A Dale Tummins Full-Cast Audio Drama
The script of the full-cast audio drama. There is no narrator. Scene, sound and music cues are as performed. Book One of the Dale Tummins Last Stop series. A free story by LineCrush. Not for sale.
Music: ls theme.
Scene: laundromat day.
Sound: ls gnasher.
NANA Dale, don't open that. I just mopped.
DALE I'm not opening anything, Nana. I'm leaning on it. Leaning is my whole plan.
Sound: ls gnasher.
DALE Twenty minutes. The world's been ending for twenty minutes, and everybody in Wendleton has got a little voice telling them what they are. Everybody but me.
NANA Mine came while I was doing the Hendersons' sheets.
DALE What'd it say?
NANA Launderer. I thought that was nice of it. Nobody ever says.
DALE The kid from the pharmacy got Paladin. He went by the window with his hands lit up, yelling about it. Last week he couldn't find me the cough drops.
Sound: ls notice.
THE ANNOUNCER Class unlocked. Unique. Conductor, Level One. A discontinued utility class with no combat abilities. Starting skill: Ticket Inspection. Warning: this class is unauthorized.
Sound: magic poof.
DALE Nana. It came. They saved me for last.
NANA What did they give you?
DALE Conductor. Unique. That means they only made one, and then they waited twenty minutes to see who deserved it.
NANA That's nice, honey.
DALE It says utility, so I'm the power company, more or less. And it says discontinued. That means they stopped making them, which means collectible.
NANA Is unauthorized good?
DALE It means you can't just walk in and get one, Nana. You have to know somebody.
NANA Where did the hat come from?
DALE It's a cap. It came with the job. It's a size too big, so they must think I'm going to grow. And I got this.
Sound: ls punch.
NANA Not near my towels.
DALE No combat abilities. That means somebody else does the fighting and I sit in the office. I've wanted that job my whole life. I just didn't know it had a name.
Sound: door slam.
PHIL Missus Tummins. Dale. Don't go out the front.
NANA Phil, you're soaking wet.
Sound: ls1 umbrella.
PHIL Something bit my umbrella. It's only a scrape on the handle. They come up out of the storm drains in sixes, and they don't like porch lights.
DALE Phil, I'm unique.
PHIL That's good, Dale. I'm a Field Biologist. Level One. I've got eleven pages already.
DALE On what?
PHIL On everything. It turns out that's the job.
DALE I'm a Conductor.
PHIL Of what?
DALE It doesn't say, Phil. That's how exclusive it is.
Sound: ls1 train rises.
Sound: ls horn.
Sound: train brakes.
A MAN It came up out of the road! It came right up out of Main Street!
A WOMAN How long is it? I can't see the end of it!
NANA Somebody's parked in the loading zone.
DALE Right outside our door, Nana. That's not parking. That's valet.
Sound: ls chime.
THE ANNOUNCER Last Stop. Departure imminent. Fifty-nine minutes, fifty-nine seconds. The Last Train has arrived.
THE ANNOUNCER Available seats: one thousand. Current applicants: eight million, four hundred and ninety-two thousand, one hundred and six. Boarding requirement: Level Ten.
Sound: crowd gasp.
THE ANNOUNCER We apologize for the end of your world.
(A pause.)
DALE Level Ten. Phil, what are you?
PHIL One.
DALE Me too. So we're tied. Nobody's ahead.
PHIL Everybody who gets on is ahead, Dale.
DALE Eight million people for a thousand seats. That's a lot of people who don't get a seat. I feel for them, Phil.
PHIL We're them.
DALE You're them. I'm unauthorized.
DALE Fifty-nine minutes. I can get to Ten in fifty-nine minutes. I got my real estate license in one afternoon. Most of one afternoon. They told me to come back.
(A pause.)
DALE Nana. What level are you?
NANA Oh, I don't know, honey. I've got a load in.
Sound: gf dryer buzz.
Scene: ls main street train.
Sound: solenoid ui error.
THE ANNOUNCER Level One. Boarding requirement not met.
DALE I heard what you said. Now I'm asking you to hear what I'm saying. I'm unique.
Sound: solenoid ui error.
DALE You've got thousands of Level Tens. You've got one of me. If anything, I should go first and they should wait.
Sound: ls doors open.
A MAN Ten! I'm Ten! Let me by!
DALE See, Phil? It opens. It's not broken. It's picky.
PHIL It's picky about Level Ten, Dale.
DALE I've had a lot of noes in my career. This one's soft. It's leaning.
PHIL It's said the same thing nine times.
DALE Because it's thinking about it.
DALE You're a good-looking door. Heavy. Very black. They don't make doors like you anymore.
Sound: solenoid ui error.
DALE That one I didn't deserve.
A BOY Mister, are you Level Ten?
DALE I'm unique.
A BOY Is that more than ten?
DALE It's a different kind of number.
A BOY My mom's Ten.
DALE Then you stick close to her. Ten's a good number too. It's just more common.
A MAN Quit pushing! It won't take anybody under Ten!
THE CROWD Let us on! Please!
AN OLD MAN Go on, Ruth. I'm Level Two. I'll get the next one.
A WOMAN There isn't a next one, Walter.
AN OLD MAN Then save me a seat.
(A pause.)
HOLLIS Make a hole. Coming through.
DALE (whispering) Oh no. Hollis.
HOLLIS Up you go, ma'am. Mind the step. You're Ten, you're fine.
Sound: ls doors open.
A WOMAN Thank you. I don't even know your name.
HOLLIS Doesn't matter. Go.
(A pause.)
HOLLIS Dale.
DALE Hollis. I was just thinking about you. Good thoughts. Mostly about your health.
HOLLIS I've pulled eleven people out of cars since the sky went green. Lifeguard. Level Six.
DALE Lifeguard. You sell jet skis.
HOLLIS I pulled people out of the ocean for nine years before I sold jet skis. You never asked.
DALE I didn't want to pry. The ocean's a personal thing.
HOLLIS What did you get?
DALE Conductor. Unique. Unauthorized. It's a management position.
HOLLIS What does it do?
DALE It manages, Hollis.
HOLLIS So nothing.
DALE That's what people who aren't management always say.
DALE Hollis, could you carry me on? You carried her.
HOLLIS She's Ten. The door reads you whether I'm holding you or not.
DALE You could hold me very fast. Like you're in a hurry. It might not get a good look.
HOLLIS Four thousand dollars, Dale.
DALE Hollis, the world is ending. Money isn't going to mean anything.
HOLLIS Then it won't cost you anything to pay me.
(A pause.)
HOLLIS You're not staying behind on a finished world owing me four thousand dollars. Get to Ten.
DALE How does a guy get to Ten?
HOLLIS Pull people out of things. Or hit the things that come up out of the drains. Brumley. You've got a notebook.
PHIL Fourteen pages.
HOLLIS Come hunt with me. Bring the pencil.
PHIL One of them bit my umbrella.
HOLLIS Then bring the umbrella.
PHIL Dale. Come with us.
DALE You two go. Somebody has to stay here and handle the paperwork.
PHIL What paperwork?
DALE The door, Phil. If I walk away now, it'll think it won.
PHIL I understand.
Sound: footsteps away.
Sound: ls chime.
THE ANNOUNCER Departure in fifty-one minutes. Current applicants: nine million, one hundred and four thousand and twelve. Boarding requirement: Level Ten. We apologize for the inconvenience.
DALE Nine million. They're coming in from out of town now. You'd think a train this nice would have a guest list.
(A pause.)
DALE Okay. You and me. Let's start fresh. Hi. I'm Dale.
Sound: solenoid ui error.
DALE I didn't even ask yet.
Scene: ls wendleton end.
Sound: ls gnasher.
HOLLIS Behind me, Brumley. They're under the bins.
PHIL I need one of them to hold still. Just for a second.
HOLLIS They don't do still. I'm Nine. I need one more somebody to pull out of something, and I'd rather it wasn't you.
Sound: pencil scratch.
PHIL Gnasher. That's what I'm calling them.
Sound: ls notice.
PHIL Here it comes. Field Notes. Gnasher. Runs cold. Can't make its own heat. Lives where it's dark and wet. Weakness: heat. They shrink in heat, like a wool sweater.
HOLLIS Like a sweater.
PHIL That's what it says.
HOLLIS Who says?
PHIL I write the name down, and the class writes the rest underneath. It isn't my handwriting. It's neater than mine.
HOLLIS In that little book.
PHIL It's waterproof. I bought it for a field trip to the marsh. We never went. It was too wet.
HOLLIS I'm not fighting teeth with laundry tips.
Sound: ls gnasher.
HOLLIS Back. Get back.
Sound: fire whoosh.
PHIL Hollis. The car. Get them over by the car.
HOLLIS The burning one?
PHIL The burning one.
HOLLIS Hup.
Sound: ls gnasher.
(A pause.)
Sound: ls gnasher pop.
(A pause.)
HOLLIS Huh. Sweater.
Sound: ls gnasher pop.
HOLLIS Again. Hup.
Sound: ls gnasher pop.
Sound: ls level up.
PHIL Two. I'm Level Two.
HOLLIS Congratulations. Eight to go. Watch your left.
Sound: ls gnasher.
PHIL (scared) Hollis!
HOLLIS Got you. Up you come.
Sound: ls level up.
(A pause.)
HOLLIS Level Ten. Boarding requirement met.
PHIL That was me? I was worth a level?
HOLLIS You were worth the last one. Don't let it go to your head.
PHIL How does it feel?
HOLLIS Like a bell. Nine years I pulled people out of the water, Brumley. Nobody ever rang a bell.
PHIL Now everything rings.
PHIL Do you think all my fourth period got classes?
HOLLIS Everybody got one, Brumley.
PHIL I hope Darnell got something with numbers. He was good with numbers. He never once showed his work.
HOLLIS Then he's somewhere with the right answer, and nobody knows how he got it.
HOLLIS Write down what else is out here. I'd like to know what I'm walking into before it walks into me.
Sound: pencil scratch.
PHIL Storm drains. Sixes. They go for fabric first. Umbrellas, coats. Anything that flaps.
HOLLIS So keep your coat on and don't flap.
Sound: sneeze.
PHIL Excuse me. It's the smoke.
HOLLIS Where's Tummins?
PHIL Talking to a door.
HOLLIS Is it working?
PHIL He thinks it's leaning his way. He says it's a soft no.
HOLLIS He sank my jet ski.
PHIL I know.
HOLLIS He told me he'd driven one before. He'd seen one on a calendar.
PHIL He's good, Hollis. In his way.
HOLLIS Which way.
(A pause.)
PHIL He shows up. He doesn't always know what for. But he shows up.
HOLLIS So does weather.
PHIL When I was sick last winter, he brought me soup every day for a week. It was the same can. He'd heat it up, I'd eat a little, and he'd take the rest home and bring it back.
HOLLIS That's not soup, Brumley. That's a loan.
(A pause.)
PHIL He lives over the Sudsy Duck. His grandmother runs twelve dryers in there, all night, on high.
HOLLIS And?
PHIL Nothing. Maybe something.
Sound: pencil scratch.
HOLLIS I'm getting on. If they let me, I'll hold us a place near the back.
PHIL For Dale.
HOLLIS For what Dale owes me. A man who can't get on can't pay. Don't make it a nice thing, Brumley.
PHIL I won't. Hollis. Thank you.
HOLLIS Don't do that either.
Sound: footsteps away.
Sound: ls gnasher.
PHIL Twelve dryers.
Sound: pencil scratch.
Scene: ls main street train.
DALE Okay. Here's a quarter. Nobody has to know. You open up a little, I slide in sideways, and we never talk about it again.
Sound: gf coin stone.
DALE That's a dryer quarter. That's eighteen minutes on high. I want you to think about what you just said no to.
Sound: solenoid ui error.
DALE Two quarters. And I didn't see anything.
Sound: solenoid ui error.
DALE Fine. Here's the truth. I'm with the band.
Sound: solenoid ui error.
DALE You don't have a band. That's what I'm saying. It's a long trip. You're going to want one.
A MAN Buddy. If it won't open for you, get out of the line.
DALE I'm not in the line. I'm in negotiations.
A WOMAN He's been negotiating since I got here. I went and found my sister and came back.
DALE And she got on, didn't she? You're welcome. I warmed it up for her.
(A pause.)
DALE The windows are high. But I'm not afraid of high.
Sound: ls1 climb slide.
DALE Okay. I'm a little afraid of high. Knee's fine. Elbow's fine. I bit my tongue a little. The cap stayed on, though, so overall I'm ahead.
Sound: ls doors open.
HOLLIS Ten. Coming aboard. Somebody hold that rail for the lady.
DALE Hollis is on. Good. A man can't collect anything from inside a train. Everybody knows that. Then the doors close and he's just a guy on a train.
Sound: footsteps away.
DALE Back to the Duck. Nana's got a stepladder. If you've got a stepladder, you've got options.
(A pause.)
DALE Oh, come on. The last car on the whole train, and it's sitting on our sidewalk. Nobody asked. People have been ticketed on that sidewalk for less.
DALE And they put a little door on the end of it. Crew only. Right in front of a man's house. That's rude.
DALE You know what, though? You're the only door on this train I haven't said anything mean to. Let's keep it that way. Hello. You look very nice. Very solid. Is that steel?
Sound: ls crew door.
Sound: ls notice.
THE ANNOUNCER Crew access granted. Welcome aboard, Conductor.
(A pause.)
DALE Thank you.
Sound: snore.
DALE (whispering) Sorry. Wrong room. I'll come back.
(A pause.)
DALE Conductor. It said conductor. To my face. Nobody's ever called me by my title before. I've never had a title.
DALE I'm not going without Nana. That's first. And second, I have to tell somebody. You can't get a private entrance and not tell anybody. Then it's just a door.
DALE Phil's going to be sick about this. He's out there fighting teeth for every level, and I walked up to my own door and said hello.
DALE Crew passes. That's the idea. Twenty dollars a pass. Forty for the Level Nines, because they're so close they'll pay anything. Fifty for Hollis.
Sound: ls chime.
THE ANNOUNCER Departure in thirty-two minutes. Current applicants: eleven million, six hundred thousand and forty. Boarding requirement: Level Ten. We apologize for the inconvenience.
DALE Eleven million customers. I'm going to need a little table.
Sound: ls gnasher.
DALE You're not crew.
Sound: ls gnasher.
DALE I'm not saying I'm crew either. I'm going to go around the back.
Sound: ls1 run pavement.
Scene: laundromat day.
Sound: coins count.
PHIL That's the whole jar from my classroom. Missus Tummins, which of these dryers runs the hottest?
NANA Nine. Nine's had a temper since the day it came. Twelve runs hotter, but twelve eats socks.
PHIL How many can you start at once?
NANA All of them, if you've got the quarters. What was the jar for?
PHIL A field trip.
NANA Where were you going?
PHIL The aquarium. It's all right. We weren't going to make the deposit anyway.
NANA You always did put too much of yourself in that job.
NANA Where's Dale?
PHIL Trying to talk the train into something.
NANA He gets that from his grandfather. His grandfather once talked a bank into lending him a boat.
PHIL How did that go?
NANA It was a nice boat for about a week.
(A pause.)
NANA Is he going to be all right, Phil? Really?
PHIL He's Level One, Missus Tummins.
NANA He's been Level One his whole life. He gets by.
Sound: ls gnasher.
NANA Phil, they're chewing my doormat.
PHIL Let them chew it. Here's the plan. They run cold, and heat shrinks them. I prop the front door, they come in after the towels, the towels are in the dryers, and we shut the doors on them.
NANA My towels.
PHIL I'll buy you new towels.
NANA You'll fold these ones after.
PHIL Yes, ma'am.
Sound: mz coin.
PHIL Which way is high?
NANA Not on Delicates.
PHIL Sorry.
NANA Other way. All the way round. Where it clicks.
Sound: mz door bell.
Sound: ls gnasher.
PHIL (shouting) Nine! Shut nine!
Sound: dryer door.
Sound: dryer thump.
Sound: ls gnasher pop.
Sound: ls level up.
Sound: ls gnasher pop.
Sound: ls level up.
NANA Twelve's got one.
Sound: dryer door.
Sound: ls gnasher pop.
Sound: ls level up.
PHIL (out of breath) Five. Six. That's Seven.
NANA Does it always ding like that?
PHIL Every level.
NANA Mine's never dinged.
PHIL You haven't been fighting anything, Missus Tummins.
NANA I've been fighting the sock in twelve for twenty years.
Sound: ls gnasher pop.
Sound: ls level up.
PHIL Eight.
NANA There. Now sit down before you fall down. And then fold.
PHIL Missus Tummins. When Dale comes back, he's going to have a plan for you.
NANA I know he is.
PHIL Will you listen to it?
NANA I always listen to Dale, Phil. That's how I know what he's up to.
(A pause.)
Sound: door bang.
DALE (out of breath) Nana! Phil! I'm in!
PHIL Dale, mind the towels. They're clean.
DALE I found a door. A private door, at the very back. Crew only. And it opened for me, Phil, because it knew who I was. It said welcome aboard, Conductor. It used my title.
PHIL That's great, Dale.
DALE Those front doors and I had a little talk earlier. I walked away from that one. I let them have it. That's what the bigger man does.
PHIL That's not how I remember it.
DALE How do you remember it?
PHIL It said no to you about thirty times, and you kept telling it you were unique.
DALE And it heard me, Phil. It just passed it on to the right door.
DALE I'm going to sell crew passes. I've done the pricing.
PHIL Dale, it's a door that opens for crew.
DALE So is every good club.
DALE Nana. Get your coat. I've got us a private entrance.
NANA That's nice, honey.
DALE Nana. Coat.
NANA These towels came out of a dryer with a monster in them, Dale. They're not going to fold themselves.
Sound: ls chime.
THE ANNOUNCER Departure in nineteen minutes. Current applicants: fourteen million, two hundred thousand and six. Boarding requirement: Level Ten. We apologize for the inconvenience.
DALE Phil, what are you now?
PHIL Eight.
DALE Eight? In this one room? I was in here all morning yesterday, reading the paper. I didn't get one ding.
PHIL There weren't any monsters in the dryers yesterday.
DALE There was a sock in twelve.
Scene: ls main street train.
DALE Crew passes. Twenty dollars. You there, sir. You look like a Level Nine. You've got that look, like you've been almost something your whole life.
A MAN Does it work?
DALE It works for me. I've been through it twice.
A MAN Then what am I paying for?
DALE The feeling, sir. That's what anybody pays for.
Sound: ls1 big gnasher.
A MAN It's on the doors! It's sitting right on the doors!
A WOMAN Get back! Everybody get back from the train!
Sound: crowd gasp.
AN OLD MAN It came up out of the drain by the bank. The whole drain came with it.
Sound: pencil scratch.
PHIL Same as the little ones. It runs cold. There's just more of it. A lot more.
DALE Phil, how many levels is that thing worth?
PHIL I only need one.
DALE Then it's wasted on you. Let me have it. I need nine.
PHIL Dale, you've got a door. I don't. I've got four minutes and a pencil.
Sound: ls1 big gnasher.
DALE Okay. Okay. What's the plan? I like a plan. I'll even help with it, as long as it's mostly yours.
PHIL The dryer vent on the side of the Duck. Your Nana's running every machine on high. If it stands in that hot air long enough, it goes the way of the little ones.
DALE Who's going to get it to stand there?
PHIL Somebody it wants to chase.
(A pause.)
Sound: ls1 big gnasher.
DALE (panicked) I'm going home!
Sound: ls1 run pavement.
PHIL Yes! Dale, yes! Keep doing that!
DALE I'm not doing anything! I'm leaving!
PHIL Leave toward the vent!
DALE The vent is home, Phil! Home is where I'm going!
Sound: ls1 dryer vent.
Sound: ls1 big gnasher.
(A pause.)
Sound: ls1 big shrink.
DALE Phil! I'm scaring it down to size!
PHIL Keep it in the air! Don't let it back out!
DALE I'm not letting it do anything! It's chasing me in a circle!
Sound: ls1 big shrink.
Sound: ls punch.
DALE Got it! One hole! Right in the side! That one's mine!
Sound: ls gnasher pop.
Sound: ls level up.
Sound: crowd cheer.
A WOMAN The doors are clear! Go! Go!
(A pause.)
PHIL Ten.
DALE That was an assist. You write down that I had an assist.
PHIL I'll write it down.
DALE Write it big.
HOLLIS (shouting) Brumley! This door! One minute!
PHIL Dale. Bring her. Promise me you'll bring her.
DALE I'll bring her. Go on. I've got my own door.
HOLLIS Tummins! Where are you getting on?
DALE Private entrance, Hollis! Crew!
HOLLIS Of course it is. Hand, Brumley. Now.
Sound: ls doors open.
(A pause.)
NANA Is it gone? I've got every machine going. The meter's spinning like a top.
DALE It's gone. I put a hole in it.
NANA Did Phil get on?
DALE He got Ten. I had an assist. He's writing it down.
NANA Good for Phil.
DALE Come on, Nana. This way. The private entrance. Don't mind the teeth on the sidewalk, they're all small now.
NANA I'm in my slippers, Dale.
DALE That's fine. It's crew. Nobody dresses up.
Sound: ls crew door.
Sound: ls notice.
THE ANNOUNCER Crew access only.
DALE She's with me. She's my grandmother. Make her crew. I'm the conductor, and I'm authorizing it.
THE ANNOUNCER Unauthorized class may not authorize. We apologize for the inconvenience.
DALE Then I'm not going.
(A pause.)
NANA Dale. I've got a load in.
DALE Leave it, Nana.
NANA I've never left a load in my life. Somebody's got to be here when it's done.
Sound: ls1 postcard rack.
NANA Here. The postcards from by the register. All of them. And a roll of quarters.
DALE What do I need quarters for?
NANA You never know when you'll need a dryer.
NANA Write to me, honey.
DALE I'll stay. I'll fold. I'm a good folder. I'm better than you think.
NANA You'll miss your train.
(A pause.)
DALE I'll bring you back a magnet. From wherever it stops.
NANA That's nice, honey.
Sound: ls doors warn.
Sound: ls chime.
THE ANNOUNCER Zero minutes, zero seconds. Current applicants: nineteen million, nine hundred and seven thousand and three. Departure.
Music: sting transition dark.
Scene: ls carriage bed.
WARDEN GANT Eyes front, passengers. I'm Warden Gant. This is a fare check. It's quick if you let it be quick.
A MAN Warden, we only just got here.
WARDEN GANT And now you've got a ticket. Right pocket. Don't ask me how it gets there. It always does.
A WOMAN It's a black card. It's got my name on it. I never gave anybody my name.
WARDEN GANT Read me your destination.
A WOMAN End of Route.
WARDEN GANT Same as everyone. Next.
AN OLD MAN Where's End of Route?
WARDEN GANT At the end of the route, passenger. Remaining fare?
AN OLD MAN Zero.
WARDEN GANT Zero for all of you, near enough. That's normal. You'll earn it at the stops. Next.
A WOMAN Warden. My husband's Level Four. He was right behind me at the door. Is there another train?
(A pause.)
WARDEN GANT There's one train, passenger. I'm sorry. Next.
A BOY Warden, where do we sleep?
WARDEN GANT Any bunk with nobody in it. If somebody's in it, it isn't yours. Your level and your fare say how far forward you ride, and right now yours say here.
A BOY For how long?
WARDEN GANT Till they say something else. Next.
A MAN What's a Caboose? The fellow at the door said we're lucky we're not in the Caboose.
WARDEN GANT Last carriage on the train. That's where people go when they've got nothing left to ride on. You don't want to end up there. Next.
WARDEN GANT You. The big one. Name.
HOLLIS Brandt.
WARDEN GANT Level.
HOLLIS Ten.
WARDEN GANT Back cars, like the rest of your world. Find a bunk, keep out of the gangways, and don't let me see you up front without a reason.
HOLLIS Understood.
A MAN Warden. Somebody got on at the very back. A little door, right on the end. He wasn't in the line with the rest of us.
WARDEN GANT There's nothing at the very back but the Caboose. And nothing gets in there but what gets sent.
A MAN Little fellow. Cap too big for him. He was talking to it.
WARDEN GANT To the cap?
A MAN To the door. He was being nice to it.
WARDEN GANT Brandt. Same town as him. You know a little fellow in a cap?
(A pause.)
HOLLIS No.
WARDEN GANT Hm. Next.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: ls caboose bed.
Sound: ls1 town fades.
(A pause.)
Sound: ls1 neon off.
(A pause.)
DALE Bye, Nana.
(A pause.)
Sound: ls chime.
THE ANNOUNCER This world is now closed. Next stop: Mirelight. We apologize for the end of your world.
(A pause.)
DALE Apology accepted.
(A pause.)
DALE Dear Nana. It's dark, so if I go off the edge of the card, that's the train's fault, not my handwriting.
Sound: pencil scratch.
DALE I made it. They put me at the very back, which in my line of work is where they put the important people, so nobody bothers them.
DALE It's a shared office for now. About eighty people. Most of them snore. The stove is the only one who's said hello.
DALE Nobody's asked to see my card yet. I think they can tell.
DALE Don't run twelve tonight. It'll eat a sock and you'll be up looking for it.
DALE P.S. Phil got on through the regular door, like everybody else.
(A pause.)
AUNTIE VELL Go to sleep, love.
Scene: ls caboose bed.
PIM Are you real?
DALE Ow.
PIM You're real. I poked the hat and you said ow.
DALE It's a cap. Who are you?
PIM Pim. I'm ten. I sleep in the hammock over your bunk, and I've been waiting since the lamps came up for you to wake up.
DALE Why?
PIM Because my gran used to tell me about conductors. She said they wore caps, and walked up and down, and knew everybody's name without asking.
DALE That's me. That's exactly me.
PIM She said they were a story.
DALE Well, she was right about everything but that. Ticket, please.
PIM What?
DALE Tickets, please. It's what we say.
PIM Hang on. It's in here somewhere. Hang on.
Sound: ls punch.
DALE Pim. Porter. Level Two. Destination: Unassigned. Remaining fare: three.
PIM It's still in my pocket! How did you read it in my pocket?
DALE Ticket Inspection. And that's a fine. You didn't show it fast enough.
PIM How much?
DALE Five Essence.
PIM I've only got three.
DALE Then you owe me two. That's how fines work.
PIM (excited) I've been fined. By a real conductor. Nobody on this whole train has ever been fined by a real conductor.
AN OLD MAN Some of us are still sleeping, Pim.
PIM I got fined, Mister Abernethy!
AN OLD MAN Good. Now get fined quieter.
PIM Can I hold the punch?
DALE Crew only.
PIM How do I get to be crew?
DALE You have to be unauthorized, Pim. It takes years. Most people never get there.
Sound: pencil scratch.
DALE I'm starting a book. Fines. Pim, five. It's on a postcard for now. Greetings from Wendleton. When we get a real book I'll copy it over.
Sound: ls1 soup ladle.
AUNTIE VELL Eat, love. You came aboard with nothing but a hat and a hole punch.
DALE Cap.
PIM That's Auntie Vell. She's been on the train forty-three years. She knows everything.
AUNTIE VELL I know where the soup is. That's most of everything. Eat.
DALE What is it?
AUNTIE VELL Tuesday.
DALE It's morning.
AUNTIE VELL The soup is called Tuesday.
DALE Who named it?
AUNTIE VELL Nobody remembers. Eat it while it's hot.
(A pause.)
DALE Why are my ears warm?
AUNTIE VELL That's the soup.
DALE Auntie Vell. Ticket, please.
AUNTIE VELL You're not fining me, love.
DALE I'm only looking.
Sound: ls punch.
DALE Vell of Tamsk. Cook. Level Twenty-three. Destination: End of Route. Remaining fare: four.
DALE End of Route. That sounds nice. Is that a resort?
AUNTIE VELL I've never asked.
DALE Forty-three years, and you never asked where you're going?
AUNTIE VELL Never needed to. It's where the train goes.
DALE I'll tell you what it's got. A pool. Little umbrellas. Somebody comes around with towels, and you don't even have to fold them.
AUNTIE VELL Eat your soup.
(A pause.)
PIM Conductor. What's it like? Outside?
DALE Which outside?
PIM Any of them. I've only ever seen it go by.
DALE You're not missing much, Pim. Outside is mostly parking. And weather. And people asking you for money.
PIM I'd like to see weather.
(A pause.)
DALE This cap keeps sliding down. I can't inspect anybody if I can't see them.
DALE And something in this pocket has been poking me all night.
PIM That's your ticket. Everybody gets one. It comes in your pocket.
DALE Mine? Huh. It's the right thickness. Fold it twice, tuck it in the band, and the cap fits. There.
PIM You're not going to read it?
DALE I'm the one who reads, Pim. Somebody has to be on this end of the punch.
PIM Can you fine me again?
DALE Not until you've paid the first one.
PIM I'm never going to pay it.
DALE Then you'll be in the book forever.
PIM Forever.
Scene: ls caboose bed.
Sound: ls chime.
THE ANNOUNCER Good morning, passengers. This is your morning notice. The Last Train stops once every twenty-four hours. Each stop is one hour.
PIM Each stop is one hour.
AUNTIE VELL Pim. Don't do the voice.
DALE Hang on, I'm writing this on the back of a postcard. Every twenty-four hours. One hour. What if the hour isn't long enough?
THE ANNOUNCER The doors close on time.
DALE What if somebody's in the bathroom?
THE ANNOUNCER The doors close on time.
DALE Who's driving?
THE ANNOUNCER The Last Train thanks you for your interest.
DALE That's a no.
AUNTIE VELL That's what it says to everything it doesn't want to say, love.
AUNTIE VELL You can stop asking it things. I've heard this notice ten thousand times. It's never once said anything different.
DALE That's because nobody's asked it the right questions. In my line of work, the questions are the whole job.
AUNTIE VELL What is your line of work?
DALE Consulting.
AUNTIE VELL Who do you consult?
DALE That's one of the questions.
THE ANNOUNCER Essence gathered at a stop is fed into the fare box as you board. It is added to your remaining fare, and to the Daily Quota.
PIM And to the Daily Quota.
DALE What's the quota?
AUNTIE VELL What the train burns in a day. Every carriage costs it something to pull.
DALE And who keeps track?
AUNTIE VELL It does. It reads the tally every time the doors close. You'll hear it tonight.
Sound: compartment door.
Sound: sneeze.
PHIL Excuse me. Sorry. It's the stove. Dale.
DALE Phil! How did you find me?
PHIL I walked back. Ninety-one carriages. I counted.
DALE You could have waited. I'd have sent for you.
PHIL With what?
DALE I'm crew, Phil. I'd have thought of something.
AUNTIE VELL Sit, love. Nobody walks back here on purpose. Who's this one?
DALE That's Phil. He's with me. He's my... he's Phil.
PHIL Phil Brumley. Thank you, ma'am. I'm allergic to most things, so I'll take the seat by the window.
THE ANNOUNCER If the Daily Quota is not met, the rearmost carriage will be released at the next stop. We apologize for the inconvenience.
DALE Released. That doesn't sound bad. That's like getting out early for good behavior.
(A pause.)
AUNTIE VELL We're the rearmost carriage, love. We're the end of the line.
(A pause.)
DALE So we're last on the board.
PIM What board?
DALE Every quota has a board, Pim. Somebody's on top and somebody's on the bottom, and the bottom is where all the motivation is. By the end of the week, I want this Caboose first in sales.
PIM We don't sell anything.
DALE That's why we're last.
PHIL Dale, I made a list on the way back. Of what I learned.
DALE Of course you did.
PHIL The farther forward you go, the nicer the carpets. The men in gray coats with silver buttons are Wardens. They do the fare checks, and they move you backward when your fare runs low.
PHIL They call the gate in the middle the Velvet Gate. Nobody from back here goes past it. About thirty thousand people aboard, they think. And nobody has ever been in the locomotive. The door's never opened. Not once.
DALE Mind the gap.
PHIL What gap?
DALE It's what conductors say, Phil. It means good point.
PHIL Does it?
DALE It does now.
(A pause.)
PHIL Dale. If we're the rearmost carriage, and something goes wrong...
DALE Then everybody on this train is in front of us, Phil. Thirty thousand people, all facing our way. You can't buy that kind of foot traffic.
Scene: ls first class bed.
WARDEN GANT Head Warden Morrow. Earth intake. Nine hundred and twelve.
HEAD WARDEN MORROW Out of a thousand seats. Thank you, Gant. Sit, if you like.
WARDEN GANT I'll stand, sir. I've been sitting with Earth people half the night. They ask a lot of questions.
HEAD WARDEN MORROW You always stand. Their levels?
WARDEN GANT One to ten, sir. Mostly the bottom of that. They're in the back cars with the rest.
HEAD WARDEN MORROW That many, and not one of them above Level Ten. What does a Level Three bring back from a stop, Gant?
WARDEN GANT A handful, sir. If he comes back.
HEAD WARDEN MORROW Then the back cars will run short for a while. They always do, after an intake. It evens out.
WARDEN GANT Sir, if they run short, I'm told the Reserve could carry a day or two.
HEAD WARDEN MORROW The Reserve isn't for the back cars.
WARDEN GANT No, sir.
HEAD WARDEN MORROW What was it like? Their world.
WARDEN GANT I only saw the one street, sir. A lake at the bottom of it. Shops. A laundry with a duck in the window, lit up.
HEAD WARDEN MORROW You noticed the duck.
WARDEN GANT It was the last thing lit, sir. Hard to miss.
(A pause.)
HEAD WARDEN MORROW Tea? It's from a world that closed a long time ago. They grew it on terraces. There's about a year of it left.
WARDEN GANT No, thank you, sir.
HEAD WARDEN MORROW You never take any.
WARDEN GANT I'd only get to like it, sir.
(A pause.)
WARDEN GANT One more thing. Probably nothing. A passenger came aboard through a crew door.
(A pause.)
HEAD WARDEN MORROW Say that again, please.
WARDEN GANT Through a crew door, sir. At the very back. One of the Earth people saw it. Little fellow, in a cap too big for him.
WARDEN GANT He said the fellow was being nice to the door.
HEAD WARDEN MORROW Nice.
WARDEN GANT To the door, sir. That's what he said.
HEAD WARDEN MORROW The crew doors don't open.
WARDEN GANT That's what I told him, sir. But I counted the Caboose this morning. Eighty-one people lived in it yesterday. Today it's eighty-two, and nobody was sent back there.
HEAD WARDEN MORROW Eighty-two.
(A pause.)
HEAD WARDEN MORROW Is the cook still back there? The one from Tamsk.
WARDEN GANT Vell, sir. Forty-three years.
HEAD WARDEN MORROW Then she remembers more than most of us. Don't ask her anything, Gant. Not yet.
WARDEN GANT I wasn't going to, sir. She feeds my patrol when we come through.
WARDEN GANT Sir, with respect. Conductors are a story. They tell them to the kids in the back cars, so they'll go to sleep.
HEAD WARDEN MORROW The class was discontinued before you were born, Gant. Discontinued isn't the same as a story. Nobody discontinues a story.
WARDEN GANT Sir.
HEAD WARDEN MORROW Find out what he is.
WARDEN GANT And if he's nothing, sir?
HEAD WARDEN MORROW Then it won't take you long.
WARDEN GANT Sir.
Sound: compartment door.
HEAD WARDEN MORROW Gant.
WARDEN GANT Sir?
HEAD WARDEN MORROW Keep counting.
Scene: ls market bed.
Sound: ls abacus.
FOB Four for the kettle. Three if I keep the lid. Five if you take the lid back and stop looking at me like that.
A WOMAN Fob, it's my kettle. I'm the one selling it.
FOB Then it's two. You should've led with that. Next.
A MAN Window seat! One hour by a real window! Three Essence!
HOLLIS Fob.
FOB Hollis Brandt. My new partner. Did you take the berth?
HOLLIS Sixth car of the Middle. Top bunk. Two Essence a day.
FOB Two? I'd have got it for you at one.
HOLLIS And charged me one to do it.
FOB That's why I like you. You've sold things before.
HOLLIS Jet skis.
FOB What's a jet ski?
HOLLIS A boat for a man who shouldn't have a boat.
Sound: ls abacus.
FOB Ever sell one on credit?
HOLLIS Once.
FOB And?
HOLLIS He's on this train.
FOB Not the hat. Tell me it's the hat. The Wardens were up and down the Middle at breakfast, asking about a man who came aboard through the little door at the very back. A door nobody uses, because it doesn't open.
HOLLIS It opened for him.
FOB Then he's worth something. What does he owe you?
HOLLIS Four thousand dollars.
FOB I don't know what that is, but I love how you said it.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: ls carriage bed.
Sound: ls2 gangway.
AN OLD MAN Shut that behind you. Some of us have the bunk by the door.
DALE Sorry, sir. Crew coming through. Phil, how many cars is that?
PHIL Two hundred and six since the Caboose.
DALE When I was consulting, if a guy had to walk two hundred and six of anything to work, I'd have told him to move the work.
PHIL You never had a client.
DALE I'd have told him if I had one.
A WOMAN That's him. That's the hat.
A MAN I heard he fined a little girl in the Caboose.
DALE She'd been riding ten years without showing her ticket, sir. Ten years. I'm the first man who ever asked.
A MAN She's ten.
DALE Then it's her whole life. That's a pattern.
Sound: ls2 gangway.
Scene: ls market bed.
DALE Hollis. Ticket, please.
HOLLIS No.
Sound: ls punch.
DALE Hollis Brandt. Lifeguard. Level Twelve. Destination: End of Route. Remaining fare: thirty-one.
HOLLIS I said no.
DALE And I respect that. Twelve, Hollis. You were ten when I saw you last.
HOLLIS A man got stuck under a luggage rack this morning. So did his goat.
DALE Which one was the level?
HOLLIS Both.
DALE End of Route, though. Phil, that's the one Vell's got. That's two people I know going there.
PHIL Do you know what it is?
DALE It's where the route ends, Phil. That's where they put the nice places, so nobody's driving through on the way to somewhere better.
FOB Who's the hat?
HOLLIS That's the hat.
DALE Dale Tummins. Conductor. I do the tickets on this train, so I'll be doing yours.
Sound: ls abacus.
FOB Fob. Broker. I do everything else on this train. Twelve Essence for the hat.
DALE It's a cap.
FOB Fifteen. There's a gentleman in First Class who collects old uniforms, and that's the one he hasn't got.
DALE It's not for sale, Fob. It's how people know who to report to.
HOLLIS Dale. Four thousand dollars.
DALE Glad you brought that up, Hollis. There aren't any dollars anymore. Everybody's on Essence now. The dollar's over. So in a way, we're square.
HOLLIS Fob.
Sound: ls abacus.
FOB Forty Essence.
DALE Yesterday it was dollars.
HOLLIS Yesterday there was a dollar.
DALE I've got quarters. A whole roll. Nana gave me them.
FOB Let me see. Ooh. Shiny. What do they do?
DALE Four of them dry a load for forty minutes.
FOB What's a load?
DALE They're not for sale. I just want it on the record I came aboard with money.
Sound: sneeze.
PHIL Excuse me. It's the Essence. It gets in the air in here.
FOB Bless you. That's a half.
DALE Fob, you're a man who knows an opportunity, so I'm going to give you one. Ticket inspection. Know your level. Two Essence.
FOB Everybody knows their level, friend. It's the first thing anyone tells you, and then they tell you again.
HOLLIS Twelve.
DALE Know your class, then.
FOB Same.
DALE Know your remaining fare.
FOB I'm a broker. I know everybody's remaining fare. Mostly before they do.
DALE Know your destination.
FOB End of Route. Everybody's is, near enough.
DALE Thirty thousand people on one train, Phil, and they're all going on the same trip, and nobody told the conductor.
PHIL Maybe nobody knows where it is.
DALE Then somebody up front's planning a surprise. Come on. We're going to see the driver.
Scene: ls carriage bed.
Sound: ls2 gangway.
WARDEN GANT That's far enough. Warden Gant. Passengers stop at the rope.
DALE Morning, Warden. Dale Tummins, Conductor. I'm crew, and I'm here to see the driver.
WARDEN GANT There's no driver.
DALE Then whoever's driving.
WARDEN GANT Nobody's driving, passenger.
DALE Phil, write that down. Nobody's driving. That's going in my report.
Sound: pencil scratch.
PHIL Who's the report for?
DALE The driver.
DALE Is that real velvet?
WARDEN GANT Don't touch the rope.
DALE I've been on the wrong side of a lot of ropes, Warden. Nightclubs. The bank. A wedding once. I was invited to the wedding. They just didn't think I'd come.
PHIL It was my sister's wedding.
DALE And it was a lovely rope.
WARDEN GANT Nobody goes past First Class. Nobody goes into First Class without a seat in it. And nobody goes anywhere on my watch without a ticket. Ticket.
DALE Crew don't need tickets.
WARDEN GANT Everybody's got a ticket. It turns up in your pocket the day you board.
DALE Not crew. And before you ask, the cap's uniform. Nobody touches the cap.
WARDEN GANT I wasn't going to touch the cap.
DALE Good. Then we understand each other.
WARDEN GANT Pockets.
Sound: mz postcard flutter.
WARDEN GANT What are these?
DALE Greetings from Wendleton. I'd give you one, but they're spoken for.
WARDEN GANT And this?
DALE That's my punch. Careful. It's loaded.
WARDEN GANT With what?
DALE Holes.
WARDEN GANT No ticket.
DALE Crew don't need tickets. That's twice I've told you, Warden, and I don't like to say a thing three times. It wears it out.
WARDEN GANT Step back from the rope.
DALE Warden Gant, I'm going to have to fine you. Obstructing crew. Ten Essence.
Sound: pencil scratch.
WARDEN GANT No.
DALE You can't say no to a fine.
WARDEN GANT Passenger, I'm a Warden. I give fines. I don't take them.
DALE Then I'll put you down as declined. That's worse. It stays in the book.
WARDEN GANT What book?
DALE My fines book.
WARDEN GANT That's a postcard.
DALE It's a postcard now. It's going to be a book.
Sound: pencil scratch.
WARDEN GANT Dale Tummins. No ticket shown at the Velvet Gate. Fare evader. You're assigned to the rearmost carriage. Permanently.
Sound: stamp approved.
DALE The Caboose?
WARDEN GANT Permanently.
DALE Phil. Did you hear that?
PHIL I heard it.
DALE You know what they call the office at the very back, with windows on three sides?
PHIL The Caboose.
DALE The corner office, Phil. Thank you, Warden. I won't let you down.
WARDEN GANT Step back from the rope.
Sound: ls2 gangway.
(A pause.)
A WOMAN Warden. Did that man just try to fine you?
WARDEN GANT He tried.
A WOMAN Can he do that?
WARDEN GANT No.
A MAN Nine years I've stood at this rope, every morning. Nobody's ever fined anybody. Is that what it smells like through there? Is that the carpet?
WARDEN GANT That's the carpet. Step back.
A WOMAN My father used to say conductors wore caps like that.
WARDEN GANT Conductors are a story, passenger.
A WOMAN He had a lot of stories about them.
WARDEN GANT Everybody's father does.
Sound: pencil scratch.
WARDEN GANT I'm still writing up the hat.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: ls carriage bed.
DALE I thought that went well. He saw me coming, Phil. You could see it in his face. He knew he was dealing with management, he panicked, and he gave me the office.
PHIL That's not how I remember it.
DALE How do you remember it?
PHIL He sent you to the back of the train forever.
DALE Only if you're facing forward. I'm going to put my desk facing the back window. Then I'm at the front of everything.
PHIL There's nothing back there, Dale. Just track.
DALE Then nobody's going to get ahead of me.
(A pause.)
DALE Permanently, Phil. Nobody's ever given me anything permanently. Nana had me month to month.
Scene: ls caboose bed.
Sound: ls2 door rattle.
PIM Locked.
AUNTIE VELL It's always locked, love. It was locked yesterday, and the day before, and every day since before you were born.
PIM I try it every day. One day it'll be a different day.
AUNTIE VELL Not for that door.
Sound: ls2 door rattle.
PIM Conductor! It's a crew door, and you're the only crew. You do it.
DALE Pim, a man doesn't barge into his own office on the first day. He waits to be invited. That's how you get respect.
PIM Nobody's going to invite you. Nobody's been in there in forty years.
AUNTIE VELL Dale, love. Open the door, or let the child go to bed knowing it can't be done. One or the other.
DALE Fine. But I'm only doing it as a favor to Pim.
Sound: ls crew door.
Sound: crowd gasp.
PIM (excited) It opened! Vell, it opened!
(A pause.)
AUNTIE VELL Well.
(A pause.)
AUNTIE VELL Not once. Not once since I came back to this car.
DALE Everybody stay back. Staff only. Phil, you're staff. Pim, you're staff. Vell, you're...
AUNTIE VELL Minding the stove. Go on.
Scene: ls crew closet bed.
Sound: ls2 chair spin.
DALE Nobody sit in that chair. I mean it, Pim. That's the most important chair on the train.
PIM Can I spin it?
DALE Once. Under supervision.
Sound: ls2 chair spin.
PIM (laughing) Again!
DALE That was the once.
Sound: book thump.
PHIL Rulebook. Crew. It's got an index, and the index has an index.
DALE Put it on the desk, Phil, facing out. You don't read a rulebook. You keep it where people can see it, so they know there are rules.
PHIL I'd like to read it.
DALE Do it on your own time. That's how it starts. You read one rule, and the next thing you know, you're following them.
Sound: ls log click.
PIM What's that?
PHIL Shh.
THE LOG Log of Conductor Orrin Fask. Stops remaining, unknown. They held the vote today. I'm still aboard, for now. Whoever's sitting in my chair: keep punching tickets. It matters more than they think. And somebody please empty the mail.
(A pause.)
DALE Phil. They left me a tape.
PHIL I don't think it was for you, Dale.
DALE Whoever's sitting in my chair, he said. Who's in the chair, Phil?
PHIL You are.
DALE It's a motivational one. We had a man like that at the job fair. He told me to keep doing what I was doing, and I did, for nine years.
Sound: pencil scratch.
PHIL They held the vote today. What vote?
PIM Who's Orrin?
DALE The last guy in the chair, Pim. He did all right for himself. He got a speaker.
DALE Somebody please empty the mail. He's right, too. Pim, hold the cards.
DALE This one's from last night. I wrote it in the dark, so if it's crooked, that was the train.
Sound: ls mail slot.
DALE And a fresh one.
Sound: pencil scratch.
DALE Dear Nana. I have an office.
DALE It's got a door that only opens for me, which I've always wanted, and a chair that spins, which I didn't know I wanted until today.
DALE It's got a book of rules I'm not going to read, and a man in the wall who says I'm doing a good job.
DALE There's a girl here named Pim, and she thinks I'm real.
PIM You are real.
DALE She says I'm real.
DALE P.S. A Warden named Gant wouldn't take a fine. If he ever comes in for a dry, give him the machine that sticks.
Sound: ls mail slot.
(A pause.)
PIM Where does it go?
(A pause.)
PHIL I don't know.
DALE Wendleton, Pim. It might take a couple of days. It's a long way back.
(A pause.)
PHIL And somebody please empty the mail.
DALE Done, Phil. Twice. Write that down.
Scene: ls caboose bed.
Sound: ls1 soup ladle.
AUNTIE VELL Eat.
PHIL Thank you. Is this the Tuesday?
AUNTIE VELL It's always the Tuesday.
PHIL Dale says he's going to have it renamed after him.
AUNTIE VELL Dale can try. It's been Tuesday longer than he's been anything.
PHIL It's very good.
AUNTIE VELL It's always good. That's the other thing about it.
Sound: ls notice.
PHIL Oh. A notice. Well fed. Small resistance to cold. Lasts until morning.
AUNTIE VELL That sounds about right.
PHIL Does everybody get that?
AUNTIE VELL Everybody who finishes the bowl.
Sound: sneeze.
PHIL Excuse me. It's the stove.
AUNTIE VELL It smokes when the wind's from the front. The wind's always from the front.
Sound: snore.
PHIL Is he all right in there?
AUNTIE VELL He's in a closet that's been shut for forty years, with a chair that goes round. I've never seen a man so happy. Leave him.
(A pause.)
AUNTIE VELL You brought your bag back here this afternoon.
PHIL I asked the Wardens if I could move. They didn't mind. They said nobody had ever asked.
AUNTIE VELL Nobody ever has. You had a bunk in a warm car up the line, love. Level Ten. There are people in this car who'd trade everything they own for that bunk.
PHIL It was a good bunk.
AUNTIE VELL So why are you sleeping under my coat hooks?
PHIL I understand.
AUNTIE VELL That isn't an answer.
PHIL No.
(A pause.)
AUNTIE VELL Well. It's dry under the hooks. Mostly.
PHIL How long have you been aboard, Vell?
AUNTIE VELL Forty-three years. I was younger than Pim when it came for Tamsk.
PHIL What was Tamsk like?
AUNTIE VELL Wet. It rained every day of the year, and the roofs were all slate, so you could hear the whole town. My mother said she could tell whose house was whose by the sound of the rain on it.
AUNTIE VELL I lie up there some nights and listen to the wheels, and I try to make them sound like rain. They never quite do.
(A pause.)
PHIL The notice this morning. The rearmost carriage.
AUNTIE VELL Released. You'll hear that word a lot back here.
PHIL Have you seen one go?
AUNTIE VELL More times than I'm going to count for you.
(A pause.)
AUNTIE VELL You hear the coupling first. A big iron sound, out past that back window. Then the train pulls off and the car doesn't. It just sits there on the track behind us, getting smaller. There are people at its windows. Some of them wave.
AUNTIE VELL So you wave back, till the track bends. That's all there is to do. Then you go and stir something.
Sound: ls1 soup ladle.
(A pause.)
PHIL Dale says he's a conductor.
AUNTIE VELL He is one. The door opened.
PHIL Have you ever met one before?
AUNTIE VELL Once. When I was a girl. A tall old man, always had his watch out, like he was late for something only he knew about.
(A pause.)
AUNTIE VELL He let me punch a ticket once.
PHIL Whose?
AUNTIE VELL Mine. He held my hand on the punch. I've still got the hole.
AUNTIE VELL They used to stop for anyone, my gran said. Any world, any platform, anybody at all standing on it. Then one day there weren't any conductors.
PHIL Where did they go?
AUNTIE VELL Nobody said. You learn not to ask, on here. You've got enough to carry.
PHIL Pim asked me today what grass feels like.
AUNTIE VELL She'll ask you everything. She was born aboard. Ten years, and she's never once set a foot off. Every stop she stands at the door with me and watches the rest of us go.
PHIL Why doesn't she go?
AUNTIE VELL Because I say so. Out there is an hour, and an hour isn't long, and the doors don't wait for anybody, least of all a child.
Sound: snore.
DALE (sleepy) Nobody spins the chair. Not without supervision.
(A pause.)
AUNTIE VELL Does he talk like that every night?
PHIL Only when he's happy.
Scene: ls caboose bed.
Sound: train brakes.
Sound: ls chime.
THE ANNOUNCER Now arriving: Mirelight. This stop is one hour. We apologize for the humidity.
AUNTIE VELL Sacks! Everyone going out takes a sack. Two if you can carry two. Phil, love, you're with the left-hand team. Stay where you can see the train.
PHIL Where can I see the train from?
AUNTIE VELL Anywhere. It's the biggest thing on any world we stop at. If you can't see it, you've gone too far.
A MAN Back in forty, Vell.
AUNTIE VELL Back in thirty-five. The chime goes at ten minutes, and when it goes, you're already walking.
PIM I'll take a sack.
AUNTIE VELL You'll take the door with me.
PIM I always take the door with you.
AUNTIE VELL Then you know how it's done.
Sound: ls doors open.
Scene: ls mirelight bed.
Sound: sneeze.
PHIL Excuse me. That's spores. That's a lot of spores.
DALE Everybody form a line. Conductor on door duty. Tickets out as you step down, please. Conductors hold the door.
AUNTIE VELL The door doesn't hold, love. It closes when it closes.
DALE That's because nobody's been holding it. Forty years, Vell. It's out of practice.
Sound: ls punch.
DALE Brenna. Forager. Level Eight. Have a nice stop.
A WOMAN Did you just read me?
DALE It's what I do. You're a Forager, Brenna. You should be proud of that.
A WOMAN I know what I am.
Sound: ls punch.
DALE Teodor. Sweeper. Level Five. Sweep something nice.
AN OLD MAN There's no floor out there to sweep.
DALE Then you'll have the afternoon off. Next.
Sound: ls punch.
DALE Phil Brumley. Field Biologist. Level Ten. Phil, you're very well thought of.
PHIL It doesn't say that.
DALE It's implied. Go on. Be careful. Bring me back something with a weakness.
(A pause.)
PIM Conductor.
DALE Door duty, Pim. Make it quick.
PIM What's it like? Outside?
DALE Pim, it's right there. You can see it.
PIM I can see it. I want to know what it's like.
DALE Outside's overrated. The floor doesn't move, so you never get anywhere. And things grow up out of the ground, all on their own. Nobody asks them to.
PIM Out of the floor?
DALE Everywhere. You can't stop them. Grass, mostly. It's like carpet that won't stay cut.
PIM What does it feel like?
DALE Wet, in the morning, for no reason. Nobody spilled anything. It's just wet.
PIM What does it smell like?
DALE Whatever's closest. Here it's mushrooms. At home it was the dryer vent at the Sudsy Duck. Warm socks, all day long.
PIM I want that.
DALE You say that now.
PIM I want all of it. The wet and the socks and the floor that doesn't go anywhere.
AUNTIE VELL Pim. Door.
PIM I'm at the door. I'm just at the front of it.
DALE Pim. Mind the gap.
PIM What gap?
DALE The one between in here and out there. As long as you mind it, it stays right where it is, and so do you.
PIM How do you mind a gap?
DALE You stand next to it and look at it. That's most of the job.
(A pause.)
DALE How am I doing, Vell?
AUNTIE VELL The door's doing fine on its own, love.
DALE Because it knows I'm here.
Scene: ls mirelight bed.
Sound: ls2 puffcap waddle.
HOLLIS Phil. Behind you.
PHIL I know. Don't move. I'm writing.
Sound: pencil scratch.
PHIL Puffcap. Spongy. It isn't angry, it's under pressure. Puncture it and it collapses.
HOLLIS With what?
PHIL Umbrellas have a point. That's half of what they're for.
Sound: ls puffcap pop.
Sound: ls essence.
HOLLIS Huh.
PHIL The other half is rain.
Sound: ls level up.
PHIL Eleven.
HOLLIS Took you long enough.
Sound: ls2 puffcap waddle.
HOLLIS Mine.
Sound: bt soft bump.
(A pause.)
HOLLIS It bounced me.
PHIL Under pressure, Hollis. You have to puncture it.
HOLLIS I don't carry anything sharp. I carry people.
Sound: ls puffcap pop.
Sound: sneeze.
PHIL Excuse me. Spores.
HOLLIS You should've been a Lifeguard. Nothing I pull out of the water makes me sneeze.
PHIL Is that how you got to Twelve so fast? Pulling people out of things?
HOLLIS On this train, somebody's always in something. A bunk, a rack, a fight over a window. In the Coast Guard I'd make one good rescue a summer. Here I make one before breakfast.
Sound: pencil scratch.
HOLLIS That one's not moving, Phil. It's a mushroom.
PHIL I know. Nobody's ever written any of this down. I can't stop.
PHIL You came a long way back for a harvest, Hollis. Your berth's two hundred cars up.
HOLLIS I walked the length of it on the outside. I had business at the Caboose.
PHIL Dale.
HOLLIS Forty Essence. If the Caboose goes, my forty goes with it.
PHIL And Dale.
HOLLIS And my forty.
Sound: ls essence.
HOLLIS You moved into the Caboose, Fob says. Gave up a bunk in a good car.
PHIL It was a good bunk.
HOLLIS That's what I heard.
(A pause.)
HOLLIS Does he ever take that hat off?
PHIL To sleep. He hangs it on his chair, so nobody sits in the chair.
HOLLIS The Wardens are asking about him. Fob says they want to know what he is.
PHIL He's Dale.
HOLLIS That's what I told Fob. He charged me for it anyway.
HOLLIS Why do you stay with him, Phil? You could be up the train with me. Nobody'd fine you.
PHIL He came to my science fair. Every year, for eleven years. Nobody asked him to judge it, and he judged it.
HOLLIS How'd that go?
PHIL He gave everyone a ribbon. He'd made the ribbons himself, at the kitchen table. Some of them said First, and some of them said Also First.
HOLLIS Which one did you get?
PHIL Also First.
Sound: ls2 puffcap waddle.
Sound: ls puffcap pop.
PHIL You heard the morning notice. A short day, and the rearmost carriage is released at the next stop.
HOLLIS I heard it. Then I sat down with Fob and his beads and did some sums. The take's been sliding for a while now. The whole train's. Today we'll probably make it.
PHIL And tomorrow?
HOLLIS The way it's sliding, we won't. Fob says it'll come in short enough that somebody up front has to decide something. And they always decide the same thing.
PHIL And the rearmost carriage is the Caboose.
HOLLIS There's nothing behind it.
(A pause.)
PHIL Does he know?
HOLLIS Dale? Dale thinks it's a sales target.
PHIL He thinks the Caboose should be first in sales.
HOLLIS Then he'd better sell something.
Sound: ls essence.
HOLLIS Give me the sack. I'll carry it.
PHIL You'll charge me.
HOLLIS Carrying's free. Setting it down is extra.
HOLLIS The kid at your door asked me if I'd ever stood on grass.
PHIL Pim. She asks everybody.
HOLLIS Is she coming out?
PHIL No. She stays at the door with Vell. She's never been off.
Sound: ls2 small steps.
Scene: ls mirelight bed.
A MAN You can't fine a man for stepping off at a stop. Everybody steps off. That's what a stop is.
DALE Everybody shows a ticket, Odo. You were down the step before I got my punch up.
A MAN You read it anyway. I heard the click.
DALE I read it after. That's the offense. Odo. Gatherer. Level Seven. Failure to show in a timely manner. Five Essence.
Sound: pencil scratch.
A MAN I've lived in that car eleven years.
DALE Then you've had eleven years to get your ticket out.
AUNTIE VELL Dale. Where's Pim?
DALE She's on the door with you.
AUNTIE VELL She's not on the door with me.
DALE Then who's on the...
AUNTIE VELL Nobody's on the door! The door doesn't need anybody! That's why I gave it to her!
(A pause.)
AUNTIE VELL (shouting) Pim!
DALE She went out without showing her ticket. That's twice in two days, Vell. That's a habit.
AUNTIE VELL Dale. She's never been off. Not once. She doesn't know about the doors.
DALE I'm going. I'm going after her. Somebody hold the...
AUNTIE VELL Go!
Sound: mud squelch.
(A pause.)
AUNTIE VELL Odo. Go after him.
A MAN He just fined me.
AUNTIE VELL Then you'll have something to talk about on the way.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: ls mirelight bed.
Sound: mud squelch.
DALE Odo. Does it always squelch like this?
A MAN It's a swamp.
DALE This shoe's lost its bottom half, Odo. It's back there somewhere. The top half's hanging on out of loyalty. And something just licked my ankle.
A MAN That was a fern.
DALE Then it's a forward fern. You take the big mushrooms on the left. I'll take the little ones. The little ones look friendlier. She'll have gone for the friendly ones.
A MAN That's not how children work.
DALE It's how I'd do it.
Sound: mud squelch.
(A pause.)
DALE (out of breath) Pim. Pim, you can't just walk off a train. There's a procedure. There's a fine. I've got it half written.
(A pause.)
DALE Pim?
PIM Conductor.
(A pause.)
PIM What's that? Up there.
(A pause.)
PIM There's no ceiling. It doesn't stop.
(A pause.)
DALE (gentle) That's a sky, Pim. Every world gets one. Ours was blue. You'd have liked ours.
(A pause.)
PIM I like this one.
(A pause.)
PIM Can I stay one more minute?
DALE One.
(A pause.)
Sound: ls2 puffcap waddle.
DALE Pim. Get behind me.
PIM What is it?
DALE Somebody else without a ticket.
Sound: ls2 puffcap waddle.
DALE Sir. Sir, I'm going to need you to stop right there.
Sound: bt soft bump.
DALE All right. Now that's assault on crew.
Sound: ls punch.
Sound: ls puffcap pop.
(A pause.)
PIM (laughing) You popped it! Conductor, you popped it!
DALE One hole. That's all it needed. Some people just need to be told.
DALE Phil's been out here the whole stop with a notebook, writing them down. I did one in one go. Remember that, Pim, if anybody asks.
PIM It's flat.
DALE That doesn't get it out of the fine. Butting, fare evasion, and failure to stop when asked. Eight Essence.
Sound: pencil scratch.
Sound: ls essence.
PIM It left Essence. Conductor, it left loads!
DALE That's the fine. It paid. Pim, that's the first one that's ever paid.
PIM I'll carry it. I'm a Porter. Porters carry.
DALE That's a lot for one person.
PIM Porters carry more than they should. It says so.
Sound: ls essence.
Sound: ls essence.
DALE Leave me one, so I've got something to show for the book.
PIM No.
(A pause.)
PIM Am I fined?
DALE You're in the book.
PIM Next to the mushroom?
DALE Above the mushroom. You're a passenger.
DALE It was your stop too, I suppose. Come on. We're walking back, nice and calm. Running's for people who've done something.
Sound: bog bubble.
Sound: creature breath.
Scene: ls mirelight bed.
Sound: ls2 bog run.
HOLLIS (out of breath) Which way?
PHIL Toward the noise.
HOLLIS That's the wrong answer, Phil.
Sound: ls mire mother.
PHIL That came from the back of the train. The Caboose end.
HOLLIS The whole Caboose team's out on this side. Who'd be back there?
PHIL Nobody. Dale's on the door.
HOLLIS Dale doesn't leave a door. He'd have to stop telling people about it.
PHIL And Pim's at the door with Vell.
(A pause.)
HOLLIS Is she?
PHIL Run faster.
Sound: ls2 bog run.
Music: sting transition dark.
Scene: ls mirelight bed.
Sound: ls mire mother.
DALE Pim, run! No. Walk fast. No, run! Whichever looks less guilty!
PIM (scared) Conductor, it's coming after us.
DALE It wants to see a ticket. Everybody on this world wants to see a ticket, and nobody on this world has got one.
DALE Ma'am! Ma'am, I'm crew! I'm going to have to ask you to return to your bog!
Sound: ls mire mother.
PIM It didn't listen.
DALE Nobody listens to the conductor, Pim. My shoes are full of swamp, and my socks have gone over to the swamp's side.
Sound: ls chime.
THE ANNOUNCER Ten minutes to door-close. Passengers outside the train, please return now. We apologize for the walk.
DALE Ten minutes. Pim, which way's the train?
PIM Vell says if you can't see it, you've gone too far.
DALE Can you see it?
PIM No.
DALE Then we're going back the near way.
Sound: ls mire mother.
PHIL (shouting) Dale!
DALE Phil! Phil, I'm being chased by a building!
Sound: pencil scratch.
PHIL Mire Mother. Old. Slow. Can't see. It follows vibration in the ground. Dale, stop stamping!
DALE I'm not stamping, I'm running!
PHIL Running is stamping! It's following your feet!
DALE Then how am I supposed to leave?
PHIL Lightly!
DALE I've never done one thing lightly in my life, Phil, and I'm not going to learn on a swamp!
PIM I'm doing it lightly.
DALE That's because you're a Porter. You people are trained. Fine. I'm tiptoeing. Phil, look. I'm tiptoeing.
Sound: ls mire mother.
PHIL You tiptoe louder than you walk!
DALE Hollis! Hollis, over here! It's me! I'm forty Essence!
HOLLIS I know what you are. Phil, how slow is slow?
PHIL Slower than us, if everybody stops arguing.
HOLLIS Kid. Arms up.
PIM I've got the Essence!
HOLLIS Then I've got you and the Essence.
Sound: ls level up.
HOLLIS Thirteen.
DALE Congratulations, Hollis. What about me?
HOLLIS Belt.
DALE What?
HOLLIS Grab my belt.
Sound: ls2 bog run.
Sound: ls chime.
THE ANNOUNCER Five minutes to door-close. We apologize for the hurry.
DALE Hollis, I'm being dragged.
HOLLIS You're being rescued.
DALE From down here it feels a lot like dragging.
HOLLIS From up here it's rescuing. Stop kicking.
DALE I'm kicking on behalf of my feet. They want to be involved.
PHIL Dale, it can feel you kicking!
Sound: ls mire mother.
Scene: ls mirelight bed.
Sound: ls fare box.
AUNTIE VELL Sacks in the box. Brenna, in. Teodor, in. Odo. Where are they?
A MAN I never found her, Vell. I found him, and then I lost him. He's usually hard to lose.
A WOMAN Vell, that's under five minutes.
AUNTIE VELL I can count, love. Keep the step clear.
Sound: ls mire mother.
A WOMAN Vell. Out there.
AUNTIE VELL (shouting) Come on! Come on, love! Phil, you're last, don't you dare be later than last!
Sound: ls doors warn.
AUNTIE VELL In! All of you, in!
DALE My cap!
PIM Got it!
Scene: ls caboose bed.
Sound: ls2 train depart.
(A pause.)
DALE (out of breath) Pim. Is it dented?
PIM It's fine, Conductor.
DALE Put it on. Not on you. On me.
PIM It's too big for you anyway.
DALE It's too big for everybody, Pim. That's how you know it's important.
AUNTIE VELL Count off. Is everybody in?
A MAN Odo's in.
PHIL I'm in.
HOLLIS I'm in, and I'm not staying. I've got a bunk up the train I'm paying for.
AUNTIE VELL Then that's everyone.
(A pause.)
AUNTIE VELL Pim.
PIM I know.
AUNTIE VELL We'll talk.
PIM I saw the sky, Vell.
(A pause.)
AUNTIE VELL We'll talk tomorrow.
Sound: ls2 carriage bump.
Sound: crowd gasp.
(A pause.)
AN OLD MAN Is it following us?
AUNTIE VELL Nothing keeps up with the train once it's moving, love. Nothing ever has.
DALE She can buy a ticket like everybody else.
Scene: ls caboose bed.
Sound: ls fare box.
PIM All of it?
AUNTIE VELL All of it, love. It goes on your ticket, and it goes on the day.
PIM I carried every bit of that.
AUNTIE VELL I know you did.
Sound: ls fare box.
PIM My ticket said three before.
AUNTIE VELL Not anymore, it doesn't.
Sound: ls chime.
THE ANNOUNCER Doors are closed. Next stop: Saltmere. Today's quota has been met, by a narrow margin. Thank you for your contributions.
(A pause.)
THE ANNOUNCER At current rates, tomorrow's quota will not be met. The rearmost carriage will be released at the next stop. We apologize for the inconvenience.
DALE Apology accepted.
(A pause.)
A WOMAN Vell.
AUNTIE VELL You all heard it. That's us. Tomorrow, at Saltmere.
AN OLD MAN It said at current rates. Rates can change.
AUNTIE VELL They can. So we change them. We go out at Saltmere and we bring back everything we can carry, and then we carry a bit more. Bunks, everyone.
A BOY It's not even late.
AUNTIE VELL It's late now.
Sound: ls level up.
THE ANNOUNCER Conductor, Level Two. Crew duties recorded: one passenger returned safely. Twelve tickets inspected. We apologize for any confusion.
DALE Phil. Phil! Level Two!
PHIL Congratulations, Dale.
DALE One passenger returned safely. That's Pim. I returned Pim.
PHIL Hollis carried Pim.
DALE And where did Hollis carry her, Phil? To the train. And who's crew on the train?
PHIL Dale.
DALE Thank you. And twelve tickets. I'd have said twenty, but it's their count, and I'm not going to argue with my own employer on the day they promote me.
PHIL Dale, did you hear the other notice?
DALE I accepted the apology, Phil. Then this came. You see what that means?
PHIL No.
DALE You don't promote a man the same day you let his office go. That'd be a waste of a level. Somebody up front just saw what I can do.
(A pause.)
PHIL I understand.
AN OLD MAN Conductor. What happened out there? With the big one?
DALE She came up out of the bog right at me and Pim. Big as a church. And I looked her right in the eye, and I said, ma'am, this is a stop, not a buffet. And she went back down.
PHIL That's not how I remember it.
DALE Phil was behind me. He didn't have the angle.
PIM (sleepy) You were screaming.
DALE I was announcing, Pim. It's a conductor thing. It carries.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: ls crew closet bed.
Sound: ls2 chair spin.
Sound: pencil scratch.
DALE Dear Nana. Today I went out on business. A swamp. The mushrooms are as big as the Sudsy Duck, and none of them sell anything.
DALE I took one down myself. One hole. Phil says they're under pressure. He doesn't say it about me, but I can tell.
DALE You remember Pim. She'd never seen a sky, so I showed her one. It wasn't ours. She said she liked it, and she meant it, Nana. You'd like her.
DALE I'm Level Two now. They don't do that for just anyone.
DALE P.S. Hollis carried me part of the way back. If he tells you he saved me, it was more of a lift.
Sound: ls mail slot.
(A pause.)
PIM (sleepy) Conductor. Did you put in about the sky?
DALE First thing.
PIM I was listening. It was third.
DALE I put it in the middle, Pim. The middle's the safest place there is. Ask anybody on a train.
Scene: ls first class bed.
WARDEN GANT The projection's short, Head Warden.
HEAD WARDEN MORROW I heard it, Warden Gant. Everyone on the train heard it. That's what a projection is for.
WARDEN GANT We could draw on the Reserve, sir. One day's shortfall. It wouldn't touch the bottom of the vault.
HEAD WARDEN MORROW Close the door, Gant.
Sound: teacup rattle.
HEAD WARDEN MORROW How many carriages are we pulling?
WARDEN GANT Near enough four hundred, sir.
HEAD WARDEN MORROW And every one of them costs the train a little Essence for every day it's pulled. Let one go, and tomorrow costs a little less. Let it go at the back, and nobody up here even feels the bump. Every carriage we shed lowers tomorrow's quota. That isn't cruelty, Warden. It's arithmetic.
WARDEN GANT There are people in it, sir. I kept counting, like you said. It's eighty-three now. A man moved back there today, of his own accord. Level Ten.
HEAD WARDEN MORROW Nobody moves back.
WARDEN GANT This one did, sir.
HEAD WARDEN MORROW Then he's chosen his car.
(A pause.)
HEAD WARDEN MORROW The Reserve is for when it matters.
WARDEN GANT When does it matter, sir?
HEAD WARDEN MORROW When it's us.
(A pause.)
HEAD WARDEN MORROW And the man who came aboard through the crew door?
WARDEN GANT He rides in the Caboose, sir. I assigned him there myself. Permanently.
HEAD WARDEN MORROW Then it's tidy. Two problems, Warden. One coupling. We needn't do anything at all. The arithmetic does it for us. That's the beauty of arithmetic.
WARDEN GANT Sir.
HEAD WARDEN MORROW You met him. Tell me.
WARDEN GANT At the Velvet Gate, sir. A navy cap a size too big for him. A steel punch. A pocketful of postcards. He wouldn't show a ticket. He said crew don't need them. Then he tried to fine me.
HEAD WARDEN MORROW For what?
WARDEN GANT Obstructing crew.
(A pause.)
HEAD WARDEN MORROW He used that word.
WARDEN GANT He uses it a great deal, sir. He keeps a book of fines, they tell me. He's fined a child, and half the Caboose, and something at Mirelight that wasn't a passenger at all.
HEAD WARDEN MORROW Has anyone paid?
WARDEN GANT One, sir. The one that wasn't a passenger.
WARDEN GANT He also asked to see the driver. He's not much of anything, if you ask me. A fare evader in a hat.
HEAD WARDEN MORROW I asked you to find out what he is.
WARDEN GANT That's what I found, sir.
HEAD WARDEN MORROW That's what he isn't.
Sound: teacup rattle.
HEAD WARDEN MORROW The little door at the back of the Caboose. The one inside. Is it still locked?
WARDEN GANT I couldn't say, sir. It's been locked as long as I've worn the coat.
HEAD WARDEN MORROW Find out. You're an honest man, Gant. That's why I keep you on the Gate. Honest men find things out.
WARDEN GANT May I ask why, sir?
HEAD WARDEN MORROW Curiosity.
WARDEN GANT There's talk in the Middle that there's something in there. Old crew things.
HEAD WARDEN MORROW There used to be a book that went with that cap. Crew kept one. A rulebook. Very dull reading.
WARDEN GANT What's in it, sir?
HEAD WARDEN MORROW Rules, Warden.
(A pause.)
HEAD WARDEN MORROW Everyone on this train is going to the same place in the end. Some carriages simply get off sooner. Goodnight, Gant.
Sound: compartment door.
(A pause.)
WARDEN GANT End of Route.
Scene: ls carriage bed.
Sound: ls3 berth curtain.
HOLLIS Shoes off. The lady who rents me this berth charges by the footprint.
DALE Hollis, I didn't walk two hundred carriages to stand around in my socks. I came as a client.
HOLLIS Then be a client in your socks.
DALE Phil, hold my shoes. And don't put them down anywhere. She'll charge us for the shoes.
Sound: ls essence.
Sound: sneeze.
PHIL Sorry. It's the glitter. It's on everything in here.
HOLLIS It's a nice problem to have. What do you want, Dale.
DALE I'm here as management. The Caboose had a soft quarter. We're behind on our numbers, through no fault of anybody's, and I'm looking for an investor who believes in the product.
HOLLIS The product's a wooden car with a stove in it.
DALE And a back window. Best view on the train. You can see everywhere you've been.
HOLLIS How short is it?
PHIL The notice said tomorrow's quota won't be met. It didn't say by how much.
HOLLIS Then I'll tell you how much. More than I've got. The quota's the whole train's, Dale. Thirty thousand people came up short. The Caboose is just where it lands.
DALE So it's not our fault.
HOLLIS It's never the fault of the car that goes.
(A pause.)
DALE Then lend me what you've got, and we'll be short by less. That's a start. In my line of work, a start is half the invoice.
HOLLIS You owe me sixty Essence.
DALE Forty. You said forty, in the market. Phil was there.
HOLLIS That was before your car was on the list. The risk goes up, the rate goes up. That's lending.
DALE That's not lending. That's weather.
HOLLIS Phil. Write this down.
Sound: pencil scratch.
HOLLIS Twenty Essence, today. Forty back at Saltmere, at door-close. If he misses it, I take the cap, the punch and the fines book.
PHIL Twenty today. Forty back at Saltmere, at door-close. If he misses it, you take the cap, the punch and the fines book.
HOLLIS And every time he says he'll pay me back, it goes up five.
PHIL Hollis.
HOLLIS Read it again.
PHIL Twenty today. Forty at Saltmere. The cap, the punch, the fines book. And five more every time he promises.
DALE That's fine. I'll pay you back, Hollis.
HOLLIS Forty-five.
DALE I haven't even borrowed it yet.
HOLLIS You will.
DALE Put Phil down as collateral. Phil's good for it. He's got a teacher's pension, and he hardly ever uses it.
PHIL I understand.
HOLLIS Phil's no good to me. He's never owed me a nickel.
DALE Nobody's ever asked him. That's untapped.
HOLLIS Here's my real offer. There's a bench two cars up. Ten Essence a night, on your tab. You sleep up here until Saltmere's behind us.
DALE And leave my office? A guy like me doesn't walk out on his branch the week it's in trouble. That's the week they give you the plaque.
HOLLIS There's no plaque.
DALE There's always a plaque. Sometimes it's just late.
HOLLIS Dale. A man in a released carriage doesn't pay.
(A pause.)
DALE Then I won't be in one. Keep your twenty, Hollis. And your forty-five. Phil, my shoes. We're leaving.
Sound: ls3 berth curtain.
(A pause.)
HOLLIS Eighty-three in that car?
PHIL Eighty-three. Counting us.
HOLLIS You don't have to be counted, Phil. You've got the level for a berth up here. I'd front it.
PHIL You were a rescue swimmer, Hollis.
HOLLIS I sell jet skis.
PHIL You were a rescue swimmer first.
(A pause.)
HOLLIS Phil. What's in your hand?
PHIL His shoes. What the swamp left of them.
(A pause.)
HOLLIS Then where are mine?
Music: sting transition.
Scene: ls carriage bed.
A WOMAN Warden! Warden Gant! A word, please.
WARDEN GANT Fare checks are on the hour, passenger. Wait your turn.
A WOMAN It's not about my fare. There's a man in a cap three cars back, punching people's tickets.
WARDEN GANT Ticket checks are Warden business.
A MAN Tell him that. He fined me.
WARDEN GANT For what?
A MAN My ticket says Rope Maker. He said that's a lot of rope for one man, and he'd have to write it up.
A WOMAN He fined my mother for her destination.
WARDEN GANT Her destination is End of Route, passenger. Everybody's is.
A WOMAN He said End of Route's a premium destination and she hadn't declared it.
AN OLD MAN He fined me twice. Once on his way past, and once on his way back, to make sure.
WARDEN GANT Did any of you pay him?
A MAN He didn't ask us to. He just wrote it in a little book and told us to enjoy the rest of our trip.
WARDEN GANT (sighing) That's not a fine. That's a diary.
A WOMAN So what do we do?
WARDEN GANT Which way was he heading?
AN OLD MAN Forward.
WARDEN GANT Of course he was.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: ls carriage bed.
Sound: ls punch.
DALE Lamp Trimmer. Level Seven. End of Route. Lovely spot. That's a fine for the lamp, sir. It's crooked.
A MAN It's not my lamp.
DALE Then it's a fine for standing near it. Next.
PHIL Dale, the man asked you for directions.
DALE And he got a ticket inspection, Phil. That's more than directions. That's a service.
Sound: ls punch.
DALE Weaver, Level Five. End of Route. Remaining fare, six. Ma'am, you're running low. In my experience, that's a sign you should be weaving faster.
A WOMAN Who are you?
DALE Management. Next.
Sound: ls punch.
PHIL That's sixty-one.
DALE Sixty-one tickets in one morning. I've had whole years with fewer clients than that.
PHIL You've had whole years with no clients.
DALE And I learned from every one of them.
Sound: ls punch.
A BOY Are you a real conductor?
DALE I'm the only one there is. You've got some nerve, asking without your ticket out. That's a fine.
A BOY I'm six.
DALE Then it's a small fine. I'll put it in pencil.
Sound: pencil scratch.
PHIL Dale, why are you doing the whole Middle? The Caboose is the car that's in trouble.
DALE Every ticket's a little bit of crew work, Phil. Crew work is how I went up a level at Mirelight. And the higher I go, the harder I am to release. That's just seniority.
PHIL I don't think that's how it works.
DALE Nobody does, Phil. That's why they need a guy like me.
Sound: ls punch.
DALE Sir, this is your ticket inspection.
AN OLD MAN I've been on this train fifty years. Nobody has ever inspected my ticket.
DALE Then you're overdue. That's a late fee.
Sound: ls punch.
Sound: ls level up.
Sound: ls notice.
THE ANNOUNCER Conductor, Level Three. New skill: Announcement. Once a day, address the whole train. We apologize in advance.
(A pause.)
PHIL Dale?
DALE Level Three, Phil. And a new skill. Once a day, I can talk to the whole train.
PHIL The whole train?
DALE Thirty thousand people. And they can't leave, Phil. They're on a train.
(A pause.)
DALE It has to be perfect.
PHIL It can be short.
DALE Short is for people who get to talk every day. Oh. I get to talk every day. Well, it has to be perfect anyway. Phil, write this down.
Sound: pencil scratch.
DALE Good morning, train. You don't know me. Some of you do, because I fined you.
PHIL That's most of this carriage.
DALE Then they'll know the voice. In consulting, that's called a warm lead.
PHIL That's one line, Dale.
DALE One great line, Phil. Most people go their whole lives without one. I've got all day to find a second.
A MAN Is he going to fine us again?
DALE Not today, sir. Today I'm writing.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: ls caboose bed.
Sound: ls1 soup ladle.
PIM Auntie Vell, everybody keeps saying released. And then they stop talking when I come over.
AUNTIE VELL Eat your Tuesday, love.
PIM That's what you say when you won't tell me something.
AUNTIE VELL It's also what I say at lunch.
PIM I'm ten. I've got a class. I carried a whole swamp's worth of Essence. I'm old enough for one word.
(A pause.)
AUNTIE VELL All right. When a car's released, the coupling opens. The train goes on, and the car stays where it is, on whatever world we've stopped at. With everybody in it.
PIM On Saltmere.
AUNTIE VELL On Saltmere.
PIM And then the train comes back for it.
AUNTIE VELL No, love. The train doesn't come back.
(A pause.)
PIM Has it ever been us before?
AUNTIE VELL Never. It was always the cars behind us. There aren't any behind us now.
(A pause.)
PIM But I'd get to stand on a world.
AUNTIE VELL You would.
PIM For how long?
AUNTIE VELL Eat your soup, love.
(A pause.)
PIM It's good.
AUNTIE VELL It's always good.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: ls caboose bed.
PIM Conductor. What's it like? Earth?
DALE Pim, I'm working on line three. Good morning, train. You don't know me. And then I need a line three.
PIM You can do line three after. What's it like?
DALE Well. I can only speak for Wendleton, which is the good part. Biggest lake in the world. You can't see the other side, unless it's a clear day. Then you can.
PIM Does it have a sky?
DALE All day long. Blue, mostly. Gray on Mondays.
PIM What's a Monday?
DALE It's the day before Tuesday.
PIM Tuesday's soup.
DALE Not on Earth. On Earth, Tuesday's a whole day. You get a new one every week.
PIM Every week? Who gives them out?
DALE Nobody. They just come. You wake up, it's Tuesday, and nobody even says thank you.
PIM I'd say thank you.
DALE You'd be the first one. What else. We've got a stoplight on Main Street. One. It stays red a long time, and everybody waits, and that's when you catch up with people.
PIM Do they catch up with you?
DALE Everybody knows me. Some of them cross the street when they see me coming, so they can wave from farther away.
PIM And the duck?
DALE The Sudsy Duck. The duck in the window lights up at night, so you can find your way home from anywhere in town. I've tested that. From anywhere.
(A pause.)
DALE Speaking of which. Pass me a postcard. Nana likes to hear from the office.
Sound: pencil scratch.
DALE Dear Nana. Big day. I'm Level Three. The train's letting me use its voice once a day, which they don't give to just anybody. The Caboose is having a tough week, but I've got a plan, and I'll tell you what it is when I know. Phil's reading a book. Pim's here with me. She's never had a Tuesday, so I told her about ours. She wants to say something.
PIM Hello, Nana. This is Pim. Please leave the duck on.
(A pause.)
DALE P.S. Phil moved into my car without asking me first. I'm not going to make a thing of it. I've just written it down.
Scene: ls crew closet bed.
Sound: ui page turn.
DALE Phil, you've been in that book since breakfast. Skip to the end and see who did it.
PHIL It's a rulebook, Dale.
DALE Then skip to the rule.
PHIL There are hundreds of them.
PIM Is there one about Tuesdays?
PHIL Not yet.
Sound: ls mail slot.
PIM Do you think she'll like my line?
DALE She'll like them both the same. She's very fair that way.
PIM Mine was shorter.
DALE She might like yours a little more.
Sound: ui page turn.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: ls crew closet bed.
DALE Good morning, train. You don't know me. Some of you do, because I fined you. Think of me as your Caboose. I'm always right behind you.
PHIL Dale. Please don't say that one.
DALE Card six is worse. Card six I wrote after lunch.
Sound: ui page turn.
DALE Phil, it's late. You've been reading since breakfast. In consulting, if a document's that long, you read the first page and the last page and then you nod.
PHIL I've read the first page. It says read every page.
Sound: ls log click.
(A pause.)
THE LOG Log of Conductor Fask. They've voted us out of service. I'm to be put off at the next stop. If you're crew, and you're reading the Rulebook, and I hope you are: one twelve. One thirteen. They forgot those. Don't you forget them.
(A pause.)
DALE That's the second tape. He's building to something. These always end with a handshake, or a mug.
PHIL Put off at the next stop.
DALE That's how they talk in management, Phil. Put off. It means he got a nicer office.
Sound: ui page turn.
Sound: ui page turn.
PHIL Here. One twelve. No carriage shall be released from the train while a member of crew is aboard it and it is in service.
(A pause.)
PHIL One thirteen. A carriage is in service when its conductor has inspected every ticket aboard it during the current stop.
(A pause.)
DALE Its conductor.
PHIL Yes.
DALE Phil, it's in the book. Its conductor. This car has a conductor, and it's me. I've been telling the Wardens for two days, and here it is in writing. I'm the boss of the Caboose.
PHIL Dale, listen to the rest of it.
DALE I heard the rest of it. I'm going to have it framed. Over the desk, where the Wardens can see it when they come in to apologize.
PHIL It means if you do one thing, they can't release us.
DALE I'm always doing one thing.
PHIL At Saltmere, while the stop's on, you inspect every ticket in this car. Not after the doors close. During the hour.
DALE Fine.
PHIL Every ticket aboard. So everybody has to be aboard, with a ticket out, before door-close. Anybody still out on the salt is left on the salt. Everybody who stayed in, the kids, the harvest team coming back in late, you, me. Eighty-three.
DALE Eighty-three tickets in one hour.
PHIL And you have to be aboard too. Crew aboard. You can't get off and chase anybody.
DALE I'm not much of a chaser.
PHIL I know.
(A pause.)
DALE I'm going to need a bigger punch.
PHIL It's not the punch, Dale.
DALE Phil, I did sixty-one in a morning, and that was for fun. These ones count. I'll do them faster out of respect.
Sound: sneeze.
PHIL Excuse me. The dust.
DALE That's forty years of nobody dusting. Here. I'll fan it with the cap.
PHIL Dale. What's that folded in your hatband?
DALE That's what makes the cap fit. It's structural, Phil. Take it out and the whole uniform comes down.
PHIL But what is it?
DALE Paperwork. It turned up in my pocket the first night. It was just sitting there doing nothing, so I put it to work.
PHIL Dale. Every ticket aboard.
DALE Every ticket aboard. I heard you the first time. I'm the conductor, Phil. I'm the one who reads them.
(A pause.)
PHIL Never mind.
Sound: hat on.
DALE That's the spirit. I think better in uniform. Now. Card six.
PHIL Please don't.
DALE Good morning, train.
Sound: ls log click.
(A pause.)
DALE He's not going to say anything else, is he.
PHIL I don't think so.
DALE That's how you know he meant it.
Music: sting transition dark.
Scene: ls market bed.
Sound: ls abacus.
FOB Glitter, nine sacks, sold. Lamp oil, four jars, sold. Mushroom caps from Mirelight, two crates, sold to a man who wanted to know if they'd sing. I said yes. Partner, you're in your socks.
HOLLIS I know, Fob.
FOB Hollis Brandt, with a berth in the Middle, in his socks. People talk. I talk. I'm people.
HOLLIS Somebody's wearing my shoes.
FOB I've got shoes. Brown, nearly new, six Essence. The last owner moved backward.
HOLLIS I've got shoes. I just don't have them on. What's the word from the front?
Sound: ls abacus.
FOB The word from the front is no. The Wardens won't cover the shortfall. Not a sack, not a spoonful. The back car goes at Saltmere. I heard it at breakfast from a man who heard it at supper.
HOLLIS That's tomorrow's news.
FOB That's why it's worth something today. You want to sell your paper on the man in the hat? I'll take it off your hands. Debts on a car that won't be with us much longer trade at ten.
HOLLIS He owes me eighty.
FOB Eighty! Yesterday it was sixty. Everybody knows it was sixty.
HOLLIS Yesterday he hadn't fined the whole Middle. That's a man with enemies now. Enemies cost.
FOB I'll give you twelve. And I'm only saying twelve because I like your face.
HOLLIS No.
FOB Fifteen, because I like your face less every minute. Partner, he's sold me nothing, he's bought nothing, and he fined my cousin for counting out loud. My cousin's a Broker. Counting out loud is the whole job.
HOLLIS That sounds like him.
FOB Everything sounds like him. He's been reading his announcement to the whole carriage. Line by line. A woman in Lamps knows it by heart and she's never met him.
HOLLIS How does it go?
FOB Good morning, train. And then it gets worse.
Sound: ls abacus.
FOB I've had three offers on the Caboose already. The stove. The good hammock. And a man two cars up wants the back window.
HOLLIS The window comes with the car.
FOB I told him that. He said he'd take it out.
HOLLIS With eighty-three people looking through it.
FOB He said he'd take it out carefully.
Sound: ls abacus.
FOB So why do you care?
HOLLIS I don't.
FOB You don't care in a very specific direction. You've looked at the back door twice since I started talking.
HOLLIS An asset's an asset.
FOB He's a man in a hat.
(A pause.)
HOLLIS Hold my stall.
FOB It's my stall.
HOLLIS Then you won't mind holding it.
(A pause.)
FOB Partner? Where are you going? That's the back of the train. That's two hundred cars, partner. In your socks.
Sound: ls abacus.
FOB Glitter, nine sacks. Mushroom caps, two crates. One partner, gone backward.
Sound: ls abacus.
FOB I'm putting the shoes in the window.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: ls caboose bed.
Sound: train brakes.
Sound: ls chime.
THE ANNOUNCER Now arriving: Saltmere. This stop is one hour.
THE ANNOUNCER The quota is projected short. The rearmost carriage will be released at door-close. We apologize for the inconvenience.
Sound: ls doors open.
Scene: ls saltmere bed.
AUNTIE VELL Harvest team, at the door. Coats on, the wind out there takes the skin off your ears. Phil, you're with me.
PIM I know. I'm staying in.
AUNTIE VELL Not today, love. Today you carry.
PIM Really?
AUNTIE VELL You're a Porter. Porters port. Everybody back with twenty minutes to spare. And you come in through this door with your ticket out, every one of you.
A MAN What for?
AUNTIE VELL For him.
DALE Everybody, hold on. Before anybody goes, I've got an announcement.
AUNTIE VELL Then make it on the speaker, love. That's what it's for. Out we go.
Sound: ls3 salt run.
(A pause.)
DALE They didn't even wait for card one.
PHIL How many cards is it now?
DALE I've got it down to nine postcards. Front and back.
PHIL Dale, the stop's an hour.
DALE Card one. Good morning, train.
PHIL What does it need to say?
DALE Everything, Phil. It's my first one. People remember your first one.
PHIL It needs to say come home, and bring your ticket. That's all.
DALE That's card nine.
PHIL Then read card nine.
DALE Card nine is the ending. You can't open with the ending. That's how you lose a room.
PHIL Eighty-three tickets, Dale.
(A pause.)
DALE Fine. Card nine. And card four.
PHIL What's card four?
DALE Card four's personal.
PHIL Is it about Hollis?
DALE It's about honesty, Phil. Hollis is just in it.
Sound: ls chime.
DALE Attention, train. This is your conductor, at the very back. Caboose, tickets, please. Everybody who lives in the Caboose, come home before door-close with your ticket out, and see me at the back door. Nobody's in trouble. Some of you are, but not for this.
DALE And one more thing, to the whole train. If a man named Hollis Brandt ever tells you what something's worth, ask him what it was worth yesterday. Thank you. Mind the gap.
(A pause.)
AN OLD MAN That was him. On the speaker.
A WOMAN He said Caboose. Out loud, to the whole train.
AN OLD MAN Forty years I've ridden back here. I never once heard that speaker say our name.
PHIL There's no gap, Dale. We're stopped.
DALE There's always a gap, Phil. That's why you have to keep minding it.
PHIL You kept card four.
DALE Card four was the best card. People are going to quote it.
PHIL I understand.
DALE Go on. Go get your Essence. And Phil, come back through me.
PHIL Where else would I go?
Sound: footsteps sand.
(A pause.)
A WOMAN Conductor, who's Hollis Brandt?
DALE I've said all I'm going to say about Hollis Brandt on the record, ma'am. Right. Everybody who stayed in, form a line. Tickets out. Have them showing. Conductor's coming through.
Sound: ls punch.
DALE Basket Maker. Level Four. That's a good basket.
A WOMAN It's my hat.
DALE Then it's a good hat, with a lot of room in it. That's one.
Sound: ls punch.
AN OLD MAN Took you long enough. I've had it out since Mirelight.
DALE Mister Abernethy. And it's held up beautifully. Two.
Sound: ls punch.
A BOY Mine's got a corner bent.
DALE That's character. Three.
A WOMAN Hers is tucked in the blanket. Mind her, she's sleeping.
Sound: ls punch.
DALE (whispering) Unassigned. Remaining fare, nothing. That's how I started out too. Four.
Sound: ls punch.
DALE Five. Somebody count for me. I'm management. I can't be doing my own counting.
(A pause.)
A BOY I can count to eighty.
DALE Then I'll do the last three myself.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: ls saltmere bed.
Sound: ls glass crab.
A MAN Crabs! Crabs coming over the ridge!
AUNTIE VELL Everybody stand still. Phil, love. What are they?
Sound: pencil scratch.
PHIL Glass crab. Brittle across the back. Tap, don't hit. Hit it and it just skids off.
AUNTIE VELL You heard him. Tap, don't hit.
Sound: ls3 crab shatter.
Sound: ls essence.
A WOMAN Oh. It just went to sparkles.
PHIL Gently. Like knocking on a door when you hope nobody's home.
Sound: ls3 crab shatter.
Sound: ls3 crab shatter.
Sound: ls essence.
PIM Give it to me. I'm carrying. Give me all of it.
A MAN Pim, you've got two sacks already. And your pockets. And your hat.
PIM I'm a Porter. Carrying too much is my whole class.
Sound: ls essence.
Sound: ls level up.
Sound: ls notice.
THE ANNOUNCER Porter, Level Three.
PIM (excited) Auntie Vell! Level Three! I went up a level for carrying!
AUNTIE VELL Course you did, love. Don't drop any.
Sound: sneeze.
PHIL Excuse me. It's the salt.
AUNTIE VELL Everything out here is salt. Your eyebrows are salt.
PIM Mister Brumley, why is the whole world salt?
PHIL It used to be sea. Then the water went somewhere, and the salt stayed behind.
PIM Where did the water go?
PHIL Down there, I think. Into the city.
PIM Is that a city? The towers?
PHIL With bells in them. You can just hear them, if the wind drops.
PIM Does anybody live in it?
AUNTIE VELL Not anymore, love.
PIM Can I go and see it? After?
AUNTIE VELL There's no after on a stop, love. There's an hour. Carry.
PHIL Vell, how's the take?
AUNTIE VELL Better than Mirelight. Not enough. It goes in the box, and the box is still short. It always is, back here.
PHIL Then why are we out here?
AUNTIE VELL Because it goes on your ticket, too. Fare keeps you seated, love. Wherever you end up sitting.
Sound: ls3 crab shatter.
Sound: ls essence.
A WOMAN Did you hear him on the speaker? Caboose, tickets, please. Like we were a real car.
A MAN I heard him tell the whole train about some man called Hollis.
A WOMAN Who's Hollis?
A MAN No idea. But I'd never trust him now. Not with anything.
AUNTIE VELL Phil. Can he do it? Eighty-three, inside the hour?
PHIL He did sixty-one up the Middle, for fun.
AUNTIE VELL And today it isn't fun.
PHIL He says he'll go faster out of respect.
AUNTIE VELL Well. That's either the best thing I've heard on this train, or the worst.
PHIL It's usually both, with Dale.
(A pause.)
PIM Auntie Vell? What are you looking at?
AUNTIE VELL That siding, out past the towers. Those old cars rusting on it. Ours, from before.
(A pause.)
PIM Ours?
AUNTIE VELL Keep carrying, love.
Sound: lk bell buoy.
(A pause.)
PIM What was that?
AUNTIE VELL A bell. Under the water. Nothing good ever rang under water. Everybody, listen to me. Back to the train. Now. Leave anything you can't run with.
PIM I can run with all of it.
AUNTIE VELL Then run with all of it!
Sound: ls bell tide.
Sound: ls3 salt run.
PHIL Vell! Where are the Tobins?
A WOMAN Out at the edge, by the towers. They went for the big crabs.
PHIL Take Pim. I'll get them.
PIM I can carry them! I'm Level Three!
PHIL Not this time, Pim. Go with Vell.
AUNTIE VELL Phil, the tide doesn't wait for anybody!
PHIL Then tell Dale to wait for me. Tell him he hasn't done my ticket.
Sound: footsteps sand.
HOLLIS Phil.
PHIL Hollis? What are you doing out here?
HOLLIS Where are they?
PHIL At the edge, by the towers. Two of them. They're not fast.
HOLLIS Get back to the train.
PHIL Hollis, the water's already
HOLLIS Phil. I was a rescue swimmer first. Run.
Sound: ls bell tide.
Music: sting transition dark.
Scene: ls caboose bed.
Sound: ls3 wet boarding.
Sound: ls punch.
DALE Brenna. Forager. Wet. Next.
A BOY Thirty-one.
Sound: ls punch.
DALE Teodor. Sweeper. Wetter. Plenty out there to sweep today, Teodor. Next.
A BOY Thirty-two.
Sound: ls punch.
A WOMAN I held it in my teeth the whole way back.
DALE And it shows. Thirty-three.
A BOY That's my job. You said I do the numbers.
DALE Sorry. Go ahead.
A BOY Thirty-three.
Sound: ls punch.
AUNTIE VELL Punch it, love. Don't read it. We're all dripping.
DALE Vell of Tamsk, Cook, you're in. Where's Pim?
AUNTIE VELL Coming. She's carrying half the salt flat. Where's Phil?
DALE Phil's coming. Phil always comes. Next.
A BOY Thirty-four.
Sound: ls3 punch rattle.
DALE Odo, on time, I'm almost disappointed. Knitter, wet. Baker, wet, with bread. Is that bread wet?
A MAN It's salt bread.
DALE Then it's fine. Next.
A BOY Thirty-seven.
Sound: ls punch.
A MAN There's a crab on my boot.
DALE Is it a passenger?
A MAN No!
DALE Then it can't come in. Shake it. Next.
Sound: ls3 crab shatter.
A BOY Thirty-eight.
A WOMAN (panicked) I can't find it. I had it. I had it at the bells.
DALE Ma'am. Other hand.
(A pause.)
A WOMAN Oh.
Sound: ls punch.
A BOY Thirty-nine.
Sound: ls punch.
A WOMAN Is this going to hurt?
DALE Only the ticket.
A BOY Forty.
Sound: ls3 punch rattle.
A BOY Forty-one, forty-two, forty-three, forty-four, forty-five.
AN OLD MAN Do I get a receipt?
Sound: ls punch.
DALE You get a hole. Next.
A BOY Forty-six.
Sound: ls3 wet boarding.
PHIL (out of breath) Dale. Ticket.
Sound: ls punch.
DALE Phil Brumley. Field Biologist. Level Fourteen. Fourteen? When did that happen?
PHIL The crabs, mostly. Where are we?
A BOY Forty-seven. I was going to do it all the way to eighty.
PHIL Then stand next to me and check my math.
Sound: ls3 punch rattle.
PHIL Forty-eight. Forty-nine. Fifty. Fifty-one. Fifty-two. Fifty-three.
Sound: ls punch.
DALE Beekeeper, Level Ten. No bees. Next.
PHIL Fifty-four.
Sound: ls punch.
DALE Shepherd, Level Nine. Where are your sheep?
A MAN Different world.
DALE Then you're just a man with a stick. Next.
PHIL Fifty-five.
Sound: ls chime.
THE ANNOUNCER Ten minutes to door-close. Please return to the train. We apologize for the salt.
Sound: compartment door.
WARDEN GANT Passenger Tummins.
DALE Warden Gant. You're in my carriage.
WARDEN GANT I have orders to see that this carriage is released at door-close. I'll be standing here until it is.
DALE Then you're aboard. Ticket, please.
WARDEN GANT I'm a Warden.
DALE And I'm crew, Warden, and you're standing in my Caboose during a stop. Every ticket aboard. It's in the Rulebook. You can ask your boss.
(A pause.)
WARDEN GANT Fine. By the book.
Sound: ls punch.
DALE Warden Ardo Gant. Warden. Level Thirty-four. Destination: End of Route. Remaining fare: nine hundred and six.
DALE Nine hundred and six! Warden, you could buy this car.
WARDEN GANT Read the destination again.
DALE End of Route. Same as everybody. It's supposed to be lovely. Nobody's ever complained.
WARDEN GANT Nobody's ever read it out to me. In all the years.
DALE Well, that's what I'm here for.
WARDEN GANT Where is it?
DALE At the end. Of the route.
(A pause.)
WARDEN GANT End of Route.
DALE And that's a fine, Warden. Aboard my carriage, uninspected, during a stop.
Sound: pencil scratch.
WARDEN GANT That's a legitimate fine.
DALE They're all legitimate.
WARDEN GANT No, passenger. They aren't. That one is.
Sound: compartment door.
WARDEN GANT I am now in the car ahead. I'll be reporting that I wasn't aboard the rearmost carriage at door-close. Which I won't be.
PHIL Thank you, Warden.
WARDEN GANT For what, passenger?
PHIL For having your ticket out.
Sound: ls3 punch rattle.
Sound: ls3 punch rattle.
PHIL Sixty-four.
DALE Phil, my hand's cramping. Write that down. It's a workplace injury.
PHIL Sixty-five.
DALE Two fingers have gone numb, and I've got a blister the shape of a ticket. It's the best day of my career.
Sound: ls3 punch rattle.
PHIL Seventy-three.
Sound: ls punch.
DALE Fiddler, Level Eight. You're dripping on your fiddle. Next.
PHIL Seventy-four.
Sound: ls3 punch rattle.
PHIL Seventy-five. Seventy-six. Seventy-seven. Seventy-eight. Seventy-nine.
Sound: ls chime.
THE ANNOUNCER Five minutes to door-close. We apologize for the hurry.
Sound: ls essence.
PIM (out of breath) Conductor! I've got all of it. I didn't drop one.
Sound: ls fare box.
Sound: ls punch.
DALE Pim. Porter. Level Three.
PIM Three!
DALE I know, I'm reading it. Congratulations. Next.
PHIL Eighty.
Sound: ls3 wet boarding.
HOLLIS (out of breath) A hundred Essence, Dale.
DALE A hundred? It was sixty!
HOLLIS I'm carrying two people. Punch them.
Sound: ls punch.
DALE Missus Tobin.
Sound: ls punch.
DALE Mister Tobin. Welcome back. You're both very damp.
PHIL Eighty-one. Eighty-two.
Sound: ls level up.
HOLLIS Seventeen.
Sound: ls punch.
DALE And Hollis. You're aboard, so you're inspected. I won't read it out. A man's level is private.
PHIL Eighty-two. Plus Hollis.
DALE Eighty-two? Who's missing? Somebody's still out on the salt.
PHIL Nobody's out on the salt, Dale. I counted heads twice.
DALE Then I've done everybody. I did Vell, I did the Tobins, I did a Warden, I did you. I did a baby in a blanket. I've done all of them.
PHIL That's not how I remember it.
DALE Who'd I miss?
(A pause.)
PHIL Dale. Yours.
Music: sting transition dark.
Scene: ls caboose bed.
DALE Mine doesn't count, Phil.
PHIL It's a ticket. It's aboard.
DALE A conductor inspecting his own ticket. That's a conflict of interest. In consulting, you'd get let go for that. Not that it's ever come up.
PHIL Dale, every ticket aboard. That's the rule.
DALE And what if I'm short? What if it says I owe something? Then I have to fine myself, Phil, and I can't afford me.
AN OLD MAN What's the holdup?
A BOY He won't do his own.
A WOMAN Conductor. Please.
DALE It's not that I won't. It's a matter of policy. A conductor doesn't read his own ticket. It's like a barber cutting his own hair.
DALE Phil, here's what I'll do. I'll inspect it first thing tomorrow. Twice. I'll make a whole morning of it.
PHIL It has to be during the stop, Dale. That's one thirteen.
DALE One thirteen is a very pushy rule.
PHIL You told me yourself, in the closet. You're the conductor. You're the one who reads them.
DALE I say a lot of things in the closet, Phil. It's my office.
Sound: ls chime.
THE ANNOUNCER One minute to door-close. We apologize for the wait.
HOLLIS Dale. Read the ticket.
DALE You stay out of this, Hollis. You're not even from this car.
AUNTIE VELL Love. Eighty-two of us held our tickets out for you tonight. Hold yours out.
(A pause.)
DALE I'm getting to it. I'm working up to it. There's a process.
Sound: hat snatch.
DALE Hey. That's crew property.
PIM Conductor. Tickets, please.
(A pause.)
Sound: ls3 card unfold.
PIM It was in your hat the whole time.
DALE That's where it lives. It holds the cap up.
PIM You have to punch it. You punched mine.
(A pause.)
Sound: ls punch.
(A pause.)
DALE Dale Tummins. Conductor. Level Three.
(A pause.)
DALE Destination: Earth.
(A pause.)
DALE Remaining fare: paid in full. Arrival status: Mandatory.
(A pause.)
Sound: ls doors warn.
(A pause.)
Sound: ls chime.
THE ANNOUNCER Doors are now closed. The quota has not been met. Releasing the rearmost carriage.
Sound: ls release clank.
(A pause.)
THE ANNOUNCER Release refused. Crew aboard. Carriage in service. Under rule one hundred and fourteen, power to the rearmost carriage is suspended until the quota is met. We apologize for the inconvenience.
Sound: ls power down.
(A pause.)
DALE Apology accepted.
THE ANNOUNCER Your acceptance has been noted.
(A pause.)
A WOMAN We're moving.
A MAN We're still on. We're still on the train!
Sound: crowd cheer.
AN OLD MAN Somebody find a candle!
PIM (excited) Auntie Vell, we're still on!
AUNTIE VELL I heard, love. I heard. Stand back from the stove, I'm lighting it.
Sound: match strike.
A WOMAN It's cold already.
AN OLD MAN Power suspended. What's that mean, Vell?
AUNTIE VELL It means we're still here, and it's dark. I'll take dark.
Sound: ls level up.
Sound: ls notice.
THE ANNOUNCER Conductor, Level Four. Crew duties recorded: one carriage kept in service. We apologize for the dark.
(A pause.)
DALE Phil.
PHIL I'm here.
DALE Level Four. And I'm going home, Phil. It says Earth. Mandatory. That means they can't change their minds.
(A pause.)
PHIL You kept everybody on the train tonight, Dale. All eighty-three.
DALE Eighty-four with Hollis.
HOLLIS Don't count me.
DALE I counted you. You're in the book.
PIM Conductor? Is Earth the one with the Tuesdays?
DALE Every week, Pim. Regular as anything.
PIM Will you send me a postcard? From there?
DALE I'll send you the whole rack.
(A pause.)
PIM Here's your cap.
Sound: hat on.
(A pause.)
DALE It's too big again.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: ls first class bed.
WARDEN GANT Release refused, Head Warden. The train said it out loud. I've never heard it refuse anything.
HEAD WARDEN MORROW No. You wouldn't have.
WARDEN GANT Crew aboard, it said. Carriage in service.
(A pause.)
HEAD WARDEN MORROW A conductor. After forty years.
WARDEN GANT Sir?
HEAD WARDEN MORROW I sent you to stand in that door, Warden.
WARDEN GANT I stood in it, sir. He asked for my ticket. It was a ticket check, sir. I showed it.
(A pause.)
HEAD WARDEN MORROW Of course you did.
WARDEN GANT For the report, sir. At door-close I was in the car ahead. I was not aboard the rearmost carriage.
HEAD WARDEN MORROW That's very precise of you.
WARDEN GANT He also fined me, sir. For being aboard uninspected.
HEAD WARDEN MORROW Did you pay it?
WARDEN GANT Not yet, sir. It's in pencil.
HEAD WARDEN MORROW Pencil.
WARDEN GANT He said he'd go over it in pen when he found one.
HEAD WARDEN MORROW How many in that car now?
WARDEN GANT Eighty-three, sir. And the Lifeguard from the Middle. He came in carrying two of them.
HEAD WARDEN MORROW Eighty-four, then. And a man with a punch.
(A pause.)
HEAD WARDEN MORROW Find me everything we have on conductors.
WARDEN GANT What do we have, sir?
HEAD WARDEN MORROW That's what I'd like to know.
Music: sting transition dark.
Scene: ls caboose bed.
Sound: ls1 soup ladle.
AUNTIE VELL Bowls up. Keep your coats on. It's dark, but it's hot.
PIM Is it still Tuesday?
AUNTIE VELL It's always Tuesday, love. The stove doesn't need the train. Finish the bowl, everybody. It keeps the cold off.
Sound: sneeze.
PHIL Sorry. The smoke.
AUNTIE VELL Well done tonight, love. Forty-three years I've watched them go from that back window. Tonight I got to watch one not go.
DALE It was a team effort, Vell. Mostly mine. But everybody was in it.
DALE Hollis. I've been thinking about your debt.
HOLLIS A hundred.
DALE I'm fining you for it. The whole amount. Carrying a debt aboard my carriage after door-close. Consider it paid.
Sound: pencil scratch.
HOLLIS A hundred and twenty.
DALE That's more!
HOLLIS You fined me. Fines are an expense. Expenses go on the account.
DALE Phil, with Hollis in, the fines book comes to six hundred and eleven Essence. That's more than the whole quota. If anybody in it paid up, we'd have the lights on.
PHIL Nobody in it is going to pay, Dale.
DALE That's what makes it a fine. If they paid, it'd just be shopping.
HOLLIS And I'll want my shoes.
DALE What shoes?
HOLLIS Dale.
DALE Phil, what shoes?
PHIL I'm not in this one.
A WOMAN Mister Brandt? It's Ida Tobin. Thank you. For carrying us.
HOLLIS It's on the account.
A WOMAN We haven't got an account.
HOLLIS You have now.
(A pause.)
DALE Pass me a postcard, Phil. And bring the light closer.
Sound: pencil scratch.
DALE Dear Nana. Big news. I'm coming home. It says so on my ticket, Earth, and it says Mandatory, so it's not just me saying it. The lights are off in the Caboose tonight, but that's to save money, and it was more or less my idea.
DALE Everybody's fine. Phil's got smoke in his nose. Vell made Tuesday. I kept eighty-three people on a train today, Nana, and I fined a Warden, and it was legitimate. I know what you're going to say. You're going to say, That's nice, honey. And then you'll fold something.
DALE P.S. If Hollis comes into the Duck, the dryers are broken.
(A pause.)
PIM (sleepy) Conductor?
DALE Go to sleep, Pim.
PIM (sleepy) What does Mandatory mean?
DALE It means very important passenger.
PIM Like First Class?
DALE Better. First Class has to pay.
PIM Mm. Night, Conductor.
(A pause.)
Sound: ls mail slot.
(A pause.)
PHIL Dale?
DALE Mm.
(A pause.)
PHIL Nothing. Good night.
(A pause.)
Sound: ls chime.
THE ANNOUNCER Next stop...
Sound: ls3 pa static.
THE ANNOUNCER ...we apologize for the delay.
Music: ls end credits.