
KEVIN It's SPF one hundred. I burn through clouds.
DALE It's so thick it's like a second nose. A smaller one. Riding on top of the first one.
KEVIN (nervous) Was there a question, Mister Tummins?
DALE Here's the deal. You tell me where the hidden advantages are buried, and I give you a jet ski.
KEVIN Do you own a jet ski?
DALE I have access to one. It's in storage.
KEVIN Where's the storage?
DALE Lake Wendle. Very deep lake. Deeper than it looks. That's what keeps it safe from thieves.
KEVIN So it's underwater.
DALE It's a wet kind of storage.
KEVIN I can't accept gifts from contestants.
DALE Fine. Then I'll give you the production ship.
KEVIN The ship belongs to the network.
DALE Right. So you already have access to it. That's the easiest bribe a guy could ever take. You don't even have to move anything.
Sound: footsteps sand.
DALE He's walking away fast. That's how you know a man's thinking it over.
(A pause.)
Sound: walkie static.
DALE Kevin! Day two of negotiations. The ship, and I'll throw in the helicopter Brock flew in on.
KEVIN You can't give me the helicopter.
DALE Not with that attitude.
KEVIN I'm twenty three. I have student loans. Please don't make this hard.
DALE Then you need a helicopter more than anybody.
KEVIN (whispering) Please stop bribing me where the boom mic can hear.
DALE We're getting close, Kevin. I can feel it.
Scene: confessional.
DALE Dusty. Still out in the lagoon, huh. Bandanna and everything. That's fine. I'll talk louder.
DALE Be honest with me. Am I gonna win this thing?
(A pause.)
DALE The little red light on your camera's blinking. Nice and steady. Like a heartbeat.
(A pause.)
DALE Or like a smoke detector that needs a new battery.
(A pause.)
DALE I'm going with heartbeat.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: confessional.
DALE Brock Sterling has so many teeth, I started counting them. I got to forty and lost my place. A man with that many teeth should really share.
Scene: beach day.
Sound: challenge gong.
BROCK Gecko, in yellow. Barracuda, in blue. Welcome to your first challenge. Wanna know what you're playing for?
DALE Money.
(A pause.)
BROCK The Immunity Conch. Win it, and nobody on your tribe goes home tonight.
DALE So, not money.
BROCK Not money.
DALE (whispering) Phil. That conch'd look great on my mantel. Once I get a mantel. And once nobody's watching the conch.
BROCK One of you swims out to the floating platform and unties a crate of puzzle pieces. Your tribe carries it over the balance beam. Then you build a sea turtle.
DALE I've never done a puzzle. But I once saw a sea turtle on a placemat at a seafood place, so I've got an edge. I'll take the swim.
PHIL Dale. Marisol was a Coast Guard rescue swimmer.
DALE Think about it, everybody. If somebody needs rescuing out there, you want her on shore. Rested.
MARISOL Rescuing swimmers is my whole job, Dale.
DALE Exactly. Save her for an emergency.
Sound: conch horn.
Sound: splash big.
DALE (out of breath) This is a breaststroke I came up with myself. I think it works on land too. I just haven't tried it in front of people.
DALE Okay. Big rope. Lots of knots. I don't like the number of knots. Think, Dale.
DALE That one. That one looks the most important.
Sound: rope creak.
PHIL (shouting) Dale! Wrong rope! That's the anchor line!
DALE (shouting) I know what I'm doing!
PHIL (shouting) You're drifting out to sea! The crate's going too!
DALE It's getting hard to hear Phil. Because of the distance.
Sound: paddle strokes.
BROCK Never in the history of this show has a contestant untied the entire platform. The safety kayak is towing it back. Platform, crate, and Dale.
DALE I'm reinventing the format.
Sound: crate drop.
DALE Don't worry, Gecko. This isn't about who starts fastest. It's about who starts second fastest, and lets the other tribe make all the mistakes.
DALE I'll take the front of the crate and set the pace. Hold on. Camera two's getting my profile. Let me turn around, so it gets the other side too. Both sides are good.
GUS (panicked) Dale stopped! I'm stopping!
GRANDPA RAY Gus! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Sound: body thud.
Sound: crate drop.
PHIL I'm still holding my corner. I'm still holding it. Okay, now I'm not.
Sound: body thud.
BROCK Gecko is in the sand! Anybody falls, the whole tribe starts the beam over!
DALE This is good. Now we know the beam.
PHIL I knew the beam the first time.
DALE Sure you did, buddy.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: beach day.
PROFESSOR LUND Shell pieces to me, please. Edges to Phil. A turtle is basically a molecule with flippers.
PHIL (whispering) Dale, look how fast she is. We're gonna win.
DALE Then the winning moment needs me in it. A great leader rings the gong before the victory. That way the victory knows where to go. Hand me that sandbag.
PHIL Dale, what are the sandbags for?
DALE Nobody knows. Look at that arc. Best throw I've ever made. Even Barracuda's watching it.
Sound: body thud.
Sound: crowd gasp.
PHIL That was Professor Lund's head.
PROFESSOR LUND I'm fine. Thank you, Dale.
Sound: challenge gong.
BROCK Barracuda wins immunity! Gecko, I'll see you tonight at the Torch Tribunal.
TIFFANI Babe, we won! Get the phone. Get us hugging.
BRAYDEN Hold on, the light's wrong. Okay. Hug again. Hug like it's the first time.
Scene: confessional.
DALE Somebody from Gecko goes home tonight, Dusty, and it has to be Grandpa Ray. Everybody loves him. Even Carol the goat follows him around, and she's tried to eat me twice.
Sound: goat bleat.
DALE Nobody gets loved like that by accident. He's a retired dentist. He spent forty years with his hands in people's mouths, talking at them while they couldn't answer.
DALE So I need a code name. Something big. Something that says giant in the game. I'm going with the Moose. Nobody'll ever guess who I mean.
Scene: beach day.
DALE (whispering) Phil. The Moose has to go.
PHIL Gus? His hockey jersey says Moose across the back, Dale. In big letters.
DALE The Moose is dangerous, because nobody sees him coming.
PHIL He's six foot six. Everybody sees him coming.
GUS Sorry, little crab! Let me set this log down somewhere else for you.
PHIL Okay. Sure.
DALE Professor. How's the ice pack? The Moose has a strategy nobody understands.
PROFESSOR LUND I don't understand it either.
DALE That's the point.
PROFESSOR LUND (sighing) Dale, I have a mild concussion. I will vote however makes this conversation end.
DALE Marisol. The Moose is coming for you.
MARISOL Gus made me a driftwood chair this morning.
DALE That's exactly what a Moose would do.
(A pause.)
DALE She's holding the look. Something's passing between us. Possibly the decision to vote with me.
GUS Hey, Dale! What are you guys whispering about?
DALE The Moose has to go, Gus.
GUS Then the Moose has to go. Whatever helps the tribe, buddy. Bring it in.
DALE (muffled) He has no idea how close he is to the real power in this game.
(A pause.)
DALE (muffled) He's hugging it.
Scene: torch tribunal.
DALE (whispering) Phil. I pictured a courtroom with torches. It's mostly logs.
BROCK Behind each of you burns a torch. That torch is your life in this game.
DALE Is there a bigger torch for people with bigger lives?
BROCK Your hair is very close to the flame, Dale.
DALE Focusing.
BROCK Gus. How are you feeling tonight?
GUS Grateful. It's such a beautiful place, with such wonderful people. Last night's sunset made me want to call my mom.
BROCK Ray. Do you feel safe?
GRANDPA RAY (laughing) Nobody's safe, Brock.
DALE (whispering) Listen to them all laughing. One chuckle and the whole clearing's his.
BROCK It's time to vote.
Scene: confessional.
DALE Moose. Big letters. Sorry, big guy. It's just a game.
(A pause.)
DALE I mean Ray. I'm thinking about Ray the whole time.
Scene: torch tribunal.
Music: tribunal tension.
BROCK I'll read the votes. Moose.
BROCK Moose.
BROCK Moose. Moose. Dale, for some reason. Moose.
BROCK Gus. Bring me your torch.
GUS (crying) I'm okay. I'm okay. It's just a really nice torch.
BROCK Gus. The island is done with you.
Sound: torch snuff.
BROCK Oh, that never gets old. Every single time, it's like biting into the first peach of summer.
GUS I love you guys. Come here, Phil. Ray. Dale. Brock, you too.
BROCK Oh. Okay. Careful of the vest.
Sound: footsteps jungle.
DALE (whispering) Phil, look at Ray, wiping his eyes. He can even fake being sad about a vote he masterminded. The guy's a pro.
PHIL Dale, Ray voted Moose too. Everybody voted Moose. Except Gus. Gus voted for you.
DALE That's how good Ray is. He even got to Gus.
BROCK And to the folks at home. I've been getting a lot of letters about the Golden Coconut. So one more time. The Golden Coconut is a myth. It doesn't exist. Please, nobody go looking for it.
CREW (laughing) Ha! Ha ha. Ha.
(A pause.)
CREW Sorry.
DALE (whispering) Phil. What's the Golden Coconut?
PHIL (whispering) It's a myth. He just said.
DALE Right. But what is it?
PHIL Dale, it's not real.
DALE Then why's he getting letters? You don't get letters about nothing. I've never once gotten a letter about nothing. I barely get letters about things.
(A pause.)
DALE I can feel something catching fire inside me, Phil. A flame no brass snuffer is ever gonna reach.
PHIL Dale, you've backed into a fern.
KEVIN (panicked) The fern's on fire! Bucket! Bucket!
Sound: splash small.
DALE Thanks, Kevin. Hey. You want a helicopter?
Music: sting comic.
Scene: camp fire night.
PHIL Day nine. Dale asked me about the Golden Coconut eleven times today. The last four times, he just said it louder.
DALE Okay, Ray. It's night. There's a fire. You made me wait all day, which I know was on purpose. Tell it.
GRANDPA RAY Back in Season Four, a contestant wandered off into the jungle alone. Three days later, they came back carrying a coconut made of solid gold.
PHIL Who was it?
GRANDPA RAY Nobody agrees. Some say a young woman from Ohio. Some say a welder. Some say two brothers who shared one bandanna and never spoke.
DALE How do two guys share a bandanna?
GRANDPA RAY Very closely.
GRANDPA RAY Whoever plays the Golden Coconut gets total immunity. The million dollars. And their own spin-off.
DALE Their own spin-off. I'd play myself. Phil, you'd be my loyal assistant. Until season two.
PHIL What happens in season two?
DALE Somebody taller.
GRANDPA RAY But they never played it. They got hurt and were medically evacuated. On the way out, they hid it upriver, near the source of the Snorrel River. Past the Bog of Endless Regret.
DALE And the producers?
GRANDPA RAY They've always denied the whole thing. Which is how you know it's true.
PROFESSOR LUND A solid gold coconut would weigh about forty pounds. Nobody is carrying that through a jungle.
DALE People find great strength when they're holding something valuable.
PROFESSOR LUND That's not how strength works.
DALE It's how mine works. Maybe you've just never held anything valuable.
PROFESSOR LUND I have a Nobel Prize, Dale.
DALE Is it gold?
(A pause.)
PROFESSOR LUND It's gold plated.
DALE There you go.
GRANDPA RAY That bog's where the smell comes from, you know. The whole island.
DALE I always figured the smell was Gus.
PHIL Gus is gone, Dale.
DALE Sure. Physically.
Sound: wood crack.
PHIL I've always believed in it. Since I was a teenager. I watched Season Four with my mom. We talked about it at dinner. I drew a map of the river, from memory. It's in the back of my journal.
DALE Don't be embarrassed, Phil. Believing in stuff is totally normal for a child.
PHIL (gentle) Thanks, Dale.
DALE And guard that map with your life. I'm gonna need it.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: beach day.
DALE Morning, everybody. From now on, you can call me The Coconut King.
GRANDPA RAY Sure thing, Dale.
PHIL Day ten. Dale is The Coconut King. I'm the only one writing it down.
DALE I made a crown out of palm fronds, to help people remember. Five points. Little flap in the back for shade.
PROFESSOR LUND Of course.
DALE That's scientist for nice crown.
Scene: confessional.
DALE Dusty, a king needs a vision. Mine is gold, melted down. I just don't know if the coconut part comes off by itself or if I'll have to pay a guy extra.
Sound: goat chewing.
DALE Hey. Carol. That's my crown. That's on my head.
Sound: goat chewing.
DALE She's looking me right in the eye while she chews it, Dusty. Slowly.
(A pause.)
DALE Honestly, I respect it. That's how one king treats another.
Sound: goat bleat.
Scene: confessional.
DALE Every morning Marisol walks out on the rocks with a spear, and an hour later she comes back with fish. Every single morning, Dusty. That's how I know she's struggling. Nobody who's good at something has to go do it every day.
Scene: beach day.
Sound: wave crash.
DALE Morning!
Sound: splash small.
MARISOL That was a whole school of fish, Dale. They turned around and swam out to sea.
DALE I'm just gonna show you a couple techniques.
MARISOL I'm fine. I don't need anything.
DALE That's exactly what people say when they need something. Here, give me the spear. Gently, like scissors from a kid. Huh. You let go way faster than a kid.
DALE First thing. Fish psychology. A fish wants to be caught. He's spent his whole life down there in the cold and the dark, eating whatever floats by. Deep down, he's waiting for somebody to see him for who he is. To lift him up into the light.
DALE And fry him.
MARISOL That's not true of fish.
DALE See? That's why you're out here every morning. Okay. Big silver one, right under the rock. I'm just gonna step out onto this seaweed.
Sound: splash big.
(A pause.)
Sound: splash big.
MARISOL (calm) I've got you. I've got you. Keep breathing. Dale, can you hear me?
DALE (out of breath) In the Coast Guard, this is called a cross-chest carry. Everywhere else, it's called a hug.
MARISOL It's called a rescue.
DALE The sky's all pink and gold. This is how it starts for some couples.
Sound: body thud.
DALE I let you do that, by the way. On purpose. To give you some confidence. You've been having such a hard time with the fishing.
MARISOL You smell like the bog, Dale.
DALE That's the seaweed. Rotting seaweed is one of the strongest smells in nature. Right up there with sulfur and wet goat. Nothing to do with me personally. I used the hotel shampoo.
MARISOL When?
DALE Four days ago.
Scene: beach day.
DALE Fish, everybody! Three of them. I had quite a morning.
GRANDPA RAY Way to go, Dale. Nice fish. Funny, they look just like Marisol's.
PHIL Dale, did a spear land on the beach this morning? Because there's one sticking out of the bottom of our only cooking pot.
DALE Weird. No idea.
Sound: footsteps sand.
MARISOL Dale. Please stop following me.
Scene: confessional.
DALE I thought about that the whole way back, Dusty. First, she said please. That's the most polite word there is. Nobody wastes it on somebody they don't care about.
DALE Second, following. That means a journey. A journey we're on together.
DALE And third, stop. That's what people say right before something wonderful starts. Stop and smell the roses. Stop, you're making me blush.
DALE So I stopped. I gave her a four second head start.
(A pause.)
DALE Out of respect.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: beach day.
Sound: challenge gong.
BROCK Wanna know what you're playing for?
(A pause.)
DALE (whispering) I'm letting him finish. I've learned.
BROCK Fried chicken. Deviled eggs. Shrimp cocktail. Peach pie. Cold lemonade. And the winning tribe each gets a two minute satellite phone call home.
DALE I've already named two of the eggs.
BROCK Go!
Sound: paddle strokes.
PHIL (shouting) Dale, you could help paddle!
DALE (shouting) Somebody's got to hold the flag!
PHIL Nobody has to hold the flag!
Sound: pelican squawk.
DALE There's a pelican on the flag now. Still upright. Still upright!
BROCK Marisol with the dive, the chest, and most of the paddling! Professor Lund is, ah, trying to climb into a log. Gecko wins it!
DALE That's how you do it! It's nice to have a flag you can count on.
Scene: beach day.
DALE Phil, no. Put the egg down. You're allergic to shellfish.
PHIL It's an egg, Dale.
DALE It's been sitting next to the shrimp. I'm not taking that chance with my best friend. I'll eat it. And the shrimp, so nothing can happen to you. And your chicken. And your pie, because wheat's a grass.
PHIL What do I get?
DALE The lemon wedge. Here, I'll squeeze it in your lemonade myself. As a gesture.
KEVIN Satellite phone. Two minutes each. Mister Tummins, you're first.
Sound: phone ring.
WOMAN Laundromat.
DALE It's Dale. From upstairs.
WOMAN Oh. I figured you were dead.
(A pause.)
WOMAN (sad) Huh.
Sound: phone hangup.
DALE Phil, I need your call. It's an emergency. You'll understand when you're older.
PHIL I was gonna call my mom.
DALE Thanks, buddy.
Sound: phone ring.
HOLLIS Yeah.
DALE This is the chief medical officer of Kalaboo Island. I'm sorry to report that Dale Tummins has died.
HOLLIS Oh yeah?
DALE Shark attack. And then a second shark. It seemed to know the first one. His last words were, tell Hollis the jet ski was a gift.
(A pause.)
HOLLIS Dale, I can hear you chewing.
DALE That's not chewing. That's the island's grief. Dale's estate will be handled by his close friend Phil Brumley. He's very good with money. He has a pension.
Sound: walkie static.
KEVIN And that's time on Phil's call, too.
PHIL Hi, Mom? Mom?
Scene: beach night.
Sound: stomach rumble.
PROFESSOR LUND What on earth is that smell?
DALE Carol.
PROFESSOR LUND The goat?
DALE She ate a flip flop this morning. And half a tarp. You can't expect a stomach like that to keep its opinions to itself.
Sound: stomach rumble.
Sound: goat bleat.
PHIL Carol's getting up. She's walking way down the beach to lie down by herself.
DALE That's exactly what a guilty goat would do.
Scene: beach day.
BROCK Everybody, drop your bandannas!
DALE Done! First and fastest! What'd I win?
BROCK It's not a challenge, Dale. It's a tribe swap.
DALE So who won?
BROCK A crab. Your bandanna's in a tide pool, and he's dragging it away.
DALE Let him have it. You have to let a crab win once in a while, or they quit trying.
BROCK Phil. You drew blue. You're Barracuda now.
PHIL I'll be fine.
DALE I didn't ask. But I'll be fine too. Are you gonna need all your rice?
PHIL I was going to bring it with me.
DALE Sure. Sure. Take the rice. Don't even think about it.
MAN Hi! Doug. Irrigation equipment. I'm just happy to be here.
DALE (whispering) I don't trust a man who's happy to be anywhere. I'm not happy to be anywhere, and I'm usually the best thing there.
PHIL Bye, Dale! Bye!
DALE He's waving. I'm busy watching the crab.
DALE Doug's gonna be trouble.
Music: sting dramatic.
Music: previously on.
BROCK (excited) Previously on Exile Isle. A tribe swap tore two best friends apart. Phil Brumley went to Barracuda with his rice. Dale Tummins stayed on Gecko and watched a crab.
Sound: goat bleat.
BROCK And Carol the goat is still out there. Waiting.
Scene: beach day.
DALE I want to be clear about this, Dusty. I don't miss Phil. Two friends are like two trees. You move one tree to the other end of the island, the other tree gets more sun. That's just science.
(A pause.)
MAN Dale, why are you looking down the beach through a tube made of bark?
DALE I'm watching Barracuda camp, Doug. Is that Phil down there?
MAN That's two miles away. And that tube doesn't magnify anything.
DALE It narrows things down. That's either Phil or a pelican.
Sound: pelican squawk.
DALE He looks happy. That's a little selfish of him.
Scene: beach night.
DALE (whispering) Good night, Phil.
(A pause.)
DALE (whispering) He used to say that every night, Dusty. Then five minutes later he'd say, Dale? Good night. It drove me nuts. I'm just reminding myself how annoying it was.
PROFESSOR LUND Good night, Dale.
DALE Professor Lund. I didn't know you were awake.
PROFESSOR LUND I am always awake now, Dale. Since you built the shelter.
Scene: camp fire night.
DALE This smoke signal's my best idea yet. Phil sees the smoke, and he knows Dale's thriving. Dale's not lonely. Dale hasn't given Phil a single thought.
MAN Can smoke say all that?
DALE If you make enough of it. Driftwood, the stuffing from two decorative pillows, and my last bottle of hotel body lotion. It's enriched with essential oils.
PROFESSOR LUND I study signal fires in isolated groups. May I look at your kindling?
DALE Get in there, Professor. A good scientist gets close to her work.
PROFESSOR LUND Thank you, Dale.
Sound: fire roar.
(A pause.)
MAN Oh no. Professor, your eyebrows.
PROFESSOR LUND (calm) That's fine. They grow back.
DALE I hope so. For the show. Viewers like to know what a person's feeling, and now they'll have to guess.
PROFESSOR LUND Thank you, Dale.
Sound: splash small.
MAN Is she walking into the ocean?
DALE She's getting close to her work, Doug. Give her some room.
Scene: beach day.
Sound: wave crash.
MAN Dale, a leaf washed up. Somebody wrote on it in ballpoint pen.
DALE Saw your smoke. Miss you too. Phil.
(A pause.)
DALE I never said I missed him. That's Phil for you. You build one fire on a beach, and he thinks it's about him.
MAN What are you going to do with it?
DALE Keep it under my pillow. As evidence.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: jungle day.
Sound: mud squelch.
DALE That's forty holes, Dusty. Grandpa Ray says hidden advantages get hidden near a lone tree. On an island, any tree's a lone tree if you stand close enough and squint.
MAN Find anything, Dale?
DALE Two crabs, Doug. A flip-flop, and an older hole somebody dug looking for the same thing. Turns out it was one of mine from this morning. That's how thorough I am.
MAN That sign says Crew Only.
DALE Exactly. That's where I'd hide something, if I were a coward. And look. In that tree. A bamboo tube.
Sound: cork pop.
DALE (whispering) Two turkey on wheat, no mayo. One veggie wrap. Three iced teas. Brock, egg whites, dry, no yolk, he will check.
MAN That's a lunch order, Dale.
DALE At first. Then I saw the code. Two turkey on wheat means two men make a long trip across open country. No mayo means no mercy.
DALE And one veggie wrap is obviously Professor Lund. She's been wearing her bandanna low ever since the smoke signal.
MAN So what do the iced teas mean?
DALE That's what they want you to ask. I'm still working on the iced teas.
Scene: beach day.
Sound: goat bleat.
DALE Easy, Carol. That's a new tube in your mouth. Red wax seal. Good girl. Give Dale the tube.
Sound: wood crack.
Sound: goat chewing.
MAN She bit through it like a breadstick.
DALE She's eating the scroll, Doug. She's chewing it slow. I think she's reading it first. Carol. What did it say?
(A pause.)
DALE In a normal goat, that's not a refusal. In Carol, it is.
MAN She just spat the wax seal on your foot.
DALE That's a tip. That's what you leave at a restaurant you're never coming back to.
DALE A goat who reads the clue and keeps it to herself isn't a pet anymore, Doug. She's a competitor.
Scene: jungle day.
DALE Kevin! Carol's chewing on a camera cable!
KEVIN (panicked) Which cable? Oh no. Oh no, oh no.
Sound: footsteps sand.
DALE He left his walkie-talkie on the cooler to run faster. Kevin's a good kid, Dusty, but he's a poor guardian of property. Behind the latrine. Quick.
Sound: walkie static.
PRODUCER (muffled) Did the egg whites come?
DALE (whispering) He's going to check.
PRODUCER Okay, but whatever happens, nobody goes upriver. Nobody. Upstairs was very clear.
CREW Copy. Nobody goes upriver. Who ordered the iced teas?
Sound: walkie static.
DALE Iced tea. That's a cover. Dusty, nobody tells their employees to stay away from a thing that doesn't exist. My building doesn't have a pool, and my landlord's never once told me to stay out of it.
DALE The Golden Coconut's real, it's upriver, and they're scared somebody will find it. I can't think of anybody more qualified to scare them.
KEVIN (out of breath) The cables are fine. Hey, where's my walkie?
DALE I found it in the bushes, Kevin. And to keep this between us, I'm giving you a share of the Golden Coconut.
KEVIN A share of what?
DALE Exactly.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: camp fire night.
Sound: footsteps jungle.
DALE (whispering) Something's crashing through the brush. Could be a boar. I need the nearest heavy object.
MAN Dale. I'm awake. Please put me down.
PHIL (out of breath) Dale, don't throw Doug. It's me.
DALE Phil?
PHIL I walked two miles across the island in the dark. Through the tall grass.
DALE You're allergic to grass.
PHIL Most of them. I brought you half a grilled fish from Barracuda.
DALE Phil. I barely noticed you were gone.
PHIL I knew you'd say that. Come here.
DALE He's hugging me, Dusty. I'm letting him. He walked a long way, and it's cheaper than giving back the fish.
PHIL Dale, the fan forums were right. It's upriver. Look, I drew a map in my journal. The beach, the Snorrel River, the Bog of Endless Regret, a waterfall. And at the very top, the source, question mark. Tiffani and Brayden have a map too, so we have to hurry.
DALE Why's the little cartoon me holding your backpack?
PHIL That's just a drawing.
DALE There'll be time for revisions. Can I have it?
PHIL It's in my journal.
DALE That's fine. I'll take the journal too.
PHIL No. If anybody finds the Golden Coconut, it should be somebody who's believed in it for eleven seasons.
DALE Sure. Or somebody who's believed in it since Tuesday, but harder.
PHIL We go together. We split it fifty-fifty.
DALE Fifty-fifty. Shake on it.
DALE (whispering) In my heart, Dusty, I said ninety-ten. Ten percent's a lot for a man with simple needs. Phil once spent a whole Saturday showing me a moss.
(A pause.)
DALE (whispering) It was a pretty good moss.
DALE Phil, every expedition needs a leader with a name. Once we're upriver, you call me the River Fox.
PHIL Why a fox?
DALE Foxes are cunning. They're fast. They know rivers.
PHIL Foxes aren't really river animals, Dale. If you want a river animal, you might think about the otter.
DALE Nobody's ever been scared of an otter.
PHIL I'll write River Fox in my journal.
DALE That's not the same as calling me it.
MARISOL This is a terrible idea.
DALE Marisol! I thought you were a stump.
MARISOL I've been on this log sharpening a spear the whole time. The river's dangerous. The bog's worse. And I've seen you swim, Dale. From underneath.
DALE Hear that, Phil? She's listing the ways I might die. A woman doesn't do that unless she's been thinking about you a lot, and in detail.
MARISOL I mean it. If you go in the water up there, I am not fishing you out this time.
DALE This time. A woman doesn't say this time unless she's keeping count, Dusty. And she doesn't keep count unless she plans to keep going.
PHIL Marisol, do you want to come with us?
MARISOL No. Absolutely not. Good night, Phil.
Sound: footsteps sand.
DALE Good night to Phil, by name, and nothing to me. Some feelings are too strong to put into words. Or even a nod.
PHIL Tomorrow night. The supply dock, where the rafts are.
Sound: footsteps jungle.
DALE Look at him go. Scratching. I feel something in my chest, Dusty.
(A pause.)
DALE I believe it's the fish.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: jungle night.
PHIL Day nineteen. Walking to the supply dock with Dale. I asked him if this counts as stealing.
DALE It's only stealing if you get caught. Or if you sink it. Are you writing that down?
PHIL I am.
PHIL He's carrying a coconut, his fishing spear, two decorative pillows, and Gecko's entire supply of rice. Dale, is that all the rice?
DALE It's the tribe's rice. I'm in the tribe, so some of it's mine, and I decided which part.
PHIL Which part?
DALE All of it. They can always win more.
Scene: beach night.
PHIL Three rafts. I'm putting the map in my shirt pocket and buttoning it. So it stays dry.
DALE So I can't get at it. You've got a long way to go on trust, Phil. Okay. Spear point down. I want to look ready for anything.
Sound: raft deflate.
Sound: splash big.
PHIL (out of breath) Got you. I've got your collar.
DALE That raft wasn't ready for anything. It sounded like a bagpipe getting bad news.
PHIL The coconut floated. The rice didn't. And there go your pillows.
DALE They look comfortable.
PHIL Maybe that's a sign, Dale. Maybe we should go back.
DALE A sign's a thing on a post with words on it. If you see one, read it to me.
DALE Phil. Look at the end of the dock.
PHIL (whispering) That's Brock's personal boat. Sterling Silver. There's a framed photo of Brock on the dashboard. We can't take Brock's boat.
DALE Why not?
PHIL Because it's Brock's.
DALE Brock's said a hundred times that all he cares about is great television. So he's given up any right to his boat.
PHIL I don't remember him saying that.
DALE He said it to me privately. With his eyes. And the keys are in it.
DALE One problem. It gleams. Anybody on the beach could see it. What we need is camouflage.
Sound: mud squelch.
PHIL (disgusted) Dale, this mud.
DALE Every inch, Phil. The seats, the windshield, Brock's photo. I think he looks better.
PHIL It looks like a big pile of mud shaped like a boat.
DALE That's the best camouflage there is, in a place with a lot of mud and no boats.
PHIL I'm going to gag.
DALE That's the beauty of it. Nothing comes near a thing that smells like this.
Scene: river.
DALE Sun's up over the mouth of the Snorrel. This must be how the great explorers felt, Phil. Magellan and those guys. Right before the parts of their stories I usually skip.
Sound: boat motor.
Music: river adventure.
PHIL We're moving. We're really going upriver.
BROCK (shouting) My boat! Somebody check on my boat!
(A pause.)
DALE He didn't mention us at all. That tells you his priorities.
Scene: river.
DALE The Snorrel's the most beautiful river I've ever stolen a boat on. Someday I'm building a hotel right here, Phil. I'll clear out all the jungle so the guests can see the river.
PHIL That's a kingfisher. And that fern's been on Earth since before the dinosaurs.
DALE If it's been here that long, it should've done more with itself.
PHIL Dale, slow down. That white orchid on the log. There might be a few hundred left in the world.
DALE Got it. It's for Marisol. Now there's a few hundred minus one, which makes mine worth more.
PHIL Dale.
DALE She's gonna love it. Now grab the paddle. We're saving fuel.
Sound: paddle strokes.
DALE It's good exercise. You're lucky you've got a friend who looks out for your health.
PHIL (out of breath) How long have I been paddling?
DALE About three hours. Hey. An old man in a canoe. Hello there!
TEODORO Hello, man made of mud. Hello, man made of bumps.
PHIL They're hives. I'm Phil. This is Dale.
TEODORO I am Teodoro. I have fished this river for sixty years.
DALE I've been on it since dawn. So we have a lot in common.
TEODORO The river does not hurry, and yet it reaches the sea.
DALE Thank you. It's not every day a stranger compares you to a river. Powerful, always moving forward. He's heard about me, Phil.
PHIL I think it's about patience.
DALE Not everything's about you, Phil.
TEODORO The fish that boasts of its size is the first one in the pan.
DALE I've been called a big fish. A guy at the laundromat under my apartment said it. He meant it as a compliment, or close.
TEODORO (laughing) Or close! Ha!
DALE Nobody's ever enjoyed my company that much on the first day.
TEODORO (gentle) A friend who paddles is worth more than gold.
DALE More than gold. Phil, somewhere up this river is something worth more than the Golden Coconut. A platinum coconut, maybe. Which way, Teodoro?
(A pause.)
DALE He's just smiling. He must've signed something.
TEODORO Take this fish for your supper. And upriver, the smell gets worse. Hold your nose, and hold your friend.
DALE I'm not worried. A bad smell's followed me from the beach to camp to here, and it's never once had anything to do with me. Here, Brock's sunglasses. So you'll remember me. Or at least Brock.
Scene: jungle night.
Sound: fire catch.
PHIL I'm only allergic to shellfish, Dale. Regular fish is fine.
DALE Let's not take any chances. Mm. Flaky.
PHIL Day twenty. Teodoro was really kind to strangers.
DALE He sure was. I'm giving him a share of the Golden Coconut. I'll take it out of your ten percent.
PHIL My what?
DALE Your fifty. I said fifty. You two seemed to get along.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: river.
PHIL Dale. Do you smell that?
DALE It smells like a rotten egg. But a rotten egg that worked hard and got promoted.
PHIL I'm tying my bandanna over my nose.
DALE I don't bother. I've been smelling something like it for weeks. A man builds up a tolerance.
Scene: bog.
Sound: bog bubble.
PHIL Wow.
DALE Vindication. Look at it, Phil. Yellow muck, burping. Even the mosquitoes fly around it.
DALE For weeks, people looked at me when they talked about the smell. Professor Lund looked at me, then at her shelter, then back at me. It was the bog all along. From three miles inland. That's how strong this bog is.
PHIL I think the bog's part of the smell at camp. But maybe not all of it.
DALE What's the rest?
PHIL It's more of a personal smell.
DALE Whose?
PHIL Never mind.
Sound: mud squelch.
DALE We're stuck on a mudbank. Somebody's got to get out and push. And a captain stays with his ship, Phil. That's one of the oldest laws of the sea. It's older than most of the sea.
Sound: splash small.
Sound: mud squelch.
PHIL (calm) Dale. I think I'm sinking.
DALE Well, stop sinking.
PHIL That's not really how it works.
DALE They say in a crisis you find out who you really are. I'm finding out I'm a man who can see both sides.
PHIL It's at my waist, Dale.
DALE On one side, there's more room in the boat. The cooler lasts twice as long. And fifty-fifty turns into a hundred-nothing. That's my favorite split.
PHIL What's on the other side?
DALE Your mom sends me a fruitcake every Christmas. She'd have questions.
Sound: bog bubble.
PHIL (scared) It's at my chest.
DALE Wait. Is that the map? In your shirt pocket? It's four inches above the muck and dropping. This isn't about you anymore, Phil. Grab the oar!
Sound: mud squelch.
DALE Got the map! And since I'm already down here, I've got you. Pull!
Sound: body thud.
PHIL (out of breath) I grabbed the reeds. Reeds are a grass.
DALE You're allergic.
PHIL I'm allergic.
(A pause.)
PHIL (crying) You didn't leave me.
DALE Of course not. The map's a little damp, but basically fine.
DALE (whispering) Grandpa Ray said everybody who crosses the Bog of Endless Regret ends up regretting something. He was right. I regret not copying the map.
Scene: jungle night.
DALE (whispering) Phil's asleep in the boat in his muddy clothes. And he smells terrible. Deep, rich sulfur, in waves.
DALE (whispering) It's probably been Phil all along. Back at camp too. I forgive him. That's what friends do.
PHIL Dale? Is there any water?
DALE Phil, I figured out the smell. It's you. I don't hold it against you.
(A pause.)
PHIL That's not how I remember it.
(A pause.)
DALE I'm holding my nose. Weirdly, it's not helping.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: river.
DALE Good news, Phil. You don't smell like the bog anymore. Now you smell like a guy who was recently in a bog.
PHIL Is that better?
DALE It's worse. It lingers.
PHIL Dale, I want to thank you for coming back for me in the bog.
DALE No need. I already thanked myself, several times. It sounded more sincere coming from me.
TIFFANI Hey, guys. So we're on the river.
DALE Phil, somebody around that bend is talking to nobody and expecting to get paid for it.
BRAYDEN Babe, more angle. That's the light.
PHIL It's Tiffani and Brayden. On a raft made of bamboo and cooler lids.
TIFFANI (excited) Oh my gosh. You guys. It's the pillow guy.
DALE I'm flattered. You don't often get recognized for your architecture.
BRAYDEN The Golden Coconut's ours, bro. We've got a map. It's laminated.
DALE Laminated. That's offensive. Ours has been through a bog.
BRAYDEN No offense, but your map is, like, moist.
DALE It's not moist. It's seasoned.
PHIL Maybe we could all work together and share whatever we find.
TIFFANI Aw, he's so pure. Babe, get his face.
DALE That's why it took you eleven tries to get on TV, Phil. Let me answer for the whole boat.
Sound: coconut thunk.
PHIL You threw a coconut at them. It went into the jungle.
Sound: pig grunt.
Sound: coconut thunk.
PHIL Something threw it back. Was that a pig?
DALE That was an ally. He's just confused. Phil, there's forty coconuts in this boat. Brock was a man who prepared for war.
Music: river adventure.
BRAYDEN Babe, watch this. I learned this throw at a wellness retreat.
Sound: coconut thunk.
TIFFANI (whispering) This is so raw, you guys.
PHIL I'm not throwing anything. On principle. Here.
DALE You just handed me a coconut.
PHIL I'm not throwing.
DALE Of course not. You're a supplier.
Sound: coconut thunk.
Sound: body thud.
DALE I'm hit. The shoulder. I'm going down. This means I get to walk with a limp for the rest of my life.
PHIL It's your shoulder.
DALE I don't see why that should matter. Wait. Under the seat. A little orange case that says Emergency. I'd say this counts.
Sound: zipper.
DALE A flare gun, a tin of breath mints, and a signed photo of Brock, so whoever rescues him knows who they rescued. Stand back. A warning shot into the sky, the way civilized navies do.
PHIL (panicked) Dale, wait. Rock!
Sound: wood crack.
Sound: flare gun.
BRAYDEN Babe. Babe, the flare's skipping on the water. It's coming right at us.
TIFFANI It's in the cooler lids!
Sound: fire roar.
DALE Turns out cooler lids are made of something that's always wanted to be on fire.
Sound: splash big.
TIFFANI We're okay, you guys! Still rolling!
PHIL Tiffani! Brayden! Grab my hand!
DALE Don't lean out so far, Phil. I've got your belt.
PHIL Thanks, Dale.
DALE Don't mention it.
(A pause.)
DALE The map's in your lap.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: river.
Sound: splash small.
TIFFANI (out of breath) Okay. So this is honestly a huge moment for us.
BRAYDEN Babe, get the flames. Are you getting the flames?
DALE They're fine, Phil. Both of them. I want that on the record, for legal reasons.
PHIL Dale, their map is floating right past us.
DALE Got it. Look at that. Laminated. Perfectly dry. A map that can't get wet is a map you hang on to.
PHIL We should give it back.
DALE Phil, they've still got something worth a lot more than a map. They've got each other. And the phone, which is the one they really want.
PHIL (shouting) Tiffani! Brayden! Take our two biggest coconuts! Float on those!
Sound: coconut thunk.
TIFFANI You guys, the universe literally has a plan for us.
DALE I hope so. Mine involved a rock.
Scene: jungle night.
DALE Here's how the history books'll tell it, Phil. I lured the enemy close. I faked a terrible injury. Then, at the key moment, I fired.
PHIL I mainly remember a rock.
DALE The rock was part of it.
PHIL You didn't know the rock was there.
DALE Nobody knew the rock was there. That's what made it brilliant. What are you writing?
PHIL Night on a sandbar. Dale says he won a naval battle. One word. Rock.
DALE This is why nobody lets the ammunition boy write the history books.
Scene: waterfall.
DALE Hear that roar? That's a crowd, Phil. Word got around I was coming.
PHIL It's a waterfall. It has to be a hundred feet tall. Why are you taking your shirt off?
DALE In case there are helicopters.
DALE Then we haul the boat up the cliff like the old explorers. Ropes and suffering.
PHIL Who does the suffering?
DALE You. I'll do the explaining.
PHIL Or we use the boat lift. Right there, next to the falls. Brass and teak, with a potted fern. The sign says welcome, please ring.
Sound: service bell.
Sound: rope creak.
WOMAN (calm) Welcome to the Pell Foundation. The Foundation has planted fourteen million trees. Please keep your hands inside the lift.
DALE Little showy. When I plant a tree, I don't tell everybody.
PHIL I've never seen you plant a tree.
DALE Exactly. That's my point.
PHIL Should we be worried that a secret river has an elevator?
DALE Phil. If they didn't want guests, they wouldn't have a fern. Nobody waters a fern for enemies.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: compound terrace.
Sound: peacock call.
PHIL Dale. The whole river comes out of a marble fountain. Out of a stone dolphin's mouth.
DALE Like he's been holding it in for years. And smell that, Phil. Coconut and vanilla and money. For the first time in weeks I can smell something besides the island.
PHIL What else can you smell?
DALE You.
Sound: garden hose.
PHIL Hey! That man in the polo shirt is hosing me off! He didn't even say anything!
Sound: garden hose.
DALE Now the other one's hosing me. That's a courtesy, Phil. So you don't feel singled out.
Sound: peacock call.
DALE I miss Dusty. Hey, peacock. You've got the same quiet face. Okay. My strategy. I find the Golden Coconut, I split it with Phil, ninety-ten, and Marisol watches me do it.
(A pause.)
Sound: peacock call.
DALE That's more feedback than Dusty ever gave me.
PHIL Dale, come look at the gift shop. Everything in here is a coconut candle. This big one's called Island Serenity. It's nine hundred dollars.
DALE It'd fit in Brock's boat if we took out the seats. Tag says hand-dipped with love by our Exile Ridge family. Nice family. Lot of wax.
PHIL That arch out there says Exile Ridge Rest Camp. Dale, Exile Ridge is supposed to be on the other side of the island.
DALE Islands are round, Phil. Everything's on the other side of the island.
GUS (crying) Dale? Phil? Hi, guys.
PHIL Gus! Why are you crying? It's three in the afternoon.
GUS It's for the sunset. I'm getting a head start.
DALE I respect the planning.
MARISOL Dale? Phil? What are you doing here?
DALE Marisol. I could ask you the same thing. But I won't. A man knows when he's been followed.
MARISOL I got blindsided at the Torch Tribunal two nights ago. A boat brought me here to rest.
DALE Sure it did. You heard I went upriver and got yourself voted out on purpose. Some women write letters.
MARISOL I didn't follow you, Dale. I didn't know you were gone. I'm not sure anyone did.
DALE They knew. They're just hiding it. Like you.
MARISOL (whispering) Something's wrong with this place. They won't let us leave. Get back in your boat.
DALE I'm not leaving without you.
MARISOL That's exactly what I'm afraid of.
Sound: service bell.
CREW Gentlemen. Doctor Pell would be honored if you joined him for dinner.
DALE Will there be dessert?
CREW At the compound, sir, there's always dessert.
DALE That's the most beautiful thing anyone's ever said to me. And Marisol once told me to keep breathing.
MARISOL That was an order.
DALE I'll go find my shirt.
Scene: dining room.
Music: pell elegant.
DOCTOR PELL Mister Brumley. Eleven applications. That's devotion.
PHIL (nervous) Doctor Pell. Wow. Thank you, sir.
DOCTOR PELL And Mister Tummins. You stole Brock's boat.
DALE Borrowed.
DOCTOR PELL That's what you told Mister Brandt. About the jet ski.
DALE (whispering) Phil. I don't care for him. Also there are seven forks at my place. Which one's for the soup?
PHIL (whispering) None of them. That's a spoon.
Sound: dinner clink.
DALE Two forks to eat with, three in the pockets. That leaves two on the table. Nobody can say I took more than my share.
PHIL Dale, you just ate the flower out of your soup. That's a garnish.
DALE A garnish is just food that's shy. And this fish is so small, it seems to be apologizing. I accept.
PHIL That last course was mostly eel, by the way.
DALE I wish you'd mentioned that before I ate yours too.
DOCTOR PELL Is everything to your liking?
DALE The forks are great.
DOCTOR PELL I've built hospitals, gentlemen. Endowed libraries. A scholarship for underprivileged oboists. And a museum wing devoted entirely to sand.
DALE Do you charge for the sand?
DOCTOR PELL Admission is free.
DALE Well, there's your problem.
CREW The coconut soufflé.
DALE Look at it shake. Marisol, if you can hear me somewhere, I'm sorry. This is different.
DOCTOR PELL Television is cruel. A contestant is voted off, and in one moment they lose everything. The cameras. The beach. The purpose. I've watched thirty-one seasons, and I couldn't bear it. So I give them a home.
DOCTOR PELL That long building with the chimneys. Here at Exile Ridge, they hand-dip coconut candles for the Foundation gift shop. The candles fund the Foundation, which funds the compound, which makes the candles. It's a circle. Nothing in it ever ends.
PHIL How long do they stay?
DOCTOR PELL (gentle) Forever. A season that never ends. Nobody goes home sad again, because nobody goes home.
PHIL That's kidnapping.
DOCTOR PELL It's a residency.
Music: sting dramatic.
PHIL I can't eat this.
DALE I respect your wishes, Phil. That's what you do for a friend. You eat fast, before he changes his mind.
DALE Doctor Pell. I've thought hard about everything you said. The candles. Forever. Gus and Marisol. And I have to ask the question I came all this way to ask. Is there any more soufflé?
PHIL (sighing) Dale.
CREW I'll check, sir.
DALE And while he checks. The Golden Coconut.
(A pause.)
DALE (whispering) Phil, even the peacocks stopped screaming. What are you writing under the table?
PHIL (whispering) Everything.
DALE Did you put in the forks?
PHIL Especially the forks.
DOCTOR PELL Mister Tummins. I've been hoping you'd ask.
DALE And I've been hoping you'd answer.
Sound: door lock.
Sound: door lock.
PHIL Dale. They just locked the big doors. And the little doors.
DALE Then we'll wait a little longer. To be polite.
(A pause.)
DALE The soufflé isn't coming.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: candle room.
DOCTOR PELL (muffled) O humble wick, you bow your head to the flame. Quota reminder. Forty candles a day. And the flame, humbly, bows back.
DALE Which part of that was the poem?
PHIL I honestly can't tell. Dale, we're locked in a hot room full of wax vats, and you're still checking the soufflé dish. It's empty. You've checked it four times.
DALE You've never checked a corner the way I check a corner.
PHIL Forty candles a day. Is that a lot?
DALE Not for me. I've never made a candle in my life.
GUS (crying) Look at this one, Phil. It's like a sunset I made myself.
CREW Tummins. Your candles look like potatoes that got frightened.
DALE That's a style. Write it down. Is he writing it down? I hope that's the name of the style.
PHIL Day one in the candle room. I made fifty-one candles. Dale made six. He's putting four of mine under his name.
DALE Don't thank me.
DALE (whispering) Hey. Guard. You want a boat? Brock Sterling's boat. For one key.
CREW That boat's tied up at Doctor Pell's dock. So it's Doctor Pell's boat.
DALE Okay. How about Phil?
PHIL Dale!
Sound: door open.
PROFESSOR LUND Oh. Oh, no.
DALE Professor Lund! They voted you out too? Welcome to the family!
PROFESSOR LUND I'd like a vat, please. As far from him as you have.
DALE Good pick, Professor. Right behind a pillar. Pillars are load-bearing. I'm an architect.
PROFESSOR LUND I'm aware, Dale.
DALE Hey, those are good goggles. Did you make those out of candle molds?
PROFESSOR LUND And twine.
DALE Nobody else in here needs goggles. You must think I've got great energy. Great energy can splash. Do they fog up?
PROFESSOR LUND Not yet.
Scene: candle room.
Sound: snore big.
PHIL Day two. Gus snores like an outboard motor that never goes anywhere. Professor Lund sleeps in her goggles. Dale's awake. I can tell.
Music: tender piano.
PHIL (gentle) Dale? I know this isn't the time. But I want you to know you're my best friend in the world. You always have been.
(A pause.)
DALE Okay.
(A pause.)
DALE Same here, I guess. Roughly.
DALE There. Two pats on the arm. That's one more than I usually give anybody.
PHIL Thanks, Dale.
DALE And since we're sharing feelings. This is all your fault.
PHIL My fault?
DALE Let's go through it. You applied to this show eleven times. A normal person takes the hint after six. You let them swap you to Barracuda and left me alone with Carol, and everybody knows she's a bad influence.
DALE You sank in the bog and made me save you, which took a lot out of me, and some of it was the map. And who rang the bell on the boat lift?
PHIL I did.
DALE There you go. All I did was follow you. As a friend.
PHIL That's not how I remember it.
DALE That's the whole problem, Phil. You remember things. It never helps anybody.
(A pause.)
PHIL I understand, Dale. I forgive you.
DALE I accept your apology.
Scene: candle room.
DALE Every great escape starts with a plan, Phil. Mine starts with a candle the size of a fire hydrant. On Thursdays the big Island Serenity candles go down to the dock on a barge. Nobody checks them. They're just candles. And if a man was inside one, he'd be just a candle too.
PHIL Dale. No.
DALE Part one, we dip you real carefully until you're a nine-hundred-dollar candle. Part two, I stay behind and lead the resistance.
PHIL What's the resistance going to do?
DALE Mostly eat.
PHIL And part three?
DALE In my experience, part three takes care of itself.
PHIL How do I breathe inside a candle?
DALE Through the wick.
(A pause.)
PHIL Okay. I'll do it. I trust you.
DALE I've never trusted anybody, and it's worked out great for me. But I won't discourage you. Shake on it. Huh. Waxy.
Sound: crank ratchet.
PHIL (nervous) Dale, I'm not sure about this.
DALE You're doing great. Look at you go up. Very graceful.
PHIL I'm not sure about this. That's ten times now.
DALE I'm not counting.
PHIL I am.
DALE Crank's stiff. I need leverage. Foot on the vat. I've always had great leverage.
Sound: wax slosh.
PHIL Dale! You tipped the whole vat over!
DALE Smells terrific, though. And you're perfectly safe up there, because I haven't dipped you yet. That's lucky timing. Also, it was the plan.
PHIL Did you mean to do that?
DALE Every bit of it.
Sound: door open.
CREW (shouting) Hey! Nobody move!
Sound: mud squelch.
CREW I can't move.
DALE Coconut wax cools fast, fellas. Look at the three of you, stuck in the doorway with your arms out. Like a museum exhibit called Men Who Hurried.
CREW Help.
DALE Hang in there!
CREW Thanks.
DALE I was talking to Phil.
Sound: door open.
MARISOL I was going to do this on Tuesday. This works too.
DALE Marisol! You came for me.
MARISOL I came for the keys. Gus, wake up the dorm. Professor, cot frames across the wax, make a bridge. Everybody to the dock.
DOCTOR PELL (muffled) O wick, O patient wick.
Sound: walkie static.
MARISOL That's enough poetry.
DALE (proud) Friends! Candle makers! Tonight you are free! Tonight the wick of tyranny has been snuffed!
Sound: footsteps jungle.
GUS (crying) Come on, peacocks. You're free too.
PROFESSOR LUND Excuse me. Wide berth. Very wide berth.
DALE Some will ask, who freed us? And history will answer. A liberator. The Liberator.
(A pause.)
DALE It'll catch on. A great nickname needs time, like a soufflé. Now. Part two. My childhood.
Music: sting comic.
DALE And that is why, in many ways, I am a lighthouse. Twenty-two minutes. Any questions?
CREW My shoes are stuck in the wax. Can you get me out?
DALE Great question. I'll get back to you. You stayed for the whole thing. I like to think you'd have stayed anyway. Huh. I feel like I'm forgetting something.
PHIL Dale. Up here. I'm still hanging from the ceiling.
MARISOL Hold still, Phil. This candle knife is sharp.
Sound: body thud.
PHIL Thanks, Marisol. And thanks, Dale.
MARISOL Dock. Now. Both of you.
DALE Right behind you.
DALE (whispering) Hallway marked Private. Brass sign at the end. Vault. A liberator deserves a small honorarium.
Scene: vault.
DALE Hello?
(A pause.)
DALE Nobody? Then I'm coming in. That's the rule. Door's wide open, too. Rich people never think anybody'll come in uninvited.
DALE Jar of sand. From the Museum Wing. And every library card from every library he ever gave away. Weird thing to keep. Oh. Nobody can check anything out.
Music: triumph.
DALE (whispering) There it is. On velvet. Under a glass dome. A brass plaque. Season Four. The Golden Coconut. It glows, Dusty, wherever you are. Like a dessert glows when you're the only one at the table who knows there's a second one.
DALE Hat off. And to be safe, dome off. Lighter than I thought. That proves how pure it is. The finest things are always light. Feathers. Angels. Soufflé. A clear conscience, which I've always kept very light. First, I'd like to thank myself.
DOCTOR PELL Mister Tummins.
DALE Doctor Pell. Silk robe, silver candlestick. You look like a very rich ghost.
DOCTOR PELL (sad) I would have given it to you. After forty years of service. That's how the Foundation works. You only had to wait.
DALE Forty years. Is that counting weekends?
DOCTOR PELL Weekends are when we do the votives.
DALE Let me step back and think over your offer.
Sound: candle rack crash.
DOCTOR PELL Oh, dear.
Sound: fire catch.
Sound: fire roar.
DALE That's the most beautiful fire I've ever caused, and I've caused several. Look at it go, room to room. Very polite. Smells like a birthday.
DOCTOR PELL (shouting) Mister Tummins! Put that down and help me!
DALE I can't. I'm holding something.
Scene: compound terrace.
Sound: fire roar.
Sound: peacock call.
DALE The peacocks are leaving in single file. With dignity. They didn't let me down.
GUS (crying) It's so beautiful! Hold on, fellas, I've got you both.
DALE Hi, Professor.
PROFESSOR LUND No.
DALE Look at her walk through the smoke. No eyebrows left to lose. That's a kind of freedom the rest of us will never know.
MARISOL Forty-one. Forty-two. Gus, put the attendants on the raft. Forty-three. Dale. That's everybody. Everyone's out.
DALE Counted me last. Saving the best for last.
MARISOL Saving the problem for last.
PHIL (shouting) Dale! Over here! I've got Brock's boat running!
DALE He wouldn't leave without me. I've never understood why he does stuff like that. I'm glad he does. I forgot where we parked.
Sound: jet ski engine.
PHIL Dale, it's Pell! On a gold jet ski, in his robe! He's heading for the boat lift!
DALE I've got the wheel. Marisol! Marisol, look! I've got the Golden Coconut!
PHIL Dale.
DALE Not now. She's looking.
PHIL Dale!
Sound: jet ski crash.
Sound: splash big.
Sound: bog bubble.
PHIL You hit him! He flew right off into the fountain! The jet ski's sinking!
MARISOL He's fine. He's paddling for the boat lift on an Island Serenity candle.
DALE Listen to those bubbles, Phil. Some men are put on this earth to cure diseases. Some build hospitals. Some swim out and save people from rocks. I'm here to put jet skis on the bottom of things. One at a time, for as long as I'm needed.
PHIL Are you okay?
DALE Never been better. I know who I am now. I'm a guy who sinks jet skis.
PHIL That's not a job, Dale.
DALE It's a calling. I'll tell Hollis. I think it'll help him understand. It was never personal.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: river.
Sound: explosion small.
DALE Hear that, Phil? That's the candle inventory, still finding its way to the fire. It's nice to hear your work carrying on without you.
PHIL Dale, we burned down a billionaire's house.
DALE And now the current does all the work. There's no feeling like it.
Sound: boat motor.
PHIL Brock's boat has a dent in the front. It's the exact shape of a jet ski.
DALE It's not a dent. It's a trophy that happens to be part of the boat.
PHIL And we're towing three rafts made of gift-shop shelving. With extension cords.
DALE Look at the candle workers back there. Some of them dipped so long they can't stop. That one's asleep and still dipping. I've always found it restful to watch other people work.
PHIL Can I hold the Golden Coconut?
DALE Of course. As soon as we reach the beach, and I get it appraised, and I make a few calls.
PHIL Okay.
DALE (whispering) It meant a lot to him that I said of course.
Sound: bog bubble.
GRANDPA RAY Hold your noses, everybody. That's the Bog of Endless Regret.
(A pause.)
PROFESSOR LUND Mister Tummins, we passed the bog an hour ago. Why can I still smell it?
DALE That's how strong that bog is, Professor. It follows you.
GUS (crying) It's so beautiful.
DALE Phil, is Gus hurt?
PHIL It's the sunrise. He also cried at the peacocks. And a moth. And the compound burning down.
GUS It was the saddest beautiful thing.
DALE I've only cried once as an adult. A waiter told me the soup I'd already eaten wasn't included.
PHIL That's a different kind of crying.
DALE It was a lot of soup.
(A pause.)
TEODORO The man who burns the house should not also ask for breakfast.
DALE Phil, steer for that sandbar. It's Teodoro. With him you have to listen for what's underneath.
DALE Morning, Teodoro. Got any breakfast?
TEODORO (laughing) Ha. Here. Take a fish.
PHIL I think the proverb meant the opposite.
DALE I'm the one holding the fish.
Sound: paddle strokes.
DALE Okay, everybody on the rafts, listen up, so you have it straight for the interviews. I planned this escape from the start. I set the compound on fire as a signal. And look how well it worked. You can still see it.
DALE They're nodding, Phil. Some of them are just dipping in their sleep, but I'm counting it.
PHIL That's not how I remember it.
DALE Is that journal still waterproof?
PHIL Yes.
DALE Fireproof?
PHIL No. I'm moving it to my other side.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: river.
DALE Phil, look at the sky. It's the color of a peach left on a dashboard. I'm going to ask Marisol to marry me.
PHIL Dale, no.
DALE She followed me all the way upriver. She pretended to get voted out just to be there when I showed up. A woman only goes to that kind of trouble for one man.
PHIL She was rescuing everybody.
DALE Including me. Professor Lund, I need that cushion. It's the only dry place on the boat to kneel.
PROFESSOR LUND Of course you do.
Sound: splash big.
GUS Professor's overboard! I've got her collar!
PROFESSOR LUND Don't mind me.
DALE She held her notebook over her head the whole way down. That's real priorities. Marisol. No, keep your other hand on the wheel. I respect that.
DALE Marisol Vega, will you be my wife?
(A pause.)
MARISOL Not in a million years, Dale.
DALE The grand prize is one million dollars, so I know exactly what you mean. Not yet. Not until after the finale. I've always admired a woman who keeps her eye on the money.
PHIL That was a no.
DALE It was a not yet. Write it down.
PHIL (sighing) Dale proposed. Marisol said no. Professor Lund fell in the river.
DALE You misspelled not yet.
PHIL I didn't spell it at all.
DALE That's the problem.
Scene: beach night.
Sound: walkie static.
BROCK You took my boat.
DALE Brock! We haven't even touched sand yet. And I didn't take it. I improved it. That's mud camouflage.
BROCK There is a jet ski shaped dent in my boat.
DALE That's a trophy.
BROCK Where have you been? All of you?
DALE Well, first there was a waterfall.
BROCK No. You were at the rest camp. All of you. It was very restful. Right, crew?
CREW Very restful.
DALE Look at that, Phil. I've never seen this crew agree on anything. Not even lunch.
Sound: footsteps sand.
KEVIN (nervous) Mister Tummins? It's midnight, I know, but legal needs your statement.
DALE Kevin. I'll give you Brock's boat if you tell me what's going on.
KEVIN It's Brock's boat.
DALE Brock's got a lot on his plate. He'd be glad to have one less thing.
KEVIN I could lose my job over this.
DALE That's why I'm offering you a boat. So you'll have somewhere to live.
Sound: footsteps sand.
DALE He's walking away sweating, Dusty. That's a counteroffer.
Sound: zipper.
DALE (whispering) Goodnight, Golden Coconut. Nobody's touched these decorative pillows on purpose since the shelter came down. You're safe in here. I'll sleep on you like a dragon on its gold.
DALE Now hold still. I'm looking for your flat side.
(A pause.)
DALE (sleepy) There isn't one.
Scene: beach day.
Sound: goat bleat.
KEVIN While you were gone, Carol became the star of the season. She gets more fan mail than anyone.
DALE More than me?
KEVIN More than everyone. Combined. There's talk of a calendar.
DALE Let's look at the record, Kevin. Carol ate a clue, a flip-flop, and part of the shelter. I found the Golden Coconut. Nobody's offering me a calendar.
PHIL She's very photogenic.
DALE She ate my crown.
PHIL People liked that part.
Sound: goat chewing.
Scene: torch tribunal.
BROCK Players. The island has a heart. The island believes in second chances. And nothing happened upriver.
BROCK Nothing happened upriver. Which is why, tonight, I am announcing the Redemption Twist. Every player who was voted out is back in the game, effective immediately.
GUS (crying) Oh, that's beautiful.
GRANDPA RAY Oh, that's wonderful.
PROFESSOR LUND How generous.
BROCK Because the network loves you so much, it wants you where it can keep an eye on you. And nothing happened upriver.
MARISOL He said the keep an eye on you part very fast.
DALE Brock, on behalf of everybody I redeemed upriver, I'd like to thank the network for this honor.
BROCK Sit down, Dale.
DALE I'm sitting. Slowly. With a little wave. So people know it was my idea.
Scene: confessional.
DALE Dusty, it's obvious. I go upriver, I redeem everybody, and now there's a twist called the Redemption Twist. You don't need a Nobel Prize to see it. Professor Lund has one, and she didn't see it.
DALE Personally, I'd have called it the Tummins Twist. But networks are cautious. They didn't want the other players to feel bad.
(A pause.)
DALE Phil has a theory. He says they're keeping us on camera where the lawyers can see us, and if anybody mentions the candle room, the footage gets lost. I said, lost where? He said, just lost. Phil's always had trouble when somebody else gets an honor.
DALE And yes, the beach smells worse since we got back. That's the bog. It followed us down the river, hanging on to the bottom of the boat.
(A pause.)
DALE Several people agree something followed us down the river.
DALE One more thing. Last night I saw Brock alone in his tent, polishing his brass snuffer. Over and over. You could tell he's saving it for somebody special.
(A pause.)
DALE (sad) Nobody's ever polished anything for me.
Scene: beach day.
Sound: challenge gong.
BROCK Wanna know what you're playing for?
DALE No.
BROCK The final Immunity Conch! Out in this lagoon stands a row of wooden posts, each with a top the size of a dinner plate. Stand on yours until you fall. Last one standing wins. The purest test of the human spirit.
BROCK Again for camera two. The purest. Test. Of the human spirit.
DALE I'm taking the post nearest Dusty's boat, so the footage of my victory doesn't have to be zoomed.
Sound: splash small.
DALE Something's coming over me, Dusty. It's destiny. Or possibly a cramp. I'm going with destiny.
DALE (shouting) Phil! Call me The Pillar!
PHIL Okay, Dale.
DALE A pillar holds things up. A pillar doesn't fall. At the reunion they'll chant it. Somebody'll shush them, and they'll chant louder, because you can't shush a pillar.
DALE Here's my statue. Bronze. Me on a post, one hand raised, as if to say, here's the horizon. Pigeons allowed, but only on the post part.
Sound: pelican squawk.
GRANDPA RAY Well, hello there, little fella. Look, everybody, a pelican sat down on my post.
DALE Everybody loves Grandpa Ray. Even pelicans. I've never cared for pelicans. I don't trust any animal that keeps its lunch in its face. It suggests it doesn't trust you either.
DALE Marisol. Fancy meeting you here.
MARISOL Dale. I'm concentrating.
DALE She didn't say on what, Dusty. She didn't have to.
PHIL (scared) Nobody move. There's a bee on my arm.
DALE Phil's allergic to bees. Become one with the post, Phil.
PHIL I'm trying to become one with anything but the bee.
(A pause.)
DALE My legs are talking to me, Dusty. They're saying, Dale, you're a hero. Now they're saying some other things that are less clear.
DALE Phil, look. A moth. Silver, drifting in loops. It's the most beautiful moth I've ever seen, and I've seen at least two. If I catch it, that's the shot. The Pillar and the Moth. That's the cover of the memoir.
PHIL Dale. Don't.
DALE It's for the cover.
Sound: splash big.
BROCK (excited) Dale is out! At eleven minutes.
DALE Eleven?
BROCK Eleven. I had them check.
KEVIN For what it's worth, on the replay it looked less like a fall than a decision.
DALE The water's only waist deep, but I'm making the most of it.
DALE You know, Dusty, The Pillar never fit. A pillar just stands there while people lean on it. I'm a man of motion. I do my own leaning.
Sound: challenge gong.
BROCK Nine hours! Marisol Vega wins the final Immunity Conch!
GUS (crying) She did it!
PHIL (whispering) Don't move.
DALE Phil, I'm on the beach. I haven't moved since lunch.
PHIL I was talking to the moth. It's been on my shoulder for four hours.
DALE I've been betrayed by a goat, a host, and a network. I'd never been betrayed by a moth.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: torch tribunal.
GRANDPA RAY Dale, why'd you bring a pillow to the Torch Tribunal?
DALE You'll see.
GUS Is it for crying into? I can share mine.
DALE You'll see.
BROCK Marisol, you're holding the Immunity Conch. How are you feeling?
MARISOL Fine.
BROCK Phil?
PHIL Conflicted.
BROCK Dale?
DALE I feel like a man who's got something in his pillow. Brock, I'd like to play an advantage.
BROCK Hidden advantages have to be played before the vote.
DALE I know the rules. This isn't a hidden advantage. It's the Golden Coconut. They haven't written the rule that can hold it.
Sound: zipper.
Music: tribunal tension.
DALE Behold. The Golden Coconut.
Sound: crowd gasp.
DALE Was that you, Gus?
GUS I meant it this time.
BROCK Give me that.
DALE Don't hold it way out from your body with two fingers like that.
BROCK It smells, Dale.
Sound: coconut thunk.
Sound: wood crack.
GRANDPA RAY Huh. That's just coconut water.
PROFESSOR LUND And paint, Mister Tummins. The gold goes exactly as deep as paint goes.
DALE That's the coconut.
GRANDPA RAY Sure, Dale.
BROCK Wait. There's a note in here, in a little plastic bag. Oh, I'm going to enjoy this. Ahem. Nice try. Love, the Season Four crew.
(A pause.)
DALE Love. A whole crew of strangers signed a note to me with love, years before they ever met me. That doesn't happen to just anybody.
BROCK I'll read the votes. First vote, Dale. Second vote, Dale. Third vote, Dale, with a smiley face.
GRANDPA RAY Nothing personal.
DALE That's exactly what the most dangerous man alive would draw.
BROCK Dale. The pen went right through the bark on this one.
PROFESSOR LUND And into my knee. It's fine. It's only a knee.
BROCK This one just says Dale.
MARISOL That one's mine.
BROCK Next. Dale, I'm sorry. You know I love you. Please eat something with a vegetable in it. Phil. That's the longest ballot in the history of the show.
PHIL (sad) I meant every word.
BROCK Last vote. Best wishes, Dale Tummins. That's a vote for Dale.
DALE That's my autograph. I was practicing on the back.
BROCK It's a name. On a ballot. In an urn.
DALE A great man's autograph isn't a vote. It's a gift.
BROCK That's beautiful. It's still a vote. Unanimous.
DALE Even I have to admit I've got a lot of support.
BROCK Dusty. Closer. Closer. Dale. The island.
(A pause.)
KEVIN (nervous) Sorry. Is he done?
BROCK Is done with you.
Sound: torch snuff.
(A pause.)
BROCK (whispering) Thank you.
DALE That's classy. Hosts don't have to do that.
Scene: studio crowd.
Music: main theme.
CO-HOST Live from Los Angeles, it's the Exile Isle reunion! Please welcome your host, Brock Sterling!
Sound: applause.
DALE (whispering) Kevin, why'd you put me behind a fern?
KEVIN It's a place of honor.
DALE I can barely see the stage.
KEVIN Yes.
DALE Nine million people watching, Phil, and I've got a new suit. I tucked the tags in the collar so I can return it in the morning. That's how a man stays humble.
BROCK Let's look back at the season.
Sound: shelter collapse.
Sound: audience laugh.
DALE They laugh hardest at my parts. Especially the parts that weren't supposed to be funny. That's how you know somebody's a natural.
PROFESSOR LUND I'm taking notes, Mister Tummins. For later.
DALE Ooh, here's the part where I invent fire.
PHIL That's not how I remember it.
Sound: paper burn.
PHIL That's you feeding my journal into the fire. Forty feet tall.
Sound: crowd gasp.
DALE Everybody's turned around to look at me. You've got to acknowledge your public.
PHIL They're not waving back.
DALE They're stunned.
BROCK The winner of Exile Isle, and one million dollars, is.
(A pause.)
CO-HOST Somebody check his pulse.
BROCK Marisol Vega!
Music: triumph.
Sound: crowd cheer.
DALE Marisol! Over here! My arms are open!
GUS (crying) Marisol!
DALE She walked right past me and hugged Gus. I don't mind. On the river she said not in a million years. Now here's the million. In a sense, the years have passed.
PHIL That's not how years work.
DALE It's how money works.
CO-HOST And your Fan Favorite, by a landslide, Phil Brumley!
Sound: applause.
PHIL (nervous) It's still going. Am I in trouble?
DALE I'm standing too, Phil, so people can see me better.
PHIL I want to thank my students, my mother, and my allergist. And my best friend Dale, who I forgive.
Sound: crowd cheer.
DALE They cheered the forgiving part loudest. They want to see what a man looks like who's worth that much forgiveness.
BROCK And a statement from the network. Doctor Augustin Pell has stepped back from philanthropy to spend time with his lawyers. Former residents of Exile Ridge will get a generous settlement, as long as they agree Exile Ridge never existed.
GUS (crying) I'll sign. It was a beautiful place that never existed.
CO-HOST We'll be right back.
DALE (whispering) Phil. Fourth row. Hollis is here.
PHIL I know. He waved at me.
DALE He's got a sign made out of a pizza box. Big letters, Dale, where is my jet ski. Smaller, four thousand dollars. Smaller still, plus interest. He ran out of room and rage at the same time.
DALE Good thing I've got the fern. I'll leave out the back with the crew, wearing Kevin's headset.
Sound: camera beep.
PHIL Dale. Dusty's pointing his camera right at you.
CO-HOST And we're back, and there's Dale on the big screen, peeking out of a fern!
HOLLIS (shouting) Tummins!
BROCK As we close another season, Dale, get off my stage.
Sound: glasses crunch.
PROFESSOR LUND Of course. My new reading glasses. In the tuba.
DALE (out of breath) Kevin! Lock this fire door behind me and the jet ski's yours!
KEVIN Which jet ski?
DALE Any of them.
Sound: door slam.
Sound: crowd cheer.
DALE Third standing ovation tonight. The first two were for Marisol and Phil. I like to think the third one's for me. It might also be so Hollis can get out of his row.
DALE Either way, they stood.
Scene: laundromat.
DALE It's good to be home, Carol. Kevin mailed me your calendar. You're every month. I hung you over the stove where I can keep an eye on you.
DALE The dryers still thump all night. The lavender from the dryer sheets still drifts up through the floor, doing its best.
DALE I'm famous now, in a quiet way. A man at a gas station looked at me a long time and said, you're the guy. I said I was. Sometimes that's all fame is.
Sound: phone ring.
PHIL Dale, did you leave the coconut on Hollis's porch?
DALE Glued back together with candle wax and touched up with a paint pen. Plus an invoice marked paid in full, and a certificate of authenticity. I wrote it myself, then signed it again as a witness.
PHIL He's not going to take a coconut.
DALE It's not a coconut. It's a payment plan.
Sound: door pound.
DALE Hang on, Phil. Somebody's at the door.
Sound: door open.
DALE It's the coconut. In two pieces. With a fresh note from Hollis. It says, nice try.
DALE That's twice now that coconut's told me that. I'm starting to think it has a personality.
PHIL Dale, I called with news. A new show. Two friends get left in the Arctic for a month. One canoe. One sack of flour.
DALE Just flour?
PHIL Just flour. They asked if I had a partner. I said you.
DALE Out of the question. I've got consulting work. I've got my memoir. It has a moth on the cover now, which is a lot of responsibility. And a sack of flour isn't a supply, Phil. It's a dare.
PHIL I understand.
Sound: truck idle.
DALE Hold on. There's a truck idling at the curb. It's Hollis. He's got the pizza box sign. He added a new line at the bottom. I can't quite read it.
(A pause.)
DALE I don't need to.
DALE Phil, I'd be honored. But only because you need me.
(A pause.)
PHIL (gentle) That's not how I remember it. But come out the back. I'm in the alley.
Sound: door slam.
WOMAN Dale. You're back. Hang on, let me prop open both doors.
Sound: door open.
DALE Like the first warm day of spring.
WOMAN It's November.
Scene: city street.
PHIL Get in, Dale. I rolled down all four windows.
DALE Good. I'm glad somebody's finally doing something about the smell.
Music: end credits.