A Full-Cast Audio Drama
The script of a full-cast audio drama adapted from our fan novel Dungeon Crawler Dale, set during floors one and two of Matt Dinniman's Dungeon Crawler Carl. There is no narrator. Scene, sound and music cues are as performed. Free, non-commercial fan fiction. Dungeon Crawler Carl, Carl and Princess Donut belong to Matt Dinniman.
Scene: hotel room night.
DALE Phil. Does this hotel have a laundry room?
PHIL (sleepy) I don't know, Dale. It's one in the morning.
DALE Because if it's got dryers, I'm not going near them. I want that on the record.
PHIL Is this about Hollis?
DALE He's leaving notes in the dryers at the Sudsy Duck now. You put your towels in, and forty minutes later out comes a warm note. Four thousand dollars and half a coconut, Dale.
PHIL So you stopped drying things.
DALE I wear them damp. In the summer it's refreshing. I just want you to say we're safe here. Say it and I'll go to sleep.
PHIL We're safe here, Dale.
DALE Thank you. And thank you for paying. That's my favorite way to travel.
(A pause.)
DALE The four thousand I understand. The jet ski's at the bottom of Lake Wendle. Lakes are deeper than they look.
PHIL I know.
DALE I tell everybody. Most of them back away, so you know it's sinking in.
PHIL Seattle's got water on almost every side, Dale. And a lot of lakes.
DALE I'll keep an eye on them. From the bed.
PHIL And the coconut?
DALE I paid him with it, and then I needed it back.
(A pause.)
PHIL The convention center's got a watercraft expo this week. We could go look at the jet skis.
DALE I've seen a jet ski, Phil. I've seen the inside of one.
(A pause.)
PHIL My first workshop's at eight. Engaging the Reluctant Learner. You could come.
DALE I'm consulting.
PHIL On what?
DALE On whether I'm reluctant. I'll let you know.
Sound: pencil scratch.
DALE Don't write that down.
Sound: snore.
DALE Breakfast runs six to ten, Phil. If I go down at six, that's four muffins. If I go down now, it's all of them.
Sound: snore.
DALE I'm taking the ice bucket. A bag can tear and a pocket gets crumbs. And if anybody stops you, you're just a man who wanted ice.
DALE If I'm not back, tell Doreen thanks for the soaps. Eight soaps, Phil. You don't bring a man eight soaps unless you feel something.
Sound: snore.
Scene: hotel lobby night.
DALE (whispering) Breakfast begins at six. That's more of a guideline.
Sound: wrapper.
Sound: muffins in bucket.
DALE (whispering) Blueberry. Bran. Lemon poppy seed. And a dinner roll. A roll in a muffin bucket isn't a mistake. It's variety.
Sound: service bell.
HOLLIS Sorry it's late. I've got a reservation. Brandt. Hollis Brandt.
THE CLERK Welcome, Mr. Brandt. In town for the watercraft expo?
HOLLIS Every year. I like to see what floats.
Sound: muffins in bucket.
THE CLERK Can I help you, sir? Sir. Behind the plant.
DALE Ice.
(A pause.)
HOLLIS Dale.
DALE Wrong guy.
HOLLIS Is that a dinner roll?
DALE I've never seen this roll before in my life.
HOLLIS Your lanyard says Phil Brumley's guest.
DALE That's not a name, Hollis. That's a job.
HOLLIS Four thousand dollars.
Sound: crate drop.
Sound: door slam.
(A pause.)
THE CLERK Should I call someone, Mr. Brandt?
HOLLIS No. Hold the room.
THE CLERK He took the whole breakfast. That was for a hundred and forty guests.
HOLLIS Put it on his account.
THE CLERK He doesn't have an account with us.
HOLLIS He's got one with me.
Sound: door slam.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: snowy street night.
Sound: slush splash.
DALE (out of breath) No. Not the slipper. Keep going, Dale. You never go back for a slipper.
HOLLIS (shouting) Dale! Four thousand dollars!
DALE I can't hear you, Hollis! I'm running!
Sound: car alarm.
DALE Sorry, car! That was the belt!
Sound: dog bark window.
A MAN (shouting) Biscuit! Biscuit, quiet!
DALE It's not his night either, sir!
Sound: bush crash.
DALE Sorry, landscaping! I'm mostly on top of you, so I'll go.
Sound: dumpster lid.
(A pause.)
HOLLIS (shouting) I can wait, Dale. I'm at the expo till Sunday.
(A pause.)
DALE (whispering) Okay. Okay, bucket. We're fine. We lost two muffins and a slipper, and we gained a twig. So overall we're down.
DALE And you. You're the lucky one. You've still got your slipper. The other one's in a puddle, and it knows it.
Sound: footsteps snow.
DALE (whispering) Stay back. I'm armed. A man has a right to defend his muffins.
Sound: sneeze.
Sound: sneeze.
DALE Phil?
PHIL (whispering) I saw you from the window. You were being chased by a duffel bag. I brought you a slipper.
DALE Whose is it?
PHIL Mine. From my side of the room.
DALE Phil, I can't wear another man's slipper. I've got a policy.
PHIL Since when?
DALE Since I saw your feet at the community pool.
(A pause.)
PHIL I understand.
DALE A man only really needs one of anything, as long as somebody else has the other.
CARL Princess. Come here, Princess. Please.
Sound: cat meow haughty.
DALE (whispering) Get down. Somebody's out.
CARL It's snowing. I'm not wearing pants. Princess, please.
Sound: cat meow haughty.
DALE Some men, Phil. In public. In a major city.
PHIL He might be in trouble. We should help him.
DALE We've got our own trouble. We're hiding from a man.
PHIL He's hiding too, sort of. From a cat.
DALE That's different. That's a cat.
CARL Not under the car. Princess, not under the car.
DALE A cat like that has papers. If I found a cat like that, there'd be a reward. Or at least a big meal from somebody grateful.
PHIL Dale.
DALE I'd give her back. After the meal.
PHIL Should I give him my coat? For his legs?
DALE Don't encourage him. You'd never catch me going out like that. When I go out at night, I go out in a robe. It covers everything that needs covering, and a few things that don't, just to be safe.
Sound: slush splash.
DALE Oh, that's cold. That's the bare one.
CARL (sighing) Okay. Okay, I'm coming under there.
(A pause.)
PHIL You're shivering, Dale.
DALE It's a clean cold, Phil. I don't mind a clean cold.
(A pause.)
DALE Some people.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: snowy street night.
HOLLIS (shouting) I know you're back there, Dale!
Sound: ai announce.
THE AI Good evening, Earth. This is a notice of change of ownership. Everything with a roof is being cleared. If you happen to be outdoors tonight, congratulations. You're the lucky ones. Please stay where you are.
DALE Phil, is that an ad?
PHIL I don't think so.
Sound: building sink.
(A pause.)
DALE Phil. Doreen was in there.
(A pause.)
Music: tender piano.
Sound: countdown tick.
HOLLIS (shouting) Dale! Dale Tummins!
PHIL (gentle) We need to go down the stairs, Dale.
DALE Why?
PHIL Because of the numbers.
(A pause.)
DALE Okay.
Scene: stairwell descent.
PHIL I've got your elbow. They're slick.
DALE I've only got the one slipper.
PHIL I know. I've got you.
(A pause.)
Scene: dungeon room.
Sound: ai announce.
THE AI Welcome to the World Dungeon, crawlers. Term one. There are eighteen floors, and they go down. Term two. Every floor has a timer. When it runs out, the floor collapses, along with anybody still standing on it.
DALE Is there an elevator?
(A pause.)
DALE Is there a lost and found? I'm missing a slipper.
THE AI Term three. Every floor has stairs to the next one. Find them before the timer ends. I'll repeat that slowly for the gentleman in the robe. Find. The. Stairs.
DALE That's thoughtful. Do the stairs have a railing?
Sound: pencil scratch.
PHIL Eighteen floors, going down. A timer on each. Find the stairs in time. Monsters drop loot. Think about the menu and it appears. Stay calm.
DALE Phil, my menu says I've got a dinner roll. It's not in the bucket. Somebody moved my roll without asking. That's a privacy issue.
THE AI Term six. This is a show. It is broadcast live to an enormous audience, and they have paid a great deal of money to watch you.
(A pause.)
DALE Don't stop writing, Phil. You only stop writing when it's bad.
PHIL I'm writing.
DALE I've been on a show. Exile Isle, Season Thirty-One. You get there, you do your confessionals, you make a friend, and then you take his rice.
DALE Is there a dress code?
THE AI You're wearing it.
DALE Oh, good. A lot of shows make you change.
THE AI Term seven. Have fun. That's not a suggestion.
DALE When do we do the confessionals?
PHIL I don't think there are confessionals, Dale.
DALE Every show has confessionals. You just have to find the room.
Sound: stone drawn.
Scene: guide desk.
ORVA Fenwick! Your two just finished the terms.
FENWICK I heard.
ORVA The robe one asked if there was a dress code.
FENWICK I heard, Orva.
ORVA I drew a firefighter. He found a club before the voice stopped talking. And somebody upstairs drew the man with no pants and the cat. Everybody's watching the cat.
FENWICK Good for the cat.
ORVA Did you cross out soon on your sign again?
FENWICK It's very soon.
ORVA I could take one of yours off your hands. The one with the notebook. He wrote down every term. Nobody writes down every term.
FENWICK No.
ORVA The robe one's going to drag him down, you know. They always do.
FENWICK That one went out in the snow to bring the robe one a slipper. Not a thing in it for him.
(A pause.)
Sound: stamp.
FENWICK Send them in.
Scene: training room.
Sound: wet chair squelch.
DALE Oh. That's fine. That's a wet one. I'm Dale Tummins. Maybe you've seen my work.
FENWICK I don't learn names anymore, crawler. I used to. It didn't help anybody.
PHIL We're ready to learn, sir.
FENWICK Three things. One. Find a safe room. Nothing can hurt you in a safe room. You get a toilet, a shower that works, food.
DALE Do they take reservations?
(A pause.)
DALE I'll put that down as a maybe.
FENWICK Two. Don't fight anything you can't read. You meet a monster, the menu tells you what it is. If the menu doesn't know, or it needs a lot of words to tell you, walk away.
DALE What if it's cute?
FENWICK Especially then.
FENWICK Three. Keep moving toward the stairs. Always. The timer doesn't care how you feel.
PHIL Is that all of them?
FENWICK That's all of them. Everything else is details.
DALE Can you get me an agent?
FENWICK No.
DALE Do you know anybody who could?
FENWICK No.
DALE Think it over. No rush. I'll be around.
FENWICK That's the hope, crawler.
PHIL I've got allergies. Shellfish, wool, bees and most grasses. Is there anything down here I should watch out for?
FENWICK (sighing) Crawler. Everything down here is an allergy.
Sound: pencil scratch.
PHIL Find a safe room. Don't fight what you can't read. Keep moving toward the stairs. Everything down here is an allergy. Underline that. Underline it again.
DALE Fenwick, how do I change my name? The menu's got me as Dale Tummins. That's a name for a man who owes you money. It's not a name for a hero.
THE AI Display names are locked. You keep the name you came in with. Thank you for your interest.
DALE What if I ask nicely?
THE AI Locked.
DALE Then I'll just have to tell people myself. Fenwick, from now on I'd like to be called Dale the Survivor.
(A pause.)
Sound: stamp.
DALE Was that the form? Is it official?
FENWICK Okay, crawler.
DALE That's almost the same thing.
Sound: magic poof.
FENWICK Starting items. Fire poker. Good for fires, and things that aren't fires.
PHIL Oh. Thank you.
DALE What do I get?
FENWICK You've already got it.
DALE The bucket? I brought the bucket. The bucket's from the hotel.
FENWICK The menu says one ice bucket, used. The menu agrees with me.
DALE Phil, I'll trade you.
PHIL I understand.
(A pause.)
DALE You're not going to trade me.
PHIL No.
Sound: stamp.
FENWICK Crawlers. One more thing. The ones who think they're the hero usually aren't even on camera.
Sound: stone drawn.
Scene: guide desk.
ORVA You told them the hero thing.
FENWICK I tell all of them.
ORVA Has it ever worked?
FENWICK Once. Two hundred seasons ago.
ORVA What happened to him?
FENWICK He was never on camera. He lived.
Scene: dungeon tunnel.
DALE (gentle) Don't take it too hard, Phil.
PHIL Take what?
DALE What Fenwick said. You're in the back row of every picture you've ever been in. I always figured you didn't know that about yourself. Somebody had to tell you.
PHIL Thanks, Dale.
DALE And don't be jealous. He talked to you more, but he looked at me longer. In show business, that's what counts.
PHIL Okay, Dale.
DALE That's what a Survivor's for.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: dungeon tunnel.
Sound: goblin titter.
DALE Level one, Phil. Same as me. I think he respects that. Hello there!
Sound: goblin screech.
DALE (panicked) Nope! Nope.
Sound: ice bucket bonk.
Sound: thud.
(A pause.)
Sound: coin single.
PHIL You killed it.
DALE I did. I planned it that way.
PHIL You were running away.
DALE From the front, maybe.
PHIL I'll take the knife.
DALE Fine. I'm keeping the spoon. And from now on I'm holding the bucket out in front, so the next one knows who he's dealing with.
PHIL You hit this one behind you, Dale. While you were running.
DALE Then I'll hold it out in back too.
Sound: achievement chime.
THE AI New achievement! Backed Into It. You defeated your first monster while fleeing from it in the opposite direction. Bold choice. Reward: one Bronze Adventurer Box.
DALE Bold, Phil. Nobody ever called me bold before. Not even a computer.
PHIL I think that was sarcasm.
DALE That's what they always say about bold people.
Sound: ai announce.
THE AI Crawlers, your hourly update. Crawlers remaining: one hundred and nine million, four hundred and thirty thousand, eight hundred and six. Keep it up.
DALE Did you get all that? I only got the end. And six.
PHIL It was a lot more than six, Dale.
DALE Six left, and two of them are us. Two out of six is the top half.
PHIL No, it's not. There are millions of people left.
DALE That's what they want you to think.
Scene: zibb couch.
GRUSK Why is it on the robe man?
ZIBB I sat on the remote.
GRUSK That was an hour ago.
ZIBB I'm still sitting on it.
GRUSK The cat talks now, Zibb. On the other channel. The cat is talking, and you're watching a man hold a bucket.
ZIBB He killed a goblin backwards.
GRUSK On purpose?
ZIBB He says on purpose. He asked the voice if there's a dress code.
GRUSK And?
ZIBB (laughing) It said he's wearing it. He was relieved, Grusk.
GRUSK How many people are watching this?
ZIBB Hardly anybody. It's like having a little secret.
GRUSK It's like having a rash.
ZIBB He said hello to it, Grusk. He said hello there. And then he said nope three times.
GRUSK That's two nopes.
ZIBB The third one was in his eyes. Five more minutes.
Sound: sneeze.
ZIBB Oh, here we go.
Scene: dungeon tunnel.
Sound: sneeze.
PHIL It's the moss. I think I'm allergic to the moss.
DALE I could've told you that before we ever saw any.
Sound: sneeze.
(A pause.)
Sound: rat squeal.
DALE Phil, you woke it up.
PHIL I didn't mean to.
DALE Get in front of me. Behind you is where I do my best work.
Sound: sneeze.
Sound: poker whack.
Sound: sneeze.
Sound: poker whack.
Sound: rat squeal.
Sound: sneeze.
Sound: poker whack.
Sound: thud.
(A pause.)
DALE We did it.
PHIL I did it.
DALE We did it. I was right behind you the whole time.
PHIL It bit my arm.
DALE I got moss in my slipper. Your arm'll heal by morning, the dungeon does that. My slipper's still got moss in it. So mine's lasting.
PHIL My eyes are swollen shut, Dale. I can't see to write.
DALE Give it here. I'll do it.
Sound: pencil scratch.
DALE Group kill.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: safe room.
DALE I've paid money for worse rooms than this, Phil. And I've been asked to leave better ones. Fenwick said nothing can hurt you in here. I'm just testing it.
PHIL Dale, come all the way in.
DALE Okay, okay. You don't have to pull the robe.
Sound: shop bell.
DALE Do you sell slippers?
THE SHOPKEEPER No.
DALE Muffins?
THE SHOPKEEPER No.
DALE Are you hiring?
THE SHOPKEEPER No.
Sound: door slam.
PRINCESS DONUT I've decided I love it. Talking. I'm extremely good at it. Carl, tell them I'm extremely good at it.
CARL She's good at it.
DALE (whispering) Phil. It's them. From the street.
PRINCESS DONUT Oh, thank goodness. Room service. I'll need a pillow. A soft one. Not one that's been on the floor.
DALE Right away.
PHIL (whispering) Dale, you don't work here.
DALE (whispering) A lesser man would say that, Phil. A cat is in need.
DALE (muffled) Quality control.
DALE Your pillow.
(A pause.)
PRINCESS DONUT It'll do.
(A pause.)
PRINCESS DONUT No. This way. Carl, it's better this way.
CARL It's a pillow, Donut.
(A pause.)
CARL Thanks, man.
DALE Anytime. I'm Dale.
Sound: snore.
(A pause.)
DALE (whispering) Phil. I'm in with the cat.
PHIL She thinks you work here.
DALE That's how it starts. First you work for them. Then they can't live without you.
Sound: pencil scratch.
PHIL She thinks he's room service. He fetched it. Carl said thanks, man. Carl doesn't know his name.
DALE Nobody's ever trusted me enough to fall asleep in front of me, Phil. Except you. And a guy on a bus once, and I took his sandwich.
PHIL Don't take anything, Dale.
DALE I'm not taking anything. I'm looking.
(A pause.)
DALE Should I tell them I was on Exile Isle?
PHIL They're asleep, Dale.
DALE I'll tell them in the morning, then. It'll be a nice surprise for everybody.
(A pause.)
Sound: coffee sip.
DALE So Carl and the cat were stuck. A whole day down here, and they didn't know what to do next. And they looked around the room, and they saw me.
PHIL Dale.
DALE And Carl said, Dale, we need your help. And the cat said, we need a pillow, and we need a man who knows pillows.
DALE So I gave them some advice. Mostly pillow advice, some life advice. And Carl said, Dale, you've given us a lot to think about. And they both fell asleep, because I'd put their minds at ease.
PHIL That's not how I remember it.
DALE Well, that's the thing about memory. Everybody's is different. It's a muscle, Phil. I use mine all the time, so mine's big. You write everything down, so yours is small, and the parts that don't fit fall out.
PHIL That isn't how memory works.
DALE How would you know? You'd have to remember.
PHIL I wrote it down. Carl doesn't know your name.
DALE See, that's the problem with writing things down. It doesn't leave any room for growth.
Sound: door slam.
Sound: shower on.
DALE Okay. From the top. So Carl and the cat were stuck.
(A pause.)
DALE You didn't interrupt once. You remember it my way, don't you.
(A pause.)
DALE Thank you, mirror.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: dungeon tunnel.
DALE You know what survives the end of the world, Phil? Cockroaches. And those little packets of crackers.
Sound: splash step.
HOLLIS Dale.
DALE (sighing) And Hollis. Hollis! What a coincidence.
HOLLIS It's not a coincidence. I followed the robe. It's the only white thing down here.
DALE The robe's my look, Hollis. It's not a trail.
DALE You're level four? We came down the same night. I'm level one, and I just got a spoon.
HOLLIS I've been busy.
DALE Where'd you even find a clipboard down here?
HOLLIS Four thousand dollars. Plus half a coconut.
DALE Hollis, there's no money down here. It's the end of the world. Money's over. You can't even buy a muffin.
HOLLIS There's gold. And there's copper.
DALE Fine. Seven coppers. That's every copper I've got, which is very generous for the end of the world.
HOLLIS Dungeon copper's at a hundred to one. That's seven cents.
DALE Who says it's a hundred to one?
HOLLIS I do. I'm the one with the clipboard.
HOLLIS Less nine cents conversion. Less two cents for the parking lot. You're at minus four. New balance, four thousand dollars and four cents, plus half a coconut.
DALE So if I pay you, I owe you more.
HOLLIS That's how it works.
DALE (scared) Hollis! Goblin! Behind you!
HOLLIS Come on, Dale.
Sound: goblin titter.
HOLLIS (angry) Who threw that?
Sound: goblin screech.
DALE Run, Phil. Leave him, he's got a clipboard.
(A pause.)
DALE (out of breath) Honesty really is the best policy, Phil. If you time it right.
Sound: level up.
DALE Level two!
PHIL You stood next to a goblin while I killed it.
DALE A lot of great careers start that way. I've got three points. Read me the stats. A consultant should always have somebody reading to him. It shows you're busy.
PHIL Strength.
DALE The bucket does the hitting. I don't want to step on its toes.
PHIL Dexterity.
DALE I've dodged things my whole life. Hollis, a jury, the dentist. You don't pay for what you've already got.
PHIL Intelligence. That's the important one.
DALE That's exactly what a man with a lot of intelligence would say, to keep the price up.
PHIL Constitution.
DALE That's the robe's stat. And the robe can't spend points.
PHIL Charisma.
DALE All three in charisma.
PHIL Dale, charisma doesn't stop a knife.
DALE It does if the guy holding the knife likes you.
PHIL Goblins don't like anybody.
DALE They haven't met me. Besides, the camera's going to want me, and you can't teach charisma.
Sound: achievement chime.
THE AI New achievement! Charm Offensive. Every point you had, spent on being likable. The monsters will be very polite while they eat you. Reward: none. Good manners are their own reward.
DALE Polite monsters, Phil. Even the dungeon can see it.
PHIL It says they'll eat you.
DALE Politely.
Sound: rat squeal.
DALE Ow. Phil, that rat looked at me a long time before it bit me. They used to just bite. That's progress.
Sound: viewer ping.
DALE Phil. Phil. I've got forty-one.
PHIL Forty-one what?
DALE Fans. Forty-one people in outer space, watching me. That's more than came to my cousin Darryl's wedding. I know, because I worked the door and took everybody's envelopes.
PHIL Mm.
DALE What's yours?
PHIL It doesn't matter.
DALE Not everybody's a draw, Phil. Somebody's got to carry the draw's pack.
Scene: zibb couch.
GRUSK Forty-one. Who are the other forty?
ZIBB Connoisseurs.
GRUSK Carl's got a number so long they had to make the screen wider.
ZIBB Quiet. He's going to address the people.
Scene: dungeon tunnel.
DALE Folks. Dale Tummins. I want to talk to you about bots.
PHIL Dale, who are you talking to?
DALE I'm working, Phil. Folks, a man in the last safe room told my associate here Carl's number. It was so long he had to take a breath in the middle. That's bots. You buy them.
PHIL Who would he buy them from?
DALE From space. My forty-one are real. You can tell, because they're not doing anything.
Scene: zibb couch.
ZIBB We're real, Grusk. We're not doing anything.
GRUSK I'm not even watching.
ZIBB Then why are you still on the couch?
GRUSK You're sitting on the remote.
Scene: dungeon tunnel.
DALE I don't know where you are, folks, so I'm going to wave at all the walls. And the ceiling. For the real fans.
Sound: ceiling drip.
(A pause.)
DALE That's engagement.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: dungeon tunnel.
DALE Folks, a lot of you have been asking about the bucket.
PHIL Nobody's asked about the bucket.
DALE They're shy, Phil. Folks, she's stainless steel. The lid's gone, which makes her lighter to swing. I like to think the lid gave itself up.
DALE Two goblins, plus most of a rat. The rat's in dispute.
PHIL My poker killed the other part of it.
DALE Which part?
(A pause.)
DALE So I count the whole rat. Eleven dents. Seven are goblins, three are walls, and one's Phil.
PHIL You hit me.
DALE You said Dale too quietly in a dark tunnel. He's fine now, folks. Mostly. So's the dent.
Sound: pot lid bonk.
DALE She's a drum, for morale.
PHIL Please stop the morale.
DALE She's a helmet, and a plate, and a pillow. And once, in a long tunnel with no safe room, a toilet. I'm sorry about that, folks. I washed her twice. Then once more in the shower with me, to be thorough.
DALE A man and his weapon should share a name. Carl's got the cat. So from now on, folks, I'll be going by The Bucket.
PHIL The Bucket.
DALE Dale The Bucket Tummins. So you've got the whole thing.
PHIL Like the thing you used as a toilet.
(A pause.)
DALE Folks, we're going to circle back on the name.
DALE Phil, where's the torch? I want my chin toward the torch. Bucket up on the shoulder.
Sound: beetle emerge.
DALE Not that side. That's my bad side!
Sound: thud.
DALE Off the robe. Get off the robe, please.
Sound: pincer snap.
DALE (shouting) That's my slipper! And some of my foot!
(A pause.)
DALE See, it stopped. It's listening.
Sound: axe chop.
(A pause.)
RENATA You okay?
DALE I am now.
(A pause.)
RENATA Is something in your eye?
DALE It's a wink.
RENATA It's a long one.
DALE There's dust in it. But it's a wink. I'm Dale Tummins. You might know me from television.
RENATA I don't.
DALE Exile Isle. Season Thirty-One. I was the one everybody talked about.
RENATA No.
DALE You keep an axe in your car?
RENATA I do now. Renata Ocampo. Paramedic, out of Tacoma. I was off duty when the buildings went.
PHIL Dale! Dale, are you all right?
RENATA You. Arms out. How long have you had those hives?
PHIL Since I crawled through whatever the beetle crawled through. To get to him.
Sound: cork pop.
RENATA Drink.
PHIL Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you.
DALE Folks, give me one second. I want to address what you just saw.
RENATA Is he always like this?
PHIL He's had a long night.
RENATA Shellfish?
PHIL Shellfish, wool, bees and most grasses. And moss, now.
RENATA Keep a couple of the red ones on you at all times. I'll show you which shopkeepers carry them.
PHIL Thank you.
RENATA That's five.
PHIL Sorry.
RENATA Six.
Sound: pencil scratch.
PHIL Renata Ocampo. O, C, A, M, P, O.
DALE So when all this is over, maybe you and I get a drink.
RENATA No.
DALE Maybe not right now.
RENATA Not now, and not later. I'm heading the other way.
DALE That's fine. The tunnels down here curve.
RENATA Not all of them.
Sound: footsteps away.
(A pause.)
DALE She said later, Phil.
PHIL She said not later.
DALE Nobody brings up later unless it's on their mind. And she knew which tunnels don't curve. You don't look up a thing like that unless you're planning to run into somebody.
PHIL Do you want to know how she spells it?
DALE I don't need to write it down. I'll be seeing her again.
DALE Tunnels always curve.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: safe room.
Sound: replay screen.
DALE Sir. Sir, could you lean a little? Your head's got the good half.
A MAN It's my head.
DALE I'm not saying get rid of it. Just lean it.
Sound: big kick.
Sound: replay screen.
VOICES Kick it again!
Sound: big kick.
Sound: crowd cheer.
THE SHOPKEEPER (shouting) Run it back! Run that back!
DALE Phil, he's never cheered for anything. I paid him exact change once and he didn't even look up.
Sound: magic missile.
A WOMAN The cat! Oh, there's the cat.
VOICES Shh!
(A pause.)
DALE I could do that.
PHIL Which part?
DALE The kicking. He's got feet. I've got feet. The only real difference is pants, and he doesn't even have those.
PHIL You've only got one slipper, Dale.
DALE Then I'm one slipper ahead of where he started.
Scene: dungeon tunnel.
DALE Okay, folks. This one's for the highlight reel. The secret's in the hip. Watch the hip.
Sound: toe crunch.
(A pause.)
DALE That's a fluke. Other foot.
Sound: toe crunch.
Sound: rat squeal.
Sound: creature scurry.
DALE (shouting) Hey! Hey, that's the slipper! That's half the brand!
Sound: rat squeal.
DALE Okay. Okay, buddy, let's talk. What do you want for it? I've got lint. Robe lint. It's practically merch.
Sound: ice bucket bonk.
DALE We were negotiating. He knows what he did.
Scene: safe room.
Sound: replay screen.
DALE Toes are fine. Wall's fine. Rat's fine, mostly. Phil, they've run the cat five times tonight. They haven't run the wall once.
PHIL I don't think they're going to run the wall, Dale.
DALE They're saving it.
Scene: zibb couch.
GRUSK They've got the kick on four channels. Four. And you've got this on.
ZIBB Carl kicked a monster. Anybody can kick a monster, Grusk. This man kicked a wall.
GRUSK Twice.
ZIBB Twice. He learned nothing in between. Do you know how hard that is? I learn things by accident all day.
GRUSK Put the kick back on. Just for the kick part.
ZIBB Forty people are watching him. Forty-one with me. You want me to abandon them?
GRUSK Yes.
ZIBB Shh. They're saving it.
GRUSK Saving what?
ZIBB The wall, Grusk. Keep up.
Scene: dungeon tunnel.
Sound: goblin titter.
PHIL (scared) Dale, I can't see. It's their vests. They're wool.
DALE Don't worry, Phil. I'll be your eyes. Left!
Sound: thud.
PHIL That's a wall.
DALE My left.
Sound: goblin shriek.
DALE See? I was right the first time, from where I'm standing.
PHIL Where are you standing?
DALE Behind you. That's where a coach stands. Low!
Sound: goblin shriek.
DALE Behind you!
PHIL Dale, that's you.
DALE The other behind. Duck!
(A pause.)
PHIL What was that?
DALE A spear. It went right over you. I didn't see it, I just wanted you lower so I could see.
Sound: goblin shriek.
(A pause.)
PHIL Is that all of them?
DALE There were five. One got away. Stay sharp.
PHIL You counted one twice when they came in. There were four.
Sound: sneeze.
DALE You can't even see, and you're better at counting than me. That's the teaching background.
Sound: sneeze.
DALE That's normal, Phil. Athletes always crash after a big game.
PHIL I'm allergic to wool, Dale.
DALE And to losing, buddy.
Sound: pencil scratch.
PHIL Goblins wear wool vests. There were four, not five. Dale's left is not my left. Dale's behind is not my behind. In a fight, go by the screaming.
DALE Coaching debut. Undefeated.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: safe room.
DALE I still say we should've opened them in the tunnel. What if there's a sandwich in there, and it's been going bad this whole time?
PHIL The rules say open them somewhere safe.
DALE Then you go first. You've got more boxes. Partly because of me. I was standing near a lot of the things you killed.
Sound: loot box open.
PHIL Oh. A shield.
DALE It's got a dent in it already. That's how you know it works.
Sound: loot box open.
PHIL A map upgrade. Now it'll show me where things are, and not only where I've already been.
DALE I never had a problem with the old map.
Sound: loot box open.
PHIL (gentle) Four healing potions.
DALE Phil, are you crying at medicine?
PHIL A little.
DALE My turn.
Sound: loot box open.
PHIL That's a sock, Dale.
DALE It fits either foot. So really it's two uses. That's more than most of what I own.
Sound: loot box open.
DALE A coupon. Ten percent off at a safe room shop on this floor. Check your new map.
PHIL It's not on here.
DALE Might be on the old map.
PHIL The old map didn't have anything on it.
DALE Then it's probably on there. I'm keeping this somewhere safe.
Sound: loot box open.
(A pause.)
DALE Jar.
PHIL What?
DALE That's what the label says. Jar. No games, no tricks. Just a jar, being honest about itself. I've owned a lot of things that turned out to be something else, Phil.
Sound: achievement chime.
THE AI New achievement! Fair Share. Your friend got armor, a map and medicine. You got a jar. We feel this is balanced. Reward: the jar, again.
DALE Balanced. Phil, the dungeon called me balanced. Some days I don't even feel balanced, and now it's in writing.
DALE I'll give you the sock for one of those potions.
PHIL I'll just give you a potion.
DALE That's not the point.
PHIL Here.
DALE And I keep the sock. Good trade.
PHIL What are you going to keep in the jar?
DALE Something important.
PHIL Like what?
DALE I'll know it when I see it.
Scene: trap room.
DALE Folks, I want to say a word in favor of walking backwards. You can't see where you're going, but you can see where the camera is, and only one of those has fans.
Sound: trap spring.
Sound: dart trap.
DALE Missed me. Hit the bucket, though. The bucket wants in the shot.
Sound: ceiling descend.
DALE Oh, that's nice. It's coming down slow. That's real considerate, it gives everybody at home time to get a good look.
DALE Hi, everybody. Hi. This is the longest anybody's ever watched me do anything.
Sound: rope creak.
RENATA Hold still.
DALE (out of breath) That's my belt. Ma'am, that's my belt.
Sound: thud.
(A pause.)
Sound: stone rumble.
RENATA Eyes on the light. Follow it.
DALE You came back.
RENATA I was walking past.
DALE Past me. Walking past me, specifically.
RENATA Is that dust, or are you winking?
DALE Bit of both.
RENATA Pupils are fine.
DALE Only a paramedic looks that deep into a man's eyes while he's on his back. Pulling a man out by his belt, in front of his fans.
RENATA No.
DALE Not yet.
RENATA No.
PHIL (out of breath) Dale! Are you okay?
DALE Never been better.
RENATA He's been worse. Not much worse.
Sound: footsteps away.
PHIL Hold still, you're full of dust. Dale, your robe.
DALE Leave it. The fans have earned it.
PHIL Dale. She saved your life.
DALE Twice now, Phil. It's getting serious.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: dungeon tunnel.
HOLLIS Level seven, Dale.
DALE I didn't say anything.
HOLLIS You were going to. I've been keeping notes.
DOUG Yep.
RANDY Yep.
Sound: goblin titter.
DALE Hollis, why does your guy have a goblin?
HOLLIS In case we need one. Four thousand dollars and four cents. Half a coconut. With interest.
DALE How much interest?
HOLLIS A lot. I'm very interested.
DALE Could I pay the coconut part in something else?
HOLLIS The coconut is not negotiable, Dale.
DALE Hollis, I'd like to pay it off.
PHIL Dale?
DALE I know, Phil. It came out in somebody else's voice. Somebody with a job.
Sound: compartment pop.
DALE One jar. Dungeon issue, authentic. It came with an achievement. And it's labeled, so you'll never mix it up with some other jar.
(A pause.)
Sound: goblin titter.
DALE See, the goblin gets it.
HOLLIS Eleven cents.
DALE Eleven? It's a dungeon jar, Hollis.
HOLLIS Floor one rates.
Sound: tablet beep.
HOLLIS Less eleven cents. Let the goblin go, Randy.
RANDY Yep.
Sound: goblin scatter.
(A pause.)
PHIL You lost your jar.
DALE I invested it. I turned nothing into eleven cents, Phil. In front of Hollis Brandt. Most people walk away from him with less than they had.
Scene: training room.
Sound: stamp.
DALE Fenwick, how come you dry off the stamp and never yourself?
FENWICK The stamp still has a career.
DALE Sure. Listen, I need more viewers. You've been here long enough to see everybody's. How do I get them?
(A pause.)
FENWICK Crawler. Do something brave. Help somebody, somebody who can't pay you back. The audience notices that. It's rare down here.
Sound: pencil scratch.
DALE Notices what?
FENWICK Help. Bravery. Kindness.
DALE But how would they notice? Down here everybody looks the same. They need something to remember you by. That's what you're saying.
(A pause.)
DALE I knew it. Phil, hold the bucket.
PHIL Dale, your robe's open.
DALE The belt's going around my head. Knot in front, so the cameras can find it. Fenwick, have you got a mirror?
FENWICK No. Is that brave?
DALE It's a start.
FENWICK (sighing) Help somebody, crawler.
DALE I'm helping them see me.
Sound: stamp.
PHIL What did you just stamp?
FENWICK My hand.
Sound: pencil scratch.
PHIL Fenwick says do something brave. Help somebody who can't pay you back. The audience notices. Underlined twice. Tied Dale's robe shut with a goblin bootlace, so we don't frighten anybody we help.
DALE That was brave of you, Phil. Getting that close to the robe. You're coming along.
Scene: guide desk.
ORVA Was that one of yours? The belt?
FENWICK Belt's on his head now.
ORVA Mine cleared six rooms before breakfast. One of them's a grandmother.
FENWICK Good for her.
ORVA Your other one writes everything down. What's he going to do with it, give them a quiz?
FENWICK He's going to get them to floor two.
ORVA Did you give him the speech? The hero one?
FENWICK I give it to all of them.
ORVA Did he get it?
FENWICK He thought it was about his friend.
ORVA Someday I'm getting a crawler like Carl. Then I'm the next Mordecai. Everybody knows Mordecai's name.
FENWICK Nobody knows mine.
ORVA That's what I'm saying. How long until you retire, anyway?
FENWICK Long enough to see if they make it.
Sound: stamp.
Scene: dungeon tunnel.
DALE (shouting) I'd like to trademark the bathrobe!
(A pause.)
DALE (shouting) Not the robe itself. The look!
(A pause.)
DALE (shouting) The look, I said!
PHIL Dale, that's a different wall.
DALE I'm covering all the walls, Phil.
Sound: wrong buzzer.
THE AI Request denied. Bathrobes already belong to everyone who has ever stolen one from a hotel. That is a lot of people, Dale, and you are one of them. Please stop yelling at the hallway.
DALE It didn't say no to me, Phil. It said no to the paperwork. And it used my name. It's never once used yours.
PHIL Who did you need to prove it to?
DALE Everybody who thinks I copied him. Nobody's said it, but I can tell they're thinking it. I put the robe on at twelve eleven. The clock by the bed was blinking it. Carl came out without his pants at twelve fifteen at the earliest. There was a bank sign across the street. I was watching it the whole time, waiting for Hollis to give up.
DALE Four minutes, Phil. I could prove it in any court in the galaxy.
PHIL With what?
DALE My memory. Nobody's memory was closer to those events than mine.
DALE Okay. If I can't trademark it, I'll go by it. From now on, I'm the Robe Warrior.
PHIL The Robe Warrior.
DALE It's got a ring to it.
DALE You're saying it like it's a rash, Phil.
PHIL Dale, we should keep moving.
DALE You go first. A warrior needs somebody to stand behind.
Scene: dungeon room.
DALE (whispering) Folks, here's the new plan. Find Carl. Stay one tunnel behind him. Do whatever he does, a little later. That's how the second man on the moon did it, and everybody knows his name.
PHIL Dale, this is a bad idea.
DALE (whispering) You can say that from a tunnel back, Phil. That's the right distance for that kind of talk.
Sound: big kick.
Sound: footsteps away.
DALE Okay, he's gone. My turn.
Sound: goblin crowd roar.
DALE (panicked) Not me! I'm not him! I'm the guy after the guy!
Sound: ice bucket bonk.
Sound: goblin screech.
Sound: ice bucket bonk.
(A pause.)
Sound: crank ratchet.
DALE Folks, same lever he pulled. Same lever, same door. That's the method.
Sound: stone rumble.
Sound: rat squeal.
DALE That's a different door.
Sound: rat squeal.
(A pause.)
Sound: creature scurry.
DALE Oh. Oh, you live here. That was your nest. No, I'm with them, sort of. Ma'am, I'm not even the one who set it on fire.
Sound: beetle buzz.
Scene: dungeon tunnel.
PRINCESS DONUT Carl. The room service man is following us again.
CARL (sighing) Let him be, Donut. He's not hurting anybody.
PRINCESS DONUT He's hurting me. That robe looks like it was in a hotel's lost and found, and someone lost it again on purpose.
Sound: footsteps away.
(A pause.)
DALE (whispering) Lost again. On purpose. Lost again, on purpose. I've got to get it exactly right for the memoir.
Scene: safe room.
PHIL Dale. She insulted you.
DALE She described me, Phil. That's what critics do.
PHIL She called you the room service man.
DALE She remembered me. Most people don't.
PHIL I remember you.
DALE That's different. You have to.
PHIL Are you still thinking about the thing with all the legs?
DALE The bites went away. The pinches went away. The one that sat on me, that went away. I still think about the hug.
PHIL You're bleeding.
DALE That's from the first room. The second room's on the other arm.
DALE Lost again, on purpose. She gets me.
PHIL (sleepy) Goodnight, Dale.
DALE Tomorrow I follow them from two tunnels back, Phil. That's the adjustment.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: safe room.
DALE Phil, I'm not on it. I went all the way down and back up, in case I passed myself.
PHIL It's only the top hundred, Dale.
DALE Then where am I?
PHIL (gentle) Further down.
DALE Every time I check, Carl's gone up another spot. I don't mind. I taught him most of it. Not the kicking. The being outside in winter without enough clothes.
Sound: ai announce.
THE AI Good evening, floor one! Time for the numbers. Crawlers remaining on this floor, four hundred and
Sound: sneeze.
THE AI and fourteen. Keep up the good work. Some of you.
DALE Fourteen! Phil, fourteen crawlers left, and I'm one of them. That's the top fourteen. That beats the top hundred any day. The board's wrong.
PHIL It was a lot more than fourteen. It was hundreds of thousands.
DALE Then I'm at the bottom.
PHIL The board doesn't have a bottom. It just stops.
DALE The bottom's the most important part of anything, Phil. It's the foundation. It holds everything up. Without the bottom, Carl would just be falling.
Sound: viewer ping.
(A pause.)
DALE Nine.
PHIL Don't take it personally.
DALE I don't. The ones who left were tourists. They came for the bucket, and they left when it got hard. These nine stayed through the trap room and the toes and the hug.
DALE The real fans. Hi, fellas.
PHIL Hello, everyone.
DALE That makes ten.
Scene: zibb couch.
GRUSK Thirty-two people left his feed today, Zibb.
ZIBB Thirty-two people with no stamina.
GRUSK There are nine of you. There's nobody left to be ironic in front of.
ZIBB That's what makes it pure.
GRUSK Are you waving back at him?
ZIBB He started it.
GRUSK Carl's got a number I can't even say. They're doing a whole hour on the cat's paw tonight.
ZIBB Carl's got fans. Dale has a congregation.
GRUSK Of nine.
ZIBB Of nine. And every one of us chose this, Grusk. Nobody watches the robe man by accident.
GRUSK You did. You were looking for the cooking channel.
ZIBB And I found something better than cooking. Pass the shells.
Scene: dungeon tunnel.
Sound: goblin screech.
DALE (out of breath) In here! Phil, in here! See the funny tile? We step around it, they chase us onto it, and the trap does all the work. Then we split the loot.
PHIL (out of breath) With the trap?
DALE With each other. The trap doesn't need money, Phil. It's a hole. I'm calling it the Tummins Method. Someday there's a book about me, and this is in it. Near the back.
Sound: trap spring.
Sound: mud squelch.
(A pause.)
DALE Phil. The funny tile was just soup.
PHIL Dale!
DALE Don't panic. It's warm down here. And something's very interested in my foot.
Sound: goblin titter.
DALE Hi, fellas. It's nice to have visitors when you can't get up.
Sound: bucket helmet ring.
PHIL Dale? Dale, are you okay?
DALE (shouting) What?
Sound: goblin shriek.
Sound: goblin shriek.
Sound: goblin scatter.
DALE (shouting) Where'd the other two go?
PHIL Home, I think. To try the method.
Sound: rope creak.
PHIL Arms up. The rope you laughed at me for buying.
DALE Pull, Phil.
Sound: wet pop.
(A pause.)
DALE The slipper's still down there. Hang on.
Sound: mud squelch.
DALE Got it. It's more of a sandal now.
DALE Well, that went great. Now we know exactly where the trap is.
PHIL We knew where it was before.
DALE We thought we knew. Now we know. That's science, Phil. You of all people.
PHIL That's not how I remember it.
DALE That's the trouble with remembering. You only get the parts you were there for. I was there for all of it, from the armpits down.
Sound: chisel on stone.
DALE There. A big arrow, so nobody else falls in.
PHIL It's pointing at the soup.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: dungeon tunnel.
Sound: sneeze.
Music: floor clear.
THE AI Phil Brumley! Level ten! Take a bow, Phil!
Sound: boss box drop.
DALE It knows your name now. Great. That's great, Phil.
Sound: achievement chime.
THE AI New achievement! Nearby. Someone close to you did something impressive. It was not you. Reward: one Bronze Adventurer Box, for standing there.
Sound: toaster ding.
DALE Team achievement.
PHIL It says it wasn't you.
DALE It says I was nearby. That's all a coach is, Phil. He's the guy who's nearby. So we should open your box together. As a team.
PHIL It's my box.
DALE That's exactly what somebody on a team would say about a team box.
(A pause.)
PHIL (sighing) Okay, Dale.
Sound: loot box open.
PHIL Here. You can have the gold.
DALE And the gloves?
(A pause.)
PHIL One glove.
Sound: loot box open.
DALE A raisin.
Sound: munch.
DALE It's important to celebrate together.
Scene: safe room.
Sound: shower on.
DALE Sir, that's forty minutes. Some of us are holding soap. Every bar from the other two showers.
A MAN (muffled) Those two are decorative!
DALE That's why I took the soap. Nobody's going to use it on decorations.
Sound: door open.
DALE Finally.
RENATA I'm next.
DALE Renata. I've been waiting forty minutes.
RENATA I've been waiting an hour. I was here when you came in. You stood in front of me.
DALE When I'm thinking about a shower, I don't see anything else. It's called focus. You go first, though. Right after me. I'll be quick, and I'll leave you the warm water, if there's any.
RENATA No.
DALE I haven't asked you anything.
RENATA I know where it's going. No.
Sound: shower on.
DALE She said it before I asked. You don't answer a question before it's asked unless you've been thinking about it.
Scene: safe room.
Sound: shower on.
RENATA Give me your arm. This is a pressure dressing. Tighter than you'd think.
PHIL Like that?
RENATA Tighter. And if the nosebleed's a goblin's, you pinch higher. The bridge sits up by the eyes.
Sound: pencil scratch.
PHIL Higher. Got it.
RENATA Is he always like that?
PHIL The night it all happened, he ran out into the snow in a bathrobe to get away from a man he owes money. I went out after him with the wrong slipper. We've been together ever since.
RENATA Why stay with him?
PHIL He'd do the same for me.
RENATA Would he?
PHIL He'd think he did.
RENATA Huh.
Sound: door open.
PHIL Dale, come here. It's a pressure dressing.
DALE No thanks. I've seen one.
DALE Folks, I know exactly what she's doing. She's trying to make me jealous. It's an old trick, and I'm not proud of how well it's working.
Sound: shower on.
(A pause.)
RENATA (muffled) Whose bucket is this?
DALE Help yourself.
(A pause.)
RENATA (muffled) Thanks for the soap.
DALE Gift exchange, Phil.
Scene: dungeon tunnel.
HOLLIS Dale. Level nine, in case you were wondering.
DALE I wasn't.
Sound: thud.
Sound: bones rattle.
(A pause.)
HOLLIS Dale.
(A pause.)
HOLLIS That's fine. I've got all day. I brought lunch.
Sound: wrapper.
Sound: munch.
HOLLIS You collect on floor one, Randy, while they still believe in jars. Downstairs, the gold's worth less, and so is he.
RANDY Yep.
HOLLIS Pickles. Good sandwich. You want the crust, Doug?
DOUG Nope.
HOLLIS Dale? Crust?
(A pause.)
HOLLIS No. Course not. You're dead.
Sound: pencil scratch.
Sound: footsteps away.
(A pause.)
DALE (whispering) Phil says I always get up too early.
(A pause.)
DALE Four thousand dollars and four cents. Half a coconut. Less eleven cents. See you soon, Dale. He underlined soon. Twice.
DALE He could've woke me up. He could've poked me with the spear. Instead he ate his lunch real quiet and let me rest. You don't do that for a man you don't respect.
Sound: creature scurry.
DALE And you made it all the way up to my knee, little guy. You can stay. You worked hard.
Scene: guide desk.
ORVA Fenwick. Your side. Somebody just walked into a boss room early.
FENWICK Mine.
ORVA Yours? The robe? He's level six.
FENWICK The other one's ten.
ORVA Carl's three rooms from that door, Fenwick.
FENWICK Then mine had better find a cupboard.
Scene: boss lair.
DALE You don't carve skulls around a door unless you care about the place, Phil. That's a welcome.
Sound: ai announce.
THE AI You have entered a boss room. Please keep all of your limbs attached for the duration. Good luck.
DALE We got here first. That makes it ours. That's how parking works.
PHIL (whispering) Dale. I'm level ten. You're level six.
Sound: creature breath.
(A pause.)
DALE Let's let somebody else have the spot.
Sound: cabinet creak.
DALE (muffled) Smells like old soup in here. Phil? Phil, where'd you go?
(A pause.)
DALE Not a peep. That's how well I've trained him.
DALE (whispering) Folks, I've got the best seat in the house. There's a keyhole down by the floor. If I put my cheek flat, I get one whole tile. It's got a crack in it. That gives it character.
Sound: door bang.
CARL Oh, jeez.
PRINCESS DONUT Carl, wait. Let them get my entrance. I've been practicing it.
Sound: boss roar.
Music: boss battle.
(A pause.)
DALE (whispering) A foot. Most people, you'd know them by their face. Carl, you know by the knees.
Sound: big kick.
Sound: wall crash.
DALE The foot's gone. But it'll be back. That's the kind of foot it is.
PHIL (whispering) Dale, who are you talking to?
DALE I'm working, Phil.
Sound: magic missile.
PRINCESS DONUT (shouting) That one's for my fans!
Sound: magic missile.
PRINCESS DONUT And that one's for my other fans!
Sound: magic missile.
DALE Classy. She thanks them every time.
PRINCESS DONUT Carl, it's looking at my bad side. I don't have a bad side, Carl, and it's finding one.
Sound: boss roar.
DALE Phil, if you can hear me, stay behind the crates. That's an order from the cabinet.
CARL (shouting) Donut, move!
Sound: big kick.
DALE Thirteen.
Sound: big kick.
DALE Fourteen.
Sound: big kick.
DALE Fifteen. Sixteen. The foot isn't tired. The foot has never been tired.
Sound: big kick.
Sound: boss roar.
(A pause.)
Sound: stone rumble.
Sound: cabinet topple.
(A pause.)
DALE (muffled) Same view. Just darker.
PHIL Dale?
DALE I'm fine, Phil. I'm on my face. The cabinet's on its face too. We're both fine.
Sound: ai announce.
THE AI Boss defeated! Carl and Princess Donut, everybody! Please enjoy one Boss Box.
Sound: boss box drop.
PRINCESS DONUT Finally. It's smaller than I was promised.
CARL (sighing) It's a box, Donut.
PRINCESS DONUT It's a box I was promised.
Sound: wood crack.
DALE Hit my head. Bent a thumb back. The soup's in the robe now. Folks, that was the greatest fight I've ever seen. All twelve inches of it.
Sound: achievement chime.
THE AI You have received one Bronze Box. You were present. Present is a strong word, but we are using it.
Sound: toaster ding.
Sound: loot box open.
PHIL Is that half a coconut?
(A pause.)
DALE (crying) They watched Exile Isle, Phil. Some alien sat on his couch last spring and watched all of Season Thirty-One, and he's been saving this.
PHIL It might just be what was in the box.
DALE Phil. Nothing's ever just what was in the box.
PRINCESS DONUT Carl, listen to this one. Light of my life, your paws are a national treasure. They're right, Carl. They are.
CARL Mm-hm.
DALE Carl. I just want you to know. I softened it up for you.
(A pause.)
CARL Sure, Bathrobe.
PRINCESS DONUT Carl, the room service man is back. Ask him about the towels.
Music: tender piano.
(A pause.)
PHIL Dale? Are you all right?
DALE He called me something, Phil. Not Dale. Dale's just my name. Bathrobe is what I am.
DALE I've had a lot of happiest moments. This one's got a coconut.
Scene: safe room.
DALE From now on, you can call me Bathrobe. Carl does.
PHIL Carl said it once.
DALE That's how it starts. Somebody famous says it once, then everybody's saying it, then it's on a shirt.
PHIL I'm going to keep calling you Dale.
DALE I understand.
(A pause.)
DALE Huh. That feels good. I see why you say it so much.
DALE Menu. Change name. Bathrobe.
Sound: wrong buzzer.
DALE Mister Bathrobe.
Sound: wrong buzzer.
DALE Robe.
Sound: wrong buzzer.
DALE Ah. Ah. Ahbathrobe!
Sound: wrong buzzer.
Sound: achievement chime.
THE AI New achievement! Nicknamed. Somebody famous gave you a name. It was the name of your clothes. Reward: none.
DALE It's in writing now, Phil. When it's in writing, it's legally binding. Probably.
Sound: coin single.
THE SHOPKEEPER One candle.
DALE Thanks, Bathrobe.
THE SHOPKEEPER I'm not Bathrobe.
DALE No, I am. I was saying it to myself, so you'd hear how it sounds.
(A pause.)
THE SHOPKEEPER I'll be in the back.
Scene: dungeon tunnel.
DALE Hi. I'm Bathrobe.
A MAN Okay.
Sound: footsteps away.
DALE They're going to tell people.
Sound: rat squeal.
Sound: ice bucket bonk.
DALE Bathrobe accepts.
THE AI Loot collected by Dale Tummins.
Scene: safe room.
DALE (sleepy) Nobody called me Bathrobe today, folks. Not Phil. Not the shopkeeper. Not the menu, and the menu had every chance. Carl didn't either, but Carl wasn't there. I'm sure he's saying it somewhere.
PHIL (sleepy) Goodnight, Dale.
(A pause.)
DALE Night, Phil.
Scene: dungeon tunnel.
Sound: countdown tick.
PHIL We have about a day. We should go now.
DALE Phil, floor one's where I made my name. Both my names. You don't walk out on your audience because a clock tells you to. We stay. Fight some goblins. Wave a lot.
DALE Folks, as of today, I'm the People's Crawler. Right down here with the people. Using their showers. Eating their snacks. The way the people would want.
Sound: pencil scratch.
PHIL Rule eleven. When the timer runs out, the floor collapses, and anyone still on it is gone. That's all it says. It doesn't say where.
DALE Is there a grace period?
PHIL No.
DALE What if you're in line for the shower?
PHIL Gone.
DALE What if you can see the stairs?
PHIL Still gone.
DALE What if you're really popular?
(A pause.)
PHIL It doesn't say anything about popular.
DALE Phil, I think the people want me on floor two.
PHIL Great.
DALE Not because of the timer. Because of the people.
(A pause.)
DALE Also I don't want to be gone.
Scene: stairwell descent.
PHIL We should go right through.
DALE A door like this needs somebody to hold it, Phil. Otherwise what's it for?
Sound: gym door.
DALE You're welcome. You're welcome. That's fine, ma'am, I'm not holding it for you.
PRINCESS DONUT Carl, if this staircase doesn't have a railing, I'm writing a letter.
DALE (whispering) Phil. Stand up straight.
PHIL I'm tying my shoe.
(A pause.)
CARL Thanks.
(A pause.)
DALE (whispering) She didn't say anything, Phil. With royalty that's the best you can hope for. When they talk to you, it's usually about a stain.
Scene: zibb couch.
GRUSK Is that your robe man in the corner of my shot?
ZIBB You're welcome.
GRUSK Carl said thanks to him.
ZIBB Carl says thanks to doors, Grusk.
Sound: viewer ping.
ZIBB Eight.
Sound: viewer ping.
GRUSK Seven. They're all going to watch floor two. Everybody's going to watch floor two.
ZIBB He's still holding it. In case they come back for something.
GRUSK Nobody's coming back.
ZIBB Then I'm holding it too.
Scene: stairwell descent.
A WOMAN Thanks.
DALE Not for you.
PHIL Come on, Dale.
DALE Carl and I went down to floor two together, Phil. Him first, then me, fifteen minutes later. On a staircase that's basically holding hands.
(A pause.)
PHIL There's no railing.
DALE Folks. We took the stairs.
Music: dcd theme.
Scene: zibb couch.
GRUSK Give me the clicker.
ZIBB No.
GRUSK The pants man is going down the stairs right now. With the cat. The whole planet is watching the pants man go down the stairs, and we're on a bathrobe who held a door for fifteen minutes after they left.
ZIBB In case they came back for something.
GRUSK Everybody else gave up on him, Zibb. Even the bots gave up on him.
ZIBB That's why I can't.
GRUSK Can't what?
ZIBB If I change it, he's at zero. I'm not going to be the one who makes it zero. I want to see what he does with one.
GRUSK (disgusted) You're going to send him something.
ZIBB Message. Please don't get any better. It would ruin everything. Send.
Scene: stairwell descent.
DALE Every single one of these goes down, Phil. Not one of them goes up. That's a missed opportunity.
Sound: viewer ping.
PHIL Ow. Dale, you can't stop on a staircase.
DALE One. Phil, I've got one viewer. His name's Zibb.
PHIL Who's Zibb?
DALE I don't know. But out of all the millions of people watching this thing out there in space, he picked me. Not Carl. Not the cat. Me, on the stairs, with one slipper. That's not a viewer, Phil. That's a superfan.
PHIL It might be a glitch.
DALE (whispering) Phil. Not in front of Zibb.
DALE Zibb, buddy, if you can hear me. Everybody else left, but you stayed. You're the real thing.
Sound: viewer ping.
DALE He wrote back. From Zibb. Please don't get any better. It would ruin everything.
(A pause.)
DALE He likes me just the way I am, Phil.
PHIL Dale, I don't think he...
(A pause.)
PHIL Okay.
DALE It's all right. I'm moved too. Which wall's the camera on?
PHIL I don't know.
DALE Then I'll wave at all of them. And the ceiling. You never know with space.
Scene: floor two tunnel.
Sound: goblin screech.
Sound: ice bucket bonk.
DALE He was looking at my slipper, Phil. Before he stabbed me. Floor two goblins check your size first.
PHIL Don't touch any door handles on this floor.
DALE I'm not going to talk about the door handle, Phil.
PHIL And the menu says we can craft now. You put two things together, and sometimes you get a third thing.
DALE That's a sandwich.
PHIL It's not a sandwich, Dale.
DALE Not if you do it wrong.
Sound: splash small.
DALE Ahh. Best water I've had since Seattle.
PHIL Dale, that's a birdbath.
DALE I haven't seen any birds, Phil. I think I'm fine.
Scene: zibb couch.
ZIBB Gift. One napkin.
GRUSK That napkin's been used.
ZIBB Lightly. Note. For your face. Send.
Scene: floor two tunnel.
Sound: fan gift.
DALE Ow.
DALE (excited) Phil. It's from Zibb. My first gift from a fan.
Sound: letter unfold.
DALE For your face. Phil, he's thinking about my face.
PHIL It's used, Dale.
DALE That means he held it. That's the same as signing it.
DALE Zibb, I'm going to do the forehead, and then I'm going to do behind the ears, which nobody ever thinks about.
(A pause.)
DALE Thanks, Zibb. My face is clean now, and it's because of you.
PHIL I'm going to walk on ahead a little.
DALE He's jealous. Nobody's ever sent Phil a napkin.
DALE Pocket by the heart. It's still a little damp. That's how you know it's real.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: floor two tunnel.
Sound: rat squeal.
Sound: coins spill.
PHIL Forty feet. With a rock. Dale, I made a sling.
DALE Lucky.
PHIL It's all in the menu. You put things together and you think hard about what you want.
DALE I know what I want. A second bathrobe.
PHIL You have a bathrobe.
DALE A backup, Phil. A brand needs a backup. Carl's probably got a whole closet full of no pants.
Sound: goblin shriek.
Sound: ice bucket bonk.
DALE Eleven.
PHIL Dale, those vests are wool.
DALE They're bathrobe. They just don't know it yet.
DALE Okay. Soft. A belt. The little hotel pocket on the front. Soft.
Sound: craft whir.
(A pause.)
DALE Wool Problem.
(A pause.)
Sound: sneeze.
PHIL (shouting) Dale, did you just make something out of wool?
DALE (shouting) No! I made a bathrobe!
Sound: achievement chime.
THE AI New achievement! Maker. You have crafted your first item, and it's a problem. Even the menu says so. Reward: one Bronze Adventurer Box.
DALE Phil made bandages all morning, Zibb. Nobody gave him an achievement. You don't get achievements for bandages. You get them for taking risks.
PHIL (muffled) What does it look like?
DALE Like a bathrobe. If a bathrobe was a ball about the size of a dog, with one sleeve coming out the top.
PHIL (muffled) Are you wearing it?
DALE It's warm. And it's itchy. And with the one sleeve, every morning I get a choice.
Sound: sneeze.
PHIL (muffled) Please.
DALE Fine. But you don't throw out your first one.
Scene: training room.
Sound: stamp.
FENWICK One day closer, crawler.
DALE Fenwick! You took the stairs too?
FENWICK They moved the desk. I came with the desk.
DALE One day closer to what?
FENWICK Retirement. Tomorrow I'll have one day left. Then they take the stamp.
DALE Congratulations. Do they give you a watch?
FENWICK They give you a chair. Then after a while they take the chair back.
DALE Fenwick, I'm down to one viewer, and I want to grow the base.
FENWICK You want to know who makes it down here, crawler?
DALE The people on the leaderboard.
FENWICK No. The ones who help other crawlers. They're the ones who make it.
Sound: pencil scratch.
PHIL Floor two, Fenwick. Help other crawlers. Underlined it twice. Drew a star. That one's on the test.
DALE Does it count if nobody's watching?
(A pause.)
FENWICK Especially then.
DALE Fenwick, I'm going to give you my honest opinion, as a consultant, free of charge. That's a bad business model.
Sound: stamp.
PHIL What's good for bee stings?
FENWICK Cold mud. Lie down. And read the bottom of the bottle before you drink anything, crawler. They hide things on the bottom.
DALE A man works his whole life, Phil, and he gets a chair for a while.
PHIL Yeah.
DALE At least I gave him some business advice.
Scene: guide desk.
ORVA Was that the robe one?
FENWICK That was the robe one.
ORVA He told you your advice was a bad business model.
FENWICK It is. Nobody's ever paid me for it.
ORVA Mordecai's crawlers are on every screen in this building. They put the cat on a poster in the break room. And you got a bathrobe and a schoolteacher.
FENWICK The schoolteacher underlined it.
ORVA And the bathrobe?
FENWICK Asked if it counts when nobody's watching.
ORVA Does it?
Sound: stamp.
ORVA What do you even stamp?
FENWICK Whatever's in front of me, Orva. Three hundred seasons. Nobody's ever checked.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: floor two tunnel.
PHIL Don't step on that one, Dale. It's a different color.
DALE That's how they show you which one's special.
Sound: tile click.
Sound: barrel roll.
PHIL Barrel, Dale.
DALE I've got it.
Sound: ice bucket bonk.
Sound: ice bucket bonk.
Sound: goblin shriek.
PHIL Goblin, Dale.
DALE Sorry, buddy! I didn't see you back there! Nice torch!
Sound: fire catch.
PHIL (shouting) Down, Dale!
Sound: explosion small.
Sound: rock fall.
Sound: ear ring.
(A pause.)
DALE Phil?
PHIL I'm here. Are you okay?
DALE I'm fine. Mostly. Do I have eyebrows?
PHIL No.
DALE Either one?
PHIL No. And the bottom of your robe's on fire.
Sound: sizzle.
DALE Okay. Puddle. The slipper's fine. The slipper's always fine, Phil. I'm starting to resent it.
PHIL Dale. Where's the bucket?
(A pause.)
Sound: digging.
(A pause.)
PHIL (gentle) I found it.
(A pause.)
DALE If I had a stamp, I could mail it.
Music: tender piano.
DALE It came along to carry muffins. It ended up killing goblins, and half a rat, and once, by accident, a lamp.
DALE It was my weapon. It was my helmet, and my drum, and my pillow on the bad nights. And it never once complained about the career change.
DALE I'm going to put a little ice in it. Out of respect.
(A pause.)
DALE It won't take any.
Sound: stones piled.
PHIL Do you want to say a few words?
DALE It was a good bucket. The best one I ever had.
PHIL It's the only one you ever had.
DALE That's what made it the best.
Sound: teacup rattle.
PHIL I made tea.
DALE Phil only makes tea at funerals, Zibb. That's class.
(A pause.)
DALE Okay. Let's see what the goblin left. It's only fair. He brought the torch.
Sound: loot box open.
DALE Bronze Ladle of Moderate Stirring. Suitable for soups, stews and light combat. Not recommended for soup that fights back.
DALE Moderate. A moderate weapon knows its limits, Phil. That's more than you can say for a barrel.
PHIL It's a spoon, Dale.
DALE It's a ladle. A spoon's for one person. A ladle serves the whole table.
Sound: rat squeal.
Sound: ladle clang.
(A pause.)
Sound: ladle clang.
DALE Come on. Come on.
Sound: ladle clang.
Sound: ladle clang.
Sound: coins spill.
DALE (proud) Twelve stirs. He knew he'd been stirred.
Sound: ai announce.
THE AI Good evening, crawlers. Time for a head count. The number of you still with us is
Sound: goblin screech.
Sound: goblin shriek.
THE AI three hundred and eleven. Congratulations on still being part of a number. Enjoy your evening.
Sound: pencil scratch.
DALE Three hundred and eleven.
PHIL It's a lot bigger than that, Dale. There were zeros.
DALE The zeros were the goblin.
DALE Zibb, I did the math. Three hundred and eleven crawlers is about seventy parties. Every party's got a leader, and everybody knows the leader's the only real crawler in it. That's seventy.
DALE Then, to be fair, I took out anybody without a kitchen weapon, and anybody not in a robe. That leaves Carl, who's close, and me. That's top two. I'm saying top ten, to stay humble.
DALE You picked a winner, buddy. You got in on the ground floor.
PHIL We're on the second floor.
DALE Then he got in on the ground floor and followed me all the way down. That's loyalty.
(A pause.)
DALE He's speechless, Phil.
Scene: zibb couch.
GRUSK Top ten.
ZIBB Don't.
GRUSK Seventy parties. Kitchen weapons.
ZIBB He showed his work, Grusk.
GRUSK He says you're speechless.
ZIBB I am.
GRUSK You took your hat off for the bucket.
ZIBB It was a funeral, Grusk. I'm not an animal.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: safe room.
A MAN Fella with no pants. He's blowing things up all over the floor.
DALE That sounds like a rumor about me, with the details wrong.
Scene: floor two tunnel.
Sound: bomb boom far.
DALE Whoa! My robe!
PHIL I'm looking at the wall, Dale.
DALE You're a good friend.
PHIL I've had a lot of practice.
DALE That's the biggest boom I ever heard, and I once sat on a bag of chips in church.
PHIL (whispering) Stay back.
DALE (whispering) Phil, that's history. I'm getting down low. The air's better down low.
(A pause.)
PRINCESS DONUT Carl, did you see how high that went? The viewers saw it. I could feel them seeing it.
CARL Yeah. Come on, Donut.
Sound: footsteps away.
(A pause.)
DALE Legs. A tail. Burnt hair. I put it together, Phil. Carl's a bomb man.
DALE And so am I. Me and Carl have a lot in common. We both dress for comfort, and we both have a cat. Well. He has one. But she's sent me for a pillow.
DALE Phil, you know chemistry.
PHIL I teach biology.
DALE Biology's just chemistry that's alive. That makes it angrier, which is what we want.
PHIL I'm not teaching you to make a bomb, Dale.
DALE Not a big one. A medium one.
PHIL No.
DALE Only on goblins.
PHIL No.
DALE Only on goblins that are already mostly dead.
PHIL No.
DALE What if it just made a loud noise, and they died of surprise?
(A pause.)
PHIL No.
Sound: pencil scratch.
DALE Is that a recipe? Phil, you won't even tell me what's in your chili, and I've eaten it out of your fridge six times.
(A pause.)
DALE Boom. Phil, listen. I can do it low, so it rumbles. Boom.
PHIL Go to sleep, Dale.
DALE I just need something to put it in.
Scene: safe room.
Sound: munch.
Sound: hologram on.
VEXMORE Dale Tummins. As I live and breathe.
DALE Do aliens breathe?
VEXMORE As I live. I'm with Vexmore Brands. My name doesn't really go into your mouth.
DALE I'm going to call you Ted. You've got a lot of teeth for a man your size, Ted. I respect that in a businessman.
VEXMORE Ted! Love it. That's the kind of company Vexmore is. Dale, have you heard of Torment?
DALE No.
VEXMORE You will. Everyone has it eventually. Torment. Now with more.
DALE More what?
VEXMORE Dale, we've been watching you. The camera loves a man in a robe. You've got something you can't teach. You're a natural.
DALE (proud) Nobody's ever called me a natural. Mostly people say I'm a lot.
VEXMORE Eleven pages. Just the bit at the bottom.
PHIL Dale. Page four.
DALE Phil, you don't read a man's contract in front of him. You wait till he's signed it, and then you read it to him, if he asks.
PHIL Page four, Dale.
DALE I'm not on page four, Phil. I'm on the part where you sign.
Sound: tablet beep.
VEXMORE What a beautiful signature.
DALE Nobody's ever said that either. Mostly they say it doesn't match.
VEXMORE Welcome to the family, Dale.
Sound: hologram off.
DALE Okay, Phil. What'd I get?
(A pause.)
DALE Phil, it's been forty minutes. Is it good?
(A pause.)
Sound: teacup rattle.
PHIL I made us some tea.
DALE Tea! Zibb, I've never felt so sponsored.
Sound: snore.
Sound: pencil scratch.
PHIL Dale signed with Vexmore Brands tonight. Eleven pages. I read them twice. Page four says permanent nine times, and it has the measurements of the back of his robe. I didn't tell him. I made tea.
Music: sting dramatic.
Scene: dungeon room.
Sound: bog bubble.
DALE Hollis. Let's talk about this like two grown men.
HOLLIS Hands where I can see them, Dale.
DALE Did you make that crossbow?
HOLLIS Level twelve. I carved what it's for on the side.
DALE Four thousand dollars and half a coco?
HOLLIS Ran out of room.
Sound: crossbow whizz.
Sound: ladle clang.
Sound: splash small.
(A pause.)
DALE Moderately. Even now. Phil, I've never been prouder of a utensil.
PHIL Run.
Scene: floor two tunnel.
Sound: potion gulp.
DALE (out of breath) You're drinking while we run?
PHIL He nicked my ear. I like to stay ahead of things.
PHIL It was on the bottom. Restores health. May contain traces of.
(A pause.)
PHIL Bee.
DALE Phil, your ear's going. Now the other one. Now the part in between.
PHIL Fenwick told me exactly what to do about bees. I wrote it down.
DALE Where?
PHIL In the journal.
DALE Where's the journal?
PHIL In my pack. On my back.
DALE That's the one place you can't read.
(A pause.)
HOLLIS (calm) I don't run, Dale. I just keep walking. You keep having to stop.
DALE I can pay you!
Sound: coin single.
HOLLIS Floor two rates. That's four cents.
DALE It was worth more upstairs.
HOLLIS You moved down a floor. Everything's worth less down here.
Sound: pencil scratch.
HOLLIS Four thousand dollars and four cents, and half a coconut, minus fifteen cents. Here. I went back to the soup for this. I don't want you having an excuse.
Sound: ladle clang.
DALE At four cents a coin, Phil, I'm only a hundred thousand coins away from being a free man. How many coins have you got?
PHIL (muffled) I understand.
DALE That's Phil for yes.
Scene: dungeon tunnel.
HOLLIS Four cents.
DOUG Yep.
HOLLIS I could've said two.
RANDY Yep.
HOLLIS A debtor with no hope stops paying. You give a man four cents, and he thinks he's getting somewhere.
DOUG Yep.
HOLLIS He smelled my soap. In Seattle. All the way across the lobby, while he was running away from me. I saw his nostrils go.
RANDY Yep.
HOLLIS Keep the dish close, boys. Eucalyptus isn't cheap down here.
DOUG Yep.
Scene: dungeon room.
Sound: munch.
DALE I've figured out floors. Each one's just the one before it, but downstairs.
RENATA We're eating, Dale.
DALE A discovery like this shouldn't have to wait for dessert. Floor one was up there. Floor two's down here. See where I'm going?
THE MEDIC Floor three.
DALE Down. Nobody's ever said that out loud before.
RENATA It's on the stairs. There are signs.
DALE Signs are for people who need signs.
DALE Every floor has a floor. And the floor of this floor is the ceiling of the next one.
THE MEDIC I've lost my appetite.
DALE That's what a big idea does to some people. And if you really think about it, we're not going down at all. Everything else is going up.
RENATA Nothing's going up.
DALE Then why do my ears keep popping?
(A pause.)
DALE A man who figures out something like that needs a name. You can call me Dale, Breaker of Floors.
THE MEDIC You haven't broken any floors.
DALE Breaker, like breakthrough.
PHIL (muffled) You fell into two trap rooms.
DALE That's called research.
Sound: wrapper.
(A pause.)
DALE For me?
(A pause.)
Sound: munch.
DALE (whispering) Phil. She's watching me eat. In front of her whole party. That's even more personal.
PHIL (muffled) She wants you to stop talking, Dale.
DALE First date. She paid.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: safe room.
RENATA Phil, come join my party. We could use somebody who reads the rules. And the map. And knows what a rash is.
DALE I know what a rash is.
RENATA You have one.
(A pause.)
DALE Phil. Go. Go with them. Don't think about me. Don't think about how I always know where the snacks are, or how I make every room a party, even rooms that already have one.
DALE Don't think about the time I carried you out of that bog.
PHIL You didn't carry me out of a bog.
DALE Then don't think about it. That should be easy.
DALE (sad) And one night you'll hear a sandwich being unwrapped in the dark, and you'll think of me, and you'll turn to say something. And I won't be there. And you'll have to say it to a medic.
THE MEDIC (crying) Sorry. It's the sandwich part.
PHIL I'm staying with Dale.
DALE That's very selfless of you, Phil. I'll allow it.
(A pause.)
RENATA (sighing) Fine. He can come. If he holds the light.
DALE Holding the light. Everybody has to go where you point it, or they walk into a wall. Phil, that's a captain.
RENATA Dale. The floor.
DALE I'm a generous captain.
Sound: crate drop.
DALE (excited) Phil! The sponsorship came! It needed a crate! I've been undercharging.
Sound: sign bolts.
DALE Hey. Whoa. Okay. It's very professional. I didn't have to lift a finger.
Sound: torment hum.
Sound: torment jingle.
DALE Torment. Now with more.
THE MEDIC More what?
DALE It doesn't say. That's confidence.
Sound: achievement chime.
THE AI New achievement! Sold Out. A beverage company has purchased you for one case of its product, dented. You are now worth slightly less than the case.
DALE One case. That's twenty-four drinks. Nobody's ever valued me at twenty-four of anything.
PHIL It says you're worth less than the case.
DALE Slightly. We're talking about a can.
Sound: torment jingle.
RENATA Every ninety seconds, Dale?
DALE It's a sponsorship, Renata. A jingle has to repeat, or it's just a song, and nobody pays you for a song.
DALE And you close your eyes every time it plays, Renata. You only do that when you're savoring something.
RENATA No.
THE MEDIC Can we sleep in the next room?
DALE Sure. You'll still get the glow under the door, though. It's a quality sign.
DALE Phil, help me get it off for a second. I want to see it from the front.
PHIL The belt won't untie.
DALE Most sponsors would let you walk away. Vexmore won't hear of it. That's loyalty.
Scene: zibb couch.
Sound: torment jingle.
GRUSK Mute it.
ZIBB I can't mute his back.
GRUSK That's three. I've been counting.
ZIBB Engrave. Most Robe. Note. You earned it. Nobody else even wanted it. Send.
GRUSK Most Robe isn't a category.
ZIBB It is now. I paid for it.
GRUSK He's going to give a speech.
ZIBB Obviously he's going to give a speech.
Scene: floor two tunnel.
Sound: fan gift.
DALE You earned it. Nobody else even wanted it.
(A pause.)
DALE Nobody else even came close. I have to sit down.
DALE For Most Robe, I want to thank Zibb. I want to thank my mother, who taught me to wear a robe. I want to thank the hotel, who gave me this robe, in a way.
Sound: goblin titter.
DALE I want to thank Phil, for everything he's done that I've also done.
DALE I want to thank my slipper. And my other slipper, wherever it ended up. And my sponsor, Torment, now with more.
Sound: torment jingle.
DALE Finally, I want to thank the fans. The fan. You know who.
(A pause.)
A GOBLIN Done?
DALE Done.
Sound: goblin screech.
Sound: ladle clang.
Sound: goblin shriek.
Sound: coins spill.
PHIL (out of breath) Who were you talking to?
DALE Everybody. You were in it.
RENATA Hold still. Elbow.
DALE I went a little long. One of them bit the trophy. That makes it more personal.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: floor two tunnel.
Sound: torment hum.
DALE My revenge on Hollis Brandt has five steps, Phil. One per finger. That's how you know it's a plan and not just a feeling.
DALE Step one, I lure him into a trap room. I know where the trap rooms are. I've been in most of them.
DALE Step two, I lock him in with the big gray slug. It moves about a foot an hour. It can't hurt you. It just gets on you, and then you're a man with a slug on him.
DALE Every hour he'll look up, and it'll be a little closer, and he'll think about what he's done.
PHIL What's he done?
DALE Lent me the jet ski.
DALE Step three, I go through his pack. Step four, I find his soap. Eucalyptus. He keeps it in a little wooden dish.
PHIL And step five?
DALE I use it. Hands first. Then, if I feel like it, my whole face.
Sound: torment jingle.
Scene: trap room.
DALE (shouting) Hollis! In here! I want to pay you!
HOLLIS That's a trap room, Dale. I read the walls.
Sound: torment jingle.
HOLLIS And I can hear you coming for a mile.
Scene: floor two tunnel.
Sound: mud squelch.
DALE Come on, buddy. Mushroom. Come on.
(A pause.)
Sound: snore.
PHIL He's asleep.
DALE Four inches in an hour, Phil. He was motivated. He just ran out.
DALE And step three's out too. He wears the pack. We skip to four.
Scene: safe room.
Sound: shower on.
Sound: shower humming.
DALE (whispering) Little wooden dish.
(A pause.)
DALE (whispering) Eucalyptus.
Sound: torment jingle.
HOLLIS Is that coming from you?
DALE It's a sponsorship, Hollis.
HOLLIS Does it pay?
DALE Not in money.
HOLLIS Then it doesn't pay.
Sound: replay screen.
Sound: crowd cheer.
HOLLIS Dale. Rinse the dish when you're done.
DALE Sure.
(A pause.)
HOLLIS You're not rinsing it.
DALE I'm rinsing everything else.
Scene: safe room.
Sound: door open.
DALE What'd I miss? Sir, what happened to your beard?
A MAN Stood too close to the screen. He blew up a building.
DALE There aren't any buildings down here.
A MAN There was one. Then there wasn't.
A WOMAN It wasn't him. It was the cat. Fire came out of the cat.
DALE Out of which part?
A WOMAN All of it.
THE MEDIC You're both wrong. It was a boat. A lot of fire, and him on the very top with no pants, waving.
A MAN There's no water down here.
THE MEDIC There was. Then there wasn't.
DALE Can you play it again?
THE SHOPKEEPER It doesn't work that way.
DALE Okay. I've got it. Carl built a building on a boat. Then the cat set the whole thing on fire, with all of her, and Carl stood on the top and waved. In a bathrobe.
A WOMAN He wasn't in a bathrobe.
DALE Not on the outside. But you could tell.
Sound: torment jingle.
PHIL What are you going to say when people ask where you were when Carl did the big thing?
DALE I'll say I was there.
PHIL You were in the shower, Dale.
DALE Then I'll say nearby. Anyway, the plan went perfectly.
PHIL That's not how I remember it. I was sitting right outside the stalls the whole time, waiting for one.
DALE Phil. Smell.
(A pause.)
PHIL (sighing) Eucalyptus.
DALE That's what revenge smells like.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: floor two tunnel.
Sound: torment jingle.
Sound: rat squeal.
DALE Hi there. You thirsty, buddy? It's a drink. You can't have it, but you can think about it.
(A pause.)
Sound: torment jingle.
Sound: rat squeal.
Sound: rat squeal.
PHIL Dale. That's four.
DALE Word of mouth, Phil. That's how a brand grows.
Sound: torment jingle.
Sound: goblin screech.
Sound: beetle buzz.
Sound: creature scurry.
THE MEDIC (nervous) Is that one on the ceiling?
DALE Everybody, relax. They can't all be thirsty.
Sound: creature breath.
(A pause.)
RENATA And what does that one want?
DALE It's listening. Not everybody comes for the action.
RENATA Dale. Turn it off.
DALE It doesn't turn off. It's a sponsorship.
PHIL Then take off the robe.
DALE I'm trying. The belt won't untie. It's like it's glued, but nicer.
Sound: ai announce.
THE AI Sponsored apparel cannot be removed during the life of the contract. The life of the contract is your life. Enjoy Torment.
DALE I'm enjoying it. That was never the problem.
Music: boss battle.
Sound: goblin screech.
RENATA (shouting) Front's mine!
Sound: knife slash.
PHIL Back! I've got the back!
Sound: sword clash.
THE MEDIC Duck!
Sound: rat squeal.
A MAN No, don't duck! Why did you duck?
DALE Okay. Okay. You can't turn off a light, you put something in front of it. Come here, little fella. Just stand right there. Hold still.
Sound: goblin titter.
DALE He's letting me. That's the friendliest a goblin's ever been to me.
Sound: torment jingle.
Sound: goblin shriek.
Sound: goblin crowd roar.
Sound: goblin scatter.
THE MEDIC Why did they all go after him?
DALE I think they thought he was the drink.
PHIL Dale, stop helping.
(A pause.)
DALE Torment. Now with more.
Sound: torment jingle.
PHIL Please stop that too.
DALE I'm giving them a heads up. It's a courtesy.
Sound: knife slash.
Sound: rat squeal.
DALE Ow. That one bit me. Ow. Something I didn't even see bit me. Hey, that's my hem!
Sound: beetle buzz.
(A pause.)
RENATA (out of breath) Never again.
DALE That big one at the back was a critic, Phil. Never fought. Listened to the whole thing.
PHIL It took a bite out of my shield.
DALE That's how you know it had a strong opinion.
Sound: viewer ping.
DALE Still one. But that one saw everything. That's a hundred percent of my audience on the edge of their seat. Everybody, that was a hit.
RENATA Catch.
Sound: thud.
DALE Ow.
(A pause.)
DALE Fans do that.
Scene: zibb couch.
Sound: viewer ping.
ZIBB Zero.
GRUSK He's in the bathroom. They don't film in there. Nobody in the universe is watching him. Finally. Put Carl on.
ZIBB I'll wait.
GRUSK Wait for what? It's a bathroom. There's nothing in there but the robe man and a sink.
ZIBB He'll come out.
(A pause.)
GRUSK It's been four minutes.
ZIBB Four minutes is nothing. Carl's had a cold open longer than that.
Sound: toilet flush.
ZIBB Note. Best four minutes yet. Send.
Scene: safe room.
Sound: viewer ping.
DALE One. Phil. He came back.
PHIL The cameras don't go in the bathroom. It's in the rules, on page two.
DALE I never read page two. I've been doing some of my best material in there.
DALE Best four minutes yet. He waited, Phil. There's three hundred crawlers he could be watching, and some of them blow things up.
DALE He went away so I could be alone, and he came back so I wouldn't be. That's not a fan. That's a friend.
PHIL (gentle) Are you crying again?
DALE It's the sign. It's on my back, but it's very bright.
Sound: torment jingle.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: underground lake.
DALE Please don't feed the lake. Phil, what does a lake eat?
RENATA Let's not find out.
Sound: pencil scratch.
DALE Phil, put the pencil down, we don't have all day. I'll wade it.
PHIL Dale, we don't know how deep it is.
DALE I do. I've got more lake experience than anybody down here. I've been on Lake Wendle with a jet ski, and I've been under Lake Wendle with the same jet ski. I've seen a lake from both sides.
Sound: wading.
DALE Cold. That's fine. My slipper filled right up, which is good for traction.
PHIL Dale, come back.
DALE (proud) Phil! Everybody! Lakes are deeper than they look!
Sound: splash deep.
Sound: bubbles sink.
Sound: torment jingle underwater.
(A pause.)
RENATA (shouting) There! The green, under there!
PHIL I see him. Hook the belt!
RENATA Everybody grab everybody. Pull!
Sound: water burst.
DALE Torment. Now with mmf.
RENATA That sign just saved your life.
DALE It's a sponsorship. It's in the contract.
PHIL You've never read the contract.
DALE I said it with confidence.
DALE Both my ears are full of lake, Phil. Some of my skin's still out there on a rock. But the slipper stayed on. It knew what was at stake.
Sound: munch.
HOLLIS Evening, Dale.
DALE Hollis? How are you dry?
HOLLIS Bridge.
DALE What bridge?
HOLLIS The one with the sign on it that says Bridge.
DALE Well, they should have put that on the map.
PHIL It's on the map, Dale.
HOLLIS Four thousand dollars, Dale.
Sound: munch.
Scene: underground lake.
RENATA Hold still. Elbow.
DALE Renata, when we get out of here, maybe you and I could get dinner somewhere.
RENATA No. But that's sweet, Dale. Hold still.
DALE That's four. The first one was plain, the second was firm, and the third you said before I even asked. Now it's sweet. You put that on a chart, the line's going up.
RENATA It's a bandage.
DALE This potion tastes like a penny. You got one that tastes like a better coin?
RENATA This is the coin we have. Go sit with the medic.
Scene: underground lake.
RENATA Give me the hand.
PHIL It's a scrape.
RENATA Everything's a scrape with him. Give me the hand. Does he do this a lot?
PHIL He walked into a lake once before. That one had a jet ski in it.
RENATA Why do you stay?
PHIL Somebody has to hold the other end of the belt.
(A pause.)
PHIL There was a barbecue once. He told a story about a frog for forty minutes. He was the hero. The frog didn't come into it until the very end, and then it was just there.
RENATA Just there?
PHIL On the potato salad. The whole time. Nobody said anything.
RENATA (laughing) The whole time?
PHIL (laughing) He ate some.
Scene: underground lake.
DALE They're laughing about me.
THE MEDIC Are they?
DALE Who else would it be about? I'm the one who almost drowned. I'm the story.
(A pause.)
THE MEDIC Here. More bandage.
DALE I'll take that as a yes.
(A pause.)
DALE Phil! What was so funny?
PHIL Just a thing about frogs.
DALE So it was about me. I've still got it. Even wet.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: safe room.
Sound: snore.
PHIL (whispering) He's asleep. Okay. You never put beetle paste near lamp oil.
RENATA (whispering) Got it.
PHIL (whispering) And you never, ever pack it tight and tie it off.
DALE (whispering) Beetle paste. Lamp oil. Pack it tight. Tie it off.
Sound: snore.
Scene: floor two tunnel.
DALE Folks, every bomb man starts somewhere. Carl had a head start. All I had was a sock.
DALE The sock from my very first loot box. I've been saving it for something important. I just didn't know it'd be explosives.
PHIL (shouting) Further, Dale!
DALE A bomb man needs his space, Phil!
PHIL (shouting) Further!
Sound: match strike.
DALE Fuse is a thread off the robe. The robe's part of everything I do. Here we go. Torment, now with boom.
Sound: thud.
Sound: fuse fizzle.
(A pause.)
DALE I'm holding my breath. That's how I time things down here.
(A pause.)
DALE Second breath.
(A pause.)
DALE Hello? Sock? Come on, sock. You're warm. You were close.
DALE Dud.
DALE Not a trash can. That's fine. You're not trash. You're a disappointment, which is different.
Sound: shaft drop.
Sound: footsteps stone.
(A pause.)
Sound: bomb boom far.
Sound: dust crumble.
DALE Carl. Everything that goes boom on this floor is Carl.
Sound: achievement chime.
THE AI New achievement! Return to Sender. Something you threw away in a sulk landed exactly where it was needed. Two crawlers will never know. Neither, apparently, will you. Reward: one Bronze Adventurer Box.
DALE Two crawlers who'll never know. That's Phil and Renata. Well, I'm not telling them about the sock. A bomb man doesn't talk about his duds.
Sound: loot box open.
DALE A match. Now they send me a match.
Scene: zibb couch.
Sound: replay screen.
GRUSK Shh. This is the good part. Something always happens when he goes anywhere.
Sound: bomb boom far.
CARL (muffled) Huh?
PRINCESS DONUT (muffled) Carl, did you order that? Because I love it.
GRUSK (excited) He didn't even touch it! Things blow up out of respect!
ZIBB He didn't do that.
GRUSK Then who did?
ZIBB The robe man. I was on him. He threw his sock down a hole about a minute ago. He thought it was a dud.
GRUSK His sock.
ZIBB It was a bomb sock.
(A pause.)
GRUSK Put him on the big screen.
ZIBB What?
GRUSK Just for a minute. I want to see his face when he finds out.
ZIBB He's never going to find out.
Scene: safe room.
Sound: replay screen.
A MAN He did it again!
DALE He didn't do anything. He was walking. My bomb's a dud, and his go off when he isn't even there.
DALE Some guys get all the booms.
Scene: safe room.
DALE From now on I'm not wearing pants. Like Carl.
(A pause.)
DALE Everybody's thinking about it. I can tell. Call me Carl Two.
THE MEDIC Like a sequel?
DALE Exactly. Sequels make more money.
THE MEDIC Pass the salt, Dale.
Scene: safe room.
PHIL (sleepy) Dale. Would you please just put your pants back on?
DALE I'm not wearing any, Phil. That's the whole point. I'm Carl Two.
PHIL I know. Please put them back on.
(A pause.)
DALE Phil. I went down to the lobby to steal muffins in a robe and slippers. Nobody brings pants to steal muffins. I haven't had pants since Seattle.
DALE I've been Carl Two the whole time. Quietly, which is harder. And I was out in that parking lot before he ever ran by. Phil, Carl is Dale Two.
PHIL Okay. Goodnight, Dale.
DALE Carl can have it. I'm not using it.
Sound: torment jingle.
Scene: safe room.
DALE They're backing off, Phil. Every time you check, they're the same distance away. The stairs know we're coming.
PHIL Dale, we haven't moved. We've been in this safe room for three hours.
DALE That's exactly what I'd say if I was the stairs.
PHIL The stairs are past the black part.
DALE What's in the black part? You wrote no on it twice. You only underline twice when you're yelling.
PHIL Nobody knows what's in there. Nobody who's come out wants to talk about it.
DALE So it's exclusive. I feel a lot better about it.
PHIL The timer says nine hours. That sounds like a lot. It isn't.
DALE Nine hours is a whole workday. I've never needed a whole workday for anything in my life.
A MAN Coil of rope, please. Did you hear? Carl and the cat are already heading for the stairs. Somebody saw them on the replay, walking fast. The cat's pointing.
THE SHOPKEEPER Eleven gold.
DALE Carl's heading down? Right now? Without us?
Sound: torment jingle.
A MAN Were you supposed to go with him?
DALE I held the door for him. On floor one. Him and the cat both.
A MAN Okay.
Sound: footsteps away.
DALE He's jealous. Phil, you don't hold a door for a man and then have him go on without you. That's not how doors work. Doors go both ways. That's why they've got two sides.
PHIL I don't think they know we're coming, Dale.
DALE That's exactly the problem.
(A pause.)
DALE Carl. If you're up there. I'd have held it for you.
Scene: training room.
FENWICK Last day, crawler.
DALE Congratulations. Where you going?
FENWICK A pond. A warm rock by a cold pond, on a world with nobody on it.
DALE Will you still watch the show?
FENWICK No.
DALE Respect. A man at the top of his field doesn't need to keep an eye on the competition.
FENWICK One more thing, crawler. Then I'm done giving advice for good.
DALE Shoot.
FENWICK Nobody's watching, crawler. Do it anyway.
(A pause.)
DALE And?
FENWICK That was it.
Sound: pencil scratch.
PHIL Last day. Fenwick looked at Dale with both eyes, which he doesn't usually spend on him. Nobody's watching, do it anyway. I underlined it. Dale nodded like he was thinking about it. He was. I could tell he thought it was wrong.
DALE He's wrong, Phil. Zibb's watching. Fenwick just doesn't keep up with the numbers.
Sound: box lid.
FENWICK For you.
DALE Is that real? It's sharp. Nothing about it is a ladle. Nobody's ever given me a weapon on purpose. Thank you, Fenwick. Does it come with a stand?
(A pause.)
Sound: stamp slam.
DALE Seen. Is that like a club stamp? So you'll let me back in later?
FENWICK Goodbye, crawler. Goodbye, Phil.
Sound: door creak.
DALE He learned your name, Phil. Don't let it go to your head. He was being thorough on his way out.
Scene: guide desk.
ORVA You stamped him. You never stamp them.
FENWICK Last day. I'm using up the ink.
ORVA Seen? He's at the bottom of every board I've got. Nobody's watching that one.
ORVA You told him the thing. The ones who think they're the hero usually aren't even on camera. It's so gloomy.
FENWICK It's not about the camera. It never was.
ORVA I'm going to have Carl's guide's desk in ten seasons. You'll be on your rock.
FENWICK Good. What channel is the robe one?
ORVA The robe one? Nine hundred and something. Why?
FENWICK No reason. Goodbye, Orva.
ORVA You know my name?
FENWICK Last day. I'm using them all up.
Music: tender piano.
Scene: dark zone.
THE MEDIC (whispering) Two blankets and a goblin vest. That should keep the glow in.
DALE It's going to muffle the jingle. People paid for that jingle.
RENATA Nobody paid for that jingle.
DALE Vexmore did. A whole case.
Sound: sneeze.
RENATA (whispering) Phil.
PHIL (whispering) Sorry. It's the vest. I did it into my armpit.
DALE (whispering) That's the bravest thing I've ever seen you do.
RENATA Listen to me. They hunt by sound. If anybody makes a sound, we're done.
DALE Got it. Thumbs up.
Sound: coat shrug.
(A pause.)
DALE I can feel everybody glaring at me.
Sound: creature scurry.
(A pause.)
Sound: rock fall.
THE MEDIC Ow! My ankle. Oh, for the love of...
(A pause.)
Sound: creature howl.
Sound: creature scurry.
RENATA Back! Into the hollow, now!
PHIL Get behind the shield. Get behind me.
DALE Listen to them. They're excited to see us.
RENATA Dale, quiet!
Sound: dial click.
DALE Three clicks. Refreshing, very refreshing, and Torment. The Vexmore man said I'd never need the top one.
DALE Folks, I'm going to be honest. I was going to run anyway. Out the back. Away from the stairs, away from the slow people. And if I'm getting chased, I want it on camera.
PHIL Dale. What are you doing?
DALE Leaving.
Sound: dial click.
Sound: torment hum.
Sound: torment jingle full.
Sound: creature howl.
RENATA They're turning. They're all turning around. Go. Go!
PHIL (shouting) Dale!
RENATA Phil, the stairs. Move!
Music: boss battle.
Sound: running stone.
DALE (out of breath) Puddle. Ceiling. Ceiling again. That's a piece of the robe on that rock. And a piece of me on the same rock.
Scene: zibb couch.
ZIBB (shouting) Run! Run, you idiot! Go!
GRUSK He's going the wrong way.
ZIBB He's going the right way.
GRUSK The stairs are behind him.
ZIBB So is everything else. Grusk. So is everything else.
(A pause.)
GRUSK He's pulling them off.
ZIBB I know.
GRUSK Does he know?
ZIBB I don't think it matters.
GRUSK (shouting) Go, robe man! Go! Faster!
ZIBB You want me to put Carl back on?
GRUSK Touch that remote and I'll eat your tank.
ZIBB Gift. The coupon. One free hug. Note. Run faster. Send.
GRUSK That coupon expired last Tuesday.
ZIBB It's what I've got. Send!
Scene: dark zone.
Sound: running stone.
Sound: fan gift.
DALE A gift? Now? Okay. Good for one free hug. Expired last Tuesday. Run faster.
DALE That's good advice. Zibb's always been a coach at heart.
Sound: creature howl.
Sound: torment jingle full.
DALE (shouting) This way, fellas! Torment! Now with more!
DALE Over here! I'm the bright one!
Sound: running stone.
Scene: dark zone.
Sound: creature scurry.
RENATA We're through. They all went after him. All of them. Phil, sit down a second.
PHIL Get the medics to the stairs. Wait for us.
RENATA Where are you going?
PHIL The other way.
Sound: magic chime.
RENATA What is that?
PHIL Something I bought at the last safe room. Don't tell him what it cost.
RENATA Phil.
PHIL He's never once known where he was going, Renata. Somebody has to.
Sound: torment jingle full.
(A pause.)
Scene: dark zone.
HOLLIS (whispering) One hour behind this rock. Going rate for an hour behind a rock, I'd put at eleven dollars. Each.
DOUG (whispering) Yep.
RANDY (whispering) Yep.
Sound: torment jingle full.
DALE (shouting) This way, fellas! I'm the bright one!
Sound: creature scurry.
Sound: creature howl.
(A pause.)
HOLLIS They're gone. Every one of them got up and followed the singing.
DOUG Is that...
HOLLIS That's my four thousand dollars. Up. We follow it.
RANDY Toward the things?
HOLLIS Behind the things. Out.
DOUG Yep.
Scene: dark zone.
Sound: torment flicker.
Sound: creature howl.
DALE Okay. Stay back. This is a very nice dagger. Fenwick gave it to me. It's real. I'm mainly holding it up so you'll appreciate it.
Sound: torment flicker.
DALE Come on, sign. Don't quit on me. We're in a corner.
(A pause.)
Sound: clang thump.
(A pause.)
Sound: clang thump.
DALE Phil?
Sound: clang thump.
Sound: magic chime.
PHIL Are you okay?
DALE I had them right where I wanted them.
PHIL You were cornered, Dale.
DALE In a corner. Which is where I wanted them.
(A pause.)
DALE Phil. You're not sneezing.
PHIL Allergy amulet. I traded for it at the last safe room. My good pencils and two potions.
DALE You didn't tell me.
PHIL You make shopkeepers nervous.
DALE Only sometimes on purpose.
Sound: achievement chime.
THE AI New achievement! Rear Guard. You drew the hunters off, and your party walked out alive. On purpose, mostly. Reward: one Silver Adventurer Box.
DALE Mostly. They couldn't even give me the whole thing. And Rear Guard is a joke about my behind. Two floors in a bathrobe, Phil. I know a behind joke.
PHIL (gentle) I think that one's real.
DALE They're all real, Phil. That's what makes them hurt.
(A pause.)
DALE You can let go of my hand now. Phil? Okay.
DALE You know that was coaching, all of it. I've been yelling directions at you since floor one. Most of them were wrong, but a coach isn't there to be right. He's there to yell.
PHIL Thanks, Dale.
Scene: dark zone.
Sound: ai announce.
THE AI Attention, crawlers. There are two hundred and
Sound: torment jingle full.
THE AI try to keep it that way.
DALE Phil. It's talking about me. It waited until right after my big run, and then it told me to keep it up.
PHIL It said how many of us are left.
Sound: pencil scratch.
(A pause.)
DALE Right. And then it said me.
Sound: footsteps stone.
HOLLIS Dale.
DALE Hollis? Where'd you come from?
HOLLIS Behind a rock. An hour. Then a big green light went by, singing, and everything that was hunting me got up and went with it. So I followed it too. Out.
DALE That was me. I was the light.
HOLLIS I know it was you. Nobody else would wear that.
(A pause.)
DALE (whispering) Phil. He's working on something. Closest he ever came to thank you was when I gave back his rake.
HOLLIS I appreciate it, Dale. In my way.
DALE You're welcome. It's not every day a man you owe money admits you're good for something.
Sound: pen click.
HOLLIS So. About the four thousand dollars.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: floor two tunnel.
Sound: torment jingle.
DALE Everybody! The timer's ninety seconds and so's my sign! If you hear it again, we missed it!
Sound: countdown tick.
RENATA (shouting) Go! Go, go!
THE MEDIC I'm hopping as fast as I can!
Sound: running stone.
CARL In. Keep going. Keep going.
RENATA Thank you.
THE MEDIC Thank you, sorry, thank you.
CARL You're welcome.
DALE Sorry about him. He's my creditor.
PRINCESS DONUT Oh, no. It's the singing one. Carl, make it stop.
DALE That's my sponsor. It plays every ninety seconds.
PRINCESS DONUT I know exactly how often it plays. Believe me, I know.
CARL Come on, Bathrobe.
(A pause.)
DALE You're welcome.
CARL (sighing) For what?
(A pause.)
CARL Go, man.
Sound: door slam.
Scene: stairwell descent.
DALE Twice, Phil. He said it twice. Twice is a nickname. You can't take a nickname back.
DALE He held the door for me. He waited for me, specifically. He wasn't going to leave without me.
PHIL That's not how I remember it.
DALE How do you remember it?
PHIL He waited for everybody. And everybody was there because of you.
DALE Right. So everybody was waiting for me.
(A pause.)
PHIL Sure, Dale. That's close enough.
Music: tender piano.
DALE Hollis. Hollis, hold up. These stairs are long enough to settle your affairs on.
DALE Here. Half a coconut. We're square on the coconut.
Sound: coconut thunk.
HOLLIS Is this the same half?
DALE It's a different half. But it's the same size. I checked.
HOLLIS Four thousand dollars and four cents. Less eleven cents for the jar. Less four cents, floor two rates. Less half a coconut.
Sound: pencil scratch.
HOLLIS Call it four thousand even. I'm rounding.
DALE Up?
HOLLIS Up. Here.
Sound: slipper crunch.
DALE Is that my slipper? From the gutter? In Seattle? You had this the whole time?
HOLLIS Collateral.
DALE You carried my slipper through two whole floors?
HOLLIS I carry everything you owe me. I'm thorough.
Sound: slipper crunch.
DALE It fits. It's crunchy and it's cold, and it fits. Phil, my feet are even. I didn't know how much I'd been leaning.
PHIL I did.
DALE Four thousand dollars, and that's it. No coconut, no jar, no cents. Just money. That's practically nothing.
Scene: dungeon room.
RENATA Welcome. Probably.
DALE That's a nice doormat. Honest.
Sound: munch.
DALE Hollis, you're eating the payment. That's disrespectful to the payment.
HOLLIS It's my coconut now.
Sound: achievement chime.
THE AI New achievement! Still Here. You reached the third floor in a bathrobe, two slippers and a soft drink advertisement. Our producers have asked us to stop acting surprised. Reward: one Bronze Adventurer Box.
DALE Producers. When producers start asking for things, that's a spinoff.
Scene: zibb couch.
Sound: viewer ping.
GRUSK Twelve. Who are the other ten?
ZIBB Couple of new ones. One's logged in from a pond.
GRUSK Send him something.
ZIBB Note. For your face. It's a clean one. Don't read into it. Send.
Scene: dungeon room.
Sound: fan gift.
Sound: viewer ping.
DALE Twelve, Phil. That's a movement.
PHIL It's twelve, Dale.
DALE Twelve's a jury. Twelve's a dozen. That's how they sell eggs, Phil, and everybody needs eggs.
DALE A clean one. He's never sent me a clean one. Thank you, Zibb. I'm reading into it.
DALE Phil. Here. One free hug.
PHIL Dale, this expired last Tuesday.
DALE It's the thought.
(A pause.)
Sound: coat shrug.
DALE Okay. Okay, Phil.
RENATA He reads the fine print on everything except hugs.
DALE I've been thinking about my name. The Survivor. The Bucket. Robe Warrior, Bathrobe, the People's Crawler, Breaker of Floors, Carl Two. Some of those were very good.
DALE I'm going to just go by Dale. For now. It's already on the menu, and most people can spell it.
PHIL Floor three. Rule one.
DALE Is there a dress code?
Sound: pencil scratch.
DALE You're not crossing it out?
PHIL Not this time.
DALE We make a great team.
Sound: torment jingle.
Music: dcd credits.