A Full-Cast Audio Drama
The script of the full-cast audio drama adapted from Dale Tummins and the Philosopher's Scone. There is no narrator. Scene, sound and music cues are as performed. A free parody by LineCrush. Not affiliated with or endorsed by anyone it pokes fun at. Not for sale.
Music: scone theme.
Scene: laundromat day.
DALE Tummins Consulting presents. Dale Tummins and the Philosopher's Scone. Alive. Starring Dale Tummins.
(A pause.)
DALE Tummins Consulting, notes for the file. Tuesday. Laundry day at the Sudsy Duck, which is the big day. I'm checking the dryers for coins. Number one, nothing. Number two, one sock, alone. I'll find it a new family. Probably mine.
Sound: owl swoop.
DALE (panicked) Nana! Nana, a bird came in the window!
NANA Then shut the window, honey.
Sound: dryer thump.
DALE It went in number four. Nana, it flew in the dryer, and the dryer's running.
NANA Well, open it up. Don't let it go to permanent press.
Sound: dryer door.
Sound: owl dizzy.
NANA Oh, look at that. An owl. That's the fluffiest owl I ever saw.
DALE He's sticking one leg out at me. Nana, I think he wants a tip. I've got a button.
(A pause.)
Sound: owl flap away.
DALE He looked at the button a long time, then he dropped it on the floor and left. So I guess we're square. He left a letter, though. It's warm.
NANA That's the dryer, honey.
DALE Dear Mister Tummins. Frogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is holding a seat for you. Please be on the train by September the first. Then there's a lot more, but the dryer got to it.
Music: sting magic.
DALE Nana. Guess what. I'm a wizard.
NANA That's nice, honey.
DALE I'm not surprised. I've suspected it for years. The vending machine at the bus station gave me two sodas for the price of one. And one time I wished really hard for the bus, and about forty minutes later, there it was.
NANA That's just the schedule, honey.
DALE The schedule never came when I didn't wish.
NANA Grab the other end of this sheet.
DALE That's the fitted sheet. You've been folding that sheet since I was six.
NANA And one day I'll get it.
Sound: sneeze.
PHIL (muffled) Dale? Dale, are you there?
DALE That's Phil Brumley, through the wall. He's my best friend. He's allergic to almost everything. What is it, Phil?
PHIL (muffled) An owl came in our kitchen. I got a letter too. I think I'm a wizard.
DALE I know. That's fine. They probably sent you one so I've got somebody to carry my stuff.
PHIL (muffled) I understand.
Sound: sneeze.
DALE He'll do that for about twenty minutes. I'll take it as a yes.
(A pause.)
Sound: iron steam.
DALE Nana, there's a second page. It's the supply list. I'm going to read it to you.
NANA I'm ironing, honey. Go ahead.
DALE Robes, black, three, with no writing on them. Does no writing include Tummins Consulting? On the back, for advertising?
NANA That's nice, honey.
DALE One pointed hat, for daytime. What does a wizard wear at night?
NANA I'd guess pajamas.
DALE That makes sense. A pointed hat in bed's a good way to lose an eye, and it'd probably be your own. Gloves, fireproof, dragon-rated or similar. Are oven mitts similar?
NANA Pretty close.
DALE So if a dragon ever comes at me, at least I can take a hot dish away from it. Books. A Beginner's Guide to Spells, Mostly Safe. One Thousand Mushrooms and Which Ones Not to Lick. Potions for the Nervous. Which one's got the answers in the back?
NANA I always thought that was the teacher.
DALE Sit near the teacher. Got it. One wand. It doesn't say what kind. Would a stick do?
NANA I don't think so, honey.
DALE I'm bringing a stick anyway, as a backup. A man in my line of work carries a backup. Students may also bring an owl, a cat, a toad, or similar. Or similar. Nana, it doesn't say similar to what.
NANA Mm hm.
DALE A regular kid would miss that. A consultant reads the fine print, and then he reads it again, slower, with his finger. And the last line. No first-year brings a broom.
NANA You don't have a broom.
DALE You've got one in the kitchen.
NANA I'm not done with it.
DALE Note for the file. Use somebody else's.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: bus ride.
THE WITCH Frogwarts transport. Muddle-born first-years, all six of you, on this bus, to London. Sit down. Don't touch the windows, don't touch each other, and don't touch me.
DALE Excuse me, ma'am. Dale Tummins, Tummins Consulting. How long have you been doing this?
THE WITCH Twenty-two years.
DALE How many kids have you lost?
THE WITCH Four. Three of them turned up later.
DALE That's a strong number. Can I ask about the business side of magic? Who handles the money?
THE WITCH Goblins.
DALE Is there a commission? Is there a ladder you climb? Who do I talk to about a ladder?
(A pause.)
DALE (whispering) Are you asleep?
THE WITCH Yes.
Sound: sneeze.
PHIL Sorry. It's your hat. It's wool.
THE WITCH It's my hat.
Sound: bus stop.
THE WITCH Everybody off. This is it. The Leaky Kettle.
PHIL (whispering) Dale, people are walking right past it. They don't even look at it. That's magic.
DALE More likely it's the paint.
Scene: pub.
Sound: door creak.
DALE (whispering) Phil. Everybody in here is about two hundred years old. And that man in the corner is asleep, and his hat is smoking.
PHIL (whispering) Should we tell somebody?
DALE Nobody else is worried. I'm not going to be the new guy who worries.
Sound: door bang.
HAGGARD Mind the door. Sorry. Sorry, coming through. He's with me.
Sound: pub hush.
DALE (whispering) Phil. The biggest man I've ever seen just came in. He had to duck. And there's a thin kid behind him.
(A pause.)
AN OLD MAN It's him. It's really him. Can I shake your hand, son?
A WOMAN (crying) Oh, bless you. Bless you, dear. I'm getting back in line.
DALE (whispering) Phil. Everybody's lining up to shake hands with that thin kid. The one with the glasses.
PHIL (whispering) Dale, I think that's...
DALE It's the local custom. When in London, you shake hands with everybody. Come on.
PHIL That's the wrong end of the line.
DALE Then I'll face the other way and shake everybody coming toward me. Hello. Dale Tummins. Hello. Tummins Consulting. Good evening.
A MAN Do I know you?
DALE Not yet. That's the point.
GOBLIN Get your hand off me.
DALE Firm grip. I respect that. Hello, sir with the smoking hat.
AN OLD WIZARD (sleepy) Hm? Oh. Pleased to meet you. Here you go, lad. For your trouble.
Sound: coin single.
DALE (whispering) Phil. He thinks I work here.
PHIL (whispering) You should tell him you don't.
DALE (whispering) You don't correct a man while he's paying you.
Sound: door creak.
DALE Hey, where'd the thin kid go?
HAGGARD He's gone on out the back. Here, you want one too? There you go. Gently does it.
DALE He shook my hand like he was holding an egg. Now he's carrying the thin kid's big lumpy bag, and the thin kid isn't carrying anything at all. Phil, some kids need a giant just to go shopping.
PHIL Dale, look at your coin. It's gold. I think that's a lot of money.
DALE It's going in my sock. One day in London and I've got a job. I just don't know where.
Scene: diagonal alley.
THE WITCH Through the back, through the wall, and stay together. This is Diagonal Alley.
DALE Is there a Straight Alley somewhere?
THE WITCH I've never looked.
Scene: bank hall.
DALE Phil, this is the bank. Ringgotts. Read what's carved over the doors.
PHIL Thief, we know your name. We always know. Whatever you take, we will take back, with a fee.
DALE That's beautiful. They didn't have to put a welcome poem over the door, and they did. It doesn't rhyme, but you can tell they mean every word. And they post their fees up front. In my line of work, you respect that.
GOBLIN Next.
DALE Good afternoon. I've got an envelope here from my Nana. It's Muddle money she saved in a coffee can, for my education. And a note. It says, Be good, honey.
Sound: coins count.
GOBLIN Gold is Gallons. Silver is Pickles. Bronze is Nuts. Twenty-three Pickles to the Gallon, thirty-one Nuts to the Pickle, except on Thursdays.
DALE (whispering) Those are the kind of numbers that make your ears shut. Got it. Is that your best rate?
(A pause.)
Sound: coin single.
DALE You took one Nut back.
GOBLIN Is that your best question?
DALE I'll stop there. You don't want to haggle a man all the way down to nothing. I'd also like to open an account. Here's my deposit.
GOBLIN That is a button.
DALE It's got four holes. An owl turned it down once, so it's been around.
GOBLIN The minimum deposit is more than a button.
DALE It's a very old button. It's been in a dryer.
GOBLIN Next.
Scene: diagonal alley.
DALE Phil, I've never been rich before. Walk slower, so people can see.
Sound: coin single.
DALE I tipped the door goblin a Nut.
GOBLIN Take it back.
Sound: coin single.
DALE That's how rich I am.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: wand shop.
Sound: shop bell.
DALE Olliphant's. Fine wands, it says. Not cheap ones, fine ones. Phil, that's a good sign.
MR. OLLIPHANT In this shop, young man, the wands do the shopping. You just stand there.
DALE That's fine. There's a red one in your window, and I'd like it to pick me.
MR. OLLIPHANT The wands. Do. The shopping. Your friend goes first.
PHIL Me? Okay. I'll just give it a little wave.
Sound: magic chime.
MR. OLLIPHANT That one. Do you smell toast?
PHIL I do.
Sound: sneeze.
PHIL Sorry. That was a happy one.
MR. OLLIPHANT Now you. Give it a wave.
Sound: wand blast.
MR. OLLIPHANT No.
Sound: fire whoosh.
MR. OLLIPHANT (calm) No. Excuse me while I put out my sleeve with my other sleeve.
Sound: glass crack.
DALE Your window cracked. And a pigeon fell off your sign. It's fine. It got up. It's walking.
Sound: magic poof.
MR. OLLIPHANT You have turned the umbrella stand into a slightly smaller umbrella stand. No.
DALE Fifth time's the charm.
Sound: shelves collapse.
(A pause.)
DALE Mister Olliphant? The lamp hit the ladder, and the ladder hit the shelves, and the shelves hit the other shelves, and they all came down on the counter. You're under the counter. Are you all right down there?
MR. OLLIPHANT (muffled) Hm.
DALE Note for the file. Eyebrows, singed. One shoe, smoking. One splinter, one paper cut from a box, and a pigeon bite on the ankle. The pigeon came back in to see what was going on. None of it bothers me. I've been bitten by a pigeon at the park, and that one wasn't even magic.
Sound: clock six.
MR. OLLIPHANT Six o'clock. Here. Don't read the label. Wave it.
(A pause.)
DALE Nothing happened. I'll wave harder.
(A pause.)
DALE Nothing happened again, but faster.
MR. OLLIPHANT (excited) Perfect. Five Gallons. Goodnight.
Sound: shop bell.
DALE He had my money and his coat on before I'd even finished waving. Then he held the door for me. That's the fastest anybody's ever done business with me. I'm taking it as a sign of respect.
Scene: diagonal alley.
DALE Watch this, Phil. The lamppost.
(A pause.)
DALE Now you.
PHIL (scared) Don't point it at me.
(A pause.)
PHIL Dale, I don't think it does anything.
DALE Phil. That's what you call subtle. Some wands show off. Mine waits.
Scene: pet shop.
PET SHOP MAN Owls are forty Gallons. You're not just buying a bird, you know. You're hiring an employee.
PHIL I'm allergic to owls.
Sound: sneeze.
PHIL And cats. And toads. I didn't know about toads until just now.
DALE The list says an owl, a cat, a toad, or similar. I'd like to see your similar.
PET SHOP MAN Clearance tank. In the back.
DALE There's a snail in it. He's trying to climb out.
PET SHOP MAN He's been at it since Tuesday.
DALE I like his drive. How much?
PET SHOP MAN Two Nuts.
DALE Does that include the shell?
PET SHOP MAN The shell is the snail.
DALE Then that's a pretty good deal. Sold, before you think it over. I'm naming him Lightning.
PHIL That's a lot of name for a snail.
DALE You've got to give a snail something to aim for. Nobody ever got fast being called Snail. What are you getting?
PHIL This. It's a picture of a goldfish, in a little frame. It's the only pet in here that lets me keep my eyes open.
DALE What's his name?
PHIL It's a picture.
DALE Phil. Everybody deserves a name.
Scene: bus ride.
(A pause.)
PHIL Goldfish.
DALE What?
PHIL I've been thinking about it the whole way home. His name is Goldfish.
DALE That's not very imaginative. A good name for a fish is Thunder. Here's our stop.
Sound: bus stop.
DALE (panicked) Phil. My pocket's empty. Lightning's not in it.
Scene: city street.
(A pause.)
DALE (out of breath) An hour. We looked for an hour. And there he is, four inches from where he started. You can't take your eyes off him for a second.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: bedroom night.
DALE (whispering) Lightning, listen to this. It's from my history book. When Larry Spotter was a baby, the worst dark wizard of all time tried to finish him off, and somehow he couldn't do it. The dark wizard's name was Lord Moldevort, and the book asks you very nicely not to say it. Lord Moldevort. Lord Moldevort. Lord Moldevort.
Sound: wall bang.
NANA (muffled) Dale.
DALE (whispering) Sorry, Nana. Everybody calls him the Boy Who Lasted. And all he got out of it was a scar on his forehead, shaped like a bolt of lightning. One scar, and he's in a book.
NANA (muffled) Go to sleep, honey.
DALE (whispering) I've done plenty of lasting. I lasted through chicken pox, a goose at the park and a whole winter of cabbage soup. Nobody wrote that down. You know what the difference is, Lightning? The scar. If you want people to notice you, it's got to be right on your face.
Sound: light switch.
DALE (whispering) Nana's laundry marker. It says permanent on the side, but I always figured that was bragging.
Sound: marker squeak.
DALE (whispering) A lightning bolt. Nice and big, with a lot of zig in it. That looks great. In the mirror. Wait. A mirror does everything backward.
(A pause.)
DALE (whispering) It's a Z. Well. Z's a strong letter. It starts zebra. I'll scrub it a little, to make sure it holds.
Sound: scrubbing.
DALE (whispering) It held. Permanent turned out to be true. New name. The Boy Who Also Lasted. It's a little long for a T-shirt, but I'll just get a bigger shirt.
Scene: kitchen morning.
DALE Morning, Nana. Notice anything different?
Sound: coffee sip.
(A pause.)
NANA That's nice, honey.
Sound: iron steam.
NANA Nap sandwiches, for the train. Warm milk bread and honey, a little chamomile in the middle, and you press the whole thing flat with the iron.
DALE One of those, and you're asleep before the second stop. I've never seen a second stop.
NANA A sleeping boy can't get in trouble on a bus. Twelve sandwiches. For the trip, and for making friends.
DALE I don't need help making friends.
NANA Fourteen.
Scene: train station.
DALE Platform Nine. Platform Ten. And in between, a brick wall and a man selling newspapers. Excuse me. Where's Platform Nine and Five-Eighths?
A MAN There isn't one. Never has been.
DALE Then you're in the wrong business. I'd move over to Platform Nine and a Half. Nobody's there either, but it sounds busier.
A MOTHER Straight at it, dear, and keep going. Off you go. Next. Straight at it.
Sound: magic whoosh.
PHIL (whispering) Dale. That lady's sending her kids at the wall, one at a time, and they're gone.
DALE There's a line. There's a thin kid in front, with messy hair. He's turning around to check the clock. Phil. Look at his forehead.
PHIL It's a lightning bolt.
DALE I've worn mine a whole week, and he's already copying it. Phil, that kid's got my scar.
PHIL Dale, that's Larry Spotter. You copied him.
DALE That's exactly what he wants you to think. I'm not standing in line behind a copycat. I'll pick my own wall. That one, a little to the left. Eyes shut. Straight at it, and keep going.
Sound: cart run.
Sound: wall crash.
(A pause.)
PHIL Dale? Are you okay?
DALE That was a different wall. That wall wasn't magic at all. I lost a tooth.
PHIL Oh no.
DALE It's a baby tooth. It was loose anyway, so in a way the wall did me a favor. I bent my cart, and the sandwiches got a little flatter. Nana says that's how they work best.
PHIL It's the one everybody keeps walking into, Dale. That one.
DALE Fine.
Sound: magic whoosh.
Scene: platform steam.
Sound: train whistle.
PHIL It felt like nothing at all, going through.
DALE A big red train. Steam everywhere, and owls and trunks and kids. Phil, for the record, I was testing the walls.
PHIL I understand.
DALE Somebody's got to.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: train compartment.
DALE Good afternoon. Dale Tummins, Tummins Consulting. And you are?
HOLLIS Hollis Brandt. Second year.
DALE A fellow businessman. I can tell. That's a nice broom up on the rack, Hollis. Wrapped in a blanket, just the bristles poking out. In my line of work, you notice bristles.
HOLLIS It isn't here.
Sound: pencil scratch.
DALE I happen to be a consultant. I could check its balance for you. A broom like that can come out of the box crooked, and you'd never know until you're upside down over a lake.
(A pause.)
HOLLIS You'll bring it back.
DALE Of course. That's what checking is.
HOLLIS When.
DALE When it's balanced.
Sound: pencil scratch.
DALE (whispering) He went back to his notebook. I'm taking that as a signed contract.
Sound: compartment door.
PHIL Dale, whose broom is that?
DALE A client's. Hold still. I'm going to balance it on you.
Sound: sneeze.
PHIL It's the straw.
DALE It's got a lot of balance. Three Pickles, for the checking. I'm writing the bill on the back of my ticket. Phil, look down the corridor. Hollis is standing outside his compartment, watching our door and writing in his notebook. Now he's writing something under it. A little longer. I'll give him a thumbs up.
Sound: pencil scratch.
DALE He wrote that down too. It's nice to finally work with somebody who keeps good records.
Sound: trolley rattle.
TROLLEY LADY Snacks for the journey, loves! Pumpkin pasties, Burty Blott's Every Flavor Beans, Chocolate Toads.
DALE One Chocolate Toad, please. It comes with a card, and you want the collectible.
Sound: wrapper.
DALE It's the headmaster. Albert Bumblemore, long silver beard, little half-moon glasses. He's waving at me. Now he's walked out of the picture. Phil, a card with nobody on it has got to be pretty rare.
PHIL I think he comes back.
DALE Not if I sell it first. I'm eating half the toad and saving the other half. You never know when you'll need half a toad.
Sound: compartment door.
DALE (whispering) It's the copycat. Larry Spotter. Well. I don't hold a grudge when there's money involved.
DALE Good afternoon. Dale Tummins, of Tummins Consulting. Wow. Did you two buy the whole cart?
LON Yeah. Well, he did.
DALE Today I'm offering a very rare Albert Bumblemore.
LARRY Oh. Sorry. I've already got him. Three of him, actually.
DALE Yours are all still in the picture.
LARRY Here. Have a pumpkin pasty anyway.
DALE Thank you. Let's shake on it, to make it official. And you might notice I've got one too. Right here.
LON That's a Z, mate.
DALE It's a lightning bolt.
LON It's a Z.
Sound: compartment door.
DALE (whispering) I just looked in the dark train window. It's a Z. It's been a Z all week, and nobody told me, except Nana, who said it was nice. But that's okay. Z comes last, and nobody comes after it. Nobody comes after Z.
Sound: compartment door.
(A pause.)
Sound: toad croak.
DALE Phil, a toad came in under the door. He's sitting on my shoe. I'm naming him the Associate and giving him a corner of my seat.
Sound: compartment door.
HARMONY Hello, I'm Harmony Grainger, has anyone seen a toad? A boy named Nevin's lost his, and he's very upset, and I've checked nine compartments, and this one is the tenth.
DALE Sorry, I didn't catch your name. Just the hair. I've got a toad. He's for sale.
HARMONY That one belongs to Nevin. His name's Kevin.
DALE His name's the Associate. He came in on his own. He's been with the firm since lunch. But I'd let him go for a finder's fee of five Nuts.
HARMONY You can't charge somebody for his own toad. There's a rule about that somewhere, probably, and I'm going to look it up.
DALE I like you. Anybody who'd look up a rule about a toad is somebody you could build a business on. I'm starting a firm, Tummins Consulting. I could use a partner who knows the rules.
HARMONY No.
DALE You haven't heard the terms.
HARMONY No.
Sound: compartment door.
Sound: sneeze.
DALE Phil, don't take it so hard. She turned me down too, and you don't see me sneezing. Bushy hair. Talks fast. I'm putting her down as a maybe.
Music: sting comic.
Sound: train brakes.
Scene: lake night.
HAGGARD First-years! First-years, over here! Follow the lamp!
DALE (shouting) Hey! It's me! From the pub!
HAGGARD Er. Hello. Everybody this way, and mind the mud.
DALE (whispering) Phil, he held the lamp right up to my face. That's recognition.
PHIL (whispering) You were in front.
DALE (whispering) I pushed.
Sound: mud squelch.
PHIL Why are you walking like that?
DALE (whispering) I've got Hollis's broom down the inside of my robe. I didn't get a chance to give it back. He went off with the older kids, and also, when the train stopped, I happened to be hiding in the bathroom. You've got to keep one leg very straight.
PHIL You look like somebody trying not to sneeze.
HAGGARD Four to a boat! In you get!
DALE Who's the captain of each boat?
HAGGARD There isn't one. They know the way.
DALE Note for the file. Boats need captains.
Sound: boats glide.
Music: wonder.
(A pause.)
Sound: kids ooh.
DALE The castle. Way up high on the cliff, and every window lit. Phil, a castle like that deserves a captain.
PHIL Dale, sit down.
DALE A captain doesn't sit. One foot up on the front of the boat. A salute. And now both arms, so the castle can see me from far off.
Sound: splash small.
PHIL (panicked) Dale, your robe!
DALE The broom! It's floating! I've got it, I've almost got it.
PHIL I've got you! I've got your robe!
Sound: bubbles sink.
(A pause.)
DALE It went in bristles first, straight down. I always figured a lake was about as deep as a bathtub. Maybe two bathtubs. That's how they look from the top.
Sound: tentacle rise.
PHIL (whispering) Dale. Dale, what is that?
DALE It's a tentacle. About as thick as a drainpipe. It's dripping. And it's waving at me.
(A pause.)
DALE I'm waving back. It pays to be friendly with the locals, especially when they've got your broom.
Sound: tentacle sink.
(A pause.)
PHIL (whispering) Dale. Whose broom was that?
DALE Hollis's. But he wasn't using it.
(A pause.)
DALE Lakes are deeper than they look.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: great hall.
DALE (whispering) Phil. The ceiling looks exactly like the night sky.
PREFECT It's enchanted, first-year.
DALE That's a relief. Otherwise you'd want an umbrella at dinner. And there's about a thousand candles floating in the air. I'm standing under one, to see if it drips.
(A pause.)
DALE Ow. It drips. I'll sit somewhere else.
Sound: stool set.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Quiet, please. First-years, when I call your name, you will come forward, sit on the stool and put on the hat.
DALE (whispering) Phil, look at that hat. Patched and frayed. It's been through the dryer too many times. I know a hat like that. You don't throw it out. You let it run things.
Sound: hat snort.
THE SNORTING HAT Another year. Another hall full of heads. Gruffindoor, for the brave. Slitherwin, for the sly. Ravenpaw, for the clever. And Snufflepuff, for everybody else, who are all very nice.
Sound: hat snort.
DALE (whispering) Is that the end of the song, or the start of a cold?
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Aldridge, Penny.
(A pause.)
THE SNORTING HAT Ravenpaw!
Sound: polite clap.
DALE (whispering) I'm going to count the candles. One. Two. Three. Four.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Brumley, Phil.
DALE (whispering) Thirty. Thirty-one. Thirty-two.
Sound: sneeze.
Sound: hat sneeze.
THE SNORTING HAT Snufflepuff!
Sound: polite clap.
DALE (whispering) Two hundred and six. Two hundred and seven.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Dimble, Oscar.
(A pause.)
DALE (whispering) What's taking so long?
A GIRL (whispering) It's thinking.
DALE About what? Somebody's got to hurry it along. Some of us were born knowing.
THE SNORTING HAT Slitherwin!
(A pause.)
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Spotter, Larry.
Sound: hall hush.
DALE (whispering) Everybody's leaning in. Even the teachers. From back here, all I can see is the tip of the hat.
(A pause.)
THE SNORTING HAT Gruffindoor!
Sound: hall cheer.
DALE The Gruffindoor table's going wild. They're whistling and banging their goblets, and a couple of tall red-haired kids are chanting something. I figure they're warming up.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Tummins, Dale.
Sound: hall cheer.
DALE They're still cheering. You don't let a crowd like that go to waste. A bow to the left. A bow to the right. And a little one to the teachers, so they don't feel left out.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Sit. Down.
Sound: hat on.
DALE (whispering) It's dark in here. It smells like an attic. Psst. Hat. Put me in Gruffindoor, and you get ten percent of Tummins Consulting.
Sound: hat snort.
THE SNORTING HAT (whispering) Ten percent of what?
DALE (whispering) It's a growing firm.
THE SNORTING HAT Hmm.
Sound: hat sneeze.
THE SNORTING HAT Snufflepuff!
Sound: polite clap.
DALE The hat sneezed on me. Nobody sneezes on just anybody. You only sneeze on somebody you feel comfortable with. I'm giving the table a little wave, so they know I plan to go easy on them.
PHIL Dale! Over here! I got Snufflepuff too. Back in the Bs.
DALE I missed it.
PHIL You were counting candles.
DALE Note for the file. New name. Dale the Sorted. It's short, and it's true.
PHIL Nobody's going to call you that.
DALE It's early.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: great hall.
Sound: feast appear.
DALE Phil! The plates! They were empty, and now there's food on them. Nobody carried it in. Who's paying for all this?
PHIL It's included.
DALE Included in what?
PHIL In going here.
(A pause.)
DALE I've never been included in anything before.
PHIL Dale, what are you doing?
DALE A wizard robe has a lot of pockets, Phil, and now I know why. Left pocket, two chicken legs and a roll. Right pocket, roast potatoes, wrapped in a napkin, for professionalism.
PHIL Dale, they'll feed us again tomorrow.
DALE So they say. Then one day they don't, and who's got a chicken leg?
PHIL Is that gravy on your sleeve?
DALE The gravy stays on the plate. A man's got to draw a line somewhere.
PHIL You tried, though.
DALE I tried.
Sound: glass ting.
BUMBLEMORE Welcome, every one of you, to Frogwarts! I've prepared a speech. Here it is. Gravy! Ladder! Wednesday! Hooray!
Sound: hall applause.
DALE (whispering) I'm clapping with one hand and keeping the other on my pocket. That could be a code for searching us. And Phil, that's the man who walked off my card. So this is where he went. My card's worth less now.
Sound: glass ting.
BUMBLEMORE (calm) And one more thing. The third-floor corridor, on the left-hand side, is off limits this year. To everyone. For any reason at all. Thank you.
DALE (whispering) Phil. Pen. I'm writing it on my hand. Third floor. Left-hand side.
PHIL He said to stay out.
DALE Phil, this castle's got hundreds of hallways, and out of all of them he picked one. He even gave us the floor and the side. When a man that old points you at one particular corridor, he's telling you where the good stuff is.
PHIL He said to stay out.
DALE At a fancy school, that's how they recommend things. Nobody wants to brag.
Sound: ghost whoosh.
MOSTLY HEADLESS MICK Good evening, new Gruffindoors! Would anybody care to see my neck?
Sound: head flop.
Sound: kids scream.
DALE That's the Gruffindoor ghost, Mostly Headless Mick. His head's only mostly attached, and he just flipped it open sideways, like a lunchbox. I'm giving him a little applause. From one professional to another.
Sound: small clap.
PHIL (sad) I'm not hungry anymore. Possibly for the year.
DALE Then I'll take your potatoes. Right pocket. To be supportive.
Sound: feast appear.
DALE (excited) Pudding! Good thing I saved room in my hat.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: castle corridor.
PREFECT Snufflepuff first-years, this way. Down the stairs and past the kitchens. Keep up.
DALE Phil, smell that. We're right next to the kitchens. Snufflepuff's the best house at Frogwarts. I worked that out by smell.
PREFECT Here we are. The door's round, and there's no handle. The password is Patience.
(A pause.)
DALE Nothing's happening.
PREFECT It waits about a minute before it opens. It's meant to teach us something.
DALE I already learned it. You can skip that part for me.
(A pause.)
Sound: round door.
PREFECT Sixty seconds. It didn't skip anything for you.
Scene: common room.
DALE Everything in here is round. The windows are round. The armchairs are round. Even the rugs are round, so nobody can tell where to start sweeping, and nobody does. Phil, I've never felt so at home.
Sound: sneeze.
DALE Phil. That badger over the fireplace is paint.
PHIL I know. I'm allergic to the idea of him.
PREFECT Snufflepuffs are loyal, hard-working, fair and patient.
DALE I've got most of those. I'm loyal to anybody who's loyal to me first. I'm fair whenever it comes out even. And I'm patient with everything that isn't a door.
PHIL What about hard-working?
DALE Three out of four's a strong showing. Nobody likes a show-off.
Sound: ghost whoosh.
THE FLAT FRIAR Hello, hello! Welcome to Snufflepuff, all of you! I'm the Flat Friar. Any questions?
DALE You're very flat. From the side, you look like a picture of yourself. Can you go through the kitchen wall and bring things back?
THE FLAT FRIAR Things fall right through me, I'm afraid.
DALE Even small things? Like a roll?
THE FLAT FRIAR (laughing) Goodnight, goodnight, all!
Sound: ghost whoosh.
DALE He went through a bookcase. I'll ask him again after he's eaten something.
Scene: dorm night.
Sound: quill scratch.
DALE (whispering) Dear Nana. I got here. I'm in Snufflepuff, which is the best house, because the hat sneezed on me, and you don't sneeze on just anybody. Phil's here too. He's allergic to the badger.
DALE (whispering) So far I've got a job, a gold coin, a wand that's subtle, and a lead on a corridor. The food is included. I've got some of it in my pocket, if you want me to mail it. Lightning says hi. I can't find Lightning.
DALE (whispering) Love, Dale. Oh, Nana, one more thing. I'm the Boy Who Also Lasted now. Nobody's calling me that yet.
Scene: great hall.
Sound: owl swoop.
Sound: box plop.
PHIL Dale. An owl just dropped a box in your porridge.
DALE It's from Nana. Nap sandwiches. Warm milk bread, honey and chamomile. And a note. One box every week, honey. Sleep tight. I'm reading it twice, as a contract. It holds up.
Sound: munch.
(A pause.)
DALE (sleepy) Phil. Wake me up for lunch.
Sound: snore.
(A pause.)
PHIL Dale. Dale, it's lunch.
DALE (sleepy) Best house in the school.
Scene: castle corridor.
SIR POMEROY Oh good. Another one.
DALE Sorry, sir. Were you talking to me?
SIR POMEROY I'm afraid so.
DALE Dale Tummins. Consultant. Nobody's ever been glad to see another one of me before. Mostly people ask for fewer.
SIR POMEROY I'm sure.
Sound: horse snort.
PHIL (whispering) Dale, I think he wants us to go away.
DALE He's overwhelmed, Phil. A man needs a minute.
(A pause.)
DALE Morning, Sir Pomeroy.
SIR POMEROY You again.
(A pause.)
DALE Morning, Sir Pomeroy.
SIR POMEROY Still here, then.
(A pause.)
DALE I'm just looking at your brushstrokes. Up close. Real close.
SIR POMEROY Mind the frame.
DALE Phil, did you hear that? Mind the frame. You don't say that to just anybody. That's a personal thing to say.
PHIL I think he meant it the regular way.
DALE Sir Pomeroy, painted people never get autographs, because nobody thinks to ask. So I'm asking. Where do you want it?
SIR POMEROY Please don't.
DALE I can do it small. In the corner, by the horse.
SIR POMEROY Please. Don't.
DALE When a fan asks you twice, you respect it. I'll sign the wall next to you instead. Low down, so you'll see it if you lean.
Sound: pencil scratch.
SIR POMEROY (sighing) How lovely.
PHIL That was a sigh, Dale. A sigh's just air.
DALE It's his air, Phil. And he's sending it my way.
Scene: broom cupboard.
Sound: door creak.
Sound: sneeze.
MR. DIBBS Kid.
DALE Is this lost-and-found?
MR. DIBBS Mostly.
DALE I lost a snail. Lightning. He's fast, for a snail.
MR. DIBBS Shelf behind me. Nine snails, one toad, a roller skate, and a jar of teeth. Various. Don't touch the teeth.
DALE None of those snails is Lightning. None of them look like they're going anywhere. How long have you worked here, Mister Dibbs?
MR. DIBBS About a hundred years.
DALE Ever think about moving up? Maybe a closet with a window?
MR. DIBBS I'm retiring in two weeks.
DALE How long have you been retiring in two weeks?
MR. DIBBS Don't you start.
Sound: dust crumble.
MR. DIBBS Listen, kid. Go to class. Keep your head down. This castle is a lot older than your problems.
DALE That's good advice. Can I sell the lost things? They're lost, Mister Dibbs. The stuff obviously wants a fresh start. I'd go sixty forty with you. Sixty for me, because I'd be doing the walking.
(A pause.)
MR. DIBBS Kid. The ones who think it's their story are usually not even in the picture.
Sound: pencil scratch.
PHIL (whispering) Could you say that one again? Slower?
MR. DIBBS No.
DALE You mean Larry Spotter.
(A pause.)
Sound: dust crumble.
DALE (whispering) Phil. He means the scar kid. Everybody's always staring at him, and somebody finally said it.
PHIL I underlined part of it. Twice.
DALE Which part?
PHIL I'm saving it.
Scene: castle corridor.
Sound: footsteps stone.
MR. DIBBS Evening, Pomeroy.
SIR POMEROY Dibbs. Still alive, then.
MR. DIBBS Two more weeks.
SIR POMEROY You said that the year they hung me.
MR. DIBBS Kid of yours came by. Wanted to sell my snails.
SIR POMEROY The one with the Z.
MR. DIBBS That's him. Says he's a consultant.
SIR POMEROY He signed my wall.
MR. DIBBS He'll sign a lot of walls before he's done.
SIR POMEROY Oh good.
Scene: dorm night.
(A pause.)
DALE (sleepy) Phil. Something's moving in my hair.
PHIL (sleepy) Mm.
DALE (whispering) It's Lightning. He's been in my hair the whole time. Since Tuesday. Lost and found, Phil. I handled it myself.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: dungeon class.
PHIL (whispering) Dale, I'm allergic to three of those jars. Through the glass.
DALE (whispering) Back home, a dungeon is where you get sent for punishment. This is just a basement with an attitude.
Sound: door bang.
Sound: hall hush.
PROFESSOR SNIPE Sit. I am Professor Snipe. In this room, things melt, things explode, and now and then something sings. You will touch none of them until I say so. Roll call.
DALE (whispering) He's got the face of a man who smelled something. I'm checking my pockets. No, the chicken's fine.
PROFESSOR SNIPE Brumley.
PHIL Here.
PROFESSOR SNIPE Grainger. Longbottle. Malfoil. Spotter.
(A pause.)
PROFESSOR SNIPE Ah. Mister Spotter. We have all heard so very much about you, every summer, whether we wanted to or not. And I must say
Sound: cauldron hiss.
Sound: kids giggle.
DALE Ha. Ha ha.
PHIL (whispering) What did he say?
DALE (whispering) No idea. The Slitherwins laughed, so you laugh too. You want to be part of it.
PROFESSOR SNIPE Tummins.
DALE Here! Present. Ready.
PROFESSOR SNIPE One word is plenty. Mister Spotter. Name for me the one thing a careful brewer never stirs into
Sound: cauldron hiss.
LARRY I'm not sure, sir.
DALE (whispering) I know that one, Phil. I don't know what it is. But I can feel that I know it. Hand up.
PROFESSOR SNIPE No? Then perhaps you can tell me, Mister Spotter, which of these jars turns blue when
Sound: cauldron hiss.
LARRY No idea, sir. Sorry.
DALE (whispering) That's a waste of a front-row seat. Both hands up.
PHIL (whispering) Dale, put your arms down. You look like you're being robbed.
DALE (whispering) Enthusiastically. I'm being robbed enthusiastically.
(A pause.)
PROFESSOR SNIPE Who. Is that.
DALE Dale Tummins, sir. Snufflepuff. I'd like to field that one.
PROFESSOR SNIPE Nobody asked you anything. Five points from Snufflepuff. For the hand.
DALE Which hand?
(A pause.)
PROFESSOR SNIPE Hiccup cure. Page nine. Begin.
Sound: chalk scratch.
(A pause.)
PHIL Mine's pale blue. Like the picture in the book. Is that right?
DALE Mine's more of a pond. A pond's a color too, Phil. Frogs live in it. Does yours bubble like this?
PHIL Dale, step back.
DALE Why? It's just
Sound: magic poof.
(A pause.)
PHIL (nervous) Dale. Your eyebrows.
DALE Give me that spoon.
(A pause.)
DALE Green. Both of them. Phil, there are thirty kids in this room, and I'm the only one with green eyebrows. You can't buy that kind of standing out.
PHIL Do they hurt?
DALE They're a little crunchy.
Sound: footsteps stone.
DALE Phil, before we go. Read me the corner of the board. The small writing. Out loud.
PHIL Snufflepuff, minus five. Tummins.
DALE Again.
PHIL Snufflepuff, minus five. Tummins.
DALE First week, and I'm on the board. My name, in chalk, by a teacher. And Phil, I've thought it over. It was the left hand. The right one was just keeping it company.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: lecture hall.
DALE Who's a good kitty? You are. Square markings round the eyes. That's a sharp look for a cat. Right behind the ears. There it is.
Sound: cat meow.
Sound: magic poof.
Sound: kids giggle.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Mister Tummins.
(A pause.)
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Sit. Down.
DALE Yes, ma'am. Good kitty.
(A pause.)
DALE (whispering) Phil, that second part came out by itself. In my line of work, you don't want to meet a client from under her chin.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Matchstick to needle. Wand steady, mind clear, and you will picture the needle, every part of it, before you so much as twitch. Begin.
DALE I don't need the picture. My wand does nothing. It's the subtlest kind going.
(A pause.)
DALE Nothing yet. It's thinking it over.
(A pause.)
DALE Still thinking. All right. Everything I've got.
Sound: wand bonk.
A BOY Ow.
DALE Sorry! That's my wand. Are you okay?
A BOY I'm fine. Mostly.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Good work, Mister Brumley. A real needle. With an eye in it.
DALE Thank you.
(A pause.)
DALE We sit together. It's a team result.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Five points to Snufflepuff. For Mister Brumley. And Mister Tummins, what have you got there?
DALE It's bent, and the red tip rubbed off, so it'll never light again. I turned a matchstick into a worse matchstick, ma'am. That's still transfiguration, if you think about it.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE I'd rather not.
Scene: lecture hall.
Sound: umbrella open.
PROFESSOR QUIBBLE Good afternoon. Professor Quibble. Defense. Don't mind the umbrella.
DALE Professor, it's not raining. We're indoors.
PROFESSOR QUIBBLE That's exactly when it gets you.
DALE (whispering) Phil. That's what I always say about lakes. We're going to be close.
Sound: door slam.
PROFESSOR QUIBBLE (scared) Who's there?
PHIL Sorry. That was the door.
Sound: sneeze.
PROFESSOR QUIBBLE (scared) What was that?
PHIL That was me. Sorry. I'll try and get them all out now.
Sound: sneeze.
Sound: book thump.
(A pause.)
PROFESSOR QUIBBLE (muffled) Is it gone?
DALE It's a book, Professor. You can come out from under the desk.
PROFESSOR QUIBBLE (muffled) Thank you. I'll stay a while, if it's all the same.
(A pause.)
DALE Professor, a business proposal, while I've got you. A man in your position, scared of everything, in a turban that size. Somebody's got to watch your back. Four Pickles a week, and I'll walk right behind you, everywhere you go.
PROFESSOR QUIBBLE My back?
(A pause.)
PROFESSOR QUIBBLE No. No, thank you. Nobody walks behind me. Ever. Thank you. No.
DALE I'll put you down as thinking about it.
Sound: chalk scratch.
DALE (whispering) Phil. Don't look now. The back of his turban's looking at me. Not mean. It's the look a guy gives you across a waiting room.
PHIL (whispering) Dale, please stop looking at his head.
DALE (whispering) It's a mirror. He's got a little mirror tucked in the back, so he can watch the class while he writes. That's how a scared man stays alive. I'll give it a wave.
(A pause.)
Music: sting spooky.
DALE (whispering) It nodded. Smart man. I'm getting a turban.
Scene: castle bedroom.
Sound: teacup rattle.
PROFESSOR SNIPE He raised both hands in my class. For a question nobody asked him.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE He scratched me behind the ears.
PROFESSOR SNIPE And you allowed it.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE I was a cat, Professor Snipe. One has reflexes. He called me good kitty. Twice. The second time I was a woman.
PROFESSOR QUIBBLE (nervous) The Tummins boy offered to walk behind me. Everywhere. For four Pickles a week.
(A pause.)
PROFESSOR SNIPE Did he.
PROFESSOR QUIBBLE I said no.
PROFESSOR SNIPE Five points from Snufflepuff.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE For what?
PROFESSOR SNIPE I'll think of something.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE You will not.
PROFESSOR SNIPE Then I'll save them for later.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: common room.
Sound: box lid.
DALE Tummins Consulting is open for business. Step right up to the trunk. It's the best location in the dorm, because it's mine.
A BOY What've you got?
DALE Product number one. Genuine Larry Spotter autographs, one Pickle. For two Pickles, I'll write To my best friend at the top and put your name in.
A BOY Did Larry Spotter sign it?
DALE Somebody very famous-looking did. All afternoon. Product number two. Scar stickers, three Nuts. Stick one on your forehead and you're a celebrity.
A BOY This is a Z.
DALE Then you'll be the only kid in school with a Z. That's what we call exclusive. Product number three. Feast leftovers. A roll is two Nuts. A chicken leg is five. A roll that rode in the same pocket as a chicken leg, and picked some up, is four.
A BOY Why's that one cheaper?
DALE In business, that's what we call value. Phil, write that down.
PHIL I'm not a partner.
DALE You're the books. The books don't get paid. They like math. Product number four, the big one. Nana's nap sandwiches. Warm milk bread, honey and chamomile. Sleep guaranteed.
(A pause.)
A BOY (angry) You. I bought one of those before my Charms test.
DALE And?
A BOY I slept through the test. All of it. I woke up at dinner with my face on the desk.
DALE Phil, read the gentleman the word.
PHIL Guaranteed.
(A pause.)
A BOY I'll take two.
Sound: coin single.
Scene: great hall.
HARMONY To my best friend Gordon. Love, Larry Spotter. This is yours, isn't it?
DALE It's a collectible. Hello again. Bushy hair. Rules.
HARMONY Harmony Grainger. Larry Spotter didn't sign this. You did. That's the definition of forgery.
DALE So it's a collectible forgery. Those are worth even more. Would you like a partnership? We need somebody who knows definitions.
HARMONY No.
Sound: footsteps away.
DALE Phil, put her down for one Pickle. She took the merchandise. But that's twice she's said no, and this time she said it faster. She's getting comfortable.
(A pause.)
Sound: pencil scratch.
HOLLIS My broom.
DALE Hollis! A Slitherwin, at the Snufflepuff table. This is a special occasion.
HOLLIS A first-year saw you on the boats. She says my broom is at the bottom of the lake.
DALE Technically, it's in the lake. The bottom's just the part it happens to be touching.
Sound: pencil scratch.
HOLLIS Brand new. Forty Gallons.
DALE Hollis, I'm going to be straight with you. As a down payment, I'd like to offer you this. Half a Chocolate Toad. From the train. The good half.
(A pause.)
HOLLIS Fine.
Sound: stomach rumble.
(A pause.)
DALE Actually.
Sound: munch.
DALE Sorry. Market conditions. I skipped breakfast to come to breakfast.
Sound: pencil scratch.
HOLLIS Forty Gallons. Half a Chocolate Toad. Tummins.
DALE Nice handwriting.
HOLLIS Thank you.
PHIL (whispering) Dale. What are we going to do?
DALE We?
Sound: pencil scratch.
PHIL I'm writing that down.
Scene: great hall.
A BOY Who's the kid with the green eyebrows?
HOLLIS Tummins.
A BOY What's he owe you?
HOLLIS Forty Gallons. And half a toad.
A BOY Are you going to do something about it?
HOLLIS I'm doing it.
Sound: pencil scratch.
A BOY That's just writing.
HOLLIS Yes.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: castle bedroom.
DALE (panicked) Ow, ow, something's in my shoe! Something soft!
(A pause.)
DALE Lightning. Buddy. I found you by putting my foot in it. That's on me. I'm sorry. Let's get you cleaned off. Phil? Phil, wait for me. Phil?
(A pause.)
DALE Everybody's gone to flying. Lightning, you're coming in my pocket. You can't be trusted.
Scene: castle lawn.
Sound: coach whistle.
MADAM POOCH You! Yes, you, the one with the green eyebrows.
DALE I haven't done anything yet.
MADAM POOCH Madam Pooch. Flying. And that's a head start. Find a broom. Everyone, stand beside your broom, hold your hand out over it, and tell it firmly to rise.
DRAGO Who's that? He's not a Gruffindoor. He's certainly not one of ours.
DALE Dale Tummins. From the main office. Don't mind me. Rise.
(A pause.)
MADAM POOCH It rolled over. Say it like you mean it.
DALE Rise. Please.
Sound: broom backward.
MADAM POOCH It came up into your hand backward. That's not how it's done, Mister, uh.
DALE Tummins. This broom thinks for itself, ma'am.
MADAM POOCH Kick off gently, everyone, and hover. On my whistle.
Sound: coach whistle.
Sound: broom backward.
DALE (panicked) Ma'am! I'm facing the right way! It's the lawn that's leaving!
DALE Excuse me. Pardon me. Coming through backward.
A GIRL Ow!
DALE Sorry! You'll walk it off.
NEVIN (scared) It won't stop! It won't stop going up!
Sound: thud.
Sound: crowd gasp.
MADAM POOCH Oh, dear. Up you get, Longbottle. That's a wrist. I'm taking him to the hospital wing. Every one of you stays on the ground while I'm gone, or you'll be scrubbing cauldrons until Christmas.
DALE Ma'am, I can't stop! It's not up to me!
Sound: leaves crash.
Sound: wind branches.
(A pause.)
DALE Lightning. We're in a tree. The broom's still trying to back up, so it's pinning us in the leaves. Like a kite somebody gave up on. Don't look down. Don't look anywhere. You're a snail.
DRAGO (laughing) Look what Longbottle dropped. His little glass ball.
LARRY That's Nevin's, Malfoil. Hand it over.
DRAGO Fetch it yourself, then.
DALE All I can see is leaves. Leaves. A shoe. More leaves.
Sound: broom whoosh.
A GIRL He's going up after him! Madam Pooch said no!
Sound: crowd gasp.
Sound: broom whoosh.
Sound: crowd cheer.
DALE Is that the Spotter kid? Lightning, he's showing off. You can always tell a show-off. They do it where people can see.
Sound: running stone.
DALE (shouting) Professor McBonagle! Over here! In the tree!
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Mister Spotter. A word. This way, please.
Sound: footsteps away.
(A pause.)
DALE She walked right past me. She was coming for me, Lightning. The tree was in her way, so she took the nearest kid. In big organizations, it happens all the time.
(A pause.)
A BOY Oi. Are you stuck?
DALE I'm consulting.
A BOY Give me your ankle, then.
Sound: leaves crash.
Sound: thud.
Sound: broom backward.
A BOY Your broom's still backing into the tree. On its own.
DALE It's a habit. It'll stop when it's ready.
Scene: dorm night.
Sound: quill scratch.
DALE (whispering) Dear Professor McBonagle. No hard feelings. I'm still available. Yours, Dale Tummins. Third tree from the left.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: common room.
Sound: ghost whoosh.
THE FLAT FRIAR (excited) Have you heard? Have you all heard? Larry Spotter is the new Gruffindoor Seeker! A first-year! He didn't even fill out a form!
PHIL First-years can't be on the team. There's a rule. It's in the book. Page forty.
DALE So there's an opening.
Sound: ghost whoosh.
DALE Captain? Dale Tummins. I brought you a roll. As a gesture.
THE CAPTAIN Thanks. What do you want?
DALE I'd like to apply as a Seeker.
THE CAPTAIN A Seeker.
DALE Of opportunities. But also the ball. The little gold one. I'm a very good finder. Last week I found my snail in my shoe.
THE CAPTAIN First-years can't be on the team.
DALE Larry did.
THE CAPTAIN Larry can fly.
DALE So can I. Backward.
(A pause.)
THE CAPTAIN Nine years I've played Squidditch. Backward has never come up. Not once.
DALE Well, when it does, you'll want a guy.
Sound: pencil scratch.
DALE Under the line, Phil, but that's still the list. And he kept the roll. That's basically a contract.
(A pause.)
A GIRL Why'd you write him down?
THE CAPTAIN Faster than arguing.
A GIRL Is he any good?
THE CAPTAIN Madam Pooch says he flew backward into a tree and stayed there an hour.
A GIRL Then why'd you keep his roll?
THE CAPTAIN It's a good roll.
Scene: dorm night.
DALE (whispering) Dale the Seeker.
PHIL (sleepy) Seeker of what?
DALE (whispering) Opportunities. And tonight, the third floor. The headmaster practically begged me to stay away from it, Phil. You don't beg about nothing. I've got a pocket of nap sandwiches. Anybody hiding up there is hungry, and a businessman goes where the hunger is. Coming?
PHIL No. It's against the rules, and I've got a Herbology essay, and I'm allergic to being expelled.
DALE What's this?
PHIL A page from my notebook. Unlockio. The little arrow shows which way to wave. In case it's locked. Please let it be locked.
Scene: castle corridor.
Sound: footsteps stone.
DALE (whispering) One door at the very end. Locked, of course. Nothing good is ever easy. Okay. Unlockio.
Sound: door lock.
(A pause.)
DALE That's the first thing my wand's ever done. I think the door was just being polite. Some doors are like that, if you ask nicely and you're holding a sandwich.
Sound: door creak.
Scene: scruffy room.
DALE (whispering) Smells like wet dog. Times three.
Sound: three head growl.
(A pause.)
DALE Hello. Hello. Hello. I didn't want anybody feeling left out.
Sound: three head growl.
DALE You know, back home, a dog growls at you with one head and calls it a night. You stayed up late and brought all three. I'm touched. Honestly. Middle one, you're showing me your teeth, so I know you're hungry. Who wants a nap sandwich?
Sound: munch.
DALE Okay, left head first. And a little of my sleeve. That's fine, it was a long sleeve. Middle head. Right head. Left head again? You've worked out a system. I respect a system.
Sound: munch.
DALE Around we go. Like a waiter. Three tables, one waiter, no tips.
Sound: munch.
(A pause.)
Sound: three head yawn.
DALE That's a big yawn. That's three big yawns. And you're lying down on that little wooden door in the floor. A doggy door. Of course. A dog your size needs his own exit.
Sound: snore big.
DALE (whispering) Goodnight. Goodnight. Goodnight.
Sound: door creak.
DALE (whispering) Lockio.
(A pause.)
DALE That didn't work. But I was polite.
Scene: dorm night.
DALE Phil. Phil, wake up. I've got a dog now.
PHIL (sleepy) What kind of dog?
DALE A big one. With extras. His name's Scruffy, because he is. Animals trust me, Phil.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: great hall.
DALE It was dark, Phil. The beast came at me with all three heads. I didn't run. I stood my ground, and I looked each head in the eye, one after the other. And then I tamed him. With my bare hands.
PHIL With sandwiches.
DALE With my bare hands, holding sandwiches. Those are still my hands.
Sound: letter unfold.
PHIL I wrote it down last night while you talked. In pencil.
(A pause.)
PHIL That's not how I remember it.
DALE You weren't there.
PHIL I remember you coming back. And crying in the shower. With your clothes on.
DALE That was steam.
PHIL The water was cold. You told me. You said, Phil, the water's cold, and I've only got one sleeve.
DALE The sleeve part's true. But Phil, the rest of yours is in pencil, and pencil erases. I don't see how it counts. Also, you don't understand how memory works. Memory's a muscle. The more you use it, the bigger it gets. That's why my dog's so much bigger than yours. I've been using mine all morning. You used yours once. In pencil.
PHIL That's not how muscles work either, Dale.
DALE Mine do. Mine get bigger every time I tell somebody.
(A pause.)
PHIL I understand.
DALE That's the fastest I've ever won an argument with you. My memory's in great shape.
Sound: dinner clink.
DALE Morning, second-years. Pull up a bench. So it's dark, and there's a thunderstorm outside. Real lightning. Not the snail.
A BOY You fought a dog with three heads?
A GIRL Where is it? I want to see it.
DALE That's classified. But for listening so nicely, here's a Z sticker for each of you.
Sound: sticker slap.
DALE That's three Nuts.
A GIRL You said for listening.
DALE Listening is how you find out about the price.
Scene: dorm night.
Sound: pencil scratch.
PHIL (whispering) Goldfish. Notes for the file. He came back with one sleeve. He cried in the shower, and then he slept eleven hours, smiling. This morning the dog was bigger. At lunch it was bigger again, and there was a storm. I'm going to switch to ink.
PHIL (whispering) Lightning's been gone a week. I made posters. Lost snail, answers to Lightning. Dale says that's a lie, because Lightning doesn't answer to anything, and that's what he likes about him. Don't tell him I'm worried, Goldfish. He says snails go off and meet people.
Scene: dungeon class.
PROFESSOR SNIPE If anyone touches the wrong jar today, I will see to it personally.
DALE (whispering) That's nice of him to offer. I listen better looking at the ceiling.
(A pause.)
DALE (whispering) Phil. Ceiling. Right over Snipe's head. He came all this way. Across the castle, down two flights of dungeon stairs and up a wall, just to watch me in class. Psst. Lightning. Hi, buddy.
Sound: slime drip.
(A pause.)
PROFESSOR SNIPE Whose. Is that.
DALE He's mine, sir. Lightning. He's very fast, for a snail.
PROFESSOR SNIPE Ten points from Snufflepuff. Remove it.
DALE Is that from him or from me?
PROFESSOR SNIPE From you. He doesn't have a house.
DALE Stool. Desk. Phil, hold still. I need your shoulders.
PHIL (scared) Dale, not my head!
Sound: pot lid bonk.
DALE Got him. With the ladle. Thank you for waiting, Professor. That shows a lot of trust.
Scene: common room.
DALE (whispering) Fifteen points this year, Lightning. Nobody else in my house even has five. We're pulling away from the pack. Go on and sleep in my pocket. Fame takes it out of you.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: great hall.
PHIL Dale, that's my hat. I put it down for one second.
DALE And now it's full of toffees. Your hat's never been so useful.
PHIL Put it back.
DALE I'm putting it somewhere safe. That's basically back. I'll see you after pudding.
Scene: broom cupboard.
Sound: munch.
DALE Just you and me, Mop. A bucket to sit on, forty toffees, and nobody asking you to share. A guy needs some privacy for forty toffees. They're in my robe, my hat, both socks and Phil's hat. You plan for a night like this, Mop. Toffee number twelve.
Sound: troll roar.
(A pause.)
DALE Sounds like somebody's pushing a wardrobe down the stairs. One stair at a time. That'll be the Slitherwins, having a party. They never invite us. That's fine, Mop. I wouldn't go.
Sound: troll thud.
Sound: shelves collapse.
(A pause.)
DALE A broom fell on me. You can stay there, broom. You're not hurting anybody.
Sound: robes running.
DALE A lot of teachers in a hurry. Mop, smell that? A wet cellar, a boiled boot, and a cheese with a grudge. Somebody's opened the good cheese for the teachers. Typical.
(A pause.)
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE (angry) Three first-years. Out of bed, off on your own, with that thing loose in the castle. Do you have any idea how lucky you are?
DALE (whispering) Here we go, Mop. Eye to the crack. A stern talking-to. I know a stern talking-to. I've had them from teachers, from a crossing guard, and once from Nana's dryer repairman, who wasn't even involved. Now comes the good part, where they lose points.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Points to each of you. Against my better judgment. Now go to bed before I come to my senses.
(A pause.)
DALE (whispering) She gave them points. The glasses, the red hair, and the one with all the hair going every direction. Walking off together like they just got introduced. Mop, I've had a lot of talking-tos, and nobody's ever given me points at the end. I've been crying at the wrong part.
(A pause.)
Sound: door creak.
Scene: castle corridor.
DALE A club as long as a bench, and nobody's claiming it. Mop, in my line of work, that's called an opportunity. I'll be back for you.
Sound: club drag.
DALE (out of breath) Evening, suits of armor. Don't get up.
Sound: club drag.
DALE Sitting break. That's number six. You don't drag a thing like this. You negotiate with it.
Sound: club drag.
(A pause.)
Scene: castle corridor.
Sound: cat meow.
MR. FILTCH What's this, my sweet? Drag marks. Something heavy, all the way down the hall. And a toffee wrapper. And another toffee wrapper.
Sound: cat meow.
MR. FILTCH You're right, Missus Morris. Whoever it was stopped to sit down. Eleven times. And they're going toward the kitchens.
(A pause.)
MR. FILTCH Snufflepuffs. Out of bed on Halloween, with a troll about. They'll be polishing trophies till they can see their own regrets in them.
Sound: cat meow.
MR. FILTCH Tomorrow, my sweet. It's past your bedtime.
Scene: common room.
A BOY Biggest troll anybody's ever seen, my brother said. Taller than the door.
A GIRL And they knocked it out cold in a girls' bathroom. Who's they?
A BOY Nobody knows. First-years, somebody said.
Sound: round door.
Sound: club drag.
Sound: hall hush.
A GIRL Where'd you get that?
DALE I'm not saying it was me. But I had a hand in it.
PHIL Which hand?
DALE Both. I've got the splinters.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: common room.
PREFECT Tummins. The club. Move it.
DALE I moved it last night.
PREFECT Move it farther.
DALE I moved it farther this morning.
PREFECT Then move it to another country.
DALE With respect, I think that's outside your authority.
PREFECT It smells like a goat's been keeping it in its mouth. The whole common room smells like it. The Friar won't come in.
Sound: sneeze.
PHIL (muffled) I'm allergic to troll.
DALE Phil slept in the bathtub. I didn't even know you could be allergic to troll.
PHIL (muffled) Neither did I. It's a new one. Please, Dale.
DALE Fine. We'll sell it in pieces. Phil, you've got the poker. Break it up and you can breathe again.
Sound: wood crack.
Sound: wood crack.
DALE A piece of genuine troll club, wrapped in a feast napkin. Genuine troll, one Nut. Get your genuine troll.
Sound: coin single.
(A pause.)
A GIRL You. I want my Nut back.
DALE What's the problem?
A GIRL I put it in my brother's pillowcase for a prank. It worked. It worked too well. He's moved out of our dorm. My mum's written to me twice.
DALE Tummins Consulting stands behind its product. Here's your Nut.
Sound: coin single.
DALE I'll keep the napkin. You stand behind your product, but not too close.
Scene: castle corridor.
DALE Phil. Don't turn around. Those three on the stairs. Ever since Halloween, it's always those three. And the second I come up, they stop talking. You know what that means? A group's going places. They don't want it getting out.
PHIL They were talking about homework.
DALE That's what you'd say. I introduced those three, Phil.
PHIL You were in a cupboard.
DALE A cupboard on the same floor. I was a presence. That practically makes me a partner in their friendship, so this is the moment. Harmony! Tummins Consulting. Full partner. A free piece of troll.
HARMONY No.
Sound: footsteps away.
DALE (shouting) Fifty-fifty! Your own desk! You can keep the rules! I'll print cards with your name on them!
(A pause.)
DALE She said it walking away. I told the rest of it to the back of her hair. I think most of it got caught in there, so it's still on file. That's no number three. But it's the first one on the move, and I call that progress.
Scene: dorm night.
DALE (whispering) Larry's the Boy Who Lasted. I was about one hallway from the troll. So. Dale the Troll-Adjacent.
PHIL (sleepy) Nobody's going to say all that.
DALE (whispering) Then I'll say it for them.
Scene: laundromat day.
Sound: dryer thump.
Sound: letter unfold.
NANA Dear Nana. I found a troll's club and sold it by the piece. Phil slept in the bathtub, but he's fine. Here's a piece for you. Genuine troll. Don't open it indoors.
A WOMAN A troll's what, now?
NANA A club, it says. It's a school thing, I think.
A WOMAN And he sent you a piece?
NANA In a napkin. He's thoughtful that way.
Sound: wrapper.
(A pause.)
A WOMAN Oh, goodness. What is that smell?
NANA That's my grandson, honey.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: squidditch stands.
DALE Lucky snacks! Get your lucky snacks! Lucky roll, two Nuts. Lucky sausage, three. This sausage spent the week next to a troll club, so it's free.
(A pause.)
DALE Nobody? Free?
A BOY How are they lucky?
DALE You'll know when you win.
A BOY I'm not playing. I'm a Ravenpaw.
DALE Then you've already won.
(A pause.)
Sound: coin single.
DALE Pleasure doing business. Phil, Ravenpaws are the easiest. They think about everything, and while they're thinking, you take the Nut.
A GIRL Have you got anything lucky for the Seeker?
DALE Larry Spotter? He's had his luck. He got it as a baby, before the rest of us had a chance.
A GIRL That's not very lucky talk.
DALE Then you'll want two rolls. One to cancel it out.
Sound: coach whistle.
Sound: broom whoosh.
Sound: stadium roar.
PHIL They're up! Dale, the red ball's in play. The two black ones try to knock you off. And only the Seekers look for the little gold one.
DALE So one kid on each team gets to look for it, and everybody else just has to not. That's a waste of a lot of eyes. As far as I can tell, Phil, the point of the game is to look up. And when people look up, they stop holding on to their money. I'll be under the stands.
Scene: under stands.
DALE Four Nuts. A glove. A toffee, still in its paper. And a scarf somebody's going to miss later. Feet. Hundreds of feet. Mostly stomping. This is the best seat in the place.
Sound: crowd gasp.
A GIRL What's his broom doing?
A BOY (shouting) It's bucking! It's trying to throw him off!
DALE Somebody fell off something. I'll hear about it later. Five Nuts.
(A pause.)
DALE Is that smoke?
Sound: fire catch.
(A pause.)
DALE (whispering) A teacher's robe is on fire, right through that gap. Just the hem. A neat little blue fire, going along like it's got somewhere to be. And a pair of shoes running off, with a lot of bushy hair on top.
Sound: footsteps away.
DALE A sausage. One of my lucky sausages fell through the boards, rolled under a teacher and caught fire. I don't know how a sausage starts a fire. But I know whose sausage it was.
(A pause.)
DALE Behind the post. Scarf over the head. This disguise has worked for me about half the time.
Sound: stadium roar.
Sound: thud.
DALE Ow. A shoe. On my head. I'm keeping it.
A BOY (shouting) He caught it! He's got it!
DALE (shouting) Caught what?
Sound: stadium roar.
DALE Caught what? Hello?
(A pause.)
DALE Nobody's telling me. Everybody's too busy jumping. Maybe he caught a cold. It's very windy up there.
Scene: squidditch stands.
Sound: crowd cheer.
THE CAPTAIN Has anybody seen Tummins? He owes three of my players a refund on rolls.
A GIRL He went under the stands before the start.
THE CAPTAIN The game's been over for an hour.
A GIRL He's still down there. I heard him counting.
Scene: under stands.
(A pause.)
DALE (whispering) I'll stay under here till dark. Let the sausage thing blow over.
Sound: coin single.
DALE (whispering) Two more Nuts.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: ship deck.
Sound: ship bell.
A WOMAN You've been on that letter since we left the harbor. The captain's showing us the ship's dryers at four. They tumble sideways, with the waves.
NANA Nearly done. It's to my grandson. He's away at school for wizards.
A WOMAN Oh, that's nice.
NANA That's what I said. Here. Dale, honey. I'll be at sea. Be good. There's a box coming.
A WOMAN That's the whole letter?
NANA I'm not a big writer. I'm more of a folder.
Sound: owl swoop.
NANA There's my owl. Frogwarts, sweetie, the badger house. He'll be the one with the Z.
Sound: owl flap away.
A WOMAN And the box?
NANA Forty socks. I've been saving them all year.
Music: sting magic.
Scene: castle bedroom.
DALE Phil. Phil, wake up. Somebody broke in last night and left things at the end of my bed.
PHIL (sleepy) Those are presents, Dale. It's Christmas.
DALE At the end of the bed? At home they're at the end of Nana's ironing board, and they're towels.
Sound: gift unwrap.
PHIL Socks.
DALE Socks.
PHIL Dale, they don't match. Not one of them.
DALE That's the point. These are from the lost-and-found at the Sudsy Duck. Every one of these was somebody's. Somebody wore it, and lost it, and never came back for it. Now it's mine.
PHIL I understand.
DALE Nobody's ever given me anything this personal. What did your family send you? Since they made you stay here.
PHIL They didn't make me. They got a real tree this year. I'm allergic to real trees. And fake ones. And the little ones people hang in cars.
Sound: gift unwrap.
PHIL A sweater from my mother.
Sound: sneeze.
PHIL Wool. And a book about allergies from my father. I've read it twice. Chapter six is basically me.
DALE Hang on. Something else came. A long envelope, and it says Brandt on the back. Phil. Hollis sent me a card.
PHIL Read it.
Sound: letter unfold.
DALE Dale Tummins. One broom, forty Gallons. Half a Chocolate Toad. Interest, four Gallons. Merry Christmas.
(A pause.)
DALE Then, under that, I mean the last part. And under that, The interest continues.
PHIL He charged you interest at Christmas.
DALE He wished me merry Christmas, Phil. In writing. You don't put that in writing unless you mean it. Hollis is warming up to me.
PHIL Four Gallons, though.
DALE That's for the paper. Good paper isn't cheap. Hand me the green one. No, the long green one.
Sound: letter fold.
PHIL Did you just fold the bill into the sock?
DALE And the sock goes on. Now it's safe, and it's with me at all times. A consultant keeps his paperwork close.
Scene: great hall.
Sound: ghost whoosh.
THE FLAT FRIAR Happy Christmas, boys! Happy Christmas! Do you like my crown?
DALE It's going partway through your head.
THE FLAT FRIAR (laughing) Everything does, eventually!
Sound: ghost whoosh.
PHIL Dale, you're limping.
DALE That's forty-four Gallons on my left foot. It's the most money I've ever worn.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: castle corridor.
Sound: stomach rumble.
DALE (whispering) Note for the file. One in the morning. That's the trouble with a nap sandwich. You eat your last one at eleven, you wake up at one, and it's gone, and you're the only suspect.
DALE (whispering) Everybody says the kitchens are near Snufflepuff, and then nobody says where. This hallway smells like bread. So did the last one, and it ended in a wall.
(A pause.)
DALE (whispering) Wall. I'm licking it, to be thorough.
(A pause.)
DALE (whispering) Wall. Fine. Next door.
Sound: door creak.
Scene: grandmother room.
DALE (whispering) Hello? Anybody in here keep snacks?
Sound: lamp glow.
DALE Well. Hello there, handsome. Pajamas, the Z, the green eyebrows, one of Nana's socks. Very sharp. And you're eating a sandwich.
(A pause.)
DALE My hands are empty. Hang on. My hands are empty, and you're still eating it. And enjoying it.
DALE So I forgot I had a sandwich. That happens to me. It's a regular mirror, just a good one. You look rested. I'll wave.
(A pause.)
DALE You waved back with the sandwich. Show-off. All right. A muscle.
(A pause.)
DALE Yours is a little better. That's fine. It's technically mine.
BUMBLEMORE And what do you see?
DALE (scared) Ah! Sir. How long have you been sitting on that desk?
BUMBLEMORE Oh, a while. A headmaster can sit very quietly. It's most of the job. What do you see, Mister Tummins?
DALE Me. With a sandwich.
(A pause.)
BUMBLEMORE Just yourself. Exactly as you are. With a sandwich.
DALE Ham, I think. Maybe chicken.
BUMBLEMORE That's quite rare.
DALE I know. I'm a rare guy.
(A pause.)
BUMBLEMORE (gentle) This mirror is being moved tomorrow. I'd ask you not to go looking for it.
DALE Can I have it? Since it's moving anyway. I could carry it. I dragged a troll club across this whole castle once.
BUMBLEMORE I'm afraid not. It's terribly heavy, and you'd only see what you've already got.
DALE That's all I want to see.
BUMBLEMORE Yes. I noticed.
Sound: wrapper.
BUMBLEMORE A toffee, for the walk. Second left. Follow the bread.
Scene: castle corridor.
Sound: footsteps stone.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Headmaster. It's half past one.
BUMBLEMORE So it is. I've been keeping an eye on the mirror. It's had a great many visitors this winter. Tonight it had a new one. The Tummins boy.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Heaven help the mirror. What did he see?
BUMBLEMORE Himself. Eating a sandwich.
(A pause.)
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE That's all?
BUMBLEMORE That's all. Have the mirror moved first thing, would you? Before anybody else comes looking.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE And the boy?
BUMBLEMORE Oh, leave him where he is. He's fine where he is.
Scene: kitchen busy.
Sound: munch.
DALE Five minutes. Second left, like he said. Ham.
(A pause.)
DALE Exactly as good as it looked. That mirror never lied to me.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: library hush.
HARMONY (whispering) Nicolas Flannel. I know I've read that name somewhere.
LON You've read every name somewhere.
LARRY Nicolas Flannel. Keep looking. Come on, before she sees us.
Sound: book thump.
Sound: footsteps away.
(A pause.)
PHIL (whispering) Dale. Were you listening to them through the shelf?
DALE Phil, I do my best listening behind History of Magic. It's quiet, and nobody makes you check anything out. Three times. Nicolas Flannel, three times.
PHIL Who's Nicolas Flannel?
DALE (whispering) It doesn't matter who he is. It matters who's asking. When the famous kid asks about flannel, flannel's coming back. Famous kids always hear first. Somebody probably tells them at the door.
PHIL I don't think that's...
DALE And who's got forty socks?
Scene: common room.
DALE Phil. Can you sew?
PHIL No.
DALE Here's the socks. Here's a needle.
PHIL No.
(A pause.)
PHIL (sighing) No.
DALE You're threading it.
PHIL I'm threading it so I can say no with a needle in my hand. It's more firm.
(A pause.)
DALE Sunday night, two pairs of pajamas. Phil, I'm painting the sign. Tell me how this reads. Nicolas Flannel pajamas. As worn by the famous. Five Pickles.
PHIL Nobody famous has worn them.
DALE Nobody famous has taken them off, either. I'm not lying, Phil. I'm leaving a space.
A GIRL Hi. I'll try on the top.
DALE Lovely choice. Arms up.
(A pause.)
A GIRL Why are there heels on the elbows?
DALE That's where flannel's going this year.
A GIRL (panicked) I can't get my hand out. My hand's in a toe.
DALE Phil. Scissors.
Sound: scissors snip.
A GIRL Thank you.
DALE That's alterations. Two Nuts.
Scene: library hush.
DALE (whispering) Harmony. Tummins Consulting, flannel division. Full partner. You'd get first pick of the heels.
HARMONY Shh.
DALE It's a good offer.
HARMONY (whispering) Shhhhh.
A WOMAN Out.
Sound: footsteps away.
DALE That second one was longer, Phil. She's thinking it over. Still, a shush is a no, and I'm a professional. That's four.
Scene: castle corridor.
A BOY One Larry Spotter autograph. Three Nuts. Here you are.
DALE A pleasure doing business. That's one of my best. Curly letters, and a little lightning bolt underneath. I practice so much I can do Larry better than Larry. He doesn't have the time.
(A pause.)
A BOY Hold on. What's this at the bottom? Larry Spotter. Tummins Consulting, all rights reserved.
DALE Habit.
A BOY That's your company.
DALE That's his agent.
A BOY I want my three Nuts back.
DALE I don't do refunds. I do store credit. One pair of Nicolas Flannel pajamas, as worn by the famous, and heels in all the right places.
Sound: footsteps away.
PHIL Dale. Why is he holding them out in front of him like that?
DALE Like they might do something? You would too. He's not coming back, Phil.
PHIL That's bad.
DALE That's how you know he's happy.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: castle corridor.
Sound: door creak.
Scene: scruffy room.
Sound: three head growl.
DALE Hello. Hello. Hello. It's Sunday, Scruffy. You know what Sunday is. Left head first, because left head waited last week.
Sound: munch.
DALE Middle.
Sound: munch.
DALE And you. Don't take the sleeve this time. I've only got the one sleeve left on this robe, and it's load-bearing.
Sound: munch.
(A pause.)
Sound: snore big.
DALE (whispering) That's it. Chins on my shoes. All three of them. You know what you are, Scruffy? You're the one place in this castle where I don't lose anything. Everywhere else it's five here, ten there. Up here it's zero. I'll just stay until my feet go numb.
Scene: common room.
PREFECT Right, Snufflepuff, quiet down. Halfway through the year. Every winter the prefects read out where our points went, so nobody does it again. First-years at the front. Tummins, stand up.
DALE Happy to.
PREFECT Sit back down. I'll tell you when.
Sound: kids giggle.
PREFECT Five, from Professor Snipe. Reason, the hand.
DALE It was a good hand. I'd raise it again.
PREFECT Ten, Professor Snipe. A snail on the ceiling.
DALE Lightning has no regrets. You've got to respect that in a snail.
PREFECT Five, Professor McBonagle. Selling Z stickers during Transfiguration. Then five more, for asking her when the time would be.
DALE She never did tell me.
PREFECT Five, Professor Spout. Selling one of her own plants back to her.
DALE She said she'd know that plant anywhere. I didn't know you could know a plant.
PREFECT Three. Me. For the troll club.
DALE That was very generous of you.
PREFECT Don't thank me again. Last time that was nearly a fourth.
PREFECT Ten, Professor Snipe. Reason, eyebrows.
A BOY Whose eyebrows?
DALE Mine. He said they were distracting his class. He's the one who turned them green, in his own class, with his own potion. But I didn't bring that up. I didn't have ten more to spare.
PREFECT Five, Madam Pooch. Flying backward into the hedge. Again. She's written again.
DALE She threw that in for free.
PREFECT And one point to Snufflepuff, from Professor Spout, for holding a door.
Sound: polite clap.
DALE (proud) Thank you. Thank you. It was a heavy door, and she had a pot with teeth in it.
PREFECT Then taken back again. Reason, the hand.
DALE A different hand. That one was out for a tip.
PREFECT Total. Forty-eight points. Questions?
DALE Is anybody else in our year even close?
(A pause.)
PREFECT Meeting over.
Scene: dorm night.
PHIL Forty-eight, Dale. That's bad.
DALE Phil, read me that thing Mister Dibbs said. You wrote it down.
Sound: letter unfold.
PHIL Points come and go. I've seen a house lose everything in one night and win it all back at one dinner. Then a note, in brackets. He said this with his eyes closed. He may have been talking to the mop.
DALE The mop was listening. That's a man who's seen numbers. Forty-eight, and nobody helped me. Write it down.
PHIL I wrote it down.
DALE In pen.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: hut winter night.
Sound: fire whoosh.
DALE (whispering) It's freezing everywhere else and roasting out here. He's expecting company. And the curtains are shut except for one gap about as wide as a pencil. Nana says it's rude to look in people's windows. She says that about the dryers, too, and I've learned a lot from the dryers.
(A pause.)
DALE (whispering) A fire much too big for the fireplace. One giant shape, that's Haggard. Three little shapes. And right in the flames, an egg, sitting there like a guy in a bath. Nobody's eating it. With a fire that size, that's a waste.
Sound: door knock.
Sound: door creak.
HAGGARD Not now. Go on back to the castle.
DALE Evening, Mister Haggard. I've brought snacks for Tooth. Feast sausage. Some of it's still sausage-shaped.
HAGGARD He's had his tea.
DALE Second item of business. Do you know a dog named Scruffy? Big. Comes with extras.
HAGGARD Scruffy? Can't say I do.
DALE I can hear whispering behind you. Three kinds. That's a party. I can always tell a party from the outside. It's where I've seen most of them.
HAGGARD Good night.
DALE I'll buy the egg. Two Pickles. Three if you cook it.
HAGGARD Good night, son.
Sound: bolt slide.
Sound: footsteps snow.
DALE Here, Tooth. Here, boy. Sausage. Follow the sausage.
(A pause.)
DALE He came halfway and went back. That's loyalty. Fine. I'll eat them. They've been through a lot.
Sound: munch.
Scene: hut winter night.
DALE Mister Haggard? Last offer for the egg. Four Pickles and a Z sticker. I'm pushing a Pickle through the window, so you know I'm serious.
Sound: baby dragon.
DALE (panicked) Something's got my finger. Something with teeth has got my finger, and it's looking at me, and I'm not letting go first.
Sound: sizzle.
DALE Now the end of it's on fire. Just the end.
HAGGARD (shouting) Gorbert! Drop it! Drop it right now!
Sound: baby dragon.
(A pause.)
HAGGARD You didn't see him.
DALE See who? Is the Pickle coming back?
HAGGARD No.
DALE Why not?
HAGGARD He ate it. Go on up to Madam Comfrey, and keep that hand in the air.
Sound: footsteps snow.
HAGGARD You. Inside. What have I told you about customers?
Sound: baby dragon.
HAGGARD You don't eat customers. You eat what I give you. Nice enough lad, that. Bit of a talker. Keeps asking after a dog called Scruffy. Big dog, he says. With extras.
(A pause.)
HAGGARD Huh.
Sound: fire whoosh.
HAGGARD Not the beard. We talked about the beard.
Scene: hospital wing day.
MADAM COMFREY Hand down. You're not answering a question. What bit you?
DALE A dog.
MADAM COMFREY What kind of dog?
DALE A warm one.
(A pause.)
MADAM COMFREY Hold still. The goo's cold. It'll be fine by dinner.
DALE The goo's green. It matches my eyebrows. I call that coordinated.
MADAM COMFREY (sighing) Out.
Scene: great hall.
DALE Not a dog. I'm telling you all the truth now. I was bitten by a dragon, in the line of business. I can't say where. A consultant protects his sources.
A BOY Nobody's allowed to keep a dragon.
DALE That's probably why he bit me. He's nervous about the paperwork. So, for the record. One finger, a little cooked. One Pickle, eaten. One eyebrow, singed, but still green.
A GIRL Does it hurt?
DALE Only at the end. Next week I'm bringing him a Nut. On a stick.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: dorm night.
PHIL (sleepy) Dale. It's a quarter past twelve.
DALE (whispering) Desmond the Ravenpaw owes me a Pickle for a Z sticker. He said he'd pay me later. This is as later as it gets.
PHIL Ravenpaw's in a tower. Which tower?
DALE One of the tall ones. Go back to sleep, Phil. If I'm not back by breakfast, keep my toast warm.
Scene: castle corridor.
Sound: snore.
DALE (whispering) Even the portraits snore at night. Four flights up.
Sound: staircase shift.
(A pause.)
DALE And I'm back where I started. Facing the other way. These stairs move at night, out of boredom.
Sound: running stone.
NEVIN (panicked) Oh! Sorry. Sorry. Have you seen them? I've got to warn them.
DALE Warn who?
NEVIN I can't say.
DALE I can keep a secret. For a fee.
NEVIN I haven't got a fee. I haven't even got shoes.
DALE You came all the way up here in your socks, to help somebody, for free? That's a terrible business decision. But it's a fast one.
Sound: keys jingle.
Sound: morris meow.
MR. FILTCH Out of bed. Two of them. Oh, Missus Morris, my sweet. Two of them.
DALE Good evening, Missus Morris. Dale Tummins.
Sound: morris meow.
DALE (whispering) Nevin, she turned her back on me. In cats, that's a yes.
NEVIN I don't think it is.
MR. FILTCH March.
Scene: castle bedroom.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Mister Longbottle. Out of bed, in the middle of the night, in your socks.
NEVIN Yes, Professor. I was only trying to...
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE (sad) I know what you were trying to do. Fifty points from Gruffindoor.
NEVIN Yes, Professor.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Mister Tummins. I've been expecting you since September.
DALE Thank you.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Fifty points from Snufflepuff.
(A pause.)
DALE Fifty. Professor, is that a record?
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE I sincerely hope so. Bed. Both of you.
Sound: door creak.
MR. FILTCH That's two, Professor. And the night's still young.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Go to bed, Mister Filtch.
MR. FILTCH Not tonight. Missus Morris has got a feeling about the tower.
Scene: dorm night.
DALE (whispering) Phil. Phil. Fifty.
PHIL What?
DALE Snipe never went over ten for me. Fifty is five Snipes. More than I lost all year, in one night, and I was trying all year.
PHIL (sleepy) Go to sleep, Dale.
DALE I can't. I'm history.
Scene: great hall.
DALE Phil, sit up straight. People are going to want to talk about it. When they do, I'll be humble, and you be proud of me, so it evens out.
A BOY Did you hear? Did you hear? Three Gruffindoors. Fifty each. A hundred and fifty points, in one night.
A GIRL A hundred and fifty!
A BOY A hundred and fifty.
DALE Fifty each? That's just three of me.
A GIRL A hundred and fifty, in one night!
DALE Excuse me. Fifty. Over here. Also last night.
A BOY A hundred and fifty!
(A pause.)
Sound: teacup rattle.
DALE I'll admit it's a better number, Phil. It's got more words in it.
PHIL I'm proud of you.
DALE Not now, Phil.
Music: sting lose.
Scene: great hall.
Sound: hourglass gems.
PROFESSOR SNIPE Gruffindoor. Last. From first to last, overnight. I'd like this morning framed, and hung in my office, low, where I can see it from the chair.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Eat your eggs, Severin.
PROFESSOR SNIPE Snufflepuff's dropped as well, I notice. Fifty.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE The Tummins boy.
PROFESSOR SNIPE Ah. The hand. Has anybody mentioned it?
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Not one person. He's been walking up and down their table since seven, very slowly, to give them the chance.
PROFESSOR SNIPE He asked me once whether five points was a lot.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Pass the salt.
Sound: footsteps stone.
DALE Fifty. Good morning. That was me.
A BOY Pass the jam.
DALE Fifty. Morning. Me again.
A GIRL Can you move? You're in my light.
DALE (angry) Phil, it isn't fair. Kids who asked to see his scar last week are taking the long way around Larry Spotter in the hall. Nobody takes the long way around me. I lost fifty too.
PHIL He lost a hundred and fifty.
DALE With two friends helping. I lost my fifty all by myself. Well, Nevin helped, but Nevin was losing for a different house.
PHIL Dale, I don't think you want to be blamed.
DALE Larry gets everything first. He got famous first, just by being a baby, which anybody could've done. Now he gets blamed first, too. I've been working on getting blamed all year, Phil, and he walks in and takes the whole thing.
Sound: hourglass gems.
DALE Phil, how do you think the hourglasses work? I think there's a teacher inside each one with a scoop. Somebody's got to carry our jewels back up to the top, and that's a lot of trips. Most of the big pile up there, I sent personally.
PHIL It's magic, Dale.
DALE A magic teacher, then. With a magic scoop. I'll stand by it a while, in case anybody wants to whisper about me.
(A pause.)
A BOY Are you lost?
DALE I'm the fifty.
A BOY The Snufflepuff table's this way. Come on. Mind the bench.
Sound: footsteps stone.
DALE He walked me all the way back to my seat, Phil. Very kind about it. I think he was a fan.
PHIL I think he thought you were lost.
DALE Ninety-eight, for the year. Ninety-eight is almost a hundred, and I'm only a first-year.
Scene: castle corridor.
SIR POMEROY Fifty. Marvelous.
DALE Thank you, Sir Pomeroy. I knew you'd heard.
SIR POMEROY I didn't mean it the way you've taken it.
DALE That's all right. I took it the good way, so we're both covered.
SIR POMEROY (sighing) Patience.
(A pause.)
Sound: round door.
DALE He knows the password. He's been waiting all morning to let me in. Phil, I need a new name. The Fifty-Point Man.
PHIL It's not a number you want to be known for.
DALE Nobody can argue with a name that's got a number in it. They can go and look it up on the wall.
PHIL Dale.
DALE Too late, Phil. I'm known.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: mountain night.
MR. FILTCH Keep up, the lot of you. Longbottle. Spotter. Tummins, stop talking.
DALE I only asked what the old days of detention were like.
MR. FILTCH Better.
DALE Better how?
MR. FILTCH Longer.
Sound: dog whimper.
HAGGARD Evening, all. Right. Something's hurt in the forest, and we're going to split up and find it. Nice and calm, like a walk.
DALE A nature walk. I like a man who can put a positive spin on things.
HAGGARD Tummins, you're with Tooth. He'll look after you.
Sound: dog whimper.
DALE Did you tell him the opposite?
Scene: wind wood night.
Sound: owl swoop.
Sound: footsteps jungle.
DALE (out of breath) Tooth! Tooth, sideways isn't a direction! I've still got your collar!
(A pause.)
DALE Good boy. Every tree out here is the same tree. Which way?
Sound: body thud.
DALE Lying down isn't a direction either. But I respect the vote. You hold the back of my robe, I'll hold the lantern, and we're a team. Technically you're leading.
Scene: mountain night.
(A pause.)
DALE (whispering) Tooth. Down there, by the stream, in the moonlight. A man in a long hood, kneeling, bent over something white and sparkly. He's very still. The way you are when you're waiting for a bite.
Sound: dog whimper.
DALE (whispering) He's fishing. Out here alone, at night, in a hood. That's my kind of guy. I'm going to go ask him what he's using for bait. He might have a sandwich.
Sound: dog whimper.
DALE It's rude to leave a fisherman without saying hello.
Sound: distant yell.
DALE (panicked) Okay! Okay! You pick, I'll back you!
Sound: footsteps jungle.
Sound: wood crack.
DALE Ow. My ankle. It went sideways. Behind the log. Behind the log.
Sound: brush crash.
DALE (whispering) Eyes shut. We keep them shut until somebody tells us.
Sound: stomach rumble.
DALE It's growling. It's right on top of us.
Sound: splash step.
Sound: horse snort.
PEDRO You are a long way from your path, young one.
DALE I'm a consultant. We don't really do paths. Are you a horse?
PEDRO I am Pedro.
DALE That's the top half's name. What about the bottom half?
PEDRO It comes with me.
DALE We were hiding from a growling noise.
Sound: stomach rumble.
(A pause.)
DALE (whispering) Tooth. He's not going to mention it. That's class.
Sound: horse plod.
PEDRO Mars has come very close to us tonight.
DALE Right over my head. I don't want to brag in front of a stranger, but you don't get a planet over your head by accident. Is that about me?
PEDRO It is about many things.
DALE Well, I'm one thing.
(A pause.)
DALE My ankle hurts from running the wrong way. Could I get a ride? One Nut.
PEDRO Centaurs are not for riding.
DALE Two Nuts.
PEDRO Centaurs. Are not. For riding.
DALE I understand. You can't put a price on dignity. So how about a scar sticker? For the forehead. Very popular this year.
PEDRO The stars have not shown me a Z.
DALE Give them time. They're very far away.
Scene: hut winter night.
MR. FILTCH That's the lot, then. All of them back but one. The Tummins boy. And your dog.
HAGGARD Tooth'll look after him.
MR. FILTCH And who looks after Tooth?
Sound: dog whimper.
HAGGARD Here he comes now. On his own. Where's the lad, Tooth? Where's the lad?
(A pause.)
DALE Behind you, Mister Haggard. He didn't wait. Pedro nodded at me, though. Once, very slowly. From a horse-man, that's a lot of nod.
Scene: dorm night.
DALE (whispering) Phil. Phil. I rode a horse-man through the Forbidding Forest, under my own personal planet.
PHIL (sleepy) Your shoes are muddy up to the knee.
DALE He made me walk the last part. For my own good.
Sound: pencil scratch.
DALE (whispering) Leave the curtains open, Phil. Mars is right outside the window, keeping an eye on me. It's only polite.
Music: sting magic.
Scene: library hush.
Sound: sneeze.
HARMONY Bless you.
PHIL Thank you. It's the dust.
HARMONY Dust?
PHIL Dust.
Sound: sneeze duet.
(A pause.)
HARMONY That was at the exact same time.
PHIL Do you want to share a table? We could sneeze in the same direction. I've got a revision schedule. Seven colors.
HARMONY Seven? I've only got five. Could I see it?
DALE Purple is Potions, green is Herbology. Phil, what's brown?
PHIL Brown is Dale, please.
DALE Good. I'm on the schedule. And you two are welcome.
HARMONY For what?
DALE The introduction. I've been sitting at this end of the library all week. You don't get two sneezers at one table without a third man setting it up.
HARMONY You sat here because of the window.
DALE That's how you set it up. Two top students, one table, and nobody paying rent. I'm the landlord. I'm letting it grow before I charge anybody.
HARMONY It's a library table.
DALE Today.
HARMONY Phil. Cure for hiccups, step three.
PHIL Stir it backward until it stops arguing.
HARMONY Correct.
DALE Question for both of you. Do you want a snack? I've got nap sandwiches.
PHIL No.
HARMONY Why did you say it that fast?
PHIL The last time I had one, I woke up in the greenhouse.
(A pause.)
Sound: book thump.
DALE Harmony. Last day of revision. I've been building to this all year, and the fifth offer's the big one. It's the one they frame and hang in the office.
HARMONY What office?
DALE When there's an office. Tummins Consulting. Full partner. You'd do the reading, and I'd do the rest.
HARMONY What's the rest?
DALE The vision.
(A pause.)
HARMONY (sighing) No. But thank you for asking, Dale. All five times. Here. My old notes. The whole year, in five colors. You need these more than you need a partner. Good luck.
DALE These are good. These are very good. Harmony, I'd let you have these back for six Pickles.
HARMONY They're mine.
DALE That's what makes them so valuable to you.
HARMONY No.
DALE That's five. I'm not counting, but it's five.
Scene: exam room.
PROFESSOR FLICKWIT (excited) Make it hum, everyone! A button, a little wave, and a hum!
Sound: button hum.
PROFESSOR FLICKWIT Oh, a tune! Mister Brumley, is that a tune?
PHIL It's a lullaby. Thank you, Professor Flickwit.
PROFESSOR FLICKWIT Mister Tummins? I'm standing on my books, and I still can't hear a thing.
DALE It's humming very quietly, sir. It's a library button.
Sound: teacup rattle.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE A teacup into a turtle, Mister Tummins. What is this?
DALE It's a turtle you can carry.
Sound: quill scratch.
DALE (whispering) Phil. She's writing more than one word. You want more than one word.
Sound: digging.
PROFESSOR SPOUT Mister Tummins, the shy fern is on the other table. You've repotted my lunch.
DALE I didn't look at it, Professor Spout. You said not to stare.
PROFESSOR SPOUT Thirty years, and nobody's ever done that.
DALE Thank you.
Scene: asylum study.
Sound: quill scratch.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE History of Magic. An important wizard of our time. Bumblemore, Bumblemore, Larry Spotter, Bumblemore.
PROFESSOR FLICKWIT And the Tummins boy?
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Dale Tummins. Four pages, in his best handwriting, about Dale Tummins. He's left a space at the end for a picture.
PROFESSOR SNIPE He's drawn the picture. It's a Z.
PROFESSOR FLICKWIT Severin, how was his sneezing cure?
PROFESSOR SNIPE Purple. Warm. Nobody sneezed near it. Nobody could get near it.
PROFESSOR FLICKWIT And his friend? Brumley?
PROFESSOR SNIPE Top marks. His cure was perfect. He hasn't sneezed since Tuesday. He came up after class to tell me, and he cried a little.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Brumley is the Tummins boy's best friend.
PROFESSOR SNIPE There's no accounting for it.
(A pause.)
PROFESSOR FLICKWIT Was the turtle a pass?
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE I carried it up here. I'm still deciding.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: lake day.
Sound: tentacle rise.
DALE Move over. No, stay. There's room. Two guys at a lake, taking it easy. You take the arm side.
Sound: splash small.
DALE It's too hot to be a wizard today, squid. I've got my robe over my head for shade. The Z's starting to sweat off, and a man has to protect his brand. You wouldn't understand. You haven't got a forehead. Or you're all forehead. One of the two.
Sound: running stone.
HARMONY (out of breath) Hurry! Both of you, hurry!
LON I am hurrying!
DALE Over here! I'm available!
LON Mind out, mate!
Sound: door slam lc14848.
(A pause.)
DALE Did you see their faces, squid? Like they'd all left an oven on. Something's come up, and three people thought, I know a guy. That's the consultant's life. The famous kid didn't even slow down. He's saving it for the meeting.
(A pause.)
DALE I'll wait right here, so they know where to find me. A guy like me doesn't chase business. He sits by the water and lets it come to him.
Sound: tentacle sink.
DALE Fine. You've got a lake to run.
(A pause.)
Sound: duck quack.
DALE Not this rock. This rock's for clients. I'm waiting for some people.
Sound: duck quack.
DALE They're on their way. Go on, then. Everybody leaves.
(A pause.)
PHIL I brought your shoes. Dale, it's suppertime.
DALE Thank you. Put them by the clients' end.
PHIL Whoever it is, they're probably busy.
DALE Busy looking for me.
PHIL Do you want to come up and eat?
DALE And miss them?
(A pause.)
PHIL Okay. I'll wait with you.
Sound: pencil scratch.
DALE (scared) Hollis! How long have you been there?
HOLLIS Since the duck. End of term. Forty Gallons, and the half a Chocolate Toad. Bring back the broom, and I'll forget the interest.
DALE Hollis, can I show you something? The lake. Technically, it's all still yours. It's right there.
HOLLIS It's at the bottom.
DALE Lakes are deeper than they look. That's not my fault, Hollis. That's geography.
Sound: pencil scratch.
DALE Besides, I'm working on something.
HOLLIS Working on what.
DALE It's at an early stage. I can't go into it.
(A pause.)
Sound: paper tear.
HOLLIS Here.
DALE Friday. And underneath, Geography. Underlined twice. Phil, he quoted me. He's coming around.
(A pause.)
PHIL (whispering) What are you working on?
DALE (whispering) I'm saving up one whole Gallon, all year. Then I wait for his birthday, and I don't give it to him. He'll never know how close he came. You can't tell a man that kind of plan. That's what makes it work.
PHIL You should be worried.
DALE Friday's ages away. It's after Thursday. Hand me my shoes. And keep an eye on the doors.
Scene: evening fields.
Sound: pencil scratch.
HOLLIS Tummins. By the lake. Offered me the lake. Declined. Offered me geography. Underlined. Says he's working on something.
(A pause.)
HOLLIS He isn't. Running total, forty-four Gallons, half a Chocolate Toad, and one lake. Payment due Friday.
(A pause.)
HOLLIS Note. Today is Thursday.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: dorm night.
PHIL Goldfish, pay attention. This one's on the test. Devil's Snore. Grows in the dark. Snores. Grabs whatever lands on it and squeezes harder the more you fight it. To get loose, relax completely. Most people can't.
Sound: sneeze.
PHIL Sorry. There's a pressed leaf in the book. Relax completely. Most people can't. Most people can't.
Sound: round door.
DALE Phil. The last box of the year. Nana wrote on the lid. For the long trip home, honey. Extra chamomile.
PHIL That's nice.
DALE Thirteen nap sandwiches. Scruffy's got three heads, so that's four a head, and one for the guy carrying them. Phil, come say goodbye to Scruffy.
PHIL I've got the Herbology review. And it's a three-headed dog.
DALE That's three goodbyes, Phil. You'll never get a better deal on goodbyes.
PHIL I understand.
(A pause.)
DALE He's my best client. Every Sunday since the fall, and he's never once complained about the price, and he's got three mouths to do it with. I can't have him spending the whole summer thinking I've gone over to a different dog.
DALE Here's the plan. Step one, third floor. Step two, sandwiches, four a head. Step three, I tell him I'll see him in the fall, and maybe I pat a nose. Step four, bed. Step five, I wake you up and tell you it was the most beautiful thing you ever missed. That's the main step. The others are mostly to get to it.
PHIL Don't eat those.
DALE I'm not going to eat those. Lightning, if you're in here somewhere, you're in charge of the room.
Sound: munch.
Scene: castle corridor.
Sound: stairs climb.
DALE (sleepy) Second floor. I'll rest my eyes for one step.
Sound: snore.
(A pause.)
Sound: morris meow.
MR. FILTCH (whispering) What's that, my sweet? Oh, ho. Out of bed. Asleep on my stairs, with a napkin. Don't wake him, Missus Morris. I want Professor McBonagle to see this herself. Stay. Guard.
(A pause.)
DALE (sleepy) Nana? Oh. It's the cat. Hello, Missus Morris. You want a sandwich? It's half chamomile.
Sound: munch.
DALE Good girl. I'll be going now. I'm running behind.
(A pause.)
MR. FILTCH This step, Professor. Right here.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Mister Filtch. It is one in the morning, and that is your cat, asleep on a napkin.
Sound: cat snore.
MR. FILTCH She doesn't sleep. She has never slept.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Goodnight, Mister Filtch.
Scene: scruffy asleep.
Sound: door creak.
DALE (whispering) It's open. Usually I've got to read Phil's page and say Unlockio and wait for the door to be in a good mood.
Sound: harp alone.
DALE (whispering) Scruffy. You've got a harp. Playing all by itself. That's classy. Most dogs just have a ball.
DALE And you're asleep already. You always go down when I come in. Animals trust me. You can't teach that. Hi, buddy. It's me. It's Dale.
(A pause.)
DALE (whispering) Middle head. Hello. One eye. And it's shut again. That's what I mean about trust.
Sound: munch.
DALE (whispering) I'll just tuck one by each mouth, so I don't wake you. Left head. Good boy.
Sound: munch.
DALE Right head. Good boy.
Sound: munch.
DALE Middle. Good boys. Four a head, except middle's on three. Take it up with the cat. You're getting heavier. I can feel you snoring in my shoes.
(A pause.)
DALE The harp's still going. Seems like a waste, with you already out cold. But I'm not going to tell a harp its business.
DALE Somebody's been walking through your dust, Scruffy. Three sets of feet. You've had company tonight. That's fine. I'm not the jealous type. Who were they? Don't tell me.
DALE And somebody moved your paw off the doggy door, very politely, and left it open. I always wondered where that went. Does it go to a backyard?
(A pause.)
DALE I'll take that as a yes. A dog your size has got to have a big one. See you in the fall, buddy. You don't get invited into a backyard every day.
Sound: long fall.
DALE (shouting) Big yard!
Music: sting comic.
Sound: pillow pile.
Scene: snore pit.
DALE Soft landing. Thank you. Whatever you are, you've got a lot of give.
(A pause.)
DALE You're snoring. I've never met a plant that snores. I've met Phil, and Phil's mostly plant allergies, so it's close. Excuse me. I'm a friend of the dog's.
Sound: vine squeeze.
DALE Okay. That's a hug. I'll take a hug.
Sound: vine squeeze.
DALE That's plenty. I'm not much of a hugger. I'm going to wiggle now, and you're going to let go, and we'll say no more about it.
Sound: vine squeeze.
DALE (panicked) Phil! Phil!
(A pause.)
DALE He's in bed with his review. He wouldn't have been any help anyway. He's allergic to you. Phil talked about plants like you in Herbology. He said something, and it was important, and I was asleep for most of it.
Sound: vine squeeze.
DALE You're very warm, for a plant. And I've had a nap sandwich, and getting squeezed is more work than people think. I'm going to think with my eyes shut for one minute. Then I'll come up with something brilliant.
Sound: snore.
(A pause.)
Sound: vine release.
Sound: thud.
DALE (sleepy) Floor. I'm on the floor.
DALE You let go. I beat you. I beat you by going to sleep on you. That's the Tummins Method. I've been working on it for years, mostly in Potions. You let the problem get bored first.
DALE Note for the file. One rash, both arms, the green kind. It goes with the eyebrows. One left ankle, twisted, the same one from the forest, so at least it knew what to do. And one shoe, missing. Can I have my shoe back?
(A pause.)
DALE Keep it. You can't win them all, and I already won the big one.
Scene: dorm night.
Sound: ghost whoosh.
THE FLAT FRIAR (whispering) Phil Brumley. Psst. Your friend's bed is empty, and it's very late.
PHIL He went to say goodbye to a dog.
THE FLAT FRIAR At this hour?
PHIL He probably fell asleep on the way. He usually does. He's on a staircase somewhere, perfectly safe.
THE FLAT FRIAR You're still up, though.
PHIL Devil's Snore. To get loose, relax completely. Most people can't. Dale could. Dale's the most relaxed person I know.
THE FLAT FRIAR Is that a compliment?
PHIL I haven't decided.
Sound: sneeze.
Scene: key room.
DALE I've never been a key person. Nana keeps ours on a nail by the dryer, and I go out the window. But I'd be a key person for keys with wings. Nobody ever gave ours wings. Maybe that's why we never lose them.
DALE You, up there. The one flying in a little circle by yourself, crooked, and everybody else staying out of your way. I know how that is.
DALE And a broom by the wall. Still warm. Somebody took her out tonight. A broom should get out. I'll just take her around once.
Sound: broom backward.
DALE Backward. Same as at school. I think it's me. It's a gift. Not many people can do it, and the ones who can are mostly me.
Sound: keys jingle.
DALE Shoo. Shoo, I'm a student. One of you went up my nose. I'm shutting my eyes and holding on. That's how I fly.
Sound: thud.
Sound: key flap.
DALE (laughing) Something's down my collar. It tickles. I caught one. I caught a key without even trying, which is the best way to catch anything, because then nobody can say you tried and missed.
Sound: door lock.
DALE Doesn't fit. Upside down. Doesn't fit upside down either. Come on. I caught it.
(A pause.)
DALE Oh. You're already open. And there's a key in you already, the crooked one, with its wings folded up. Somebody got here first. That's fine. Mine's still got both its wings. I'd say mine's in better condition.
Sound: key flap.
(A pause.)
DALE (whispering) It went to sleep in my pocket. Everything down here does, eventually. It doesn't open anything. Neither does my wand. A key's a key.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: chess ruin.
Sound: statue topple.
DALE That wasn't me! You were like that when I got here.
(A pause.)
DALE Somebody lost this game badly. I know how that feels. I lost to Nana at checkers once, and I put the board in the dryer. I'm not saying that's what happened here. I'm saying I understand.
Sound: hat on.
DALE (muffled) A crown. Nobody was using it. It's a little big.
Sound: snore.
DALE Who's that? Everybody down here is asleep. It's the kind of place where people really relax.
DALE Lon? Lon Measley. From the train. It's me. The Z.
Sound: snore.
DALE I'll take that as a hello. You've got a bump on your head the size of a plum. No wonder you're lying down. Two arms. Two legs. Breathing and snoring. You're in better shape than the chess pieces, and they're made of rock.
DALE I've got one pumpkin pasty left. I was saving it for the trip back. I'm folding your fingers round it, so it's the first thing you see. That's from Dale. Dale Tummins. With a D.
DALE That's called goodwill. It's worth more than a pasty, and I happened to have a pasty.
(A pause.)
DALE And you, horse. You're in half, and your head's looking at me. Nobody else at Frogwarts has one of these. Oof. I'm taking this as a souvenir. I'll be back.
Sound: statue topple.
DALE That's horse for goodbye. I came down here with a napkin full of sandwiches, and now I've got a horse. Nana's going to have questions.
Scene: cellar.
Sound: snore big.
DALE Another troll. Out cold, with a lump. That's two this year. I'm starting a collection. I'm not taking your club, though. I'm still selling the last one a piece at a time.
Scene: purple fire.
DALE Purple fire, in a doorway, not going anywhere. It's either the friendly kind or it isn't.
Sound: sizzle.
DALE Ow. It isn't. And through it, a table of bottles, half of them empty. A party, and somebody drank all the good ones. I've been late to every room tonight. Next year I'm starting at the bottom.
Sound: magic whoosh.
HARMONY (out of breath) Oh. It's you. Never mind. Help me carry Lon, and then we have to find Professor Bumblemore.
DALE What's in it for me?
(A pause.)
HARMONY Fifty points.
DALE Deal. I lost fifty in one night once, so I know exactly what fifty's worth. It's worth everything, and this time I'm getting it.
Sound: glassware clink.
HARMONY Come on!
DALE You dropped your bottle. There's one drop left. I'll have it, to be safe. You never know what you'll need in a place like this.
Sound: vial drink.
(A pause.)
DALE Nothing happened. I feel fine. That's how I know it worked.
Scene: chess ruin.
HARMONY You take his feet.
DALE I've got the horse.
HARMONY Put down the horse.
DALE I'm not a quitter.
Sound: footsteps stone.
HARMONY You're dropping him.
DALE (out of breath) Are his feet always this heavy? Is that normal for him? Do you know him well?
HARMONY Nearly at the trapdoor.
DALE Trapdoor? I thought it was a doggy door.
HARMONY It's a trapdoor, Dale. It just happens to have a dog on it.
DALE That doesn't change much. It just makes it sound better.
Scene: scruffy asleep.
DALE (whispering) Night, Scruffy. Night. Night.
(A pause.)
DALE (out of breath) Harmony. I'm going to be famous for this. Dale of the Trapdoor.
HARMONY Save your breath for the feet.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: castle corridor.
Sound: morris meow.
MR. FILTCH I heard it too, my sweet. Feet. Somebody's out. And at this hour you've only just woken up, haven't you? Never you mind how you fell asleep.
Sound: door bang.
MR. FILTCH Headmaster! I wasn't expecting you back till morning.
BUMBLEMORE Nor was I, Mister Filtch. I had the strongest feeling I'd left something on.
Sound: running stone.
HARMONY (out of breath) Professor! Professor Bumblemore!
DALE (out of breath) Wait for the feet!
Sound: thud.
DALE Sorry, Lon. That's the bench.
HARMONY Professor, it's Larry, he went through the trapdoor, past the dog, and there was a plant, and keys, and a chess game, and Lon got knocked out on purpose, he meant to, and then a troll, and fire, and bottles, and I worked it out, and Larry went on by himself, and I came back for help, and that was ages ago, and please.
(A pause.)
BUMBLEMORE Thank you, Miss Grainger. That was very clear.
Sound: running stone.
DALE She did all of that without breathing. Did you hear that, Mister Filtch? Not one breath. I've tried it. Mostly while eating.
MR. FILTCH Out of bed. Three of you.
DALE He's not out of bed. He's on a bench. And two at a time, on those stairs? I had the headmaster down for a hundred and fifty. He's sixty, tops. I've wanted a meeting all year. Professor! Sir!
DALE (shouting) About a broom! It's in the lake, and it belongs to Hollis Brandt, but I'm handling it! I just want it on the record that I'm handling it!
(A pause.)
BUMBLEMORE Thank you, Mister Tummins.
(A pause.)
DALE Harmony. He knew my name.
HARMONY He knows everybody's name.
DALE Then why'd he say it to me?
(A pause.)
HARMONY (whispering) Please hurry. Please, please hurry.
DALE He will. I told him about the broom.
(A pause.)
DALE Larry Spotter got his name on a scar. I got mine on merit. Note for the file. Meeting with the headmaster. He said, Thank you, Mister Tummins. Eleven seconds, start to finish.
MR. FILTCH Ten.
DALE It was a very good meeting.
Music: sting magic.
Scene: sickroom night.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE (whispering) Madam Comfrey. How is he?
MADAM COMFREY Sleeping. He'll be sleeping a good while, and I'll thank the whole school to let him. They've already sent enough sweets to sink a boat.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE And the other one? The Tummins boy?
MADAM COMFREY Came in on his own two feet. One and a half. A rash on both arms, an ankle, one shoe, and a stone horse's head that he won't put down.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Whose horse?
MADAM COMFREY I didn't ask. He offered to sell it to me. Twice. And what was a first-year from Snufflepuff doing down there, Professor?
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE He says he was saying goodbye to a dog.
(A pause.)
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Put him in the next bed. Out of everybody's way.
MADAM COMFREY Next to all that candy?
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE I'm too tired to think of a better place.
Sound: bed creak.
MADAM COMFREY A goo for the rash. A goo for the ankle. And what's this face?
DALE Stomachache. I had a whole box of Every Flavor Beans while I was waiting. One of the flavors was soap.
MADAM COMFREY And the others?
DALE Also soap.
MADAM COMFREY Then a goo for your stomach. Open.
DALE It tastes like the beans.
MADAM COMFREY You're the second-worst thing that's come in here tonight.
DALE Who's first?
MADAM COMFREY Next bed. And no more candy, Mister Tummins.
Sound: footsteps stone.
(A pause.)
Sound: wrapper.
DALE (whispering) Don't mind me. People send famous people all sorts of things, and some of it could be dangerous. Somebody's got to check it. I'm willing to take that risk, as long as it's chocolate.
Sound: munch.
DALE (whispering) Toad number eleven. Fine. Bean. Fine. Bean. Grass. I'll make a note. And this box is moving. I'll screen that one last.
DALE (whispering) My ankle's in a bandage the size of a loaf of bread, and my arms are green to the elbow. I'm not complaining. I'm just saying, if you wake up hungry, don't come to me.
Sound: bed creak.
LARRY (sleepy) Hi.
DALE It's from fans. I'm screening it.
(A pause.)
LARRY Help yourself.
DALE Thanks. While you're up. This is a Larry Spotter autograph. I did it myself, back in October, in my curly hand. Can you sign it? So it's authentic.
(A pause.)
Sound: quill scratch.
DALE Thank you. No questions asked. I respect that in a client.
(A pause.)
DALE Mine's big and curly, with a lightning bolt over the dot. Yours is small and scratchy, and it leans. No offense, but yours doesn't look authentic.
LARRY Sorry.
Sound: snore.
DALE (whispering) He's a decent guy, for somebody who never had to work for any of it. I'll keep it for later. Some people will buy anything.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: great hall.
A BOY Quibble's gone. Packed up and gone in the night. Ask any Ravenpaw.
A GIRL There was something on the back of his head. All year. Under the turban.
A BOY There was not.
A GIRL There was. My cousin's friend's brother saw.
A BOY Slitherwin table says it was the worst thing anybody ever saw.
A GIRL Did they see it?
A BOY No. They heard about it, which they say is worse.
Scene: common room.
DALE I called it. September. Ask Phil. I said there was something in that turban.
PHIL You said it was a mirror.
DALE A mirror's something. Most people said nothing. And a mirror's in the same family. You look at it, and it looks back.
A GIRL My brother says Larry Spotter fought You-Know-Who.
DALE Lord Moldevort.
Sound: kids shush.
Sound: cushion hit.
DALE I'm keeping the cushion.
A BOY And the Scone's safe. That's what everybody's saying.
DALE I don't see what a scone's got to do with any of it. But I'm glad. You never want to hear that a scone's in danger.
A GIRL They say it makes you live forever.
DALE Then it's a very good scone. Somebody should've eaten it while it was safe. That's all I'll say.
Sound: stool set.
DALE Snufflepuff. Everybody. Up here. I was down there too.
A GIRL You were not.
DALE Ask Madam Comfrey. I've got the rash.
Sound: kids ooh.
DALE There was a dangerous plant. I put it to sleep with my own technique. Then a storm of keys, a hundred of them, and I flew straight through backward and caught one.
Sound: key flap.
DALE He's still a bit sleepy. Then I took a stone horse in single combat.
Sound: thud.
DALE That's his head. Please don't touch the head. And there were trolls down there. I've started a collection.
A BOY How many trolls?
DALE Two. It's early. And then I carried a fallen soldier out on my back, all the way to the top.
A GIRL Which part of Lon did you carry?
DALE The feet. They're the heavy end.
PHIL That's not how I remember it.
DALE Phil. You were at a Herbology review.
PHIL I was. Then at breakfast you came in from the hospital wing with one shoe and a horse's head, and asked if I wanted to buy the head.
DALE And you said no. That's how I knew it was valuable.
(A pause.)
DALE It's still available.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: common room.
PHIL It wasn't a pastry, Dale. It was a stone.
DALE Say it slower. I'm sitting down for this.
PHIL The Philosopher's Scone was a stone. Nicolas Flannel made it. It lets you live forever. And now Bumblemore and Mister Flannel have destroyed it.
(A pause.)
DALE I was in the pajama business with that man.
PHIL You sold socks with his name on them.
DALE That's a business relationship, Phil. And not once did he mention rock. You don't name a rock after a scone. That's just asking for somebody to bite it.
PHIL I'm sorry. I know you had plans.
DALE Not big plans. Long ones. Step one, get it out from under Scruffy, because the dog and I have an understanding. Step two, eat half and live forever. Step three, pay Hollis.
PHIL With what?
DALE With time. I worked it out on a napkin. One Nut every spring for three hundred years. He'd have had to live forever too, to collect. I'd have let him have a crumb, if he asked nicely.
PHIL And the other half?
DALE (sad) Save it for later. I never get to save anything for later, Phil. Later shows up, and I've eaten it.
PHIL They decided it was safer this way.
DALE I'd have kept it in a tin. With a lid. And a label. Scone, do not eat. Nobody eats a thing with a sign on it.
PHIL You did. In Potions. I said step back, and you leaned in. That's why your eyebrows are green.
DALE I leaned a little. And green's a good color on a man who's going to live forever.
PHIL You're not going to live forever.
DALE Not now I'm not.
Scene: kitchen busy.
A WOMAN You're the Snufflepuff with the pockets. Kitchens are closed, love.
DALE One scone, please. A regular one. I'm in mourning.
A WOMAN Here's two. With butter. Go and mourn somewhere else.
Sound: munch.
(A pause.)
DALE That was very good. And now it's gone. That's the trouble with a regular scone, Phil.
PHIL What is?
DALE No staying power.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: lost found closet.
Sound: tape gun.
MR. DIBBS Kid. And kid. Mind the box.
DALE Mister Dibbs. Phil said you were retiring, and I told him you'd never go through with it. You've been two weeks away since September. I figured it was a hobby.
MR. DIBBS Two weeks ran out, kid. It happens to two weeks.
DALE That's a small box for a hundred years.
MR. DIBBS A mug. And a scarf.
PHIL Is the scarf yours?
MR. DIBBS It's been in that bin since before your grandmother was born, kid. Nobody came for it. So it's mine now.
DALE I'm here on business. Who's running lost and found after you? Would they want a consultant? And could the consultant keep some of the found?
MR. DIBBS Things turn up, kid. They don't need help.
DALE I've been thinking about what you said in September, about the ones in the picture. I was in a lot of pictures this year. Mostly in the back, but a lot of them.
MR. DIBBS Sure, kid. Here.
DALE A quill. Good weight. I'd say four Pickles. Six to a Ravenpaw.
MR. DIBBS Last thing I've got, kid. Nobody's watching. Do the decent thing anyway.
Sound: pencil scratch.
DALE Thanks. Is there a price on it anywhere? Does it come with ink?
(A pause.)
Sound: ink bottle.
DALE (whispering) Phil. He didn't say a word. That's how you know a man's a professional.
Scene: castle corridor.
DALE I worked it out, Phil. Nobody's watching, so I can do whatever I want.
PHIL That's the opposite of what he meant. I underlined it twice.
DALE It's the same advice. I'm just standing on the other side of the counter.
Scene: lost found closet.
Sound: door creak.
MR. FILTCH So that's it, Dibbs. Who gets the closet?
MR. DIBBS Nobody. Hang this sign up for me, Filtch.
MR. FILTCH Back in two weeks. You're not coming back.
MR. DIBBS No. But they'll keep checking. Gives them somewhere to go.
MR. FILTCH You gave the Tummins boy the good quill. He'll sell it by supper.
MR. DIBBS Maybe.
MR. FILTCH You think he won't?
MR. DIBBS I think he asked for the ink.
Sound: door lock.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: lake day.
PHIL Your ankle, Dale. The rope goes on your ankle. Not your wrist.
DALE The wrist looks more professional.
PHIL If you stop making bubbles, I pull. You'll come up feet first.
DALE Then I'll come up feet first. Today's Friday. That's the deadline, and a consultant never wastes a deadline. The plan. I breathe through the reed. I walk along the bottom. I pick up the broom, I walk back out, and I'm a free man by lunch. Wet, but you can't have everything.
PHIL How will you see?
DALE I'll squint.
PHIL How long is the reed?
DALE It's a regular reed. They come in one size.
PHIL And how deep is the lake?
Sound: kid wading.
DALE (proud) Phil. Lakes are deeper than they look.
PHIL Dale, that's not an answer, that's a warning.
DALE I've been saying it all year. Now I finally get to use it professionally. One more step.
Sound: splash big.
Scene: lake underwater.
Sound: bubbles sink.
Music: wonder.
(A pause.)
Scene: lake day.
A BOY Hollis. Hollis. That Snufflepuff just walked into the lake.
HOLLIS Time.
A BOY What?
HOLLIS The time.
A BOY Ten past eleven. His friend's holding a rope. He's not coming up. Hollis, he's not coming up.
HOLLIS He owes me forty Gallons. He'll come up.
Sound: pencil scratch.
Sound: tentacle rise.
A BOY (scared) Something just came up out there. Something big. Hollis, you're not even looking.
HOLLIS Tell me.
A BOY It's the squid. It's got something. It's holding it up out of the water, like it's showing it to somebody. Hollis, I think that's a broom.
(A pause.)
HOLLIS Friday. Eleven twelve. Broom located.
Sound: pencil scratch.
HOLLIS Squid. Underlined.
Sound: rope creak.
Sound: splash big.
Sound: water cough.
PHIL (panicked) Dale! Dale, breathe. You came up upside down.
DALE (out of breath) That's the wrong end to come out of a lake. I lost the reed about a foot down. Then I breathed some lake. It tastes like pennies and cold soup.
PHIL I couldn't see you. What happened down there?
DALE It's green, and it's very quiet. A fish came up and stared at me without blinking. I knew that look. Hollis taught it to me. Then something long and gray came out of the green and took my wrist. Very gently, Phil. The way Nana takes your arm at a crosswalk. And it put this in my hand.
PHIL It handed it to you. Dale, it went and got it.
DALE I've been waving at that squid since September. That's called networking.
PHIL Hold it away from me. Something lives in the bristles.
DALE Then he comes with the broom. Nobody can say I didn't add value.
Sound: tentacle rise.
(A pause.)
DALE Wave back, Phil. It's rude not to.
Sound: tentacle sink.
DALE So that's settled. The squid works for me now.
PHIL What are you paying him?
DALE We haven't discussed salary.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: great hall.
DRAGO Get used to the color, Snufflepuffs. Green and silver. Even the windows.
DALE It's like eating inside a very proud snake. Phil, hold this sock open. Chicken legs for the train.
PHIL Dale, that's your sock.
DALE It's a clean sock. Mostly. Now wave with me, Phil. Larry Spotter. We were in the hospital wing together, so it's personal now.
PHIL That's the back of his head.
DALE The back of a head can't wave, Phil. That isn't rudeness, that's anatomy. Anyway, I'm keeping one eye on the staff table. Harmony promised me fifty points in the bottle room, for carrying Lon's feet. I haven't brought it up with anybody. A man like me doesn't have to.
PHIL Does Bumblemore know?
DALE Bumblemore knows everything. He knew my name.
Sound: glass ting.
Sound: hall hush.
BUMBLEMORE Well. That's the year, more or less, and very nearly all of you still here. Before the cup, I find I have a few points left over. It seems a shame to waste them.
DALE (whispering) Here it comes. Phil, sit up straight. Look like a man who carries feet.
BUMBLEMORE To Mister Lon Measley, for a very good game of chess.
Sound: hall cheer.
BUMBLEMORE To Miss Harmony Grainger, for some excellent thinking.
Sound: hall cheer.
BUMBLEMORE And to Mister Larry Spotter, for...
Sound: hall cheer.
Sound: lamp blow out.
DALE They cheered a candle out. He's saving the feet for last, Phil. For drama.
BUMBLEMORE And, finally, ten points to Mister Nevin Longbottle.
Sound: hall cheer.
DALE (shouting) Half of that's mine!
A BOY Sit down!
DALE I'll sit when my points come in! Nevin and I got caught out of bed together by Mister Filtch, back in the winter. We lost a hundred points between us. That's a partnership!
Sound: hourglass gems.
Music: sting magic.
Sound: hall cheer.
A GIRL Red and gold! The banners went red and gold!
LON We won! Mate, we won!
DALE That's a nice trick for a room this size. My fifty must be coming by owl.
PHIL We came third, Dale.
DALE A strong third. There's a lot of room in third, Phil. Nobody expects anything from you, and you still get to eat.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Mister Tummins. Off the bench. One point from Snufflepuff, for standing on it.
Sound: hourglass gems.
DALE Thank you, Professor!
(A pause.)
DALE Phil, pen. I've had a hundred and forty on the back of my hand since breakfast. Forty-two of those since the hourglasses, mostly from Snipe. Spring's a busy season in my line of work. And now she's rounded it off. One hundred and forty-one.
PHIL That's not a round number.
DALE It's not even, so nobody can call it lazy. That's a strong number. It has to be a record.
PHIL For a first-year?
DALE For a person.
(A pause.)
PROFESSOR SNIPE One point, Professor. On the last night.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE He was standing on a bench, Professor Snipe.
PROFESSOR SNIPE He'll be delighted. He keeps a tally. On his hand.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE I'm aware. He asked me to initial it.
Scene: castle corridor.
SIR POMEROY One hundred and forty-one.
DALE Sir Pomeroy! You heard!
SIR POMEROY I've been counting. All year. Every one.
PHIL (whispering) Dale, I don't think that's a compliment.
DALE Phil, you don't understand fans. A real fan keeps track. I didn't even have to tell him. Patience.
(A pause.)
SIR POMEROY Sixty seconds of you standing still. My favorite minute of the day.
Sound: round door.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: great hall.
Sound: owl swoop.
Sound: sneeze.
DALE Don't sneeze on it, Phil, open it. Rip it like a bandage.
Sound: letter unfold.
(A pause.)
Sound: letter fold.
DALE Phil. Phil, it's okay. There's always summer school.
PHIL I got top marks.
DALE In what?
PHIL Everything. Professor Flickwit wrote Wonderful at the bottom.
DALE He means both of us. That's a very good year for the firm, Phil. My turn.
Sound: letter unfold.
DALE Passed. Passed. Passed. Passed. And an Acceptable in Potions.
PHIL (gentle) Oh, Dale.
DALE You haven't thought it through. Outstanding means you stand out, and that's how you get picked on. Acceptable means they've accepted you. Snipe accepted me. He wrote it down, in ink.
Scene: castle corridor.
DALE Transfiguration, Phil. Teacup into a turtle. Mine had a handle, which is better, because now you can carry it. And my sneezing cure was so strong that nobody near me sneezed for the rest of the hour. And in History of Magic, I wrote about the most important figure of the year, and I got every detail right, because it was me.
PHIL That's not how I remember it.
DALE You weren't in my head.
PHIL I sat next to you. Your turtle had a handle and no legs. It just spun. And nobody sneezed in Potions because everybody went out into the hall.
DALE Because they were scared of how good it was.
Sound: sneeze.
DALE That's the cure wearing off. I've been saying so all week. I'm getting the Acceptable framed.
Scene: cellar.
Sound: scrubbing.
MR. FILTCH Look at it, Professor. Slime. Up on your ceiling in October. In the Great Hall at Christmas. In the owl tower in March. A trail, all year, everywhere, and never once the snail.
PROFESSOR SNIPE I saw the snail once, Mister Filtch. I took ten points for it.
MR. FILTCH Then where's he gone? A snail doesn't get around like that. It's not natural. When I find him, he'll be scrubbing this himself.
PROFESSOR SNIPE Then you'll want a very small brush.
Scene: dorm night.
Sound: trunk lid.
DALE It won't shut. That's how you know it was a good year. Phil, sit on it.
PHIL I'm not sitting on the horse.
DALE Notes for the file. Inventory. One horse's head, stone. One key, opens nothing. One quill and ink, Mister Dibbs's, for something decent. Eleven napkins. Three scar stickers. The last of the Flannel pajamas, which are also socks. One piece of troll club nobody wanted, not even free. And under my winter robe.
(A pause.)
DALE Phil. It's Lightning.
PHIL He was in your trunk?
DALE The whole year. Doing laps. I looked for him in the Great Hall, and the greenhouses, and the owl tower, and under Snipe. And he was home the whole time.
PHIL Then who was on the Potions ceiling? And in your shoe? And in your hair?
DALE That's a question for Snipe. In my pocket, Lightning. You can watch the trip from there.
Scene: castle corridor.
SIR POMEROY Leaving.
DALE Sir Pomeroy. A guy like me doesn't leave a fan without a word.
SIR POMEROY Don't hurry back.
DALE I'll hurry back. Don't you worry about that.
SIR POMEROY I said don't.
DALE I know. Don't worry. I'll be here first thing.
(A pause.)
DALE (whispering) Phil, he can't go on. He's too emotional.
PHIL (whispering) I think he's pretending you're not here.
DALE I brought you something. A scar sticker. A good one, a dark Z. Bottom corner of the frame, so people know whose fan you are.
Sound: sticker slap.
DALE There. Now you've got one too.
(A pause.)
SIR POMEROY (sighing) Lovely.
DALE (whispering) He said it so quietly. You only whisper the ones you mean.
Music: sting comic.
Scene: platform steam.
A BOY Go around him.
A GIRL Who is he?
A BOY Don't know. Just go around.
Sound: pencil scratch.
DALE (whispering) Phil. Down. Behind the trunks. That's the professional way to wait for somebody.
PHIL (whispering) He's looking right at the trunks, Dale.
HOLLIS Tummins.
DALE Hollis! I didn't see you there. I've got your broom.
(A pause.)
HOLLIS It's bent. Left, then right, then left again. I lent you a broom, Tummins, not directions.
DALE It's still trying to find its way out of the lake. Give it a minute. It's had a hard year.
HOLLIS So have I.
DALE It's seen things, Hollis. A crab lived in it until last night, but he's moved out, so that's one less thing to explain.
HOLLIS There was a crab.
DALE He paid no rent. I'd leave it out of the books.
Sound: pencil scratch.
DALE And the other part. One Chocolate Toad, from Larry Spotter's personal pile in the hospital wing. So technically it comes from Larry Spotter, and that adds value.
Sound: wrapper.
DALE Half. A real half, this time. I'm measuring with my thumb.
(A pause.)
DALE (whispering) Phil. I gave him the big one by accident.
PHIL (whispering) Leave it, Dale.
DALE Sorry, Hollis. Quick adjustment. There.
HOLLIS I saw that.
Sound: pencil scratch.
HOLLIS Read it back.
DALE Broom, returned, bent. Interest, forgotten. Toad, one half, paid. Balance, forty Gallons.
(A pause.)
DALE That's it?
HOLLIS That's it. Forty Gallons.
Sound: munch.
(A pause.)
DALE Take your time with it, Hollis. Enjoy it.
HOLLIS I am.
Sound: train whistle.
HOLLIS September, Tummins.
(A pause.)
DALE Phil. I'm a free man.
PHIL Do you have forty Gallons?
DALE A free man doesn't need forty Gallons. That's what makes him free. I don't owe anybody a broom. I don't owe anybody half of anything. All I owe is a number, and numbers mostly live on paper.
PHIL His paper.
DALE It's very good paper.
Scene: train compartment.
A BOY You let him off.
HOLLIS Nobody's off.
A BOY You forgot the interest. You never forget the interest.
HOLLIS I wrote down that I forgot it.
A BOY Is the broom any good?
HOLLIS No.
Sound: pencil scratch.
A BOY What are you writing now?
HOLLIS Year two.
Music: sting spooky.
Scene: train compartment.
DALE End-of-year clearance! One horse's head, stone, very rare. Scar stickers, two left. Rolls, still pretty good if you don't squeeze them.
A GIRL We don't want anything.
DALE Nobody wants a horse's head until they've got one. Then they can't imagine life without it.
A BOY Lock it. Lock it, it's him.
Sound: bolt slide.
DALE That's fine. A year at a castle takes it out of people. Apparently, so do I.
(A pause.)
DALE (whispering) Larry Spotter's compartment. Nobody else has that much candy. I'd know, I screened most of it. Slow down, Dale. Don't stop. A guy like me doesn't stop. Go by like a bus going past a stop it isn't stopping at.
(A pause.)
LARRY Hey, Z.
(A pause.)
LON (sleepy) It's a Z.
Sound: snore.
HARMONY Bye, Dale.
DALE Hey.
Sound: door bonk.
(A pause.)
DALE Good door. I was checking it.
Sound: compartment door.
DALE (out of breath) Phil. Larry Spotter knows me. He called me Z.
PHIL Is that good?
DALE Phil, that's a nickname. You don't get a nickname from a guy like that unless he's been thinking about you.
PHIL Or unless he doesn't know your name.
DALE Dale's just my name. Anybody can have it. Z is what they call me in the industry. Harmony said Dale, but she's had five meetings with me. It's in her files. Larry never had a meeting at all, and he came up with something on his own.
PHIL That's fair.
(A pause.)
Sound: train whistle.
PHIL Dale. Are you awake?
DALE I've been watching the hills, and thinking about that Z.
PHIL This was the best year of my life.
DALE I agree it was a big year. A lot of it was me.
PHIL I got top marks. I had a study partner who sneezes at the same things I do. And I learned to unlock a door.
DALE That was my door.
PHIL I know. That's the best part.
DALE Then I'll tell you how it went. You'll want to hear it from somebody who was there.
Music: tender.
DALE I tamed a three-headed dog with my own sandwiches. I introduced three famous people to each other. I won a troll's club, and I was bitten by a dragon, in the line of business.
Sound: sneeze.
DALE There aren't any boring parts, Phil, so that must be a cold. Where was I?
DALE I went down a trapdoor and came back up with a horse's head. I recruited a squid. And Phil, I discovered flannel.
(A pause.)
PHIL That's not how I remember it.
DALE I know. You've said it all year. So let me finally explain how memory works. It's like a dryer.
PHIL But I like your version better.
(A pause.)
DALE Most people do.
Sound: snore.
(A pause.)
DALE (whispering) He fell asleep on my shoulder. I'm letting him. No charge.
Scene: train station.
NANA There's my consultant. Here. Nap sandwich. I carried it inside my coat all the way from Wendleton, to keep it warm.
DALE It smells like your coat. That's the best part.
NANA How was school, honey?
(A pause.)
DALE Nana, it went very well. I'd say I was the main reason.
NANA That's nice, honey. And Phil! Look at you. You got taller.
Sound: sneeze.
PHIL Sorry, Missus Tummins. I sneezed on your shoulder.
NANA That's nice, honey.
Sound: magic whoosh.
DALE Right wall, first try. Phil, that's called growth.
Scene: car interior.
DALE Nana, keep your eyes on the road, but quick. Does this look like a seven to you?
NANA It looks like a seven, honey.
DALE I can't have that. A seven's nobody. Larry Spotter knows me by the Z. I'm not making him learn a number. Where's the marker?
NANA Glove box. For emergencies.
Sound: compartment pop.
Sound: marker squeak.
(A pause.)
PHIL It's backward again.
DALE This time I did it backward on purpose. When you do it on purpose, it's a style.
PHIL It looks exactly the same as before.
DALE That's what I was going for.
Sound: munch.
DALE Phil, that's my sandwich.
PHIL (sleepy) Half of it is.
Sound: munch.
(A pause.)
Sound: snore.
NANA (gentle) Both of them. Before the end of the street. Every time.
Scene: laundromat day.
Sound: dryer thump.
A WOMAN Is he home, then? Your grandson?
NANA Upstairs. Writing letters. He's a consultant.
A WOMAN What does he consult?
NANA I've never asked. He seems busy.
Scene: bedroom night.
Sound: quill scratch.
DALE (whispering) Lightning, I'm using Mister Dibbs's quill. And the ink. I was saving the ink for something decent. Dear Larry. I'm writing to offer my consulting services for next year. This year went pretty well, and I think we both know why. I'm available on weekends and during Potions. My rates are reasonable, and they go down if you sign things.
DALE Now I sign it. The Boy Who Also Lasted. Too long for the bottom of the page. Dale the Sorted. Dale the Seeker. The Fifty-Point Man, which undersells it now. Dale of the Trapdoor. Just Z, but he might think it's from some other guy with a Z.
(A pause.)
DALE Dale. Just Dale. For now. You can always add to a name later. It's taking things off that's hard. Ask anybody with a laundry marker.
NANA (muffled) Who are you writing to, honey?
DALE A client.
NANA (muffled) That's nice, honey.
DALE I don't have an owl, so you're on the windowsill, Lightning. Sit on the letter so it doesn't blow away. You're slow, but you've never lost anything except yourself, and that turned out fine.
Sound: sneeze.
PHIL (muffled) Dale? Dale, are you up? I got a new notebook. I've already started next year.
DALE Go to sleep, Phil.
PHIL (muffled) I understand.
Sound: dryer thump.
DALE Somebody left a sock in dryer four. Tomorrow I'll have a present. And Lightning's taking the letter. School doesn't start till September.
(A pause.)
DALE (whispering) He'll make it.
Music: end credits scone.