A Full-Cast Audio Drama
The script of a full-cast audio drama built on Washington Irving's 1820 story The Legend of Sleepy Hollow (public domain), with Dale Tummins written in. There is no narrator. Scene, sound and music cues are as performed.
Music: hollow theme.
Scene: schoolhouse.
Sound: ferule rap.
ICHABOD Silence. Master Van Houten, you were whispering behind your book.
A BOY I was reading behind my book, sir.
ICHABOD Out loud?
A BOY Quietly out loud.
ICHABOD The birch has hung on its three nails since Tuesday, Master Van Houten. I believe it misses you.
DALE Sir, if I could jump in here as the assistant schoolmaster.
ICHABOD You could not, because you are not.
DALE I've been here since Monday.
ICHABOD You have been here since Monday. Nobody hired you. Nobody pays you. And every morning you're sitting at my desk before I unlock the door.
DALE You should get a better lock. Anybody can get into this place. I'd charge for that advice if I was on the payroll.
ICHABOD It is an excellent lock. A thief gets in with perfect ease and finds some embarrassment in getting out. Yost Van Houten built it on the principle of an eel pot.
A BOY That's my grandpa.
DALE Then your grandpa built a schoolhouse that catches grown men like eels, and that's why I can't leave. I'm caught, sir. You might as well use me.
A GIRL Please, sir, the new man ate my apple.
DALE I confiscated it. I'm following your system.
ICHABOD I confiscate the apples. I do not eat them in front of the child.
DALE Then where do they go?
ICHABOD (sighing) That is between me and the apple.
Sound: kids giggle.
ICHABOD Master Van Houten. Come here.
A BOY (scared) It wasn't me laughing, sir.
ICHABOD It was the loudest laugh. That makes it the strongest, and justice falls on the strong. Spare the rod and spoil the child. You will copy the seventh psalm twice, and you will remember it and thank me for it the longest day you have to live.
A BOY Yes, sir.
DALE That's good. I want to learn that one.
ICHABOD Hear me, sir. A schoolmaster in Sleepy Hollow is paid in pennies. He boards a week at a time with the farmers whose children he teaches. Everything I own in the world fits in one cotton handkerchief. There is nothing here for an assistant.
DALE Where are you boarding this week?
ICHABOD With Hans Van Ripper.
DALE Is he a big eater?
ICHABOD Why?
DALE I'm not picky. I'd just hate for a whole farm's worth of supper to go to one schoolmaster.
ICHABOD Out of the question.
DALE You make their hay, you mend their fences, you chop their wood, and they feed you. Let me do it. You teach. You eat. I'll be the hay.
(A pause.)
ICHABOD All of it?
DALE All of it except the cows. Cows stare at me.
ICHABOD The hay, then. And the fences. And you will never sit at my desk again.
DALE Deal. Assistant schoolmaster.
ICHABOD Assistant to the hay.
DALE I'll take it. Kids, you heard him.
Sound: kids groan.
Scene: cottage.
Sound: quill scratch.
DALE Dear Phil. I've got a job. It doesn't pay, but nobody's said I can't have it, and that's basically a yes. My boss is the schoolmaster, Ichabod Crane. He's very tall, and he eats like he's building a second schoolmaster. We're close already.
DALE Everybody here falls asleep in the afternoon, even the dogs. A man told me the whole valley's bewitched. I said I lived above a laundromat for six years, I know what bewitched is. Your friend, Dale. Assistant schoolmaster. Pending.
Scene: cottage.
Sound: spinning wheel.
ICHABOD (nervous) Go on. Don't stop there. The cannonball took his head clean off, and then?
AN OLD WIFE And then they buried the trooper in the churchyard by the old Dutch church. All of him but the head. The head they never found.
DALE Did they look?
AN OLD WIFE And every night since, he rides out to the battlefield in search of it. But he must be back in the churchyard before daybreak. So he's always late, and he comes down the Hollow like a midnight blast.
ICHABOD (whispering) The Galloping Hessian.
AN OLD WIFE The Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow.
A WOMAN Turn the apples, they're spitting.
DALE Nobody's asked about the hat.
AN OLD WIFE What hat?
DALE Exactly. A cannonball takes a man's head, it takes his hat with it. You've told that whole story and nobody's mentioned the hat once.
ICHABOD The man is a spectre, sir. Cotton Mather's History of New England Witchcraft is very clear on spectres.
DALE I don't need a book. I need common sense. Nobody rides around all night for a head. You can't do anything with a head. But a soldier without his hat, out in the weather? I'd ride around too.
A WOMAN He's not wrong about the weather.
AN OLD WIFE He's wrong about everything else.
DALE Here's my plan. Somebody hands that man a decent hat, he goes home and goes to bed like everybody else in this valley. And a man with a horse that fast has money. He'll want to say thank you.
ICHABOD Mistress, pay him no mind. If a trooper without a head frightens you, consider this instead. The world turns round. Entirely. Half of every day, we are all of us hanging upside down.
AN OLD WIFE (scared) Is that true?
ICHABOD It is in Connecticut.
A WOMAN Then I'm glad I never went.
Scene: mountain night.
Sound: whippoorwill.
ICHABOD (nervous) We'll keep to the middle of the road. Nothing in the middle of the road.
Sound: beetle buzz.
ICHABOD (panicked) I'm struck! A witch's token, it struck me on the cheek!
DALE That's a beetle, sir. A big one. I'll keep him, if you're not using him.
ICHABOD (out of breath) Keep him. Keep him far from me.
ICHABOD All people that on earth do dwell, sing to the Lord with cheerful voice!
DALE Sir, sing quieter. I'm listening for hooves. If he comes by tonight, I want to see his neck. For the size.
ICHABOD Him serve with fear, his praise forth tell!
Scene: farm door night.
A WOMAN There goes the schoolmaster, singing his way home again.
AN OLD WIFE He's sweet on the Van Tassel girl, you know. He's up there every week with his psalm book.
A WOMAN Everybody's sweet on the Van Tassel girl. Brom Bones is sweet on the Van Tassel girl.
AN OLD WIFE Then Lord help the schoolmaster.
A WOMAN Lord help the Hessian, if he has to listen to that singing.
Scene: farmyard.
Sound: goose honk.
DAME VAN TASSEL Katrina, the geese are in the garden again.
KATRINA Then the geese can come out of the garden again.
DAME VAN TASSEL Ducks and geese are foolish things, and must be looked after. Girls can take care of themselves.
BALTUS Leave her be, Mother. She's watching the road.
KATRINA I'm watching the weathercock, Papa. Same as you.
BALTUS My little wooden soldier. He fights the wind all day and never wins and never quits. I could watch him till supper.
KATRINA You do, every day.
BALTUS So. Whose horse are we looking for? Brom's?
KATRINA Brom Bones hasn't come sparking on a Sunday night in three weeks. His horse hasn't been at our paling once. I've counted.
BALTUS Ever since a certain psalm book started coming round.
KATRINA Every time the schoolmaster comes, Brom stays away. And every time Brom stays away, Brom gets angrier.
DAME VAN TASSEL You like that.
KATRINA I like singing.
BALTUS You'll have whoever you want, girl. I only ask that whoever he is, he likes a good table.
DAME VAN TASSEL The schoolmaster likes a good table.
BALTUS The schoolmaster likes my table. That's a different thing.
Scene: autumn road.
ICHABOD (whispering) Dale. Smell that. Every one of those pigs is walking about with a pudding inside him and an apple in his mouth, and he doesn't even know it yet.
DALE Which one's the best?
ICHABOD All of them. And the turkeys trussed up, with their gizzards tucked under their wings. And the ducks, side by side in a dish like a married couple, with onion sauce.
DALE I thought you came to see the girl.
ICHABOD I came to see the girl. One day, sir, I'll sell every acre of this, buy a great tract of wild land, and set out for Kentucky with Katrina on top of a wagon, and the pots and kettles dangling underneath.
DALE Kentucky. What's in Kentucky?
ICHABOD Land. And no Brom Bones in it.
Scene: farmyard.
Sound: door creak.
BALTUS Schoolmaster! Come in, come in. And you've brought somebody.
DALE Assistant schoolmaster. Pending. Sir, I need a pumpkin.
BALTUS Fall to, and help yourself! There's pumpkins enough on this farm to roof the church.
DALE Just one. I'm looking for one about the size of a head.
KATRINA Whose head?
DALE I don't know yet. That's why I need the pumpkin. I'm finding a man a hat, and he can't come in to try it on.
KATRINA (laughing) Papa, you've got to keep this one.
BALTUS Take the round one by the fence. Mister Crane, Katrina's waiting on her psalm.
ICHABOD Of course. Miss Van Tassel. Shall we begin with the hundredth?
KATRINA Let's begin by the spring, under the elm. It's cooler.
DALE I'll stay here with the pumpkin.
Sound: pumpkin thump.
DALE That's heavier than a head. I'll ask around.
Scene: churchyard sunday.
A LASS Read us another one, Mister Crane! Read the sad one about the miller!
ICHABOD Very well. Here lies Pieter Dop, who ground the corn. He's ground his last, and gone to morn.
A LASS Gone to morn! Oh, that's terrible.
A WOMAN That's beautiful.
ICHABOD Ladies, it is the poetry of the stones. Nobody else in this churchyard can read it to you with the proper feeling. Shall I get you some of those grapes off the wild vine?
A LASS The high ones!
ICHABOD The highest.
A MAN Reading tombstones to girls. I can read.
A WOMAN You can't.
A MAN I could learn. If it got you grapes.
Scene: churchyard quiet.
DALE Excuse me. Are you in charge of the graves?
THE SEXTON I'm the sexton. I dig them and I keep them. Which one are you after?
DALE The Hessian.
THE SEXTON The Hessian's in the far corner, under the locust tree. Nobody's put flowers on him since the war.
DALE I don't have flowers. I've got a note.
THE SEXTON A note.
THE SEXTON I don't have my letters. What's it say?
DALE Dear Sir. I believe I have something you want. Please come by the schoolhouse at your convenience. It's not your head. Sincerely, Dale Tummins, assistant schoolmaster.
THE SEXTON Why tell him it's not his head?
DALE I don't want to get his hopes up.
THE SEXTON They say he ties his horse up in here at night. Among the stones.
DALE Then he'll find it. I'm putting a rock on it so it doesn't blow away.
THE SEXTON In all my years I've had people leave flowers, and bread, and one time a fiddle. I've never had anybody leave the Hessian a letter.
Sound: church bell.
THE SEXTON That's the second service. In you go.
DALE Can I stay out here? I've got a feeling about him.
THE SEXTON You've got a feeling about a headless soldier.
DALE Somebody should.
Scene: pub.
Sound: door bang.
DIRK Brom! Where've you been?
BROM Riding past Van Tassel's. Twice. Slow.
JAN Was your horse at her paling?
BROM My horse was under me, Jan, the whole time. That's what slow past means.
DIRK It's the schoolmaster. Every week he's up there with his psalm book, and every week she sings a little longer.
BROM I'll fight him. Fair. Out in the road, the old way. Two men and a lady's hand.
DIRK He won't fight.
BROM Then I'll double the schoolmaster up and lay him on a shelf of his own schoolhouse.
JAN He'd never fit on a shelf. He's too long.
BROM Then two shelves.
DIRK He's too careful for that, Brom. He heard you say it. He won't stand anywhere near you.
BROM So what do I do, Dirk, with a man who won't fight?
DIRK Make him wish he had.
JAN He holds his singing school Thursday nights. We could stop up his chimney.
BROM Smoke out the psalms.
DIRK And the night after, we get in through his famous lock and turn the whole schoolhouse upside down. He'll think every witch in the county held a meeting on his desk.
JAN And I've got a dog.
BROM Everybody's got a dog, Jan.
JAN Mine whines. Long, like a man singing through his nose.
(A pause.)
BROM (laughing) Jan. Bring the dog Thursday.
DIRK What about the other one?
BROM What other one?
DIRK The one that follows him around. Nobody hired him. He just turned up Monday and sat at the desk.
JAN He asked my uncle if the schoolmaster pays in apples.
DIRK He doesn't want paying. He wants something. I can't work out what.
JAN He asked my mother what size hat a ghost wears.
BROM What did she say?
JAN She said seven. He wrote it down.
Sound: door creak.
DALE Is one of you Brom Bones?
Sound: pub hush.
BROM Who's asking?
DALE Dale Tummins, assistant schoolmaster. Everybody says you've got the best hat in the county. The fur one, with the tail.
BROM It's a fox's tail. It's mine.
DALE I'd like to buy it. Not for me. For the Horseman.
(A pause.)
BROM The Hessian.
DALE I don't think he's looking for his head at all. I think he wants a hat. You'd want one too, riding around in October with nothing on top.
DIRK There's nothing on top because there's nothing on top.
DALE That's what a hat's for, covering that up.
BROM (laughing) Friend, you can't have my cap. But I like your thinking. You'll want to know where to wait for him.
DALE I would.
BROM The bridge by the old Dutch church. That's where he quits. Once you're over that bridge, he can't follow.
DALE Then that's where I'll be. With a hat.
BROM You do that. And tell the schoolmaster I said so.
Scene: schoolhouse empty.
ICHABOD Again, from the top of the hundredth psalm. Ladies on the melody. Mister Tummins, you will not sing.
DALE I'm the assistant.
ICHABOD You are the assistant to the hay.
DALE I've been practicing on the hay.
KATRINA Let him sing, Mister Crane. One verse.
ICHABOD Miss Van Tassel, you've never heard him.
KATRINA That's why.
ICHABOD (sighing) One verse. Softly. From the back.
DALE (proud) Make a joyful noise.
(A pause.)
ICHABOD That was a noise. I grant you it was a noise.
KATRINA (laughing) Brom used to sing bass with us, before. He was worse.
ICHABOD I'm sure I wouldn't know. Breathe in, everyone.
Sound: psalm group.
KATRINA (whispering) Mister Crane, the stove.
ICHABOD Breathe from the stomach, Miss Van Tassel.
KATRINA The stove, Mister Crane. It's breathing back.
Sound: chimney smoke.
A WOMAN The chimney's stopped!
ICHABOD (panicked) The door! Everybody to the door! Ladies first, and gentlemen with any sense!
Scene: mountain night.
KATRINA Every Thursday, something.
DALE Witches?
ICHABOD It is a matter of record that witches favor chimneys.
KATRINA It is a matter of record that Brom Bones favors chimneys.
Sound: horse arrive.
BROM Evening, Katrina. Smells like the singing went well.
KATRINA Brom. You missed it.
BROM I'd never miss it. I've brought you a better teacher. One that's not afraid of a little smoke.
JAN Go on, boy. Give her the hundredth.
Sound: dog howl.
(A pause.)
Sound: room laugh.
BROM He's got a lovely nose for psalms. Better nose than some.
KATRINA (laughing) Brom, stop it.
ICHABOD Miss Van Tassel, I'll walk you home.
BROM She came with her father's wagon, schoolmaster. And it's going now.
KATRINA Goodnight, Mister Crane. Thank you for the lesson.
Sound: wagons away.
(A pause.)
DALE If the dog's getting paid, I want to know.
Scene: schoolhouse empty.
Sound: door creak.
Sound: debris tumble.
ICHABOD (sighing) Who would do this to a man's schoolhouse? I keep a decent room. Every witch in the country must have held their meeting here last night.
DALE Where's your stool?
ICHABOD That is the one question I was trying not to ask.
DALE Witches would've taken it home with them. Somebody wanted you to find it.
Sound: stool clatter.
A BOY It was on the roof, sir.
DALE Okay. Witches.
ICHABOD Thank you.
Scene: schoolhouse.
Sound: horse arrive.
A MESSENGER Hallo the schoolhouse! Hallo the master!
ICHABOD We are at our lessons, young man.
A MESSENGER Then I regret the interruption, sir, but I come upon an embassy. Mynheer Van Tassel requests the company of the schoolmaster this evening, at a merry-making, or quilting frolic, at his house. There will be cakes!
ICHABOD Cakes.
A MESSENGER Of every family, sir. Good day!
Sound: gallop away.
(A pause.)
ICHABOD Children. Your lessons are complete.
A BOY We haven't started them.
ICHABOD Then they are complete with distinction. School is dismissed.
Sound: kids rush.
Scene: schoolhouse empty.
DALE Was I invited?
ICHABOD You were not mentioned.
DALE That means I'm included. When they don't want you, they mention you.
ICHABOD Higher. Hold the glass higher. I can only see my chin.
DALE You're going to see some chin whatever we do. It's that kind of glass.
ICHABOD This is my best suit, and also my only suit, and tonight it must look like more than one. Is there lint?
DALE You're mostly lint. It's holding you together. I'd leave it.
Scene: farmyard.
Sound: horse snort.
HANS There. Gunpowder. You'll not find a better horse in the county.
ICHABOD He has one eye, Mister Van Ripper.
HANS And he'll use the other one on you. He had fire in him once, that horse. He was a furious horse. There's more of the devil in him yet than any young filly in the county.
ICHABOD I'd only hoped for a quiet horse.
HANS You'll not get one. And that's my Sunday saddle on him. You bring it back with a scratch on it and I'll have your ears for stirrups.
ICHABOD I'll guard it with my life.
HANS Guard it better than that.
DALE Mister Van Ripper, I'd like the hat off your scarecrow.
HANS My scarecrow's hat?
DALE He doesn't have a head either. I don't think he'll miss it.
HANS Take it. The crows sit on it anyhow. What's it for?
DALE The Headless Horseman.
HANS And what does the Hessian give you for it?
DALE I didn't say anything about a reward.
HANS You were going to.
DALE I was going to.
Sound: horse plod.
ICHABOD Walk on. Walk on, Gunpowder. Walk on, please.
DALE Mister Crane, you sit up there like a man folding a chair.
ICHABOD The stirrups are short, and I am long, and that is all there is to say about it. Are you walking the whole way?
DALE Me, the pumpkin and the hat. We're a team.
Scene: kitchen busy.
DAME VAN TASSEL Doughnuts, crullers, honey cakes, ginger cakes. Katrina, the pies!
KATRINA The pies are done, Mother. Every pie in the county is done.
DAME VAN TASSEL Your father's asked half the valley.
KATRINA And the schoolmaster.
DAME VAN TASSEL Your father asked the schoolmaster. Did you ask Brom?
KATRINA I didn't have to ask Brom. Brom comes wherever there's a fiddle and a fight.
DAME VAN TASSEL There'll be no fight in my house.
KATRINA Then there'll just be the fiddle. And I'll dance with whoever asks me first.
DAME VAN TASSEL And who's going to ask you first?
KATRINA Whoever's standing closest when Brom's looking.
DAME VAN TASSEL Katrina Van Tassel.
KATRINA Ducks and geese are foolish things and must be looked after, Mother. Girls can take care of themselves. You said so.
DAME VAN TASSEL (sighing) I did say so.
Scene: autumn road.
Sound: riders whoop.
AN OLD WIFE Ay, there goes Brom Bones and his gang!
Sound: horse plod.
ICHABOD Every apple on this road's a pie by Christmas, Dale, and I mean to meet them all. And the buckwheat. That's slapjacks, sir. Slapjacks well buttered, with honey, from the delicate little dimpled hand of Katrina Van Tassel.
DALE She's going to make you slapjacks?
ICHABOD Not yet. Not in so many words. But I live in hope, and I eat in anticipation.
Sound: crows caw.
A MAN Evening, schoolmaster! You'll be going to Van Tassel's.
ICHABOD I am expected.
A MAN Is that Van Ripper's Gunpowder? I thought that horse was dead.
ICHABOD He is merely resting between steps.
A MAN And who's that with the pumpkin?
DALE Assistant schoolmaster.
A MAN What's the hat for?
DALE It's not for the pumpkin.
A MAN Fair enough.
ICHABOD When all this is mine, Dale, I'll turn my back on that schoolhouse. I'll snap my fingers in the face of Hans Van Ripper. And any wandering schoolmaster who dares to call me comrade, I'll kick out of doors.
DALE Not me, though.
ICHABOD You're not a schoolmaster.
DALE Assistant.
ICHABOD Assistant to the hay. You may stay.
DALE What if she says no?
ICHABOD She won't.
DALE But if she does.
ICHABOD Then there's always Kentucky.
DALE I thought Kentucky was the plan for if she said yes.
ICHABOD Kentucky is a large place, Dale. It's both plans.
Scene: party hall.
BALTUS Schoolmaster! Fall to, and help yourselves! Fall to!
ICHABOD (whispering) The doughty doughnut. The tender oly koek. The crisp and crumbling cruller. Sweet cakes and short cakes, ginger cakes and honey cakes. Dale, it's the whole family of cakes.
DALE Where do I start?
ICHABOD Wherever you like. Just don't stop.
DAME VAN TASSEL Apple pie, peach pie or pumpkin pie, Mister Crane?
ICHABOD Yes.
DAME VAN TASSEL Which one?
ICHABOD In that order.
A WOMAN Mind the pie. That's the good pie.
DALE Ma'am, what size hat do you think a soldier wears? A big one, from Germany.
A WOMAN Seven and a quarter. My husband was in the war.
DALE Was he German?
A WOMAN He was from Tarrytown.
DALE Somebody else told me seven. I'll split the difference.
BALTUS (laughing) Eat! You're thin as the schoolmaster.
DALE Mister Van Tassel, do you need anybody for your hay? I've got experience.
BALTUS How much experience?
DALE Since Monday.
BALTUS (laughing) Fall to! We'll talk after pie. We'll talk after all the pie.
Sound: pub hush.
A MAN Look sharp. Here's Brom.
Sound: horse rear.
BROM Whoa, Daredevil. Whoa! Somebody take him that isn't afraid of dying.
DIRK Nobody can hold that horse but you, Brom.
BROM That's why I ride him.
Music: fiddle reel.
BALTUS The fiddler's started! Up! Everybody up!
ICHABOD Miss Van Tassel. Would you do me the honor?
KATRINA I'd be honored, Mister Crane. Try not to kick the fiddler.
Sound: dance clatter.
A MAN Stand back. Stand back from the schoolmaster.
A WOMAN It's like a scarecrow in a high wind!
THE SEXTON Saint Vitus himself!
KATRINA (laughing) Mister Crane, you're everywhere at once!
ICHABOD (out of breath) A schoolmaster, Miss Van Tassel, does nothing by halves!
DALE Miss, would you like to dance?
A LASS I'm waiting for the schoolmaster.
DALE He's booked. He's going to be booked all night. And you don't want to be near those elbows.
A LASS Then I'll wait for the next song.
DALE That's fair. I'll be by the pie.
Scene: party outside.
DIRK Say the word, Brom.
BROM Not here. Not in Baltus's house. Baltus feeds me.
JAN She's smiling at him.
BROM She's smiling at all of it, Jan. She smiles at the pigs.
DIRK It's a long ride home tonight. For him.
BROM It is.
JAN The hat man's left his pumpkin by the cider barrel.
BROM Has he now.
JAN And the hat on top of it.
BROM Leave the hat. Just mind where the pumpkin goes.
(A pause.)
BROM (laughing) Just mind where it goes.
Scene: piazza night.
DOFFUE Six shots I put into that British frigate. Six! From a mud wall, with an old iron nine-pounder. And on the sixth the gun burst, or she'd be mine today.
BALTUS She'd be at the bottom of the river today, Doffue.
DOFFUE Then the river would be mine. You'll not tell me otherwise, Baltus, not you. Not after White Plains.
BALTUS We'll not speak of White Plains.
DOFFUE Certain gentlemen, too rich to be mentioned by name, claim that at White Plains they parried a musket ball with a small sword.
BALTUS I felt it whiz round the blade and glance off at the hilt. Mother! Bring the sword.
Sound: sword ring.
BALTUS There. Feel that hilt. Bent. You don't bend a hilt like that on a cabbage.
AN OLD FARMER Swords and frigates. That's not why the schoolmaster's sitting out here in the cold. Is it, Mister Crane?
ICHABOD (nervous) I came for the air.
AN OLD FARMER Then here's some air for you. You know the great tulip tree on the road? Major Andre's tree, where they took the poor major. There are cries heard round that tree on still nights. And something white hangs in it, some say.
AN OLD WIFE And the woman in white, up in the glen at Raven Rock. She perished in the snow, and she shrieks there of a winter night before a storm.
AN OLD FARMER But the one we all come back to is the Horseman. He's been heard of late, patrolling the country. They say he tethers his horse nightly among the graves in the churchyard.
DALE Does he tie it to anything in particular? I'd like to leave something on it.
AN OLD FARMER Old Brouwer didn't believe in him either. Not a word. And one night old Brouwer met the Horseman coming back from his foray into the Hollow, and was obliged to get up behind him.
ICHABOD Obliged by whom?
AN OLD FARMER By the Horseman. And away they galloped, over bush and brake, over hill and swamp, until they reached the bridge by the church. And there the Horseman turned into a skeleton, threw old Brouwer into the brook, and sprang away over the treetops with a clap of thunder.
Sound: thunder crack.
AN OLD WIFE (scared) Thunder. On a clear night.
BROM An arrant jockey, that Hessian.
AN OLD FARMER Brom.
BROM I met him myself, coming back from Sing Sing one night. Overtook me on the road. I offered to race him for a bowl of punch.
JAN Tell about the punch.
BROM I'd have won it, too. Daredevil beat his goblin horse all hollow. But just as we came to the church bridge, the Hessian bolted, and vanished in a flash of fire.
DIRK In a flash of fire.
ICHABOD (whispering) In Connecticut, there was a man in Wethersfield who was followed home three nights running by a horse with no rider. And on the fourth night, the horse was waiting in his bed.
AN OLD WIFE Mercy.
ICHABOD In his bed, mistress.
DALE What size was the man? Not Brouwer. The Horseman. Before the skeleton part.
AN OLD FARMER Big. Gigantic. Muffled in a cloak.
DALE That's what I figured. Nobody ever says a ghost is medium.
BROM You've still got your hat for him, friend?
DALE By the cider, on my pumpkin.
BROM Then he'll be glad you came.
Scene: mountain night.
A WOMAN Goodnight, Baltus! Lovely frolic!
A MAN Hup, there. Get up.
Sound: wagons away.
(A pause.)
Scene: parlor night.
ICHABOD Miss Van Tassel. Katrina. I've written some verses. They're in honor of. Well, they're in your honor. I've tried them several ways.
KATRINA Mister Crane, it's very late.
ICHABOD I'd hoped, after tonight, after the dancing.
KATRINA You danced beautifully.
ICHABOD Then I may hope?
KATRINA Goodnight, Mister Crane. Mind the road home.
(A pause.)
ICHABOD Goodnight.
Sound: door creak.
(A pause.)
DAME VAN TASSEL Well?
KATRINA Well what, Mother?
BALTUS That poor man went out of here like he'd been robbing a henroost, not courting a lady.
KATRINA Did he, Papa? I hadn't noticed.
DAME VAN TASSEL And Brom Bones went out ten minutes before him, and didn't say goodnight.
KATRINA Didn't he? I hadn't noticed that either.
BALTUS Katrina.
KATRINA Papa, I've had a lovely evening, and I've danced with everybody. Is that so wicked?
BALTUS Not wicked. Just busy.
Scene: stable night.
Sound: horse snort.
ICHABOD (angry) Up. Get up! Up, you old bag of oats!
Sound: horse snort.
DALE Sir, he was asleep. He was dreaming about oats. You could see it in his ears.
ICHABOD I don't care what he was dreaming about.
DALE How did it go with Katrina?
ICHABOD Don't speak to me about Katrina.
DALE I'll take that as not great. Have you seen my pumpkin?
ICHABOD Your pumpkin.
DALE I left it by the cider with the hat on top. The hat's still there. The pumpkin isn't. Somebody stole a head off a party.
ICHABOD I don't care about your pumpkin!
DALE You don't have to shout. I'll use my hand. Most heads are about a hand and a half.
ICHABOD Where are you going?
DALE The church bridge. I'm going on ahead. If he comes, he'll come there, and I'll be waiting with his hat.
ICHABOD (scared) You're going to wait for the Hessian. On purpose.
DALE Somebody has to. You don't leave a man's hat lying around. Ride safe, Mister Crane.
Sound: footsteps away.
ICHABOD Dale? Dale.
(A pause.)
ICHABOD (whispering) Come on, Gunpowder. Just you and me.
Scene: dark road.
Sound: horse plod.
ICHABOD Mind the hour, Gunpowder. The very witching time of night. Not that I believe a word of it. Not a word.
Sound: dog far.
ICHABOD Bark again, dog. Bark all night, there's a good dog.
(A pause.)
ICHABOD Don't look up, Gunpowder. Nothing hangs in that tree. Nothing has ever hung in that tree. We'll whistle past it, the two of us, like men.
Sound: whistle nervous.
Sound: wind branches.
ICHABOD (scared) It whistled back.
ICHABOD It did not. Nothing white up there. Bare wood, that's all, where the lightning took the bark.
Sound: branch groan.
ICHABOD (panicked) Who groans? Who's there?
(A pause.)
ICHABOD Branches. We're past it. We're past it.
Scene: swamp night.
ICHABOD Over the logs, and we're nearly home. Briskly now. Briskly!
Sound: horse balk.
ICHABOD (angry) Not the fence! Not the brambles! The logs, you perverse old animal, the logs!
Sound: horse snort.
(A pause.)
Sound: splash step.
(A pause.)
ICHABOD (whispering) Who are you?
(A pause.)
ICHABOD Who are you?
(A pause.)
ICHABOD All people that on earth do dwell, sing to the Lord with cheerful voice.
Sound: horse plod.
ICHABOD Good evening, sir. A fine night for it. After you, sir. Please. Go on ahead.
(A pause.)
ICHABOD Trot, Gunpowder. Trot. Leave the gentleman behind.
Sound: gallop two.
ICHABOD Walk, then. Walk. Let him by.
Sound: horse plod.
(A pause.)
ICHABOD Sir? I said after you.
(A pause.)
ICHABOD (scared) Gunpowder. His shoulders. There's nothing on his shoulders.
ICHABOD It's on the saddle. He's carrying it on the saddle in front of him!
Music: ride chase.
Sound: gallop two.
ICHABOD (shouting) Go! Go, Gunpowder, go!
ICHABOD Not left! Not the hollow road!
Sound: saddle fall.
ICHABOD The saddle! Hans's Sunday saddle!
ICHABOD Leave it. Hold the neck. If I can but reach that bridge, I am safe.
Scene: church bridge.
DALE Okay, hat. Big night. He's had a long ride, and he might be a little cranky. Let him come to you.
DALE I wish I had the pumpkin. I'm worried about the fit.
Sound: gallop two.
DALE Here we go.
Sound: bridge thunder.
ICHABOD (shouting) Dale! Run!
Sound: pumpkin smash.
Sound: body thud.
Sound: gallop away.
(A pause.)
Sound: horse rear.
(A pause.)
DALE Hey. That was my pumpkin.
(A pause.)
DALE Anyway. Sir. Here. I think you've been looking for this. Seven and an eighth. I split the difference.
(A pause.)
Sound: hat snatch.
Sound: horse snort.
DALE You're welcome. Ride safe.
Sound: gallop away.
(A pause.)
DALE Mister Crane? He took it. I told you it was a hat problem.
(A pause.)
DALE Mister Crane?
(A pause.)
DALE Huh. He's fast for a tall man.
Music: sting spooky.
Scene: farmyard.
Sound: horse snort.
HANS Gunpowder. Where's your saddle?
(A pause.)
HANS Where's my Sunday saddle? Where's the schoolmaster?
Scene: schoolhouse empty.
A GIRL He's not coming, is he?
A BOY He's never late. He's never once been late.
A GIRL The birch is still on its nails.
A BOY Don't touch it. He'll know.
Scene: mountain day.
A MAN Hans! Here! Your saddle, in the road. Trampled flat.
HANS (angry) My Sunday saddle!
A WOMAN Hoof marks all the way to the bridge. Deep ones. Somebody was riding hard.
A MAN Over here, by the deep part of the brook. His hat.
Sound: crowd gasp.
A WOMAN And a pumpkin. All smashed to pieces beside it.
DALE That's my pumpkin.
HANS Your pumpkin?
DALE I'd know it anywhere. It was round.
A MAN Search the brook!
Sound: wading.
Scene: cottage.
HANS The effects of the schoolmaster. Two shirts and a half. Two stocks for the neck. A pair or two of worsted stockings. One pair of corduroy small-clothes. A rusty razor. A book of psalm tunes, full of dog-ears. And a broken pitch pipe.
DALE That's everything?
HANS And these. Cotton Mather's History of Witchcraft. A New England Almanac. A book of dreams and fortune-telling.
HANS And in it, a sheet of paper, blotted all over. Verses. To the heiress of Van Tassel. He's tried them several ways.
Sound: fire whoosh.
HANS There. No more school for my children. I never knew any good come of this same reading and writing.
DALE I'd like the pitch pipe.
HANS It's broken.
DALE So's the schoolmaster, probably. I'd like something to remember him by.
Scene: churchyard sunday.
Sound: church bell.
A WOMAN Carried off. That's what I say. Carried off by the Galloping Hessian.
AN OLD WIFE Same as old Brouwer, only Brouwer came back.
A MAN The Hessian took him at the bridge.
A WOMAN His hat by the brook, and a pumpkin smashed to pieces beside it.
AN OLD WIFE And he was a bachelor, and in nobody's debt, so there's nothing more to be done.
DALE Excuse me. Since the school needs a master now, I'd like to put my name in. Assistant schoolmaster. I've done the hay.
A MAN We've got a new man coming Tuesday. From Peekskill.
DALE Nobody hired me. That's twice now.
BROM (laughing) A pumpkin! Smashed to pieces, she says!
KATRINA Brom. People are grieving.
BROM I know. I'm grieving. I'm grieving terribly. A pumpkin!
(A pause.)
Sound: wedding bells.
A WOMAN Doesn't she look lovely.
A MAN Doesn't he look pleased with himself.
Scene: cottage.
Sound: spinning wheel.
AN OLD FARMER Six years since that night, and I've been down to New York, and you'll never guess who I saw. Ichabod Crane. Alive.
AN OLD WIFE That can't be.
AN OLD FARMER Alive, and studying the law. He kept school and studied law both, and got admitted to the bar, and turned politician, and wrote for the newspapers. And now they've made him a justice of the Ten Pound Court.
AN OLD WIFE He was spirited away. Everybody knows he was spirited away.
AN OLD FARMER He was in a very good coat.
AN OLD WIFE Spirits can have a good coat.
DALE Did you see the Horseman on your way back?
AN OLD FARMER I didn't. But they say he's been seen. Same road. Same bridge. Same hurry.
AN OLD WIFE And they say since that night, he rides with a hat on.
DALE Seven and an eighth.
AN OLD FARMER Well. He that runs races with goblin troopers is likely to have rough riding of it. That's all the moral I can find in it.
DALE So you believe it.
AN OLD FARMER Faith, sir, as to that matter, I don't believe one-half of it myself.
DALE Which half?
Music: end credits hollow.