A Full-Cast Audio Drama
The script of the full-cast audio drama of Dale Tummins's fourth year at Frogwarts. There is no narrator. Scene, sound and music cues are as performed. A free parody by LineCrush. Not affiliated with or endorsed by anyone it pokes fun at. Not for sale.
Scene: laundromat day.
Sound: gf dryer buzz.
A WOMAN That's the third time it's buzzed. It said forty minutes on the door.
DALE That's dryer four, ma'am. Dryer four likes to be asked twice. While she thinks it over, can I interest you in a cone of fries?
A WOMAN Fries. In a laundromat.
DALE Most people wait forty minutes and go home with socks. You'd go home with socks and fries.
Sound: gf fryer.
DALE Hear that? Used deep fryer. It came out of a chip shop that turned into a shoe shop, so it's been through a lot. I've got it wedged between washer six and the change machine, so it's always warm, and so's the change.
A WOMAN Is that allowed?
DALE The change machine hasn't said anything. Small, regular or large?
A WOMAN Small. What's that on top of it?
DALE That's Lightning. He likes the warm part. He's very slow, so nothing gets past him.
NANA Dale, honey. The snail. It isn't sanitary.
DALE He's clean, Nana. He's been through the washers.
NANA That's nice, honey.
DALE Salt? There's vinegar too. It's my Nana's laundry vinegar. She keeps it by the washers. I've never asked her why, and I'm not going to start in front of a customer.
Sound: gf cone.
A WOMAN Oh. Oh, these are good.
DALE Tell your dryer.
Sound: shop bell.
Sound: sneeze.
PHIL Dale, I could smell it from my bedroom. My mother's out on the step looking for the fire.
DALE That's word of mouth, Phil. Through the nose. You want a cone? Friends and family pay full price, because I know you're good for it.
PHIL I'm allergic to frying oil. I found out this morning. In bed.
DALE Then stand by the dryers. Nobody's ever been allergic to a dryer.
Sound: sneeze.
PHIL Fourth year in two weeks. You never told me what happened at the end of third...
DALE We don't talk about third year.
PHIL I was there for most of it.
DALE Then you know why.
Sound: owl swoop.
AN OLD MAN Is that an owl? Indoors?
DALE He's from out of town, sir. They don't have doors where he's from. Phil, it's Tilly.
Sound: letter unfold.
DALE Dear Mister Tummins. Over the summer I have built you a filing system. It has a drawer for clients, a drawer for creditors, and a drawer for Hollis, which is the biggest drawer. There is also a folder called Ideas, and inside it, a smaller folder called Good Ideas. It is empty, but it's very well labeled. Stapled. Tilly.
PHIL What's in the Hollis drawer?
DALE Everything I ever signed, Phil. I didn't know I'd signed so much. Some of it's napkins.
Sound: owl swoop.
A WOMAN Is there a sale on?
DALE There's always a sale on, ma'am. Phil, it's the wizard paper.
Sound: gf newspaper.
DALE Listen. The Squidditch World Final. The Greens against the Reds. A hundred thousand wizards in one field. And at the bottom, Ministry seeks vendors.
PHIL A hundred thousand.
DALE A hundred thousand stomachs, Phil, all in a field, a long way from their kitchens. Nana, can I borrow the fryer for a weekend?
NANA That's nice, honey.
DALE She said yes.
PHIL Dale, you've never been to a sports final.
DALE I've never been to a lot of places. That's why they invented maps.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: gf campsite.
A MAN Go and tell the man in the nightdress that the Muddles wear trousers.
A WIZARD It's a nice nightdress.
A MAN That's the fourth one today.
A WIZARD Then it's catching on.
A MAN And the fellow with the funnel on his head?
A WIZARD It's a hat.
A MAN It's got a handle.
A WIZARD Then you tell him. I told the nightdress.
Sound: crowd murmur.
AN OLD MAN Pitch two hundred! Has anybody seen pitch two hundred?
A WITCH Who's had my kettle? It whistles, so somebody knows.
Scene: gf fryer bed.
DALE Phil, read me the permit one more time.
PHIL Tummins Fries. Vendor. Pitch forty. Very far back.
DALE They underlined very. Nobody underlines a word for a guy they don't care about.
PHIL Dale, I can cover the stadium with my thumb.
DALE Then everybody coming from your thumb has to walk past us to get home. We're the last thing they smell.
PHIL We're past the toilets.
DALE Then we're the second-to-last thing. That's still a medal.
PHIL And the fryer's cord is lying in the grass. It isn't plugged into anything.
DALE It's a wizard campsite, Phil. Everything's plugged into something. Stand back. Crispio.
(A pause.)
DALE It's warming up on the inside.
PHIL Crispio isn't a spell, Dale. You made it up on Tuesday.
DALE And I've been practicing since Tuesday. Crispio.
Sound: magic chime.
Sound: gf fryer.
DALE There.
PHIL That was my wand.
DALE That was the spell going through you, Phil. You're a very good conductor.
Sound: footsteps sand.
RUDY BAGWELL Is that frying? Something out here is frying! Rudy Bagwell, Ministry, Games and Sport! What a stall! What a smell! Four of the big ones!
DALE Four large, Mister Bagwell. That's eight Pickles. And about pitch forty, sir...
Sound: gf cone.
RUDY BAGWELL Put it on the Ministry!
DALE Which part of the Ministry, sir? Is there a form?
RUDY BAGWELL Lovely! Far back! Marvelous! Put it on the Ministry!
Sound: footsteps away.
DALE Phil, he didn't hear one word.
PHIL He took four cones.
DALE That's a man who knows what he wants. He just doesn't want to hear about it. Write it down. Ministry, four large.
PHIL Who do we send it to?
DALE The Ministry. They'll know who they are.
Scene: gf campsite.
PHIL Dale, you can't put your head in somebody's tent.
DALE Nine people have gone into that tent, Phil, and nobody's come out. Nine people is a lot of lunch. Room service!
Sound: gf tent flap.
MRS. MEASLEY Who wants more sausages? Sit down, all of you, there's plenty.
DALE Phil, it's a house in here. They've got stairs. In a tent. They've got an armchair with a doily on it. I've got a folding chair, and I was proud of that chair.
PHIL Dale, come out.
DALE How many redheads can one family have, Phil? I'm at seven, and somebody's still coming down the stairs.
LON Mate. Whose head is that?
LARRY No idea.
DALE (whispering) Phil, it's the famous kid, and he's eating somebody else's sausage.
PHIL They're his friends. They're feeding him.
DALE That's how it starts. One sausage, and you've lost a guy to sausages for life.
TED Borge. We've got a head.
BORGE Hello, head. Private function. Family and guests.
DALE Dale Tummins, Tummins Fries. We deliver.
TED From where?
DALE Pitch forty.
BORGE Pitch forty? That's practically back at school.
TED Off you pop, then. Tummins of the Far Back.
Sound: gf tent flap.
DALE Phil. They gave me a name.
PHIL I don't think it was a nice one.
DALE Tummins of the Far Back. It sounds like a knight. An old knight, who's been around, and has a long walk home.
PHIL It sounds like a pitch number.
DALE Put it on the sign, Phil. Big letters. Tummins of the Far Back. Open late, because it takes people a while to get here.
Sound: gf fryer.
Scene: gf stadium top.
Sound: stadium roar.
RUDY BAGWELL And the Greens score again! That's a hundred and twenty to ten! I'm running out of ways to say it! The Greens have scored!
A MAN Did I miss it? I've been on the stairs since breakfast.
DALE You didn't miss a thing, sir. From up here, nothing's happened all day. Small, regular or large? We're the closest stand to the sky.
A MAN Large. Which ones are the players?
DALE The dots, sir. The big dot's the Waffle. The little dots are Budgers. Keep away from the little dots.
A MAN They're a mile down.
DALE That's how they get you.
Sound: gf cone.
A WOMAN Regular, extra vinegar. Up the Greens!
A MAN Vinegar. That's a Greens thing, vinegar. Proper Reds take salt.
A WOMAN Proper Reds are losing by a hundred and ten.
A MAN Not on salt, they're not.
DALE Folks, Tummins Fries is neutral. Salt and vinegar are both welcome at this counter. Two Pickles each. Phil, how do you say neutral so it sounds like you're on everybody's side?
PHIL That's what neutral means.
DALE Then I'm nailing it.
Sound: sneeze.
PHIL Sorry. There's pollen up here. I didn't know pollen went this high.
DALE It came for the game, Phil. Everybody did.
RUDY BAGWELL Hold on! Hold on! Hektor Crumb, the Reds' Seeker, has seen something! He's diving! Straight down! Has he seen the Glitch? He's seen the Glitch!
Sound: crowd murmur.
DALE Phil, is anybody going to catch that guy?
PHIL He's diving, Dale. He's the Seeker.
DALE From up here, every sport is a guy falling.
RUDY BAGWELL Crumb has it! Hektor Crumb has the Glitch!
Sound: stadium roar.
(A pause.)
RUDY BAGWELL And the Greens win the World Final! Crumb caught the Glitch, and his team lost anyway! By ten! Isn't sport wonderful!
Sound: gf crowd groan.
A MAN Why'd he catch it? Why would anybody catch it?
A WOMAN To end it, love. They were never catching up.
DALE Phil, he knew it was over, so he closed the stand himself. That's the hardest thing in business. Most guys stay open till somebody turns the lights off on them.
PHIL Dale, they lost.
DALE On his terms. Phil, get the marker. The small size isn't small anymore. It's Crumb Fries.
PHIL Why?
DALE Because a lot of people are about to walk down a lot of stairs feeling small, and they'll want something they can finish.
Sound: marker squeak.
A BOY One Crumb Fries, please.
DALE One small. One Crumb. Sorry. I'm new to it too.
Scene: gf campsite.
AN OLD MAN Last one. You have it.
A MAN No, you have it. You came all this way for the Reds.
AN OLD MAN I came all this way to see him catch it, and he did. He looked at the score, and he looked at the Glitch, and he thought, well, at least I'll have that.
A MAN Like the last fry.
AN OLD MAN Like the last fry. Give it here, then.
Sound: munch.
A MAN It says Crumb Fries on the cone.
AN OLD MAN Poor lad. Catches the Glitch, loses the final, and somebody names the small after him.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: mountain night.
PHIL (whispering) Dale. Dale, wake up.
DALE (sleepy) Is it a customer? Tell him we open at six. Tell him it's worth the wait.
Sound: gf camp chaos.
PHIL Something's wrong. Everybody's shouting. The tents are coming down.
DALE Phil, it's two in the morning and the whole field is up and walking around. Light the fryer.
A WIZARD (shouting) Into the woods! Everybody, into the woods, now!
A WOMAN Grown-ups in masks! Down by the big tents! Get the children!
DALE Masks. Phil, it's a costume party. A costume party always runs out of snacks.
PHIL They're knocking tents over, Dale.
DALE Some people dance like that. You don't judge a customer by his dancing.
Sound: shelter collapse.
PHIL Ow.
DALE Phil?
PHIL Tent pole. I'm fine. Get in the cupboard.
DALE The cupboard's full of potatoes.
PHIL Then get in with the potatoes.
Sound: door creak.
DALE (muffled) Phil, I want it on the record that I'm not scared. I've made room for you in here, and I've made it on my side.
PHIL Your knee's in my good ear.
DALE Then they've both got something in them. That's balance.
Sound: gf sky sign.
Sound: crowd gasp.
A WITCH (whispering) Oh, no. Oh, I haven't seen that since I was a girl.
AN OLD MAN Eyes down, love. Keep walking. Don't give it the satisfaction.
PHIL (whispering) What is it? You've got the crack in the door. Dale, what is it?
DALE It's a sign, Phil. Up in the sky. Green, and very big, and not friendly.
PHIL What kind of sign?
DALE Whoever they are, they've got a logo, and they've put it where nobody can miss it. Phil, that's a marketing budget.
PHIL Dale, people are frightened.
DALE People are frightened of what they don't understand. That's why you put it on a hat. Paper hats, Phil. Souvenir sky-sign hats. I saw the sign, I ran into the woods, and all I got was this hat.
PHIL Nobody is going to want that hat.
DALE Not tonight. Tomorrow, when it's a story.
Scene: gf camp dawn.
A MAN Fourteen tents down. Nobody hurt. One goat on a roof.
A WIZARD Whose goat?
A MAN Nobody's. That's what bothers me.
A WIZARD They found the Spotter boy, did you hear? Out by the woods, right where the thing went up.
A MAN Of course they did. Every time something happens, that boy's standing next to it, looking surprised.
A WIZARD What was he doing there?
A MAN Nobody's saying. And there was a boy with a fryer who tried to sell me breakfast during an arrest.
A WIZARD Did you buy any?
A MAN Two. One for me, and one for the fellow I was holding on to. He'd had a long night as well.
Scene: gf campsite.
A WOMAN Were you two here last night? At this stand?
PHIL We hid in a cupboard. With the potatoes.
DALE What Phil means, ma'am, is that we held the stand. The whole field ran into the woods, and Tummins Fries stayed right here. I stood at this counter and I said, not tonight. Not at pitch forty.
PHIL That's not how I remember it.
DALE Phil was in the cupboard, ma'am. He saw it from the potatoes' side. Also, he took a tent pole in the ear. It's fine. It was a small pole.
PHIL It was a big pole.
DALE It was a medium pole, and he'll hear out of it by Tuesday. Regular?
A WOMAN Regular.
DALE One regular. Survivor's portion. It's the same size. It just means more.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: train compartment.
TILLY (excited) Mister Tummins! You're here! I stapled the whole summer!
DALE The whole summer, Tilly?
TILLY Every receipt. Fryer, one, used. Potatoes, nine sacks. Permit, one, very far back. Ministry, four large, put on the Ministry. I've written to the Ministry about it.
DALE Did they write back?
TILLY They sent me a leaflet about owls.
DALE That's a foot in the door. While you're filing, Tilly, Nana packed the box. Nap sandwiches. Warm milk bread, honey and chamomile, pressed flat with the iron.
TILLY The ones that put me to sleep in the middle of my own sentence last spring?
DALE You finished it after lunch, and you said it was worth the wait. And she put in a bottle of her laundry vinegar, so the fries taste like home.
TILLY Like the laundromat, Mister Tummins?
DALE That's home, Tilly. It's where the socks are.
TILLY Mister Tummins, why is your trunk dripping?
DALE That's the fryer. It's still got some summer in it.
Sound: compartment door.
TILLY (whispering) Mister Tummins. Creditor. Two doors down, and he's opening every one.
DALE Tilly, if anybody asks, I'm luggage.
Sound: gf luggage rack.
Sound: compartment door.
HOLLIS Grubb.
TILLY Mister Brandt. You've got a sash.
HOLLIS Steward.
TILLY A steward of what?
HOLLIS Not allowed to say yet.
(A pause.)
HOLLIS Thirty-eight.
DALE I'm not here.
HOLLIS Your feet are.
Sound: pencil scratch.
HOLLIS Feet, two. Noted.
Sound: compartment door.
TILLY He's gone, Mister Tummins. He wrote down your feet.
DALE Let him. They're not worth anything without the rest of me.
Sound: trolley rattle.
A WITCH Anything from the trolley, dears?
DALE Ma'am. Up here. Do you take fries in trade? I've got a whole trunk of them, lightly summered.
A WITCH I don't buy anything out of a luggage rack, dear. I learned that the hard way.
DALE That's fair. Tilly, put the trolley down as a prospect. I'm staying up here. It's the best seat on the train, and you can hear right through the wall.
Scene: train compartment.
DRAGO My father says something big is happening at Frogwarts this year.
A BOY What is it, Drago?
DRAGO He can't tell me, Grabb. It's Ministry business. He's very high up.
A BOY How high?
DRAGO High enough not to tell me things. That's how you know it's big. Nobody keeps a secret about something small.
A BOY Is it a feast?
DRAGO It's bigger than a feast.
A BOY Two feasts.
DRAGO Stop guessing. And Boyle, stop eating his Chocolate Toad. Grabb, he'll buy you another one. Won't you, Boyle?
Sound: munch.
DRAGO That's a no.
Scene: train compartment.
DALE Tilly. Take a memo.
TILLY Ready, Mister Tummins.
DALE Something big is happening at Frogwarts this year. It's so big, Drago Malfoil's father won't even tell Drago. Now. Who's the one person at that school Drago Malfoil's father would never tell Drago about?
TILLY Is it you, Mister Tummins?
DALE I didn't want to be the one to say it. Underline big. Twice.
TILLY Stapled.
Sound: gf stapler click.
Scene: great hall.
DALE Phil, at the Sudsy Duck, when it rains indoors, that's a leak. Nana puts a bucket under it and sends the landlord a bill for the bucket. Here they put the rain on the ceiling on purpose.
Sound: thunder crack.
A GIRL Is it going to rain on the food?
A BOY It never rains on the food. It just looks like it wants to.
PHIL It's enchanted to look like the sky, Dale. You've eaten under it for three years.
DALE Never with a storm. A storm's an upgrade.
Sound: door bang.
Sound: gf peg thump.
Sound: hall hush.
PROFESSOR BROODY Don't get up. Stay sharp!
Sound: gf broody eye.
A GIRL (whispering) Don't let it see you. Get behind the gravy.
BUMBLEMORE Ah. Everyone, this is Professor Alaster Broody, our new teacher of Defense Against the Dark Arts. Do sit down, Alaster. There's soup.
PROFESSOR BROODY I'll have my own.
Sound: gf flask swig.
DALE Phil, he brought his own soup. He doesn't trust the kitchen. That's a man who's been in the food service industry.
PHIL That's a flask.
DALE A flask of soup, Phil. He's a professional.
BUMBLEMORE And now a small announcement, which happens to be very large. This year, Frogwarts will host the Try-Wizard Tournament.
Music: gf goblet theme.
Sound: hall cheer.
BUMBLEMORE Three schools. Three champions. Three tasks. Our two guest schools arrive in October and stay until summer, so please be kind to them, especially the ones who don't seem to need it.
DALE Phil. Tryouts.
BUMBLEMORE However. Nobody under seventeen may enter. Not even by a day.
Sound: kids groan.
TED (shouting) That's not fair, Professor! We're seventeen in April!
BORGE We'll be very seventeen!
BUMBLEMORE Then you'll both be magnificent in April, Mister Measley and Mister Measley.
TED (whispering) Borge. Aging potion.
BORGE One drop each.
TED Two, to be safe.
BORGE Three, to be very safe.
DALE Phil, they're going to get older on purpose. Nana's been trying to go the other way for thirty years. She's got a cream. And how do you try out for a wizard? Do you just stand there in front of people and be one?
PHIL Try-Wizard, Dale. Three wizards. Three schools.
DALE I heard him, Phil. Tryouts. And seventeen's fine. I'm not trying out to be one. But somebody's going to stand in a cold field all year watching people try out for a wizard, and somebody's going to be hungry.
PHIL Seventeen. That's the first sensible rule I've ever heard at this school.
Sound: footsteps stone.
A GIRL Larry, is it true? You were in the woods? Right where the sign went up?
LARRY Can we just eat?
DALE Larry. Dale. From the field. I had the stand at pitch forty.
LARRY Oh. Hi.
LON Mate, we're eating.
DALE Say no more. Two guys who were in the same field this summer don't need to talk about it. Enjoy your potatoes.
LARRY Thanks?
Sound: footsteps stone.
DALE Phil, he said thanks.
PHIL It was a question.
DALE Then I'll get back to him.
Scene: castle corridor.
DALE Evening, Sir Pomeroy.
SIR POMEROY Oh. It's fourth year.
DALE You remembered, sir.
SIR POMEROY I've been dreading it since August.
DALE Phil, he's been counting the days.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: lecture hall.
Sound: explosion small.
Sound: kids scream.
PROFESSOR BROODY That's what it sounds like when you're not paying attention. Again.
Sound: explosion small.
PROFESSOR BROODY Better. Only three of you jumped. Longbottle, your toad didn't jump at all. He's showing you up.
NEVIN Kevin's very calm, Professor. He's been asleep since July.
PROFESSOR BROODY I'm not teaching you spells this year. Not yet. I'm teaching you to stay sharp. Somebody in this room is hiding food.
Sound: gf broody eye.
PROFESSOR BROODY Tummins. Left pocket. Large, by the smell.
DALE Professor, that's a coat pocket. A man's coat is private.
PROFESSOR BROODY Not to this eye. Out with it.
DALE It's a small, sir. It only smells large. That's the vinegar. My Nana keeps it by the washers.
Sound: gf cone.
PROFESSOR BROODY Concealed fries in my classroom. Five points from Snufflepuff.
DALE (proud) Five. Phil. On the first day.
PHIL Dale, that's bad.
DALE It's a pace, Phil.
PROFESSOR BROODY Tummins. Something's coming up behind you in the dark. What do you do?
DALE Ask if it's eaten, sir.
PROFESSOR BROODY Wrong.
DALE Ask if it's eaten recently.
PROFESSOR BROODY Brumley.
Sound: explosion small.
Sound: magic chime.
PROFESSOR BROODY Blocked it without turning round. Good, Brumley. Five points to Snufflepuff.
DALE (whispering) Phil. That was my five. You gave it back.
PHIL (whispering) I didn't mean to.
DALE (whispering) Now we're at zero. It's like I never came in.
PROFESSOR BROODY Now. Every one of you has had something taken off you since you walked through that door. Check your bags.
Sound: zipper.
A GIRL My quill's gone! I was holding it!
PROFESSOR BROODY You were holding a carrot. Since the first bang.
A BOY Where's my left shoe? I came in with two!
NEVIN (panicked) Kevin's gone!
PROFESSOR BROODY Kevin's in my desk drawer, Longbottle, asleep. He'll be fine. He'll be finer than you.
DALE Professor. A man with an eye like that could watch a whole fry stand from his office without getting up. Tummins Fries is looking for a head of security. I'd pay you in fries, hot, once a week.
PROFESSOR BROODY Stay sharp, Tummins!
DALE He said stay, Phil. When a man tells you to stay, he wants you around.
PHIL He said sharp.
DALE One thing at a time.
Sound: munch.
DALE (whispering) Phil, do I charge him? That was a whole small.
PHIL (whispering) He's eating the evidence.
DALE He's tasting it, Phil. That's more than anybody at this school has ever done for my product.
PROFESSOR BROODY Out. All of you.
Sound: kids rush.
PROFESSOR BROODY Not you, Tummins. If there's another one in your sock, I'll know.
DALE Which sock, sir?
Sound: gf broody eye.
PROFESSOR BROODY The left one.
DALE Phil, he's good. I didn't know about the left one.
Scene: castle corridor.
Sound: gf peg thump.
PROFESSOR SNIPE Broody.
PROFESSOR BROODY Snipe.
PROFESSOR SNIPE Going through the students' pockets on the very first day. Old habits.
PROFESSOR BROODY Old habits, Snipe. I'd keep an eye on yours, if I were you.
Sound: gf broody eye.
PROFESSOR SNIPE I imagine you'll keep both of yours on them.
Sound: footsteps away.
Sound: gf flask swig.
PROFESSOR BROODY Hm. Needs salt.
Music: sting transition dark.
Scene: gf shore crowd.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Straight lines, please. First-years at the front, where they can see. And Mister Tummins wherever Mister Tummins has put that stand.
DALE By the reeds, Professor. Welcome Fries. Every guest is just a customer you haven't met yet.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE That is not what guest means.
DALE It is by the reeds.
PHIL Dale, they've come a very long way. They'll have eaten on the way.
DALE Nobody eats on the way, Phil. You just think about eating. That's what on the way is.
Sound: gf winged carriage.
A GIRL Up there! Horses! Flying horses!
A BOY Every one of them's as big as a house!
Sound: kids ooh.
BUMBLEMORE Madame Maximum. Welcome to Frogwarts.
MADAME MAXIMUM Albert. Thank you. It was a long way, and my horses are very thirsty.
HAGGARD I'll see to them myself, Madame. Lovely big lads. Lovely.
DALE Madame Maximum. Dale Tummins, Tummins Fries. After a trip like that, I'd recommend the champion size.
MADAME MAXIMUM How kind. What is the champion size?
DALE It's the large, ma'am, with the bottom folded up so it holds more.
MADAME MAXIMUM Thank you, young man. Not this evening. Perhaps another time.
DALE Phil, she said perhaps. In my line of work, perhaps is a yes that hasn't found its purse.
A GIRL The lake! The lake's bubbling!
Sound: gf ship rise.
Sound: crowd gasp.
DALE See? Deeper than they look.
PHIL Dale, it's a whole ship.
DALE I've been saying it for years, Phil. Nobody listens to a guy about a lake.
Sound: gf tentacle slap.
DALE The squid's offended, Phil. Nobody told him a ship was coming up through his lake. Nobody asked him. He works here.
PHIL He doesn't work here.
DALE He works for me, Phil. I'll be taking this up with the visitors, on his behalf.
Sound: footsteps stone.
HEADMASTER CORKAROFF Albert! Albert, my dear old friend. How are you? How warm it is here. How very warm.
BUMBLEMORE Headmaster Corkaroff. Welcome.
DALE Headmaster! Welcome Fries! On behalf of the squid, welcome, and please don't park on him again.
HEADMASTER CORKAROFF No. My students do not eat out of a box beside a lake.
DALE It's a cone, sir.
HEADMASTER CORKAROFF Hektor. Come. Do not stop.
A GIRL (excited) It's him! It's Hektor Crumb!
A BOY From the final! He caught the Glitch!
DALE Mister Crumb. One small? It's named after you. On the menu, it's Crumb Fries.
Sound: coin single.
Sound: gf cone.
(A pause.)
HEKTOR CRUMB Good.
Sound: footsteps away.
DALE Phil. Good. One word. That's a review.
PHIL He's famous for not talking.
DALE Then that's the best review he's ever given.
EDRIC HICKORY Is the stand still open? Sorry. Edric. Edric Hickory, seventh-year. Snufflepuff, same as you.
DALE Edric Hickory. For the house, Tummins Fries is always open.
EDRIC HICKORY Could I get a large, extra salt? I had practice at two, and I've been standing on this shore since four, and I think I'm hollow.
DALE A large, extra salt. Phil, write that down. That's a regular.
EDRIC HICKORY It's my first one.
DALE That's how every regular starts, Edric. Anywhere, any time, I'll bring it to you. That's the Tummins guarantee.
Sound: gf cone.
EDRIC HICKORY That's better. I'm a lot less hollow already.
Sound: tentacle sink.
DALE And Phil, put the squid down for a small, on the house. He's had a day.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: gf entrance hall.
A BOY Go on. Step over it.
A GIRL You step over it. You're the one who's fifteen.
A BOY It'll throw you in the lake.
A GIRL It's a line. Lines don't throw anybody.
A BOY Then step over it.
A GIRL I'm not saying it won't.
DALE Tilly, I need an application. Short. Professional. It's got to say hot food without sounding hungry.
TILLY On a napkin, Mister Tummins?
DALE It's a cup of fries, Tilly. It's going to expect a napkin. Anything else, and it'll think I'm an amateur.
TILLY Dale Tummins. Tummins Fries. Concessions.
DALE References available.
TILLY I've got your references right here. Your Nana. Mister Bagwell from the Ministry. And the man in the nightdress, who says you were very polite about it.
DALE Put them on.
Sound: gf stapler click.
TILLY Stapled.
TED Stand back! Stand back, everybody. My brother Borge and I have been working on something.
BORGE An aging potion. One drop each, and we're seventeen for about an hour.
TED Long enough to get across and drop our names in.
BORGE Three drops, to be very safe.
Sound: vial drink.
Sound: gf age bounce.
Sound: magic poof.
Sound: kids giggle.
A GIRL Beards!
A BOY Down to their knees!
TED Borge. You look ninety.
BORGE You look ninety-one.
TED I always looked older.
PHIL It reads your age, Dale. You can't trick it. And I don't see why anybody's trying. It's a cup. Why is everybody doing what a cup says?
DALE Because it's on fire, Phil. You don't argue with something that's on fire. And they were trying to look seventeen. That's where they went wrong. You don't try to look like anything. You just walk in like you've got a delivery. Tilly, hold my place. If I don't come back, the Good Ideas folder is yours.
TILLY It's empty, Mister Tummins.
DALE Then you've got room.
PHIL Dale, you're fourteen.
DALE I'm not trying out, Phil. I'm submitting paperwork. Nobody stops paperwork.
Sound: sparkle ding.
Sound: hall hush.
(A pause.)
A GIRL He's over.
A BOY How is he over?
DALE Phil. I'm over.
PHIL How are you over?
DALE I don't know, Phil. I'm more surprised than anybody, and I was there for all of it.
Sound: gf goblet flame.
Sound: sizzle.
A GIRL It's gone orange!
A BOY It smells like fries in here.
DALE It liked it, Phil. It took my napkin, and now the whole hall smells like my stand. That's a cup that knows what it's for.
Scene: gf entrance hall.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Professor Flickwit. You checked the line this morning.
PROFESSOR FLICKWIT Twice. It's a beautiful line. Perfect all the way round.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE A fourth-year walked across it with a napkin.
PROFESSOR FLICKWIT Yes. I've been thinking about that since lunch. The line doesn't measure age, you see. It reads what you want.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE And what did Mister Tummins want?
PROFESSOR FLICKWIT Apparently, nothing it had a rule for.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Then change the line.
PROFESSOR FLICKWIT To keep out what? I'd have to know what he wants first.
(A pause.)
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE That boy has never wanted nothing in his life.
PROFESSOR FLICKWIT Does the hall smell of vinegar to you?
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Don't.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: great hall.
Sound: hall hush.
BUMBLEMORE The Goblet has made up its mind. When I call your name, come up, go through the door behind the staff table, and wait in the little room. There are biscuits. I can't promise which kind.
Sound: gf goblet flame.
BUMBLEMORE For Dumstrudel. Hektor Crumb.
Sound: hall cheer.
DALE Phil, I've served that man. One small. He said good.
Sound: gf goblet flame.
BUMBLEMORE For Beaubonbon. Flora Delaflour.
Sound: polite clap.
A GIRL Go on, Flora!
Sound: gf goblet flame.
BUMBLEMORE And for Frogwarts. Edric Hickory.
Sound: hall cheer.
DALE (shouting) My client! That's my client! I feed that man!
PHIL Dale, you're standing on the bench.
DALE You only get one first client in a tournament, Phil.
BUMBLEMORE Splendid. Splendid. Then we have our three champions, and now...
Sound: gf goblet flame.
Sound: hall hush.
(A pause.)
BUMBLEMORE Larry Spotter.
(A pause.)
A GIRL (whispering) He's fourteen.
A BOY (whispering) He put himself in. He must have.
BUMBLEMORE Larry Spotter. Up you come, please.
A BOY That's not fair. Edric was ours.
A GIRL Larry's ours as well.
A BOY Not tonight he isn't.
Sound: footsteps stone.
(A pause.)
Sound: gf goblet cough.
A BOY It's going again.
A GIRL Why's it dripping?
(A pause.)
BUMBLEMORE Hm.
(A pause.)
BUMBLEMORE (sighing) Oh, dear.
DALE Phil. That's my napkin.
PHIL Dale. What did you do?
DALE I applied.
Scene: castle bedroom.
HEADMASTER CORKAROFF Two! Frogwarts has two champions? Albert, the boy is fourteen!
MADAME MAXIMUM It is not correct. My students worked all year to be chosen, and only one was chosen.
LARRY It wasn't me. I never went near it. I don't even know how it works.
BUMBLEMORE I believe you, Larry.
RUDY BAGWELL Bart! Read them the rule! Go on, Bart, the rule!
MR. GROUCH Rule one, paragraph four. What the Goblet picks, the Goblet keeps. Its choice is binding, by magic, and cannot be undone.
RUDY BAGWELL There you are! Binding is binding! You can't argue with the cup! I've never tried, but you can't!
MADAME MAXIMUM Then perhaps we should argue with whoever put his name into it.
HEADMASTER CORKAROFF Then light it again! We will each put in more names until it is fair!
BUMBLEMORE I'm afraid it's gone out until the next tournament, Headmaster. It's very particular.
Scene: castle corridor.
DALE (whispering) Phil. They're doing Larry first. Then us.
PHIL (whispering) There isn't an us, Dale. Come away from the door.
DALE (whispering) Shh. They're getting to the important part.
Scene: castle bedroom.
BUMBLEMORE There is one more matter. It came out after Larry, rather slowly.
Sound: letter unfold.
BUMBLEMORE Dale Tummins. Tummins Fries. Concessions. References available. And the references are attached, with a staple.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Oh, for goodness' sake.
PROFESSOR SNIPE Tummins.
HEADMASTER CORKAROFF A napkin. We are discussing a napkin.
FLORA DELAFLOUR At my school, the caterers are not chosen by a cup.
RUDY BAGWELL Lucky you, Miss Delaflour! Ours are!
EDRIC HICKORY Is it Dale? The fry boy? He's in my house, Professor. He's very reliable. Does this mean there'll be fries at the tasks? Because honestly, that's the first good news I've had tonight.
MR. GROUCH The rule doesn't say what sort of name. Nor what the contract binds it to.
RUDY BAGWELL Then it binds him to fries! Binding is binding! And somebody's got to feed the crowd! Hot food at every task! I'm hungry already, and it's months away!
BUMBLEMORE Well. It seems that, as of tonight, the tournament has a caterer.
Scene: castle corridor.
DALE (whispering) Phil. My client vouched for me. In front of the cup people.
PHIL (whispering) He called you the fry boy.
DALE (whispering) A client can call you anything. From now on, Phil, I'm the Fifth Name.
PHIL What?
DALE That's what they'll call me. Champion, champion, champion, Larry, and then the Fifth Name. People will say it quietly, in corridors.
PHIL People will say the napkin.
DALE Not to my face.
Sound: door creak.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Mister Tummins. Mister Brumley. Ears off the door.
DALE Yes, Professor. And just so you know, Professor, it's The Fifth Name now.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Bed.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: great hall.
Sound: owl swoop.
Sound: box plop.
PHIL Dale. Your mail's in my porridge.
DALE That's not mail, Phil. That's paperwork. Paperwork comes from people who want something.
TILLY It's from the Tournament office, Mister Tummins. The wax seal's got a little cup on it. May I keep the seal?
DALE Keep it, Tilly. Phil, take the porridge end.
Sound: gf contract unroll.
PHIL It's gone off the table.
DALE That's respect, Phil. A short contract is for people they think might leave.
DALE Terms of Service. Tummins Fries, hereafter the Vendor. That's me. I've never been hereafter before. It feels roomy.
DALE Clause one. The Vendor shall serve hot food at all three tasks.
DALE Clause two. Hot shall mean hot.
PHIL That's the whole clause?
DALE It's a strong clause. They didn't pad it. Clause three. Payment upon completion of all three tasks. Clause four. The Vendor shall also serve at every official tournament event.
PHIL What counts as an official event?
DALE Anything with a flag on it. Clause five. The Vendor may not withdraw, regardless of dragons.
(A pause.)
PHIL Regardless of what?
DALE It's a figure of speech, Phil. Like raining cats and dogs. Nobody's expecting actual dragons.
TILLY Mister Tummins, I've found a clause six. It's very small.
DALE Read it, Tilly. My eyes are for the big picture.
TILLY The Goblet accepts no responsibility for lost property, lost hats, or lost eyebrows.
DALE Standard. Every contract's got an eyebrow clause.
Sound: hall hush.
A BOY (whispering) He's here. Don't stare.
A GIRL I'm not staring. I'm glaring. It's different.
Sound: crowd murmur.
PHIL Dale. Does Larry get a scroll like this?
DALE Same cup, same paperwork. Me and Larry Spotter are colleagues now. I'm going to start nodding at him in corridors.
PHIL He's fourteen, Dale. A cup picked him, so now he has to face something with an eyebrow clause, and every grown-up in the castle just nodded. Has anybody called his family?
DALE You can't call a cup's family, Phil. It's a cup.
PHIL Larry's family.
DALE Binding is binding, Phil. Mister Bagwell said so. He said it twice, the second time louder.
PHIL If a cup told me to fight a dragon, my mother would get on the train and have a word with the cup.
DALE She'd lose. That's solid oak.
PHIL I understand.
DALE Take a memo, Tilly. To the Goblet. Regarding your terms. Tummins Fries accepts in full. The Vendor will not withdraw, regardless of dragons, cats or dogs. Signed, Dale Tummins, hereafter.
TILLY Stapled.
Sound: gf stapler click.
Scene: gf headmaster study.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Albert, he is fourteen.
BUMBLEMORE Toffee? It's the very chewy kind. It stops you saying anything you'll regret for nearly a minute.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE He says he didn't put his name in, and I believe him. And the first task is dragons.
BUMBLEMORE Did we settle on dragons?
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE The Ministry settled on dragons. In the summer. You signed the letter.
BUMBLEMORE Ah. The one with the scorch marks. I thought that was the owl.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Then call it off. You're the headmaster.
BUMBLEMORE I've argued with that cup for about six hundred years, Professor. It has never once changed its mind, and it has never once got tired, and I have. So I won't argue with the cup. I'll make sure the boy is never on his own with it. That part I'm rather good at.
(A pause.)
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE And the napkin?
BUMBLEMORE Ah. Mister Tummins. Are his fries any good?
(A pause.)
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Annoyingly.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: castle corridor.
DALE Who's a ripe pear? Who's the best pear in the bowl? You are.
PHIL You're meant to tickle it, Dale. Not flatter it.
DALE In my line of work you warm a client up first.
Sound: gf pear tickle.
DALE See? It's a people pear.
Scene: kitchen busy.
NOBBY Good morning, sirs. Welcome to the kitchens. Nobby is on potatoes today. Nobby is on potatoes most days.
DALE Nobby. Dale Tummins. We go back.
NOBBY Mister Tummins. Nobby remembers you, sir. Nobby remembers you very clearly.
DALE Nobby, I'm a vendor now. Official. And a vendor needs potatoes, so I'm offering you a position. Head of potatoes.
NOBBY Nobby is honored, sir. What are the terms?
DALE Experience.
NOBBY Nobby has had experience, sir. Nobby has had a great deal of experience. Nobby would like a Gallon a week.
DALE A Pickle a month.
NOBBY A Gallon a week.
DALE A Pickle a week, and you keep any potato shaped like a face.
NOBBY A Gallon a week, sir.
(A pause.)
DALE A Gallon a week.
PHIL (whispering) Dale, you went up.
DALE (whispering) I'm letting him think he's winning. Now I hit him with the uniform policy.
DALE Nobby, we have a strict uniform policy. No hats.
NOBBY Nobby would like a hat.
DALE What kind of hat?
NOBBY Nobby will know it when Nobby sees it.
DALE That's how I buy hats too. One hat. But you work Thursdays. Thursday's our busiest day.
NOBBY Why is Thursday the busiest day, sir?
DALE I don't know yet. That's why I need you there.
NOBBY Thursdays off, sir.
DALE Thursdays off.
NOBBY Then Nobby accepts.
DALE Phil, write it down. I came in at a Pickle a month, no hat and every Thursday, and I walked out with an employee.
PHIL You agreed to everything he asked for.
DALE And he agreed to all of it back. That's what a partnership is.
Sound: gf potato sack.
NOBBY (excited) Oh. Oh, sir. There is a gentleman in the potatoes.
DALE Lightning! I've been looking for you since August. He must have come up with the potato order. He travels by sack, Nobby. It's slower, but he's in no hurry.
NOBBY Mister Lightning. Nobby is very pleased to meet you. Nobby has read about snails, but nobody said you would be so shiny.
DALE Don't put your hand out. He can't shake. He takes it personally.
NOBBY Then Nobby will bow down.
(A pause.)
DALE Nobody's ever bowed to him. You've made a friend for life, Nobby, and his life's very slow, so that's a long time.
Sound: door creak.
TILLY Mister Tummins, I've done the payroll.
DALE I only hired him a minute ago.
TILLY I heard you through the pear. A Gallon a week is forty cones. We sold forty-one last week.
DALE So I keep one.
TILLY That's the hat.
DALE Tilly, how do I pay a man a Gallon a week when I haven't got a Gallon?
TILLY You don't, Mister Tummins. The fry money does. I've set up a tin.
DALE That's leadership. Phil, come on. I'm inspecting the ovens. A head of potatoes needs to see the boss walking around.
Sound: footsteps stone.
NOBBY Miss Grubb. May Nobby ask a question about the tin?
TILLY Of course.
NOBBY Who keeps the key?
TILLY I do.
NOBBY Not Mister Tummins?
TILLY Mister Tummins has a lot on his mind.
NOBBY Then Nobby would like it in writing, please. The Gallon, the hat and the Thursdays.
TILLY I've already written it. Three copies. One for you, one for the tin, and one for when Mister Tummins asks what he agreed to.
NOBBY Nobby thinks Miss Grubb is the real head of something.
TILLY Stapled.
Sound: gf stapler click.
NOBBY (whispering) Mister Lightning, you may stay in the potatoes. Nobby will tell nobody.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: castle corridor.
HARMONY The Society for the Kindness to Castle Kitchens. Badges are two Pickles. You. Two Pickles.
A BOY The society for the what?
HARMONY The Kindness to Castle Kitchens.
A BOY The sock club?
HARMONY (sighing) Fine. The sock club. Two Pickles.
A BOY I'm all right, thanks.
Sound: footsteps stone.
DALE Harmony. I'll take one. Do the socks come with the badge, or are the socks extra?
HARMONY There aren't any socks, Dale.
DALE Then what's the club for?
HARMONY There are over a hundred house-elves in this castle. They cook every meal, they wash every sheet, and almost none of them get a wage, or a day off, or anybody asking what they'd like.
DALE Mine gets Thursdays.
(A pause.)
HARMONY Your what?
DALE My head of potatoes. Nobby. A Gallon a week, a hat to be named later, and every Thursday off. He drives a hard bargain. I drove it harder, in the other direction.
HARMONY You pay an elf.
DALE Tilly pays him. I'm more on the vision side.
HARMONY Do you know how many people in this entire castle pay an elf what the elf asked for?
DALE One?
HARMONY (angry) One. You. I've been handing out leaflets for three weeks, and the only person in this whole building who actually agrees with me is you.
DALE That must feel great.
HARMONY It feels awful.
DALE Then let's make it official. Tummins Fries and the sock club. A partnership. You bring the conscience, I bring the fryer, and every elf gets a free cone on Thursdays.
HARMONY No.
PHIL Ten.
DALE Double figures, Phil. Nobody gets turned down ten times by accident. That's a pipeline.
HARMONY Two Pickles, Dale.
Sound: coin single.
Sound: coin single.
HARMONY Thank you. Wear it where people can see it. I have to go and argue with a cook.
Sound: footsteps stone.
DALE Pin it on the outside, Phil. Where the socks would go.
(A pause.)
Sound: hall hush.
A GIRL (whispering) It's him. Move over.
A BOY I'm not walking near him. He put his own name in.
A GIRL Everybody knows he did.
Sound: footsteps stone.
DALE (whispering) Phil, give him room. That's what fame is. Room on both sides.
PHIL (whispering) Dale, nobody's talking to him.
DALE (whispering) When you're famous, people don't talk to you. They talk about you. It's quieter.
LARRY Sorry. Is that a fry tray? Are you open?
DALE Larry Spotter. For a colleague, the tray is always open. What'll it be?
LARRY Just a small, please.
Sound: gf cone.
LARRY Thanks. Really. Thanks a lot.
DALE It's only a small.
LARRY It's the first thing anybody's said to me all week that wasn't about the cup.
DALE That's what a small's for. And your change.
Sound: coin single.
(A pause.)
LARRY Oh. This is a badger.
DALE So it is. Keep it. Everybody should have a badger.
LARRY Right. Thanks. I mean it.
Sound: footsteps stone.
PHIL Dale, that was your Snufflepuff badge. You gave a Gruffindoor our badger.
DALE Now our logo goes everywhere he goes, past every person in the castle. That's free advertising, Phil, and he walks very fast.
PHIL You've still got the sock club one.
DALE Two Pickles, and no socks. I'll be honest, Phil. Of the two badges, I gave away the good one.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: broom cupboard.
GRETA SNEEZER Next. Oh. You're not a champion. Greta Sneezer, the wizard newspaper, and I only do champions, darling, so off you pop.
DALE I'm the fifth name.
(A pause.)
GRETA SNEEZER Are you. Come in. Mind the bucket.
Sound: door creak.
Sound: sneeze.
GRETA SNEEZER Bless you. Who's that?
PHIL Me. Sorry. It's your perfume. Or your glasses. I've never been allergic to glasses before.
DALE Phil's my head of allergens and compliance. Tilly's my secretary. And that's a mop. The mop's not with us.
TILLY Good afternoon, Miss Sneezer.
GRETA SNEEZER How cozy. Quill, darling. Wake up.
Sound: gf quill frenzy.
GRETA SNEEZER Name?
DALE Dale Tummins. Tummins Fries. Small, regular, large and champion.
GRETA SNEEZER And tell me, Dale. When that terrible old cup looked into your heart, what do you think it saw?
DALE Salt, mostly.
Sound: gf quill frenzy.
GRETA SNEEZER Lovely. Let's hear what we've got. Salt, he whispers, his voice cracking. It's all I have left.
DALE I didn't whisper. I'm a normal-volume guy.
GRETA SNEEZER The quill writes what you mean, darling, not what you say.
DALE Then it owes me a correction, because I meant all four sizes.
GRETA SNEEZER And how does it feel, Dale, to be bound by an ancient magical contract, just like poor Larry?
DALE Great. Most people go their whole lives without a contract that reaches the corridor.
Sound: gf quill frenzy.
GRETA SNEEZER Like Larry, he too is trapped.
DALE I'm not trapped. I'm booked.
GRETA SNEEZER Family?
DALE Nana. She runs the Sudsy Duck. Twelve washers and a fryer.
Sound: gf quill frenzy.
GRETA SNEEZER Raised among the endless thunder of the great machines.
DALE That's the dryers. They're very good dryers. You can sleep on top of number four in the winter.
GRETA SNEEZER Smile, darling. Chin up. Not you, sneezing boy.
Sound: gf flashbulb.
Sound: sneeze.
PHIL Sorry.
GRETA SNEEZER We'll cut him out. Now, Dale. Your first year. Your second. And your third year?
(A pause.)
TILLY Mister Tummins doesn't discuss third year.
GRETA SNEEZER Oh, how delicious. Quill?
Sound: gf quill frenzy.
DALE What did it put?
GRETA SNEEZER The secretary's lips are sealed. Something happened that year, something nobody can speak of. Something with soup.
DALE Nothing happened that year. And it wasn't soup.
GRETA SNEEZER Thank you, darling. I've got everything I need.
DALE You haven't got the prices.
GRETA SNEEZER I'll make some up.
TILLY I've written them out for you, Miss Sneezer. Both sides. Stapled.
Sound: gf stapler click.
Scene: castle corridor.
Sound: footsteps stone.
GRETA SNEEZER Quill, darling. The Spotter piece. He's fourteen, he's alone, and he's very brave. Weeping.
Sound: gf quill frenzy.
GRETA SNEEZER More weeping.
Sound: gf quill frenzy.
GRETA SNEEZER Not that much, darling. He'll float away. Now the fry boy. Page nine, bottom corner. Make him tragic. Make it about the forehead.
Sound: gf quill frenzy.
GRETA SNEEZER Oh, you clever thing.
Scene: dungeon class.
Sound: sizzle.
PROFESSOR SNIPE Mister Tummins.
DALE Professor Snipe. Large or regular?
PROFESSOR SNIPE What is in your cauldron.
DALE A potion, sir. A potato potion.
PROFESSOR SNIPE It is frying.
DALE It's a very hot potion.
PROFESSOR SNIPE Ten points from Snufflepuff.
DALE For the frying, or for the potion?
PROFESSOR SNIPE Yes.
Sound: hourglass gems.
PROFESSOR SNIPE Mister Brumley. Why are you holding the salt?
PHIL Compliance, sir.
PROFESSOR SNIPE Comply somewhere else.
DALE (whispering) Phil. That's fifteen, and it's only November. Snipe always comes through for me.
PHIL (whispering) Turn the cauldron off.
DALE (whispering) Not yet. This batch is going to be his.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: common room.
TILLY Quiet, everybody. Quiet, please. I'm only reading it once, and then it's going in the scrapbook.
Sound: kids shush.
TILLY The wizard newspaper, page one. Larry Spotter, fourteen, has cried six times since breakfast, and says the tears help him concentrate.
A BOY He never said that.
A GIRL Nobody says that. Not even about porridge.
TILLY Page one goes on for a while. Page nine.
DALE Nine. That's my page. Everybody, that's my page.
TILLY Bottom corner. Also drawn from the cup, though nobody can say what for, is the mysterious fifth name. A tragic fry boy, hunched over his oil, with a birthmark in the shape of a Z.
Sound: kids ooh.
DALE Hunched is the oil. You lean in. You have to lean in or the fries don't respect you.
A GIRL Is it a birthmark?
DALE It's laundry marker. I drew it on, backward, on purpose. It's a style.
A BOY It says tragic.
A GIRL Why's it backward?
DALE So it's the right way round in the mirror. A guy should know who he is first thing in the morning.
A BOY It still says tragic.
DALE Tragic sells. Tilly, how many copies have we got?
TILLY Forty. I bought them off a Ravenpaw at cost.
DALE Signed copies, two Pickles. Unsigned, three, because those are rarer.
Sound: coins count.
A GIRL Can you sign it to my mum?
DALE What's her name?
A GIRL Mum.
Sound: pencil scratch.
DALE To Mum. Stay crispy. Signed, the fifth name. I put the Z in backward for you. That's the collector's edition.
Sound: door creak.
Sound: hall cheer.
A BOY Edric! It's Edric! Edric Hickory, everybody!
EDRIC HICKORY Please don't. Please, everyone, sit down. It's just a tournament. Somebody let go of my sleeve.
DALE Edric. Champion. Food and nutrition consultant reporting.
EDRIC HICKORY Dale, thank goodness. A large, extra salt? And could you keep it quiet that I came over? About forty people have touched my shoulder today, and one of them was a ghost.
DALE My consultancy is very discreet.
DALE (shouting) One large, extra salt for the Snufflepuff champion! Very discreetly!
Sound: hall cheer.
Sound: gf cone.
EDRIC HICKORY Thanks. You're in the paper too, aren't you? The birthmark. I'm sorry about that.
DALE It's not a... Thank you, Edric. It's been a hard year for both of us.
EDRIC HICKORY It's November.
DALE And it's already been hard. Imagine March.
Scene: castle corridor.
DALE Sir Pomeroy. Page nine, bottom corner. I'll sign yours for nothing, since you're on the door.
SIR POMEROY Fifth name. Marvelous.
DALE He loves it, Tilly. You can hear it in his voice.
SIR POMEROY You can hear something in it.
DALE Take a memo, Tilly. To the wizard newspaper. Regarding page nine. Tummins Fries thanks you for the coverage. Next time, page eight. Please print the prices. The Z is not tragic. It's doing very well.
TILLY Stapled.
Sound: gf stapler click.
SIR POMEROY She's stapled it to my frame.
DALE Now everybody'll see it on their way in. You're welcome, Sir Pomeroy.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: gf stands building.
A WIZARD Mind your heads! Plank coming down!
Sound: wood crack.
A WIZARD Who put a plank there? Somebody's put a plank right where a plank goes!
DALE Excuse me, sir. Official vendor. Where do you want the fry stand?
A WIZARD Ask the steward.
HOLLIS Tummins.
(A pause.)
HOLLIS Tummins. Behind the plank.
DALE I'm not behind the plank. I'm measuring it. Hollis. Is that a Ministry sash? Because I'm sort of Ministry too now. I've got a scroll. That makes us coworkers, Hollis, and coworkers don't owe each other things.
HOLLIS Thirty-eight.
DALE Fries?
Sound: gf cone.
(A pause.)
Sound: pencil scratch.
DALE What did you write?
HOLLIS Fries, offered.
DALE Offered isn't accepted, Hollis.
HOLLIS No.
DALE I'll keep offering. One day offered and accepted are going to land on the same day, and on that day, we'll both look back and laugh.
HOLLIS I won't.
DALE Stewards eat half price. That's a new policy. I just made it.
HOLLIS I don't eat at work.
DALE Then every regular you don't eat, I'll knock a Nut off the thirty-eight.
HOLLIS No.
A WIZARD Steward! The fry stand. Back row or front row?
HOLLIS Front.
DALE Front row! Hollis, that's the best spot on the pitch. Why would you do that for me?
HOLLIS So I can see it.
DALE Do you ever blow that whistle?
HOLLIS No.
DALE Then what's it for?
HOLLIS People wonder whether I will.
DALE Do they?
HOLLIS You did.
Sound: hammer stake.
A WIZARD Front row it is! Right up against the rail, nothing between you and the enclosure but a bit of air. Lovely view, that.
DALE Thank you. What's going in the enclosure?
A WIZARD Couldn't tell you.
DALE Can't, or won't?
A WIZARD Bit of both. Mind your head.
Sound: wood crack.
Scene: heath night.
Sound: pencil scratch.
HOLLIS Tuesday. The pitch. Stands at half height. Tummins, front row, against the rail. Confirmed.
HOLLIS Thirty-eight. Fries, offered. Regular, not large. He offered a regular.
(A pause.)
HOLLIS He's under contract with a cup now. The cup pays him when the tasks are done. Which puts me first in line after a cup.
HOLLIS I've never been in line behind a cup before.
HOLLIS Four years. A broom, forty Gallons. A feather, credit two. Advice, several times, unrequested. Paid in anything real, so far, nothing.
Sound: pencil scratch.
HOLLIS Hoots in June. Potions, chapter nine, the slow-brewed ones. Nothing in chapter nine owes me anything. It's very restful.
HOLLIS Note. Stewards are told to stand well back from the enclosure. Nobody's said why. Tummins is in the front row. So are my thirty-eight Gallons.
HOLLIS Stewarding. Three tasks. Crowd control. Stand where I can see the fry stand. Don't blow the whistle.
(A pause.)
HOLLIS Note. The fries smelled correct.
(A pause.)
Sound: pencil scratch.
HOLLIS Note withdrawn.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: mountain night.
DALE (whispering) Keep up, Phil. A guy in my line of work needs a shortcut to the pitch. Through these trees, I'm saving ten minutes a delivery. That's an extra forty cones by spring.
PHIL (whispering) Dale, this is the Forbidding Forest. It's called that for a reason.
DALE Everything's called something for a reason. Wendleton's called Wendleton, and I've lived there fourteen years and never once seen a Wendle.
Sound: sneeze.
PHIL Sorry. Something smells like smoke. A lot of smoke.
DALE Then somebody's cooking. Where there's smoke, somebody's hungry.
Sound: creature footsteps.
HAGGARD Mind that root, Madame. It's a big one.
MADAME MAXIMUM I am minding it, Haggard. I have minded six roots. I am becoming an expert in roots.
DALE (whispering) Get down. If Haggard's taking a guest out this late, it's to the good food. We follow the lamp.
PHIL (whispering) That's Madame Maximum. The headmistress from across the sea.
DALE (whispering) I offered her a champion size in October. She said no so nicely, I still think about it.
HAGGARD Just through here. You'll want to see this. Nobody else is to know, mind.
MADAME MAXIMUM Nobody else, Haggard?
HAGGARD Well. Nobody who'd tell.
Sound: gf dragon roar.
Sound: gf dragon chains.
PHIL (scared) Dale.
DALE That's a grill, Phil. Somebody's lighting a grill the size of a barn.
Sound: gf dragon flame.
DALE Hear that? That's a proper flame. You don't get that at home. Nana's stove takes three matches and a talking-to.
PHIL Grills don't roar.
DALE Cheap charcoal does.
PHIL That isn't charcoal. Clause five, Dale. Regardless of dragons.
DALE That's a figure of speech, Phil. I told you. This is a cookout. The first task's a cookout. That's why they needed a caterer. It all makes sense.
PHIL Nothing about this makes sense.
DALE That's why they hired me. Come on. I want to ask the cook what temperature she runs at.
PHIL Dale. No.
Sound: brush crash.
Sound: sneeze.
Scene: gf dragon camp night.
A MAN Third sleeve this week.
A WOMAN She likes you. She only singes the ones she likes.
A MAN Then she loves me.
A WOMAN Did a boy just come up to the fence and ask if we needed catering?
A MAN He asked if the crowd would. He asked how many we're expecting, and whether the cook would want a side.
A WOMAN The cook.
A MAN He thinks it's a barbecue.
A WOMAN Did you tell him?
A MAN I told him she runs at about a thousand degrees at the front and a bit less round the edges. He wrote it down.
A WOMAN Why would you tell him that?
A MAN Nobody's ever asked. Twelve years with her, and nobody's asked me one thing. He asked if she's got a good side.
A WOMAN Has she?
A MAN The left.
Sound: gf dragon chains.
A WOMAN Four of them, and every one of them in a mood. There were only supposed to be three.
A MAN Then the cup coughed up a fourth name.
A WOMAN And a fifth.
A MAN The fifth's not fighting anything. The fifth's the boy at the fence. He's putting us on his list. Two regulars and a champion.
A WOMAN What's a champion?
A MAN Bigger than a large. I didn't ask how.
Sound: gf dragon roar.
A WOMAN She heard you.
A MAN She can have half.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: gf tournament crowd.
Music: gf goblet theme.
RUDY BAGWELL Good morning, good morning, good morning! Rudy Bagwell here, the voice of the Try-Wizard Tournament! Is everybody comfortable? Never mind! Nobody ever is!
DALE Fries! Front-row fries! Closest fries to the action, guaranteed by the steward!
A WOMAN Two regulars, please. Why's the rail so warm?
DALE That's the sun, ma'am. We're very close to it in the front row.
NOBBY (out of breath) Mister Tummins. Nobby has brought twelve more baskets up from the kitchens. Nobby has peeled every potato himself, and two of them looked like Professor Snipe.
DALE Put those two at the back, Nobby. Phil, salt.
Sound: sneeze.
PHIL Sorry. It's the smoke. And there isn't even any smoke yet.
RUDY BAGWELL First into the enclosure, the champion of Beaubonbon, Miss Flora Delaflour!
Sound: coach whistle.
Sound: gf dragon roar.
Sound: crowd gasp.
RUDY BAGWELL She's walking straight up to it! She hasn't drawn her wand! She's pointing at it! Is she telling it off? Ladies and gentlemen, I believe she's telling off a dragon!
A MAN What's she saying?
A WOMAN Something about its manners.
(A pause.)
RUDY BAGWELL It's backing away! It's backing away from Miss Delaflour, and frankly, so am I! She has the egg!
Sound: stadium roar.
DALE Miss Delaflour! Front-row fries, for a champion! A champion size, on the house, if you'll say it's good loudly!
FLORA DELAFLOUR This is the food?
DALE The official food.
FLORA DELAFLOUR No, thank you. I have just shouted at a dragon. I am not hungry. I am victorious.
DALE Victorious. Phil, that's a new size.
A WITCH Rudy. Rudy, your voice is still on.
RUDY BAGWELL Is it? Wonderful!
A WITCH You promised you'd read the safety notice before the first dragon.
RUDY BAGWELL I'll read it after! When it's safer!
A WITCH Rudy, there's a whole page in it about the front row.
RUDY BAGWELL Next, from Dumstrudel, Hektor Crumb!
Sound: coach whistle.
Sound: gf dragon roar.
(A pause.)
RUDY BAGWELL He hasn't moved! The dragon hasn't moved! Nobody's moved! It's a staring contest, ladies and gentlemen, and nobody told me there'd be a staring contest!
(A pause.)
RUDY BAGWELL Somebody's blinked! It's the dragon! He has the egg!
Sound: gf dragon chains.
Sound: stadium roar.
DALE Phil. He didn't say a word to it. That's how you know he's a professional.
Sound: gf peg thump.
PROFESSOR BROODY Tummins. Left sock. Four Pickles and a button.
DALE That's my float, Professor.
PROFESSOR BROODY Stay sharp!
Sound: gf peg thump.
RUDY BAGWELL And now, our own Frogwarts champion, Edric Hickory!
Sound: coach whistle.
Sound: stadium roar.
Sound: gf dragon roar.
RUDY BAGWELL He's running! He's behind a rock! The rock's on fire! He's found another rock! That one's on fire as well! He's running out of rocks!
Sound: gf dragon flame.
Sound: crowd gasp.
RUDY BAGWELL He's got it! Hickory's got the egg, and most of his robes!
Sound: stadium roar.
DALE Phil, three large on standby. He's going to come out of there starving.
RUDY BAGWELL Young man! Six regulars for the judges' box, and don't spare the salt!
DALE Mister Bagwell, sir, quick question. Clause five says regardless of dragons. Does that mean the front row's safe?
RUDY BAGWELL Binding is binding, young man! Keep them coming!
DALE That's not an answer, sir.
RUDY BAGWELL Isn't it? It always works on me!
Sound: gf cone.
DALE Phil. Fresh oil. Whoever's next, the crowd's going to want something to hold.
RUDY BAGWELL And our last champion, the fourth, the youngest! Larry Spotter!
Sound: stadium roar.
Music: sting transition dark.
Scene: gf tournament crowd.
Sound: gf dragon roar.
A MAN Two large. And is that boy going to be all right? He's just standing there.
DALE Two large. He's waiting for something, sir. Everybody at a sporting event's waiting for something. Usually it's me.
RUDY BAGWELL Spotter's raised his wand! Nothing's happened! He's waiting! What's he waiting for?
(A pause.)
Sound: broom whoosh.
Sound: kids ooh.
RUDY BAGWELL A broom! His broom's come all the way down from the castle on its own! He's up! He's flying!
DALE Stay sharp!
A MAN Sorry?
DALE It's a thing a teacher says. You say it loud and quick, and people pay attention.
A MAN I asked for a napkin.
DALE And now you're paying attention to it, sir. That's service.
Sound: broom whoosh.
RUDY BAGWELL He's diving! He's coming round low! The dragon's after him! Mind the front row! Front row, mind yourselves!
PHIL Dale! Get down!
DALE Not now, Phil. I'm doing magic. Crispio.
Sound: gf dragon flame.
Sound: gf fries crackle all.
(A pause.)
LARRY (shouting) Sorry! Sorry about your stand!
Sound: broom whoosh.
Sound: stadium roar.
RUDY BAGWELL He's got it! Spotter's got the egg! Fastest of the day, and the smoke's still clearing!
A GIRL I can't see anything!
A BOY That was him! Through the smoke, on the broom!
RUDY BAGWELL Is the front row all right? Front row, wave if you're all right!
DALE (shouting) We're open!
Sound: sneeze.
DALE Phil. It worked. Crispio. I've been saying it since the summer, and it finally worked. It just needed a run-up.
PHIL (out of breath) Dale, that was a dragon.
DALE That was me, with a bit of help from a dragon. Every fry in the stand, perfect, in one breath. Taste that.
Sound: gf cone.
PHIL It's perfect.
DALE Don't sound so surprised.
NOBBY (excited) Mister Tummins! Nobby has peeled for twelve years and never seen fries like it. Nobby would like to meet the dragon.
DALE She doesn't take meetings, Nobby. She's very busy. She's doing the whole front row today.
PHIL Dale. Your eyebrows.
DALE What about them?
PHIL Where are they?
(A pause.)
DALE Clause six. I told you it was standard. And he said sorry, Phil. Personally, from a broom. That's going in the memo.
DALE (shouting) Dragon Fries! Cooked by a real dragon in one breath! No waiting! Double price!
A WOMAN Double?
DALE The dragon isn't cheap, ma'am. She's very good. She's got a good side.
AN OLD MAN Four Dragon Fries.
A GIRL Six!
A MAN Is that the boy with no eyebrows? I'll have whatever he's having.
PHIL Dale, we're charging double for the same fries.
DALE They're not the same fries, Phil. These have met a dragon.
Sound: coins count.
Sound: register.
Scene: hospital wing day.
MADAM COMFREY Hold still, Mister Tummins. What happened?
DALE Eyebrows, both. A bit of the fringe. The left side of the menu. My float's fine.
MADAM COMFREY They'll be back by spring.
DALE Spring's a busy time for me.
MADAM COMFREY Is it.
DALE Every time's a busy time for me, Madam Comfrey. Spring's just the one with eyebrows in it. Will they come back crispy?
MADAM COMFREY They'll come back eyebrows.
Sound: sneeze.
MADAM COMFREY Mister Brumley, why are you sneezing?
PHIL Him. He smells like dragon.
DALE That's the brand, Phil. From today, I'd like to be known as Dragon Fry Dale.
MADAM COMFREY I'll put it on your chart.
Sound: pencil scratch.
DALE What did you write?
MADAM COMFREY Eyebrows, none. Ego, swollen. Next.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: castle lawn.
HEADMASTER CORKAROFF A tie. A tie for first. A boy of fourteen on a broomstick, and he ties with my Crumb.
MADAME MAXIMUM Your Crumb stared at a dragon, Headmaster. The boy flew around one. And my Flora gave hers a lecture it will remember all its life.
HEADMASTER CORKAROFF A lecture is not magic, Madame.
MADAME MAXIMUM You have never been to Beaubonbon.
HEADMASTER CORKAROFF The scoring was unfair. It is always unfair, here. Even the grass is unfair.
MADAME MAXIMUM Shall we see whether the little vendor has anything left? I am told there are Dragon Fries.
HEADMASTER CORKAROFF I do not eat from stalls.
MADAME MAXIMUM Then you may watch me.
Scene: gf tournament crowd.
Sound: gf cone.
A BOY Did you hear? Lon Measley's talking to him again.
A GIRL Since when?
A BOY Since the dragon. He walked straight up to him after, said something, and that was that.
A GIRL That's all it took?
A BOY That's all it ever takes.
Sound: footsteps stone.
EDRIC HICKORY Dale! Are you still frying? Is it still Dragon Fries?
DALE Edric. For you, it's always Dragon Fries. Same price as always. Double.
EDRIC HICKORY A large, extra salt, please. I could eat the dragon.
Sound: gf cone.
EDRIC HICKORY What happened to your face?
DALE Professional hazard. What happened to yours?
EDRIC HICKORY Dragon.
DALE Same. We're in the same line of work, Edric. We stand in front of something hot and we don't complain.
EDRIC HICKORY I complained quite a lot, actually. Oh, and you should hear my egg. The golden one. It screams when you open it. I tried it in the tent, and three people dropped their tea.
DALE Edric, that's not a clue. That's an alarm clock. Every dorm in this castle needs one. Think about the mornings.
EDRIC HICKORY It's meant to be a clue.
DALE Clues are free. Alarm clocks are a product. I'll put your face on the box.
EDRIC HICKORY I'll think about it.
DALE Think all you like. I'm ordering the boxes.
EDRIC HICKORY Please don't order boxes, Dale. Thanks for the fries. They're the best thing that's happened to me all day, and I got an egg.
Scene: common room.
DALE So the dragon comes for the stand, and I don't move. I hold my ground, I say the word, and I fry every cone we've got in one breath. Then I calmly turn around and sell them all at double.
PHIL That's not how I remember it.
DALE How do you remember it?
PHIL You were facing the fryer. You said Crispio to it, the dragon did the rest, and then you asked me where your eyebrows went.
DALE Same story, Phil. You've just got it in a different order.
PHIL And Larry Spotter said sorry to you from a broom.
DALE Put that part first. Phil, take a letter. Dear Nana. Business is good. Very hot. Don't worry about my face.
PHIL She will now.
DALE Then add, the fries were perfect.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: common room.
A GIRL Open it, Edric!
A BOY Open it! Open it!
EDRIC HICKORY I'm warning you all, it isn't nice. I opened it in the shower room on Tuesday and two of the taps turned themselves off.
DALE Edric. Hang on. Food and nutrition consultant. Before anybody opens anything, I need every hand in this room holding a cone. A shock on an empty stomach is a medical issue.
PHIL That isn't a medical issue.
DALE Phil's head of compliance. He'd know. Cones up, everybody. Two Pickles, exact change, it's a big moment.
Sound: gf cone.
Sound: coins count.
EDRIC HICKORY Ready?
A GIRL Ready!
Sound: gf egg scream.
Sound: kids scream.
(A pause.)
EDRIC HICKORY Sorry. Sorry, everybody. It does that.
A GIRL My ears are humming.
A BOY Somebody's fries went in the fire.
DALE That's fine. Those were regulars. Edric, how long does it go on if nobody shuts it?
EDRIC HICKORY I don't know. I've never been brave enough to find out.
Sound: sneeze.
PHIL Sorry. I think I'm allergic to it.
DALE You can't be allergic to a noise, Phil.
PHIL My nose doesn't know that.
DALE Edric, I've done the numbers. Four houses. Every one of them has a dormitory full of people who sleep through breakfast. You open that thing at seven, and four hundred kids are up, angry and hungry by five past. And which stand is on the way to the Great Hall?
EDRIC HICKORY Yours.
DALE Mine. Ten Pickles a morning, for the egg, and I'll throw in a large every Sunday.
PHIL Dale, it's his clue. For the second task.
DALE It's a clue and an alarm clock. That's two products. Most eggs only manage one, and that's breakfast.
EDRIC HICKORY If I give you the egg, I haven't got a clue.
DALE Then you'll be in the same boat as the rest of us. It's a nice boat. I'm on it.
Scene: castle corridor.
Sound: footsteps stone.
A BOY You've got the face on, Edric.
EDRIC HICKORY What face?
A BOY The fair face. You get it right before you give somebody your last Chocolate Toad.
EDRIC HICKORY Spotter came up to me before the first task, Simon. In front of everybody, with half the school calling him a cheat. And he told me about the dragons.
A BOY And you got your egg because of it.
EDRIC HICKORY So I owe him. He told me about the dragons. It's only fair.
A BOY You don't even know what the egg means yet.
EDRIC HICKORY I've got an idea. Last night it slipped out of my hands, into the bath. And it didn't scream. It did something else.
A BOY What?
EDRIC HICKORY I'm not sure. Something nice. I'm going to tell him to take a bath with it.
A BOY You're going to walk up to the Gruffindoor tower and tell Larry Spotter to take a bath, Edric.
EDRIC HICKORY When you say it like that, it sounds rude.
A BOY It's going to sound rude when you say it like that, too.
Scene: gf fryer bed.
EDRIC HICKORY Tummins. Are you still open?
DALE Tummins Fries never closes. It just gets quieter.
EDRIC HICKORY Large, extra salt. For the road.
Sound: gf fryer.
DALE Leave the egg with me while you go. It'll be safe here.
EDRIC HICKORY You'd open it at seven.
DALE Seven fifteen. I'm not an animal.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: lecture hall.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE And on Christmas night, the Winter Ball. Fourth-years and above. Dress robes. And by tradition, the champions will open the dancing, each with a partner.
Sound: crowd murmur.
A BOY Dancing? In front of people?
A GIRL Professor, I've only ever danced at my nan's birthday, and that was mostly holding a chair.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE There will be lessons, Miss Hale.
Sound: kids groan.
A BOY Do we have to have a partner?
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE You will want somebody to stand opposite, Mister Pike. Otherwise you'll be dancing with a wall, and a wall does not lead.
DALE Professor. A question about the food.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE There is always a question about the food.
DALE Is the Ball an official tournament event?
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE It is.
Sound: letter unfold.
DALE Clause four. The Vendor shall also serve at every official tournament event. Every, Professor. It doesn't say most.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE I was afraid it said that.
DALE I'm afraid too. I'm obliged to feed your Ball. Christmas is my busy season.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Mister Tummins, you have never had a busy season.
DALE Then this'll be the first one, and you were there when it started.
PHIL (whispering) Dale, she's going to give you lines.
DALE She can give me all the lines she likes, Phil, as long as they're queuing. Now, I can't fry and serve and talk at the same time.
PHIL You can talk while you do anything.
DALE That's why I need you. Phil, you're my partner for the Ball.
PHIL For the dancing?
DALE For the punch. Business partner. You ladle, I talk. We split everything down the middle, except the money, which stays in the box.
PHIL That isn't down the middle.
DALE It's the middle of the box.
Scene: common room.
DALE Take a memo, Tilly.
TILLY Ready, Mister Tummins.
DALE To Nobby, head of potatoes. About the Winter Ball. Christmas is a time of joy, so this year we're going round.
TILLY Round fries, Mister Tummins?
DALE Long fries are for every day. A Ball is a circle. People dance in a circle, the plates are round, the clock in the hall is round. It all ties together. Four hundred potatoes. And a champion size for every champion, on the house, in front of everybody.
TILLY On the house costs money, Mister Tummins.
DALE Then on the house, two Pickles. End of memo.
Scene: kitchen busy.
TILLY So that's four hundred potatoes for Christmas night. And he'd like them round.
NOBBY Nobby can do four hundred, miss. Nobby cannot do round.
TILLY He was very firm about round.
NOBBY Potatoes are round already, miss. It is the fries that are long. If Mister Tummins wants round, I will send him potatoes, and he may sell them as they are.
TILLY I'll put long.
NOBBY Thank you. And Christmas night is double time.
TILLY Mister Tummins hasn't agreed to double time.
NOBBY Mister Tummins agrees to everything, miss, if you wait a little. I have noticed.
TILLY So have I. Double time. Stapled.
Sound: gf stapler click.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: lost found closet.
MR. DIBBS A waiter's outfit. Kid, this is a lost-and-found. Nobody loses a waiter.
DALE They lose everything else, Mister Dibbs. Somewhere back there is a jacket a waiter took off one hot night and never came back for. I'd like to give it a second career.
MR. DIBBS I've got two weeks left, kid. Two weeks, and you want me in the back.
DALE I'll make it worth your while. A large on the night, and your name on a napkin.
MR. DIBBS Keep the napkin.
Sound: trunk lid.
Sound: sneeze.
PHIL Sorry. It's the dust. And whatever the dust is sitting on.
MR. DIBBS Here. Dress robes. They're about your size, if you don't grow.
DALE I'll stop. Whose are they?
MR. DIBBS Lost.
DALE When?
MR. DIBBS A while back.
DALE What year?
MR. DIBBS I'm not saying the year, kid.
DALE That's fine. I respect a man who keeps his records private.
PHIL Dale, you can't serve punch in ruffles. They'll go in the punch.
DALE A waiter in ruffles gets tipped, Phil. It shows he's been somewhere.
MR. DIBBS They've been somewhere. They've been in that box.
Sound: coat shrug.
Sound: bat flutter.
DALE Something flew out of my sleeve.
MR. DIBBS That's the moth. He comes with them.
DALE Does he want paying?
MR. DIBBS He's never asked.
DALE Then he's staff. Mister Dibbs, how do I look?
MR. DIBBS Like a fella who found something in a box.
DALE That's what I was going for. What do I owe you?
MR. DIBBS Nothing, kid. They're lost. You can't sell a lost thing.
DALE You can rent one. I'll bring them back with a fry smell in them. That's a free upgrade. People pay for that at home. Nana's got a man who brings his coat in on Saturdays just to hang it by the fryer.
MR. DIBBS Kid.
DALE I'm only saying there's a market. Now, here's my real concern. The Ball's the biggest night of the year. Fifty years from now, when people talk about it, I want them to say Tummins Fries. So I'm thinking my name, across the back of these, in gold thread. Who in this castle does gold thread?
(A pause.)
MR. DIBBS Kid, nobody ever remembers who made the food. They just remember they weren't hungry.
(A pause.)
DALE So it's a branding problem.
MR. DIBBS That's not what I said.
DALE If they don't remember who made the food, the food isn't saying my name loud enough. Bigger letters on the cones. Phil, write that down.
Sound: pencil scratch.
PHIL I'm writing it down.
DALE The bigger letters part.
PHIL I wrote down his part.
DALE That's fine. Put mine underneath, in bigger letters.
MR. DIBBS Bring the robes back when you're done with them.
DALE When's that?
MR. DIBBS They'll tell you.
DALE Phil, I'm going to find a mirror. A tall one. Keep an eye on the moth.
Sound: footsteps stone.
PHIL Mister Dibbs. Who lost them?
(A pause.)
MR. DIBBS A fella who never went, kid. Go on. He's waiting for you.
Sound: bat flutter.
MR. DIBBS You too. Go with him, then.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: great hall.
Music: gf odd sisters.
DALE Christmas fries! The official fry of the Winter Ball! Long, because round didn't work out!
A BOY Two smalls, please.
DALE Two smalls. Mind my ruffles, sir. They go in things.
Sound: gf cone.
Sound: gf punch ladle.
PHIL Dale, can you salt somewhere else? It's going in the punch.
DALE Salty punch is a whole new flavor, Phil. Charge a Nut extra.
Sound: hall hush.
A GIRL The champions! The champions are coming in!
Sound: crowd gasp.
A GIRL Is that Harmony Grainger?
A BOY With Hektor Crumb. The actual Hektor Crumb.
A GIRL How did she manage that?
DALE Phil. She's signed him. I've been after Crumb since his ship came out of the lake, and Harmony Grainger walks in with him like she owns the contract.
PHIL Dale, she isn't his agent.
DALE Everything's a contract, Phil. Ask Larry Spotter. Harmony! Over here! A partnership! Tummins Fries and Grainger, with Mister Crumb on every cone!
HARMONY No.
(A pause.)
DALE That's eleven, Phil, and on the move. She's got so much business now she can't stop to say no properly.
Sound: footsteps stone.
DALE Mister Crumb! Spokesman! You'd only have to say one word. You've already got the word.
Sound: munch.
HEKTOR CRUMB Salt.
DALE Salt. That's a slogan, Phil. Tummins Fries. Salt. Signed, Hektor Crumb.
Sound: footsteps stone.
DALE Miss Delaflour! The champion size, for the champion from across the sea!
FLORA DELAFLOUR Is there anything in this castle that is not fried?
DALE The punch. Give it time.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Champions, if you please. To the floor.
DALE Phil, I can't see a thing over this punch bowl. Is Larry Spotter dancing?
PHIL He's dancing.
DALE How's he doing?
PHIL He's stepped on her foot. He's said sorry. Now he's stepped on the other one, to be fair to both.
LARRY Sorry. Sorry.
DALE Is he looking at the fries?
PHIL He's looking at his shoes.
DALE That's a hungry man who doesn't know it yet. Keep a small warm for him. Spotter always pays.
MADAME MAXIMUM Good evening. Young man, might I trouble you for a small?
DALE Madame Maximum. It's no trouble. A small for the headmistress, on the house!
BUMBLEMORE How very generous. One point to Snufflepuff, Mister Tummins, for feeding our guest.
DALE Thank you, Headmaster. That's two Pickles, madam.
Sound: coins count.
MADAME MAXIMUM But of course.
BUMBLEMORE Ah. And one point from Snufflepuff.
DALE Sir, I'd only had it a second.
BUMBLEMORE You did say on the house.
DALE That's the name of the size, sir. It's our Christmas size.
MADAME MAXIMUM They are excellent, Albert. Worth every Pickle. And very nearly the point.
DALE (whispering) Phil. A headmistress said excellent. Put it on the cones.
PHIL Which part? The excellent or the point?
DALE Just the excellent. Nobody reads the point.
(A pause.)
PROFESSOR SPOUT Professor Flickwit, you've got salt all down your front.
PROFESSOR FLICKWIT Four cones, Professor Spout. I came here to dance.
PROFESSOR SPOUT That boy asked me in October whether I grew any potatoes that were magic. I said no. So he asked if I had any that were tired.
PROFESSOR FLICKWIT Tired?
PROFESSOR SPOUT He said a tired potato fries quicker.
PROFESSOR FLICKWIT Does it?
PROFESSOR SPOUT I've been trying it in the greenhouse all week. It does, a bit.
PROFESSOR FLICKWIT Don't tell him.
PROFESSOR SPOUT I wasn't going to. He'd want a share. Did he really charge Madame Maximum?
PROFESSOR FLICKWIT He did.
PROFESSOR SPOUT And she paid?
PROFESSOR FLICKWIT She tipped.
PROFESSOR SPOUT Then it's the best-run thing in this castle. Don't tell Albert.
PROFESSOR FLICKWIT Albert had two. Another small, I think.
Sound: gf cone.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: gf kitchen night.
Sound: pot lid bonk.
NOBBY That is the last pot, sir. Four hundred potatoes, and not one of them came back.
DALE We sold out at eleven, Nobby. At a quarter past I sold a fifth-year the paper.
NOBBY Did he eat it?
DALE He tried. I respect a customer who tries. Now, before I go up to bed. The terms. One Gallon a week, a hat, and Thursdays off.
NOBBY Miss Grubb pays the Gallon, sir. Every Friday, with a little note.
DALE And you've been taking the Thursdays. Which leaves the hat. I've owed you a hat since November, and a Tummins always pays, eventually. Close your eyes.
NOBBY Mister Tummins does not have to.
DALE Eyes, Nobby.
Sound: gf cone.
DALE Champion size. We've never sold one. Nobody's been champion enough. I folded the top so it sits.
(A pause.)
NOBBY A hat. Nobby's own hat.
DALE It's a cone, technically. But you wear it on your head, so legally it's a hat.
NOBBY It has the name on, sir. In letters.
DALE Big letters. That's new. It's a branding thing.
NOBBY (proud) I will wear it to work. And I will wear it on Thursdays, when I am not at work, so that everybody knows where I work even when I am not there.
DALE That's good marketing, Nobby.
NOBBY I know, sir.
Sound: hat on.
NOBBY Before, sir, every day was the same day. I did not know the names of them. Now I have a Thursday. On Thursdays I sit on the steps in the sun and do nothing at all, and nobody minds.
DALE In my line of work that's called consulting.
NOBBY And I keep this in my apron. For good occasions.
Sound: mat rustle.
(A pause.)
DALE Gray-green's still in style, Nobby. I'd know. I wore that style for most of a year.
NOBBY The hole is still in the heel, sir. I have not mended it. It is how I knew it was mine.
DALE Night, Nobby. Lock up.
Sound: footsteps stone.
(A pause.)
Sound: door creak.
BUMBLEMORE Oh. Hello, Nobby. I was rather hoping somebody had left a pudding out.
NOBBY Headmaster, sir. There is rice pudding, sir, and there is one fry.
BUMBLEMORE The pudding, I think. Leave the fry. It looks as if it's had a long night. That's a very fine hat.
NOBBY It is a uniform, sir. I am staff.
BUMBLEMORE So you are. And is he a good employer, your Mister Tummins?
NOBBY He is a terrible negotiator, sir.
(A pause.)
NOBBY I like him very much.
BUMBLEMORE Yes. I find that's very often the way.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: dorm night.
Sound: gift unwrap.
PHIL (sleepy) Dale. It's six o'clock. It's still dark.
DALE The box doesn't know that, Phil. Nana packs it in the daytime. Pick a sock.
PHIL What?
DALE Pick a sock. Any sock. Twelve to choose from. That's your present.
PHIL Which one is mine?
DALE The one you pick. That's the gift. Choice.
PHIL The blue one, then.
DALE Not the blue one. Pick again.
PHIL The brown one.
DALE Good choice. Merry Christmas. And this is the laundry vinegar. Have a smell.
Sound: sneeze.
PHIL I'd rather not have had that.
DALE Tummins Christmas Vinegar. It's the same vinegar, but in December. And four nap sandwiches, pressed flat with the iron.
PHIL Don't eat one. It's six in the morning.
DALE Nobody eats a nap sandwich at six in the morning, Phil. That's for experts. Now, the letter.
Sound: letter unfold.
DALE Dale, honey. Merry Christmas. Here's your box. The fryer is doing fine without you. I sell the cones by the change machine. A man asked for vinegar, so I gave him the laundry vinegar, and he said it was the best he's ever had. I didn't tell him what it's for. I don't know what it's for. Dryer six is making the noise again. Don't eat the sandwiches before bed, eat them in bed. That's nice, honey. Love, Nana.
PHIL She signed it that's nice, honey?
DALE She puts it at the end of everything now. She put it on the gas bill. The gas people wrote back.
Scene: common room.
Sound: owl swoop.
TILLY Merry Christmas, Mister Tummins. An owl came for you, from Hollis Brandt. Shall I read it?
DALE Is it a card?
TILLY It's itemized.
Sound: letter unfold.
TILLY Tummins. Balance, thirty-eight Gallons. Fries, offered, one. Value, none. Christmas interest, one Gallon. Seasonal surcharge, one Gallon. Both waived, it's Christmas. Balance, thirty-eight Gallons. Hollis Brandt.
DALE He waived something, Tilly. Hollis Brandt waived. Two things.
TILLY He added them and waived them on the same line, Mister Tummins.
DALE That's what makes it a present. He sat down on Christmas Eve and thought up two whole charges, just so he could give them to me. You don't do that for a stranger.
PHIL Dale, it's still thirty-eight.
DALE It's thirty-eight with feelings.
TILLY I'll file it under correspondence.
Sound: gf stapler click.
TILLY Stapled.
DALE This calls for a celebration. Phil, pass me a sandwich.
PHIL Dale, it's eight in the morning.
DALE Just the corner. Quality control. A guy in my position has to know what he's selling.
Sound: munch.
(A pause.)
Sound: snore.
(A pause.)
TILLY I'll put him down for lunch, then.
PHIL Put him down for tea.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: gf broody office.
Sound: gf flask swig.
PROFESSOR BROODY Christmas holidays, Tummins. Half the castle's gone home, and you're frying in a corridor.
DALE It was a shortcut, Professor. The corridor was between me and the customer.
PROFESSOR BROODY One hour. No frying, no selling. Hands flat on the desk, where my eye can see them.
Sound: gf broody eye.
PROFESSOR BROODY And the salt in your left sock.
DALE That's for emergencies.
PROFESSOR BROODY What sort of emergency needs salt?
DALE The sort with fries in it, sir.
Sound: gf trunk knock.
(A pause.)
DALE Professor, I think your trunk wants something.
PROFESSOR BROODY Quiet.
DALE I didn't say anything else.
PROFESSOR BROODY Not you.
DALE Professor, can that eye see through a trunk?
PROFESSOR BROODY It sees what it likes.
DALE Then it knows what's in there.
PROFESSOR BROODY It does. Hands on the desk.
Sound: gf flask swig.
DALE Sir, I don't want to tell a man his business. But whatever's in that flask smells like a puddle with a grudge.
PROFESSOR BROODY Medicine.
DALE On the hour, every hour? Nana's got medicine like that. It's mostly for her knees. I could get you real pulp juice. Orange, with bits. Two Pickles a glass, and you'd never have to smell that flask again.
PROFESSOR BROODY I don't want bits.
DALE Everybody wants bits, sir. They just don't know it yet.
Sound: explosion small.
PROFESSOR BROODY (shouting) Stay sharp!
(A pause.)
DALE I'm sharp. I'm very sharp. What was that?
PROFESSOR BROODY Lesson. Sit. Don't touch anything. I'll be back.
Sound: gf peg thump.
Sound: door slam.
(A pause.)
DALE (whispering) Okay. It's just us now. Knock once if you're a cat.
Sound: gf trunk knock.
DALE Three. Is that three yeses, or are you three cats?
(A pause.)
DALE Lightning? Is that you, pal? He's been gone since the potato sack. He's never knocked before, but he's never been in a trunk before. A snail can pick things up.
Sound: gf trunk knock.
DALE Between us, I don't think he's well. He takes medicine every hour, and he tells the furniture to be quiet. In food service you get to know the regulars, and he's a regular who never orders.
Sound: gf trunk knock.
DALE Whoever you are, you sound hungry. I know hungry. One fry, through the keyhole. On the house. Pay me when you get out.
Sound: munch.
DALE That's a big chew for a cat.
Scene: castle corridor.
Sound: gf peg thump.
PROFESSOR SNIPE Broody.
PROFESSOR BROODY Snipe.
PROFESSOR SNIPE Somebody has been in my stores again.
PROFESSOR BROODY Has somebody.
PROFESSOR SNIPE Somebody who walks like a falling chair. One hears it on the dungeon stairs at night.
PROFESSOR BROODY Plenty of people use stairs.
PROFESSOR SNIPE Not like that.
Sound: gf broody eye.
PROFESSOR BROODY I can see your pockets from here, Snipe. Left one's empty. Right one's got a list.
PROFESSOR SNIPE Then you will know exactly what's missing from it.
PROFESSOR SNIPE The headmaster trusts you.
PROFESSOR BROODY The headmaster trusts everybody. That's why he's got me. I check everything. You should be glad of it.
PROFESSOR SNIPE I am very rarely glad, Professor. Your trunk is knocking.
Sound: gf trunk knock.
PROFESSOR BROODY Old trunk. The damp gets in.
PROFESSOR SNIPE Mm.
Scene: gf broody office.
Sound: gf peg thump.
PROFESSOR BROODY Time's up, Tummins. Out.
DALE Professor, before I go. Your trunk owes me for a fry.
PROFESSOR BROODY Out.
DALE I'll put it on the trunk's tab.
Music: sting transition dark.
Scene: lecture hall.
Sound: magic poof.
DALE (whispering) Champion's Bath Salts. One Pickle a jar. Pass it along, keep it under the desk.
A BOY What's in it?
DALE Champion stuff. I can't say more. Edric Hickory told somebody in a corridor to take a bath with his egg. Those were his exact words. I was behind a suit of armor at the time, eating. If the champions are taking baths, the public's going to want baths. I'm ahead of it.
PHIL Dale, it's your Nana's laundry soap in a jam jar.
DALE It's from a laundromat, Phil. There's no more famous soap than that.
A GIRL Does it get egg off?
DALE It gets anything off. It gets socks off.
A GIRL Is it really what the champions use?
DALE Edric Hickory's using it tonight. Or he will be, once I find him.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Mister Tummins. Kettle to hedgehog. Today, if you would.
DALE Yes, Professor. Working on it.
Sound: wand bonk.
A BOY Ow.
Scene: gf bath corridor.
DALE Prefect delivery. Fifth floor, the door by the statue with the mop. Two jars, paid up front, which is how you know it's a prefect.
PHIL Dale, I don't think a prefect's in there. Somebody's having a bath.
DALE That's the customer having the bath. That's what the salts are for. You don't sell an umbrella to a man in the sunshine.
Sound: door knock.
Sound: splash small.
Music: gf merpeople song.
MOPING MILDRED (laughing) Go on. Duck down. Ears and all!
(A pause.)
LARRY (muffled) Oh. Oh, it's singing.
PHIL (whispering) Dale. The egg.
DALE It's a radio, Phil. In the air it's in between stations, and that's the screaming. Underwater it finds one. That's the egg's real business. Every champion's been holding theirs the wrong way up all year.
PHIL I think it's a clue.
DALE Everything's a clue to you. A radio that only works in the bath. Phil, people would pay to have music in the bath. I'd pay, and I don't even like baths.
Sound: door knock.
DALE Delivery! Champion's Bath Salts! For the singing!
LARRY Who's that?
DALE It's me!
LARRY Who?
DALE Z! From the fry stand! You've said it twice!
LARRY (muffled) Sorry. I've got my ears under.
DALE (whispering) He's in the bath. He's not himself.
Sound: footsteps stone.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Mister Tummins. Mister Brumley. Outside the prefects' bathroom, after dark, with jars.
DALE Delivery, Professor.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Fifteen points from Snufflepuff. For selling bath salts in my classroom this morning.
DALE You saw that?
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE I teach Transfiguration, Mister Tummins. I notice when a desk turns into a shop. I was waiting to see where it went.
DALE Can I interest you in a jar, Professor? It'd go toward the fifteen.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE That is laundry soap.
DALE It's very famous laundry soap.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Bed. Both of you.
Sound: footsteps away.
(A pause.)
LARRY Who was that?
MOPING MILDRED Nobody, Larry. Some boy with jars.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: lake night.
RUDY BAGWELL Right! The second task! The lake! What do we put at the bottom of it?
A WITCH We agreed this in November, Rudy. Something each champion would miss.
RUDY BAGWELL Brilliant! Their brooms!
A WITCH People, Rudy. One person each. Asleep, perfectly comfortable, perfectly safe. Tied to a post with a ribbon, so nobody drifts off.
RUDY BAGWELL Ribbon! Lovely! What color?
A WITCH Are you listening?
RUDY BAGWELL Never stopped! And the champions get an hour to fetch them up!
A WITCH And if they don't manage it?
RUDY BAGWELL Then the merpeople bring them up after, nobody's any the worse, and everybody's had a lovely nap!
A WITCH (sighing) We're putting schoolchildren at the bottom of a lake, Rudy, because a cup said so.
RUDY BAGWELL Asleep, though, Mavis! Very comfortable! You worry too much. And who's feeding the stands?
A WITCH You tell me.
RUDY BAGWELL The fry boy! It's in his contract! I've read it! Well, I've held it.
A WITCH On a lake.
RUDY BAGWELL On a lake! Brilliant!
Scene: great hall.
Sound: hall hush.
RUDY BAGWELL Champions! In one week's time you'll have one hour, at the bottom of that lake, to bring back what you'll miss the most! And the stands will be fed, hot, on the water, by Tummins Fries!
Sound: polite clap.
A GIRL What will they miss most?
A BOY My brother says it's their wands.
DALE Phil. He said my name in the Great Hall, after the champions, on the same breath. And I've got nothing that floats.
Scene: hut winter night.
Sound: dog bark.
HAGGARD Down, Tooth. A boat? What do you want with a boat in February?
DALE Mister Haggard, I've got to serve hot food on a lake. I need a boat that's fast, steady, and doesn't ask questions.
HAGGARD They're the first-years' boats. They don't go fast, and they don't ask anything.
DALE Is one of them the boat I came over in, first year?
HAGGARD They're all the boat you came over in.
DALE Then I'll take the steadiest. What's your rate?
HAGGARD No rate. Just bring it back.
DALE A business doesn't take charity, Mister Haggard. A large at every task, and I'll name a size after Tooth.
HAGGARD Go on, then. And don't stand up in it.
DALE What's your policy on holes we find?
HAGGARD Tell me about them before you get in.
Scene: common room.
PHIL Dale. If you were a champion, who would they tie at the bottom of the lake for you?
DALE Not who, Phil. What. The cash box. It's got eleven Pickles in it, and three of them are mine.
TILLY Four, Mister Tummins. I've done the books.
DALE Four. I'd go down for four.
PHIL I'd rescue you.
(A pause.)
DALE That's sweet, Phil. Write it down.
TILLY I've written it down.
Sound: gf stapler click.
TILLY Stapled.
PHIL I understand.
DALE Good. Because you're rowing.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: gf lake task.
DALE (shouting) Hot fries! Tummins Fries, the only hot thing on this lake! Throw your money down, and I'll throw a cone up!
Sound: paddle strokes.
PHIL Dale, the stands are twenty feet up. You can't throw a cone that far, and I can't row and catch money at the same time.
DALE Then they'll lean. Leaning's free. Row us over to the Ravenpaws, Phil. They're always hungriest after thinking.
Sound: coin single.
Sound: splash small.
DALE That's still a sale. It's just a sale the squid's holding for me.
HOLLIS Tummins. You're in the steward lane.
DALE Hollis. Every cone today is a Pickle off the thirty-eight. You should be cheering me on.
HOLLIS Move your boat.
Sound: pencil scratch.
DALE What did you write?
HOLLIS Boat.
Sound: horn fanfare.
RUDY BAGWELL Champions, into the water! One hour! Starting now!
Sound: splash big.
Sound: stadium roar.
A BOY They're gone! All four of them, straight down!
DALE That's a whole hour with no champions to watch, Phil. They'll be bored stiff up there. That's when people eat.
A GIRL Fry boy! One large! Can you reach?
DALE Phil, hold my belt.
PHIL I'm rowing.
DALE Then hold it with your feet. Nearly. Nearly. Miss, lean a bit more, you're nearly a customer.
PHIL Dale, you're leaning too far.
DALE I know lakes, Phil. I've thought about them a lot.
Sound: rope creak.
DALE (proud) Lakes are deeper than they look!
Sound: splash big.
A WOMAN Somebody's fallen in!
A BOY It's the fry boy!
A GIRL Is that part of it?
Scene: lake underwater.
Sound: bubbles sink.
Music: gf merpeople song.
DALE (muffled) Okay. Don't panic, Dale. You've been in a lake before. Not this far in, but in.
Sound: gf bubble talk.
DALE (muffled) Somebody's set up a nap room down here. Posts, ribbons, everything. Red hair, tied on, fast asleep. A Measley sleeps where he likes. And bushy hair next to him. Harmony Grainger, asleep at work. Four years she's been too busy for a meeting, and here she is, napping. I respect it. That's a long lunch.
Sound: gf bubble talk.
Scene: gf lake task.
A PREFECT Brandt. That's the fry boy gone under. He's not come up.
HOLLIS Give him a minute.
A PREFECT Shouldn't we do something? We're the stewards.
HOLLIS He owes me thirty-eight Gallons, Pembry. In four years he's never once gone anywhere I couldn't find him.
Sound: pencil scratch.
HOLLIS Tummins. Under.
A PREFECT You're writing it down?
HOLLIS I write everything down. I've got my Hoots in June. It keeps my hand in.
A PREFECT You look tired.
HOLLIS I'm always tired. Watch the bubbles.
Scene: lake underwater.
Sound: gf bubble talk.
DALE (muffled) Ma'am? Ma'am, that's my shoelace. It's a lace, not a fry.
(A pause.)
DALE (muffled) Up. Which way's up? Up's wherever the money is.
Sound: tentacle rise.
DALE (muffled) Hey, pal. I knew you worked for me. There's a raise in this for you.
Scene: gf lake task.
Sound: water cough.
PHIL I've got you! I've got your collar! Dale, let go of the squid!
DALE Tell him thanks. Tell him he's on salary.
Sound: tentacle sink.
Sound: pencil scratch.
HOLLIS Tummins. Up.
DALE I'm fine, Phil. I've got lake weed in both ears, and a mermaid bit my shoelace, but I kept the cash box dry the whole time.
PHIL You didn't have the cash box. It's in the boat.
DALE Then I kept it dry by not taking it. That's planning. Phil, you rescued me.
PHIL I said I would.
DALE And Tilly stapled it, so it's on file. Hand me a dry cone. I want to sell the next one sitting down.
(A pause.)
Sound: lib surface.
Sound: stadium roar.
RUDY BAGWELL And it's Larry Spotter! Last up, and he's brought back two! He waited for every single one! The judges love that!
DALE Phil, the last one up gets the biggest cheer. I've been doing it wrong. I should've stayed down longer.
Sound: sneeze.
PHIL I'm allergic to lake.
DALE From now on it's Dale of the Deep. Dale of the Deep doesn't get allergic. He gets weed in his ears, and he doesn't complain. Hollis! Put it in the book! Dale of the Deep!
Sound: pencil scratch.
HOLLIS Tummins. Wet.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: common room.
DALE From the top, Tilly. Loud, so the back row can hear. The house deserves to know where its points went.
TILLY Yes, Mister Tummins. The Tummins column. September. Minus five, Professor Broody, concealed fries.
DALE He found them through two layers of robe. You don't get mad at a man like that. You learn from him.
TILLY November. Minus ten, Professor Snipe, frying in the dungeon.
DALE Coldest room in the castle. I was providing heat.
TILLY Minus eight, Professor Snipe, breathing in a way he found greasy.
DALE I've breathed like that my whole life. Nobody at the Sudsy Duck ever said a word.
TILLY Minus one, Professor Snipe, for asking if eight was his final offer.
DALE It was. You have to respect a man who knows his number.
TILLY Minus six, Professor Spout, planting a potato in her greenhouse.
DALE For next year. That's called a supply chain.
TILLY Minus three, Madam Pooch, frying on a broom.
DALE My broom only goes backward, so legally I was frying somewhere I'd already been.
TILLY December. Plus one, for feeding Madame Maximum. Minus one, for charging her.
DALE That's called breaking even. Most businesses never get there.
TILLY January. Minus ten, Professor Broody, frying in a corridor. February. Minus fifteen, Professor McBonagle, bath salts in Transfiguration. And minus four, Professor Snipe. It just says, general principle.
DALE He's consistent. I'll give him that. I've given him most things.
TILLY Total, sixty-two.
Sound: kids groan.
A BOY Sixty-two.
A GIRL We're behind Slitherwin.
A BOY Doesn't matter. Edric's tied for first going into the maze.
A GIRL With Spotter.
A BOY Then we're fine. As long as Tummins doesn't enter anything else.
A GIRL He's in everything.
TILLY I've made copies for the notice board, Mister Tummins. One for every year. Stapled.
DALE Put mine at eye level. Phil, walk with me. I need some air that hasn't been groaned in.
Scene: castle corridor.
SIR POMEROY Tummins. I heard every word of that through the canvas. Sixty-two.
DALE Sir Pomeroy. I didn't know you followed the numbers.
SIR POMEROY Up again. Splendid.
DALE Thank you. It's been a team effort, but I did most of it.
(A pause.)
DALE Phil, the house has turned on me, and it's because they've forgotten the lake. When I tell it right, they'll come around. Let me try it on you first.
PHIL Go on.
DALE I saw a client in the front row with no fries. So I took the short way, which is down. At the bottom I checked on every one of the sleepers, ribbon by ribbon, for comfort. Then, when the work was done, I came up on my own and got back in the boat.
PHIL That's not how I remember it.
DALE Which part?
PHIL The part where I pulled you in by your collar. You were still holding the cone.
DALE Was it full?
PHIL Of lake.
DALE Still full, Phil. That's the part I'm going to lead with.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: great hall.
Sound: ui page turn.
A GIRL Stop. I'm not reading the rest of that out.
A BOY Is it about Grainger?
A GIRL It's about Grainger, and it's horrible, and none of it's true. She's fourteen.
A BOY How does that woman even hear things? Nobody tells her anything.
A GIRL She hears them anyway.
DALE Skip to the good part, then. Is there a bit about the stand? A tragic fry boy, a mysterious fifth name, a birthmark? Anything along those lines?
A GIRL No. It's Spotter, and Grainger, and the champions.
DALE Turn it over. Sometimes they save the good stuff for the back.
Sound: ui page turn.
A GIRL That's the weather.
DALE Read the weather.
A GIRL Fog on Thursday.
(A pause.)
DALE Phil, in November I was a tragic fry boy with a birthmark. Now I'm not even the weather.
PHIL She wrote something cruel about a girl our age, Dale. Be glad you're not in it.
DALE I'm going to go cheer her up. Nothing cheers a person up like a business proposal.
Scene: gf fryer bed.
DALE Harmony. Rough morning in the paper. A small, on me.
HARMONY I don't want to talk about the paper.
DALE Me neither. I wasn't in it.
HARMONY Lucky you.
Sound: gf fry crunch.
(A pause.)
HARMONY Oh. These are actually good.
DALE You sound surprised.
HARMONY I am. They're properly crisp. You didn't use a spell, did you? There isn't a crisping spell that works. I've looked.
DALE Crispio.
HARMONY That one does nothing.
DALE It does it every time, though. That's reliability.
Sound: gf fry crunch.
DALE So. A partnership. Grainger and Tummins. You bring the rules, I bring the fries, and the sock club gets a cut. Also I'm still waiting on my socks.
HARMONY There are no socks, Dale. There have never been socks.
DALE Then I'm a member of a sock club with no socks, and I still came to you first.
HARMONY No.
DALE Is that a no for now?
HARMONY It's a no. But it's a nice no. Thank you for the fries. And for paying Nobby properly. I checked.
DALE That's twelve.
HARMONY You're counting?
DALE You're the one saying it.
Sound: footsteps stone.
DALE Phil. She said it was a nice no. Write that down. That's how partnerships start.
PHIL I wrote it down.
Scene: castle corridor.
Sound: gf quill frenzy.
GRETA SNEEZER Quill. New piece. The castle sleeps tonight, and its tired young heroes dream of the maze.
(A pause.)
GRETA SNEEZER Let's see. Its tiny, damp, deeply troubled young heroes. Oh, I didn't say that. I like it. Keep it.
Sound: beetle buzz.
GRETA SNEEZER Shoo. Shoo, you. Get out of my hair.
(A pause.)
GRETA SNEEZER Oh. Oh, I've just had the most marvelous idea. Quill. New paragraph.
Sound: gf quill frenzy.
GRETA SNEEZER Not that marvelous, dear. Take out the exclamation marks. All forty of them.
Music: sting transition dark.
Scene: kitchen busy.
NOBBY The potatoes are washed, Mister Tummins. The oil is fresh. The salt is in the salt pot. Nobby is going now.
DALE Nobby, quick question. What if you went tomorrow?
NOBBY Tomorrow is Friday, sir.
DALE Friday's a lovely day off. Ask anybody. People sing songs about Fridays.
NOBBY Nobby has Thursdays, sir. It is in writing. Miss Grubb stapled it twice.
DALE What if, this one week, Thursday came on a Friday?
NOBBY Then Nobby would have two Thursdays, sir, and you would owe him the other one.
(A pause.)
DALE Enjoy your day, Nobby.
NOBBY Thank you, Mister Tummins. Nobby is going to sit by the lake and wear his hat where people can see it.
Sound: door creak.
DALE Phil, this is my moment. Every great fry man gets one day when the head of potatoes is off and the fry man stands alone.
PHIL I'll stay and help.
DALE No help. I have to know I can do this. Go to the library.
PHIL Why is there a sandwich in your apron?
DALE Nap sandwich. Nana's. It's for emergencies.
PHIL What kind of emergency needs a nap?
DALE In the food service industry, Phil, every kind.
Sound: door creak.
Scene: gf fryer bed.
DALE Right. Nobby usually does something with a knife first. I'll skip that. It saves time.
Sound: gf fryer.
Sound: cauldron hiss.
DALE It's foaming. Foaming means it's working.
DALE Crispio.
(A pause.)
DALE Good. Same as always.
Sound: gf potatoes roll.
DALE That was the sack. That's fine. Potatoes like to explore.
Sound: thud.
DALE Oil on the floor. Found it.
Sound: pot lid bonk.
DALE That was a lid.
Sound: shelves collapse.
(A pause.)
DALE That was the rest of the lids.
Scene: lake day.
HAGGARD That's a grand hat, Nobby.
NOBBY Thank you, Mister Haggard. It was made for a champion size. Now it holds Nobby.
Sound: shelves collapse.
HAGGARD What in the world was that? Up at the castle.
NOBBY That will be the kitchens, sir. Mister Tummins is frying by himself today.
HAGGARD Should we go up?
NOBBY It is Thursday, Mister Haggard.
(A pause.)
HAGGARD Fair enough. More tea?
NOBBY Yes, please.
Scene: gf fryer bed.
DALE This is an emergency. This is exactly the kind.
Sound: wrapper.
Sound: door creak.
PHIL Don't eat that. You'll be asleep in a minute and the fryer's still on.
DALE Phil. I told you to go to the library.
PHIL I went. The library heard the lids.
Sound: sneeze.
PHIL Sorry. Smoke. Fire down, first. Then the potatoes come out of the oil. Then you cut them. Then you wait.
DALE Waiting's the part I skipped. It looked optional.
PHIL Floatio.
Sound: magic chime.
DALE Show-off. I was letting them roam.
PHIL You asked me to leave.
DALE And you came back. I'll put that in your file, Phil. Under reasons to keep you.
PHIL Put the sandwich back in your apron.
DALE For the next emergency.
PHIL Please don't have one.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: castle lawn.
Sound: gf hedge grow.
A GIRL It's still going!
A BOY It's taller than the stands now. Where's the pitch gone?
A GIRL Under it. All of it.
Sound: gf hedge grow.
DALE Tilly. The third-task clause. Slowly. I want to hear every comma.
Sound: ui page turn.
TILLY Clause nine. For the third task, the vendor shall serve hot food at the heart of the event.
DALE The heart of the event. Phil, what's at the heart of a maze?
PHIL A cup. Four champions. Not you.
DALE The middle, Phil. The heart is in the middle. Everybody knows that about hearts.
PHIL It means the stands. Where the people are. The heart of an event is where everybody's sitting.
DALE Then they'd have written the seats of the event. They didn't. They wrote heart.
TILLY It does say heart, Mister Tummins. I underlined it.
PHIL Tilly.
TILLY Sorry, Phil. I only read what's there.
PHIL Dale, the only people going into that thing are four champions, and the only reason they're going is that a cup said so. Nobody else is that silly.
DALE Binding is binding, Phil.
PHIL That's my whole point.
DALE I'll need a lamp and a map.
TILLY There isn't a map, Mister Tummins. That's what makes it a maze.
DALE Then I'll draw one on the way in and sell copies on the way out. The fry man always finds a second revenue stream.
Sound: gf peg thump.
PROFESSOR BROODY Tummins. Brumley. You, small one with the papers. Stay sharp!
DALE Professor Broody. Can I interest you in a regular for the walk?
(A pause.)
PROFESSOR BROODY Tall enough. Good. That'll do nicely.
Sound: gf peg thump.
DALE Phil. He said good about the maze. He's never said good about anything. Not even concealed fries.
PHIL He was staring at the middle.
DALE So am I. We're both middle people. I've always felt there was something between us.
TILLY I've copied the clause onto a card, Mister Tummins, and fixed it to your apron, so you'll have it with you in there. Stapled.
PHIL Tilly, please don't help him into the maze.
TILLY I'm not helping him in, Phil. I'm helping him be correct.
Scene: garden night.
Sound: gf hedge grow.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Another foot since supper. I measured.
BUMBLEMORE Hedges are like that. Give a hedge a tournament and it shows off.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Headmaster. I can't see the far side of it any more.
BUMBLEMORE With teachers all the way round, and sparks for anyone who wants to come out. I asked the hedge to be reasonable.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE And did it answer?
BUMBLEMORE It grew.
(A pause.)
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE The Tummins boy spent the afternoon staring at it. In an apron. With a card stapled to the front.
BUMBLEMORE Did he? What did the card say?
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE I didn't get close enough. He was offering everyone a regular.
BUMBLEMORE Do you know, I had two of his fries at the Ball, and I still think about them.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Don't. You'll only want another.
BUMBLEMORE That's what worries me about most good things.
Sound: gf hedge grow.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE I'm going to bed, Headmaster.
BUMBLEMORE Goodnight. I'll stay and watch it a while. Someone ought to keep it company.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: gf fryer bed.
EDRIC HICKORY Not tonight, Dale. Honestly. If I eat anything now, it's coming back up in a hedge.
DALE Edric, the night before the big one, a champion needs fuel. I can do you a champion size. It's named after you, in a general way.
EDRIC HICKORY My stomach's all knots.
DALE Knots are hunger, in my experience. They're just hunger that's been left too long.
EDRIC HICKORY (nervous) Hours in there, in the dark. Everyone says there's a sphinx. I've never even met a sphinx. What do you say to one?
DALE Good evening, mostly. Then you see where it goes.
EDRIC HICKORY Tell you what. Save me a large. I'll be starving.
DALE Large, extra salt. Where do you want it?
EDRIC HICKORY Wherever I am, I suppose.
DALE Wherever you are. Anywhere, any time. That's the Tummins guarantee.
EDRIC HICKORY Night, Dale. Thanks. Really.
Sound: footsteps away.
DALE Phil, put it in the book. Large, extra salt. Delivery, wherever he is.
PHIL He was joking.
DALE That's how the big clients order. They're too modest to come right out and say it.
PHIL Dale, wherever he is tomorrow night is the middle of a giant hedge, in the dark, with creatures in it.
DALE Then I'll need a lid.
PHIL Tomorrow night the whole school's going to be up in the stands in scarves, and you'll be in a hedge.
DALE Who's selling scarves?
PHIL Dale.
DALE Somebody's selling scarves on my night, Phil. To my crowd.
PHIL Promise me you won't go in there.
DALE I can't. I already promised Edric. You can't keep two promises going in different directions. That's exactly how a maze gets you.
(A pause.)
PHIL I understand.
DALE Good. Pass me a lid. The big one.
Scene: common room.
Sound: wall clock tick.
A BOY You're not asleep either.
EDRIC HICKORY Can't. I keep walking it in my head. Left, left, right, sphinx.
A GIRL Is there really a sphinx?
EDRIC HICKORY That's what they say. They say a lot of things.
A BOY Edric. Whatever happens tomorrow, you're the real champion. Everybody in this house thinks so.
A GIRL You helped Spotter with the egg. You didn't have to.
EDRIC HICKORY He helped me with the dragons first. That's just fair.
A BOY That's what we mean.
A GIRL My mum says somebody should've written to Spotter's family back in October. Instead of everybody just nodding at a cup.
EDRIC HICKORY Somebody should've written to mine. My mum found out from the paper. She sent me eleven scarves.
(A pause.)
EDRIC HICKORY Thanks. Both of you.
(A pause.)
EDRIC HICKORY Do you think Dale was serious? About the fries?
A BOY Tummins is always serious. That's the trouble with him.
EDRIC HICKORY (laughing) I could really go for a large right now.
A GIRL Go to bed, Edric.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: gf tournament crowd.
RUDY BAGWELL (shouting) And in they go! Mister Spotter and Mister Hickory first, then Mister Crumb, then Miss Delaflour! Good luck, all! Mind the hedges, they're a bit grabby!
Sound: coach whistle.
Sound: stadium roar.
Scene: gf maze night.
Sound: gf hedge close.
DALE (whispering) Stay hot. That's all I'm asking. You stay hot, and I'll do the walking.
DALE It's foggy in here. That's probably steam, coming off you. You're doing great.
Sound: wind branches.
DALE Left. No, that's hedge. Right. Also hedge. I've been in a lot of buildings, and this one is mostly wall.
Sound: gf running grass.
FLORA DELAFLOUR You. The fry boy. What are you doing in here?
DALE Miss Delaflour. Delivery. Can I interest you in a sniff of a large? It's spoken for, but a sniff is free.
FLORA DELAFLOUR No. I have been in this hedge for an hour, and I would still rather eat the hedge.
DALE A lot of people say that about my competitors.
FLORA DELAFLOUR You have no competitors. That is the problem with this school.
Sound: gf running grass.
DALE She's a tough customer. I'm going to win her over by June. Maybe the June after.
Sound: flare gun.
DALE Fireworks. They've started the show without me. That's fine. The fry man is never the show.
Scene: gf tournament crowd.
PHIL Mister Bagwell. Sir. My friend just went into the maze with a cone of fries.
RUDY BAGWELL Wonderful! Everyone loves a snack!
PHIL He's not supposed to be in there. He's a fourth-year. He's got a contract, and a cone, and no idea where he's going.
RUDY BAGWELL That's the spirit! Have you got a scarf? Lovely scarves this year!
PHIL Sir, could somebody go in after him?
RUDY BAGWELL Everybody's going in! That's the beauty of it!
Sound: sneeze.
PHIL It's the hedge. Sorry. I'm allergic to it.
RUDY BAGWELL Bless you! Marvelous night for it!
Scene: gf maze night.
Sound: emb crab click.
DALE Hello. You must be staff.
Sound: gf scrunt blast.
DALE You're warming the place up. That's thoughtful, in a fog like this. You can smell it, if you like. It's for a client, so smelling's as far as it goes.
Sound: emb crab click.
Sound: gf scrunt blast.
Sound: creature scurry.
(A pause.)
DALE He's gone. He's shy. I'd be shy too, with that going on at the back.
Sound: gf sphinx purr.
THE SPHINX Stop, small one. I am the sphinx of this maze. No one passes me without answering my riddle.
DALE Good evening. Dale Tummins, Tummins Fries, official concession. I've got a hot delivery for a client in the middle.
THE SPHINX Then answer well, and pass. Answer badly, and go back the way you came.
DALE Before we start, can I interest you in a fry? Something to chew on while you think.
THE SPHINX I do not eat while I riddle. Listen. Part the first. I am kept by those who never hold me, and held by those who never keep me.
DALE Okay.
THE SPHINX Part the second. I grow longer when I am shared, and shorter each time I am told.
DALE How many parts are there?
THE SPHINX Fourteen.
(A pause.)
DALE Fourteen. You'll want something to keep your strength up. Sandwich? It's homemade. My Nana pressed it flat with the iron.
THE SPHINX Part the third. I am... is that honey?
DALE Honey, and warm milk bread, and a little chamomile. It's for emergencies, and I've decided this is one.
Sound: munch.
THE SPHINX (sleepy) Part the third. I am warm, and I am... where was I. Part the fourth. Part the...
Sound: gf sphinx snore.
(A pause.)
DALE (whispering) I'll take that as a pass.
Sound: gf sphinx snore.
DALE (whispering) Excuse me. Excuse me. Lovely paws.
Sound: gf hedge close.
DALE Note for Tilly, for the books. Apron, singed. Both socks, singed. The left one had a hole already, so now it's a hole with a nice dark edge, which is a better finish. Sandwich, gone. Fries, still hot.
Sound: wind branches.
DALE Left. Hedge. Fine. The middle can't be far. Things usually have one.
Music: sting transition dark.
Scene: gf maze night.
DALE Still with me? Good. Left. Hedge. You know what, I'm going to stop saying hedge. From now on, assume hedge.
Sound: gf hedge close.
DALE The heart of the event has to be close. I can feel it. Either that or it's my socks.
Sound: stomach rumble.
EDRIC HICKORY Who's there? I've got my wand out. I'm warning you, I'm very tired.
DALE Delivery.
EDRIC HICKORY Dale? Dale Tummins? In the maze?
DALE Large, extra salt. You pre-ordered.
EDRIC HICKORY I was joking. I said it as a joke, Dale.
DALE In my line of work there's no such thing as a joke order. There's just an order, and a guy who laughed while he was making it.
EDRIC HICKORY How did you even get past the sphinx?
DALE Sandwich.
EDRIC HICKORY She asked me something about a bucket and a shadow, and I said a candle, and she let me through. I still don't know if I was right.
DALE She never told me the question. I think I got the easy one.
EDRIC HICKORY Something with sparks chased me round three corners. Then the hedge grabbed my sleeve and wouldn't give it back. I've been going in circles for an hour. I got so hungry I tried a leaf.
DALE How was it?
EDRIC HICKORY Hedge.
(A pause.)
EDRIC HICKORY Are they still hot?
DALE I've had them under my apron the whole way. My apron's been through a lot tonight. It's never been more committed.
Sound: stomach rumble.
EDRIC HICKORY I shouldn't. The cup's close. You can hear it.
Sound: gf cup hum.
DALE Then it'll still be there in a minute. Cups don't go anywhere. That's the main thing about a cup.
EDRIC HICKORY Two fries. Just two.
Sound: gf cone.
Sound: gf fry crunch.
(A pause.)
EDRIC HICKORY Oh. Oh, that's good.
DALE That's a large, Edric. Nobody stops at two.
EDRIC HICKORY Three, then. Sit down, Dale. You're making me nervous, standing over me.
DALE I'm the waiter tonight. Waiters stand.
EDRIC HICKORY Have one yourself.
DALE I never eat the product. It's bad for business.
Sound: gf fry crunch.
DALE That one was quality control.
Sound: gf running grass.
LARRY (out of breath) Edric? Is that you?
EDRIC HICKORY Over here.
LARRY It's right there. Round the next corner. It's glowing. Come on!
EDRIC HICKORY Go. Go, I'll be right behind you.
LARRY You sure?
EDRIC HICKORY Mouth's full. Go on.
Sound: gf running grass.
(A pause.)
Sound: gf cup vanish.
(A pause.)
EDRIC HICKORY Huh.
(A pause.)
DALE Second place gets extra salt.
Sound: gf cone.
(A pause.)
Sound: gf hedge part.
Sound: lamp glow.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Mister Hickory! Are you hurt?
EDRIC HICKORY No, Professor. Scratched, that's all. I stopped for fries.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE You stopped for... Mister Tummins.
DALE Professor. Can I interest you in a regular? It's been a long night for everybody.
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Where is Mister Spotter?
EDRIC HICKORY He went on ahead, Professor. Just round there.
(A pause.)
PROFESSOR MCBONAGLE Out. Both of you. Now. Haggard, take them out, please.
HAGGARD Come on, you two. Out you come. Mind the roots. Fries, was it? In the middle of the maze? Well, I never.
DALE Mister Haggard, we deliver to huts too. Same guarantee.
HAGGARD Do you now.
Sound: footsteps away.
EDRIC HICKORY Dale. What do I owe you?
DALE Two Pickles.
EDRIC HICKORY Can you put it on my tab?
DALE You don't have a tab.
EDRIC HICKORY Start me one.
(A pause.)
DALE A tab. Nobody's ever had a tab with me before.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: castle corridor.
A BOY He came back with the cup. Right there on the grass, in front of everybody.
A GIRL He wouldn't let go of it. My cousin was in the front row. She said he didn't say anything for ages.
A BOY Madam Comfrey took him straight up to the hospital wing.
A GIRL And they're saying You-Know-Who is back.
A BOY Who's saying that?
A GIRL Everybody. Nobody. I don't know. Everybody's saying it really quietly.
Sound: robes running.
A BOY Don't say it in the corridor, then.
Scene: gf fryer bed.
DALE Phil, a guy comes back from a night like that, he's going to want something hot. A small, with salt. Not a large. You don't hit a man with a large when he's tired.
PHIL Dale.
DALE Not to sell, Phil. I'm not selling it.
Sound: gf cone.
Scene: hospital wing day.
MADAM COMFREY He's asleep, Mister Tummins. No visitors.
DALE It's not a visit. It's a small. Put it by the bed, for when he's up.
MADAM COMFREY And who shall I say it's from?
DALE Z.
MADAM COMFREY Z.
DALE He'll know.
Scene: castle corridor.
A GIRL Broody wasn't who he said he was.
A BOY Then who was he?
A GIRL Nobody's saying. But the real one was in his own trunk. In his office. The whole year.
A BOY The whole year?
A GIRL Cross and hungry. But fine.
A BOY Hungry how?
A GIRL My brother says he's had four breakfasts this morning, and he's sent back for a fifth.
(A pause.)
DALE Phil. I offered that trunk a snack at Christmas.
PHIL You did.
DALE It knocked three times, and I gave it one fry. There was a hungry man in a box all year, Phil, and I sold him nothing. Worst missed sale of my life.
Scene: lost found closet.
MR. DIBBS That trunk? It came through here once, kid. Years back. Sat behind the umbrellas a whole winter, and nobody claimed it.
DALE Then who took it?
MR. DIBBS Somebody came for it in the end. Things turn up, kid.
Scene: castle lawn.
Sound: coin single.
EDRIC HICKORY Two for the tab. And one for the walk out.
DALE Edric, that's a Pickle over.
EDRIC HICKORY Keep it. Dale, I'm a bit embarrassed, honestly. Everybody keeps asking where I was when he got to the cup, and I have to tell them I was sitting on the grass eating fries.
DALE Tell them it was a large. People respect a large.
EDRIC HICKORY Next time, remind me I'm in a tournament.
DALE Next time I'm bringing a chair.
Sound: footsteps away.
DALE Mister Crumb. Is that a hand? For me?
HEKTOR CRUMB Very good.
(A pause.)
DALE Phil, that's double what he said last time. At this rate, we'll be having full conversations by the time I'm forty.
Scene: great hall.
A PREFECT You missed it, Tummins. The whole speech.
DALE I was in the kitchens with Nobby. What did he say? Did he mention the fries?
A PREFECT He said to be kind to each other. And to stick together, especially now. And at the end he said thank you to the kitchens.
DALE That's us. Me and Nobby.
A PREFECT I think he meant mostly Nobby.
DALE Nobby will want that in writing.
(A pause.)
PHIL Stick together.
DALE We always do, Phil. You're allergic to most other people.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: castle corridor.
RUDY BAGWELL Right! Lift on three, and mind the rim, she's older than both of us put together.
A WITCH It's empty, Mister Bagwell. It's been empty since Halloween. It weighs nothing.
RUDY BAGWELL Done its job! Lovely old thing. One, two...
Sound: gf goblet cough.
A WITCH Oh, for pity's sake. Now it's coughing.
RUDY BAGWELL Ha! She's got one more in her!
Sound: gf goblet flame.
A WITCH It's a slip. It says, Tummins Fries. Paid in full. Is there a Tummins?
DALE Here. On the stairs. I've been on the stairs every morning since the maze.
TILLY We both have. I brought a cushion.
Sound: gf coin stone.
(A pause.)
DALE Tilly. Write down the time.
TILLY Nine minutes past eight, Mister Tummins.
DALE Remember it. One day they'll put a little plaque on this stair.
RUDY BAGWELL Binding is binding! Never fails! Well done, young man, well done! Mind your feet, the cup's coming through!
Sound: footsteps away.
DALE One Gallon. A dragon, a lake, a maze and a dance, all year, and it's one Gallon.
TILLY The fry money covered the payroll, Mister Tummins. This is the fee. It's the first gold the company has ever had.
DALE Then it goes where gold goes. In the sock. The left one. It's singed, so nobody ever looks in there.
HOLLIS Tummins.
DALE Hollis.
HOLLIS Last day as a steward. They want the sash back. Thirty-eight.
DALE Hollis, you stood next to my stand at every task this year. The dragon. The lake. The hedge. You never bought a fry, and you never once blew that whistle.
HOLLIS Nobody needed it.
(A pause.)
DALE Hold out your hand.
Sound: coin single.
(A pause.)
HOLLIS This is a Gallon.
DALE A real one. From a cup. It's been in my sock for about a minute, so it's hardly worn.
(A pause.)
Sound: gf stair sit.
TILLY Are you all right, Mister Brandt?
HOLLIS I need to sit down.
TILLY You are sitting down.
HOLLIS Then I'll stay here.
Sound: pencil scratch.
HOLLIS Gallon. One. Real. Balance, thirty-seven Gallons.
(A pause.)
HOLLIS Tummins. Is that fries offer still open?
DALE There's a cold one in my apron from this morning.
HOLLIS Fine.
Sound: gf cone.
Sound: pencil scratch.
HOLLIS Fries, accepted.
Scene: common room.
DALE Sit down, both of you. I'm going to tell you how the year went, for the records.
TILLY Ready, Mister Tummins.
DALE I was chosen by a cup. A famous newspaper called me a tragic birthmark. I fed a dragon fight with my own face, and I lost both eyebrows and sixty-two points, and I only got the eyebrows back.
TILLY I've kept the eyebrows in their own column, Mister Tummins.
DALE Good. They've earned it. Then I went to the bottom of a lake for the customers in the front row. I walked through a maze past a monster and a lady lion, and I delivered a large to the heart of the event, as contracted. Then a cup paid me in gold, and I paid Hollis Brandt, and he had to sit down.
(A pause.)
PHIL That's not how I remember it.
(A pause.)
PHIL But you did bring the fries.
DALE I always bring the fries.
PHIL Better than third year?
DALE Phil.
TILLY Stapled.
Music: sting transition.
Scene: train compartment.
Sound: compartment door.
LARRY Hey, Z. Thanks for the fries.
Sound: compartment door.
(A pause.)
DALE Tilly.
TILLY Three, Mister Tummins. I've already put it down.
DALE Three. Phil, that's three times. Once is a mistake, twice is a habit, and three is a client relationship.
PHIL He said thank you, too.
DALE He did. Tilly, put the thank you in a file. Call it compliments. It's a new file.
TILLY I'll start one tonight.
DALE Now take a memo. Year-end. Tummins Fries, official concession of the tournament.
TILLY Ready.
DALE Fries sold, a lot. Nobby has the real number, and he's charging me a Pickle to hear it.
DALE Eyebrows lost, two. Eyebrows back, two. The left one came back a little higher, so now I look interested in everything.
DALE Staff. Phil Brumley, allergens and compliance. Sneezed all year and never once into the product.
PHIL Once.
DALE Never once on the record. Nobby, head of potatoes. Paid every week, on time. Wore his hat every day, including Thursdays, which he says is his business.
DALE Customers. Three schools, one dragon keeper, and a sphinx. The sphinx was asleep by the end, but in this business you count satisfied however it comes.
DALE Debts. Gallons paid to Hollis Brandt, one. In gold, on the stairs, in front of a witness.
TILLY That was me.
DALE That was you. Lessons learned. Delivery is a growth area.
(A pause.)
TILLY How shall I sign it, Mister Tummins?
(A pause.)
DALE Z.
(A pause.)
DALE For now.
TILLY Z, for now. Stapled.
DALE File it in this. It's an empty cone, but it's company property, and it'll keep the memo... hang on. It's not empty.
PHIL Dale. That's Lightning.
DALE Lightning. How long have you been in there?
(A pause.)
DALE That's my spare cone. It's been in this pocket since the maze. Phil, he's been through a hedge maze, past a monster with sparks and a sleeping sphinx, and out the other side, and he never said a word.
(A pause.)
DALE He doesn't want to talk about it. I respect that.
Sound: train whistle.
Scene: laundromat day.
Sound: dryer thump.
NANA There he is. And Phil. Phil, honey, I made you a sandwich with nothing in it you're allergic to.
PHIL Thank you, Missus Tummins. What's in it?
NANA Nothing, honey. It's two slices of nothing. You'll love it.
DALE Nana. I fed a whole tournament. Three schools. A dragon fight, a lake, and a maze, and a dance with a band.
NANA That's nice, honey. Are you hungry?
(A pause.)
DALE Nobody's asked me that all year.
NANA Well, I'm asking.
DALE Starving.
Sound: gf fryer.
NANA Sit down, honey. I'll do the fries. You've been on your feet all year.
(A pause.)
Music: gf end credits.